Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Sharin' The Love. And Donuts.

Did you know that I worked for a Leadership & Management Consulting Firm for, like, seven years? Hmm? No? Yeah, well, I did.

As a result, I have mad -- and random -- working knowledge of key competencies you (that's right, YOU) need to be an effective manager. From the complex, like how to roll out a new vision and strategy across your global organization, to the more everyday variety, like how to conduct a really good interview.

And I feel confident that as part of this exercise, I will put those skills to use in no way.

* * * *

I don't know where it started and I think it would be crazy to try and find it out, but this is sort of a meme to end all memes.

My understanding of it, based SOLELY on Stacy's entry, is that you get asked FIVE QUESTIONS by a blogger. Then you write those answers on your blog. THEN, in turn, you ask five UNIQUE questions of each of your commenters who volunteer. And so on.

Or at least, that's how we'll do it here.

So! Below are Stacy's questions and my responses. And the first 10 commenters who request to be interviewed will get five of their own, very personalized, potentially management-consultantese-ridden, questions to answer in kind.

I will also ask at least one doozy of a question for anyone else (after the first 10) who requests one. :)

And here we go...

* * *
H’okay, Keeks. Your questions.

1. Hooray! You win a prize from the nearby Trucker Hat Emporium, owned by MTV. You have won the punkings of up to 10 friends. Think of the 10 people you would have punk’d and tell us in exhaustive detail the best punking you would give and why. Don’t say who, however, because if it’s that good, I’ll be over in 20 minutes to help you punk that person.

Wow. This is a hard one because I am not really a fan of practical jokes because I worry that someone's feelings will get too hurt. And I think if you spend the whole time worrying, it pretty much defeats the purpose. But off the top of my head...

*I'd take one of the myriad emails my friend sends me about how much she hates her job, company, boss, etc. and send it back to her, making it look as though she accidentally cc'd The Entire Company.

*I could also create a fake email that LOOKS like it's from someone my friend *hates* and then start up a very uncomfortable email exchange with her.

*Does poking holes in your friends' condoms count?

*I think there are a lot of punks that would be easy to pull off that would fall under the category of e-stalking. Too creepy to ever do, but probably effective. Like:
- Creating a false MySpace page dedicated to my friend, from a secret admirer, complete with pictures.
- Writing an increasingly intense series of "missed connections" on Craigslist, including personal details that only someone close to that person would know.

*There are a bunch of stand-up comedians I know who pretty much make my skin crawl. So much bluster and bravado and unsubstantiated pomposity. Plus, they're rude. I really don't like people who are rude to me. Anyway, I'd love to like, fabricate some complete bullshit comedy contest in some podunk town waaaaaaay outside of the Bay Area. I would make it seem completely legit -- I'd create a website, include a working phone number, plug in celebrity names -- and personally select the comedians who would be invited to attend. I would then relish reading all about how they'll be kicking ass (because they will write about their feats even before they compete on the local comedy board), and how special a gig it is and how others should envy them. And then they'll drive on out and discover it doesn't exist.

I will end this question here, because I feel kind of dirty now.

Satisfied, but dirty.

2. Everyone has, thanks to that infernal television show ‘Friends’, a Top 5 List O’ Boffing. Think of your own list. Sigh with pleasure. Fuck that list; I want to know your Top 5 List of Unconventionally Handsome (read: Decidedly UNHANDSOME) Men. Not Brad Pitt, Steve Buscemi. Not Clive Owen (Sweet Mother of Jesus, I think I just…you know), Philip Seymour Hoffman. Tell us your Top 5 list of unhandsome, yet strangely sexy men you’d hump if no one found out about it.

Funny, Ish has a joke about this. ("My girlfriend thought it'd be fun to have an exempt list...is it weird that one of her celebrities is a local traffic reporter who lives in her building? She says I shouldn't worry, though, because he's hardly ever home.")

So in no real order (though you can TOTALLY see how my mind worked through this list):
- Eddie Izzard
- Ricky Gervais
- Steve Carell
- Kelsey Grammer
- Alan Rickman

And those are just off the top of my head. My apologies if any of these men are decidedly handsome. Apparently I have a thing for Brits, too. Funny ones.

Also, I feel like I should note that I have ALWAYS had a thing for Stanley Tucci, but I don't think he's unattractive. I also think Ish looks a little like him, and Ish is definitely handsome, so whatevs.


3. What was your worst date?

Oof. The problem here is that there were a couple dates that were bad because they were humiliating. One took advantage of me when I was young and stupid. Several were bad because they were awkward because of my weight. And one whole entire relationship of mine was wretched because I had zero self-esteem and it took me several weeks to realize I was dating a complete and total loser.

But those are no fun to talk about.

Two summers ago I was (as some of you may recall) on something of an online dating rampage. One of those dates was horrid. Just. Horrid.

We hadn't exchanged very much information, so I didn't know much about him other than his profile. Which seemed great. But when we met at a local bar for some low-key drinks, it was obvious: there was NO chemistry. In fact, there may have been anti-chemistry. Whatever it was, the conversation was downright painful.

People, I may have many issues. Conversation is not one of them.

So after our painful drinks and what I THOUGHT was our "let's just get it over with" congeniality, I said something like, "Well, I think I'm going to head out." And he replied with, "Oh? Where are you going?" With the implication that he'd like to go to.

I had no idea what to do with this. I am not direct and confrontational, especially not with people I don't even know. And he seemed completely bored. And I was bored. I didn't understand.

"I'm going to go..." I didn't want to go home. And I didn't want to lie about going home in case he saw me later. And I REALLY didn't want to go home because we were close enough to my apartment that he'd see where I live and I just didn't think that was a good idea.

"Around the corner, to another bar."

"Well, let's go!" He said.

After we were there for, I dunno, 20 minutes? 3,000 years? I hatched a plan. I called "Bemily" to see what they were doing, and to effectively beg them to come join me, since they lived in the neighborhood and PLEASE SAVE ME FROM THIS DATE.

I told the guy that I was having friends join us. He seemed unfazed.

When Bemily arrived, they quickly understood my plight. They suggested we go somewhere else. He insisted on coming along. Somewhere along the way between bar #2 and bar #3, he offered me his business card with ALL of his contact information.

I was confounded. I was watching as his eyes glazed over while I spoke, and yet...?

Did he think I'd be easy? Hmph!

FINALLY, at bar #4, after I'd had too many cocktails and was too fed up, I didn't know what to do. I wanted to go home, but every time I mentioned going somewhere or doing something, he wanted to follow. I should have had the balls to say, "YOU ARE NOT INVITED" but I didn't. (Especially not after four bars' worth of cocktails.)

So Bemily came up with the bright idea that we should just leave. And while I have never done something like that in my life, I (and my cocktails) figured, why not? So we did.

We ditched him.

But that is not the worst part.

I wrote him the next morning and sent an apology, saying my behavior was inexcusable. He replied saying, "no worries."

A couple weeks later, one of my invisible internet friends came across a post somewhere online that he had written. About me. And how I (and his experience with me) should serve as a warning to all who venture into Internet dating.

NOT because I ditched him. No, no. He left that part out.

Because, you see, I was REALLY FAT. And ugly. And BORING. And being in my company made him want to kill himself.

In this post, he made fun of me, of my blog (which I spoke about at length because I was grasping at straws), of my dating life. He joked about my weight. He didn't use my name, but he used enough personal information that someone I didn't even know knew he was talking about me.

It was mean and spiteful and pathetic. And it made me feel like shit despite my knowing it shouldn't.

I wrote him. I told him that no matter what he wrote, or how he'd re-written history in his head, we both know exactly what happened that night.

He never replied.


4. Bill O’Reilly called. What did he want?

Did you see that episode of Arrested Development where Justine Bateman played a high-priced hooker? And every time she ended up having private time with one of the men, all they wanted to do was talk and cry?

See, Bill called me because he's heard that I'm All That And A Bag Of Chips. He's seen or read my stuff and thinks I'm a worthy adversary, smart and cute and sexy. He just HAS to meet me. HAS to know what I'm like in person.

I take pity and agree.

And I am so engaging, so witty, and so capable of seeing through him and getting to his heart that by the end of dinner, my uber-fantasticness has worked like a charm: he is a weeping, drooling puddle of regret on the floor.

His blubbering is embarrassing, and he's reverted to speaking like his four-year-old self, since that's the last time he remembers having a soul. He begs for forgiveness and just wants to be taken care of. He mutters something about Al Gore.

In a very dramatic, moment-of-reckoning I go to offer him forgiveness by way of a sincere hug. Except instead of returning the embrace, he is like the Wicked Witch of the West suddenly doused with water. With all his wretched, heaving sobs, he's forgotten that his entire body had long since been molecularly restructured (what with all those strange, foreign rays beaming into Fox News studios) and that he's actually impervious to truth, humility, forgiveness, or kindness.

In what would have been our first moment of contact, he spontaneously disintegrates.

The angels do not weep.

5. My mom once “helped herself” to a salt and pepper shaker at a restaurant, putting it in her purse because, “Stacy, they’re really nice.” (Sorry, Mom.) What is the cheapest thing you have ever done?

This would probably be a tie.

A few times in my life, I have had zero dollars in my bank account. Like, no change, no cash, no viable options for getting cash in the remaining few hours before next month's direct deposit would be available.

At one such juncture, I may have stolen toilet paper out of a public bathroom. Maybe.

At another such juncture, ages ago, Dave and I were engaged and living in our tiny little apartment and were literally hours away from getting our respective paychecks. And while family lived nearby, it was too embarrassing to admit that we had barely a cent to our names.

But it was dinnertime, and we were hungry. And there was no food in the house (this is not a new phenomenon, IIFs). So we scrounged around, literally, looking for all the loose change we could find.

It was under $5.

We considered our options.

And after much deliberation, we concluded that a dozen donuts would give us the most bang for the buck. Plus, we were grown-ups and if we want to eat donuts for dinner, we damn well can. So we did.

Thus, I once ate six donuts for dinner.

The End

37 comments:

  1. Oooh! First! THIS is how I use company time. Goes a long way to explain my career stagnation, does it not?

    Interview please!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm game. Scared, but game.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Um, yeah. I thought to myself when I started to read the entry "yeah right, the 10 people are probably already answering their questions", but in reality, there's only 2 comments in front of mine. Eee! I'm in.

    ReplyDelete
  4. i'm not in the game coz i don't have a blog and you can't make me (nah, nah!), but i have to ask: who hasn't eaten a 1/2 dozen donuts for dinner before? i mean really?!?!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I want to play! I heart questions!

    ReplyDelete
  6. PS - I adore Eddie Izzard. I would bonk that man in a second.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I desparately need a subject to write about that is fun for a change... so, please, ask away!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oooh, I'll play! (Dammit, do I have to think of five questions for ten other people, or can I be miserly and only offer to help five? A question for the ages.)

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm not playing but I would like to say your answer to question 3 should serve as a lesson to you and the rest of us gals that we should cut our losses the second our instincts tell us to. Because obviously, being nice (aka wimpy) doesn't get a person much more than a blog entry written by an asshole who has no clue what a real woman is.

    xcuse my sensitivity to this, but i've also learned the hard way. Do what your gut says.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I hope I made the top 10 - I'm game!

    ReplyDelete
  11. If you need another one, I'm game! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Okay! So I will ask your questions here. Feel free to respond with a link to your answers!

    (And I will say, I'm sorry my questions aren't as elaborate as Stacy's, but at least they are things that I'd like to hear the answers to.)

    * * *

    Thanks, Dewey, for being first!

    Here we go:

    1. Infomercials. I dunno about you, but I'm a sucker for a good infomercial, especially if they involve some crazy product that does something bizarre to the body (I'm thinking of that electro-shocker you were supposed to use to tighten face muscles. Anyone?). What's your favorite infomercial, and/or infomercial product?

    2. What's the most amount of money you've ever spent on a pair of shoes, and what was the occassion?

    3. It's come to my attention that male redheads are usually portrayed negatively on screen. What's your thinking on male redheads? Hot? Scary? Devil children?

    4. What's the worst drink you ever drank too much of?

    5. Have you ever thought about contributing something (or have you contributed) to PostSecret.com?

    ReplyDelete
  13. Okay Green, you're next. :)

    * * *

    1. Uh oh! Unexpected company's coming. If you only have time to do ONE thing (including hiding something unsightly), what's it gonna be?

    2. Is there an episode of a television show, or a scene in a movie that, no matter how many times you've seen it, makes you cry? If so, which? If not...how come?

    3. What's your favorite pasta dish?

    4. I say I'm a morning person, because I feel like that's when I'm most alert and productive. It doesn't mean it's my favorite time of day, though. (Often it is, but I think that's coincidental.) What time of day person are you, and what does it mean to you to say that?

    5. I remember reading that you're more likely to gravitate toward dog people than cat people (I'm probably paraphrasing). Do you think that goes for all dogs, though? I mean, what about someone who has HUGE dogs, or someone who has a couple tiny, hairless yappy things? Does that change it up for you? :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Damn, I was hoping to make the first ten, but "at least one doozy of a question" sounds fun, too. Ask me! :D

    P.S. I have now Learned My Lesson and will never again go to bed before checking to see if you've posted so that I don't miss something like this. My question for you: is that creepy or amusing?

    ReplyDelete
  15. hehehe.... about 25 years ago when I was a single broke girl livin' on my own.. I stole toilet paper from the local Wegman's bathroom.. but in my own defense.. I didn't take the WHOLE roll.. just "some" ::laughing:: there was no other choice.

    I regret it now, of course, and I once told someone about it and how I thought I should go to the store now and give them a dollar for it..

    my friend said if I did that, they'd lock me up for crazy.. not theft ::Laughing::

    ReplyDelete
  16. ooh...although I missed being in the top 10, I'd love to have a question to answer!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Ok, two things...

    1. You should put that comedy competition in Merced. I will be there in 2 weeks and I am a willing accomplice. Just sayin'...

    2. Do you watch The Riches on FX? It REALLY makes me want to jump Eddie Izzard after every single episode. SO SEXY I CANNOT HANDLE IT.

    Oh, and C... Sam, I totally agree. SIGH. :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Okay, Cassie. Here they are:

    1. What is your greatest pet peeve when it comes to receiving email?

    2. If not Austin, where? (SF bats its eyelashes) And um, why?

    3. As a fellow cat owner and lover, I can only assume that you find cat hair...well...everywhere. What is your approach to this? Do you just shrug it off, explaining to guests that there's nothing, really, you can do about it? Or do you clean compulsively, hoping that no one would ever suspect you own cats? What about clothing?

    4. Through some strange online contest thingamajig, you're awarded a $5000 shopping spree. The only catch? You must buy everything at Staples, and you won't be allowed to return anything for cash. How do you go hog wild?

    5. Resolved: high-heels were the creation of a misogynistic bastard, yet have become so ingrained in our (Western) culture that they aren't going anywhere anytime in the next several decades. Agree? Disagree? Discuss.

    Ha!

    ReplyDelete
  19. hello - lucky! muahahahaha...

    ReplyDelete
  20. Shan, Yay! indeed! Wheeee...


    1. I LOVE the photo you use as your profile image. But I have always wanted to know more about it. Not just where you were, but why, exactly, YOU love it.

    2. Was just perusing your 100 things, and saw that you were a redhead for a while. (Me too!) I rather enjoyed it. Why did you do it, what did you like/dislike about it, and why did you let it go?

    3. I'd love to know your take on astrology. I poo-poo it but love it and think it's really awesomely cool. (I also like infomercials, though, so right.) What's the most seriously you've ever been about astrology?

    4. What's your greatest fear about your wedding? Not your marriage, your wedding? Because if they haven't started yet, let me tell you -- BIZZARO WEDDING dreams will kick in soon enough. Perhaps venting some of your more ridiculous fears will help ease this phenomenon.

    5. If you could just randomly call up some celebrity and have their attention and actually get into a real conversation with them, who would it be, and what would be the gist of your conversation?

    ReplyDelete
  21. Y - yes, really! Ready?


    1. I must have shopping on the brain. (Surprise!) You, too, have somehow won some silly internet contest. The prize? You may pick ANY ONE ITEM from....::drumroll::... IKEA. Which item do you pick, and why?

    2. And speaking of contests. Say you're selected (or that you agree) to go on some crazy make-over show. You get prizes and cash for your efforts, but there is a catch. You have to come out looking TOTALLY different than you do now. What look do you go for?

    3. This Sunday, you spend 8 hours playing one boardgame while listening to one album (on repeat). Which boardgame is it, and which album?

    4. Ricki Lake is at your doorstep. What does she want?

    5. So um, I was going through your recentish entries, and saw the one about the bowl of hot spinachy-stuff your new neighbors brought you. I know they were they were trying to be nice and new-neighborly, but here's my question: if you had new neighbors and you were feeling ill-will toward them, what meal/food would you make them?

    ReplyDelete
  22. JayAre! Woo to the 00t!

    1. Haha. You said "bonk." That made me laugh aloud. So here is what I'm wondering: what is your favorite euphamism for sex...
    a. in a funny sense
    b. in a sexy sense
    c. ...and what is your LEAST favorite?

    2. Britney called you asking for some simple, no-fail advice. What do you tell her?

    3. Have you ever hated a book (or any reading material) so much that you wanted to -- or did -- throw it across the room? Tell us about that.

    4. If you could have one really high-tech, expensive gizmo, what would it be?

    5. If you could have regular, free manicures OR pedicures for the rest of your life, which would you pick and why?

    ReplyDelete
  23. Where are my questions!? *pout*

    I hate coming to the party late. :P

    ReplyDelete
  24. Ah, sweet Ramblin' Girl... I'll see what I can do to help jump-start the blog topic-ry.

    I make no promises.

    1. Since you've been writing about some sadder stuff lately, I was thinking I'd try and ask about happy places. This makes me think of cotton candy, which inevitably leads me to thinking of amusement parks. Except I don't really LIKE amusement parks. I hate roller coasters, and I especially hate spinny things, and I'm terrified of heights, and it finally dawned on me that there's really nothing I like about the Six Flags experience. (Especially when you factor in the abundance of tube tops and $5 Cokes.) Anyway -- what's your take on roller coasters, amusement parks, and the like?

    2. What was your most favorite thing about turning 30? What was your least favorite thing about leaving your 20s?

    3. This may also seem like a silly question, but what's your favorite thing about vacations? Is there some aspect in particular you look forward to more than others?

    4. As one single, childless thirtysomething to another, do you have baby names picked out? How sure are you of them?

    5. What's the most accurate assessment of your personality you've ever read/seen/been given? (I'm talking magazine quizzes, astrology read-outs, personality tests, career reports, or just a wise synopsis given to you by a friend.)

    ReplyDelete
  25. Thanks for the interview, it’s so fun to see what people who only know you in the imaginary internet sense might ask you. My answers are posted here

    ReplyDelete
  26. Aarwenn, dahling...

    1. You've been kidnapped by crazed plastic surgeons. They will release you, of course, on the condition that you let them perform ONE feat of cosmetic surgery. What do you do?

    2. Poof! You are The Queen of Kingdom Fabulous. You have devoted royal subjects and are allowed -- as is the decree of this land -- three servant-like people who are on-hand all the time. Each of them have very specific roles; they each assist you with a specific duty. The question is, if you did have three people who tended to you every day, taking care of one of your needs, what would those three things be?

    3. What's the hardest you ever remember laughing?

    4. In what role was Michael Keaton sexiest? Why do you think so?

    5. What's one bit of trivia that you know and love to be able to throw out every now and again to (maybe) perhaps the company you're in?

    ReplyDelete
  27. Sue! Chica! You're a tad easier because I know you so well. (Hmm, unless that makes it harder?)

    Here goes:

    1. You come home to discover there's a third story on your flat that you didn't know about. What do you do with it/how do you use it?

    2. Strippers make everyone uncomfortable, especially when they're all jumping out of a cake at you. Instead, you get to have ANYONE in the world jump out of your cake. Who is it?

    3. And so long as we're full of surprises, you wake up tomorrow to discover that you're all of a sudden a PRO at one piece of software -- practically a master. What is it? How come?

    4. You have been granted the ability to go back in time and re-live any two hours (but only two hours), knowing what you know now. What two hours do you go back and re-live?

    5. They need to never, ever play ____ on the radio EVER again. (Fill in the blank.)

    ReplyDelete
  28. Your questions answered: http://deweyintoronto.livejournal.com/106532.html

    ReplyDelete
  29. Thanks, K!
    I think you got my rambling going... and I really appreciate the help! The answers to your great questions can be found here.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Oh what the hey, I'll take a question :)

    ReplyDelete
  31. Dana (MakeOut Kate's roommate)1:31 PM, April 26, 2007

    K - Is it just me, or would THIS make a phenomenal book? Many more personalized questions, each as a new chapter, answered (as only they can be) by you. Hilarious, charming, and genuine.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Dawn! You are number 10! And there will be more for the rest of you, too. (So sorry for the lateness!)


    1. Okay, this is an easy one (but feel free to be creative): what's your most favorite and least favorite thing/s about knitting?

    2. One of the super awesomest things I've discovered -- in a long, long line of them -- about getting older is that I'm becoming allergic to more things. What was your worst allergic reaction to something?

    3. I read that you want to be a bartender. Like, for real? And how come? Because a huge part of me has always wanted to do that, save for the realities of the hours of work it requires (not the number of them, but the time of day/night/wee hours of the morning). What about it do you find alluring?

    4. Are motorcycles super cool, or incredibly annoying toys for men who refuse to grow up and/or have some sort of need for more power between their legs (if you know what I mean) (and also I think we know how I personally feel)? What about chick bikers?

    5. If you were going to do something totally sexually daring, completely out of the norm for you, would you rather it be with someone you know (but have never slept with), or someone you don't really know and won't see again?

    ReplyDelete
  33. Thanks! That was fun! Here are my answers!

    Exclamations points for everybody!!!!

    !

    ReplyDelete
  34. (btw, dana. you made me cry. in the good way.)

    ReplyDelete