L.A. Scares Me******

is it just me or is it possible that getting your period can suddenly give you a severe case of A.D.D.? because good lord.

[oh, and? for any Invisible Internet Friend out there who thinks that maybe i should have BRACED you before unabashedly announcing that i "have my period" (v. writing something more civil like "flo" or "that time of the month") , i offer OH THAT'S RIGHT I HAVE MY PERIOD, SHUTUP SHUTUP SHUTUP.]

so this morning i headed to work thinking the day was awesome. AWESOME! so WHAT that i haven't been to the gym more than once in two weeks? so WHAT that i got almost no sleep last night and almost died in a fire i almost caused when my spaceheater nearly melted down my extension cord*? so WHAT that i weigh five million hundred pounds and have only done about a quarter of the things on my "No Joy in '06" to-do list? no matter! i don't care! everything in life is glorious and perfect! because know why?

because FOR NO REASON! HA HA! (hello, period.)

yep. "hurrah for everything! yay for no reason!" i thought. and then i ate a cranberry muffin for breakfast.

and that's how it goes. you think TRA LA LA I LOVE TODAY LA LA right up until lunchtime when you have a COMPLETE and UTTER meltdown.

because know why?

HA!! NO! NOT for NO REASON (did i fool you?) (also, are you a little frightened by my now-chipper tone and EXCESSIVE capitalization? HAHA! I AM!)

so no: i had a meltdown because, over IM, in a matter of -- oh, let's say .000025 seconds -- Ish managed to RUIN EVERYTHING! RUIN! EV! RY! THING! *SOB* *CRY*

[insert meltdown here.]

right. Ish basically wrote something over IM that didn't happen to tickle me, and i (pardonnez le francais, s'il vous plait) (uh, apparently my period likes to try and speak french) freaked the fuck out.

Ish: 0 Period: 1

now, of course my freak-out had pretty much nothing to do with Ish and everything to do with my somewhat volatile hormones, but that didn't even occur to me at the time.

[right, of course it didn't. i swear, that period is one fucking passive-aggressive bitch.]

so then i spent the remainder of the afternoon at work MISERABLE, convinced that it was the WORST day EVER especially as it was no longer sunny, meaning also Mother Nature hated today, too. and i stayed all mopey and forgot to eat until about 2:15 p.m. at which time i realized i was actually STARVING.** but of course by then, lunch is no longer served in my building, so if i wanted something substantial to eat, i'd have to go ALL THE WAY over to the OTHER building which, given my morose state, seemed an impossible task. which made me further upset because i realized that if i'd properly stocked my poor Fridget (as i'm SUPPOSED TO BE DOING), i'd have something to eat.

and lunch wouldn't be ramen noodles from a vending machine.

so i continued with the EVERYTHING IS SUCKY attitude right up until i got home, giving me an hour or so before i was scheduled to go meet a group of my friends later to discuss their new business venture.***

and it was then, in that hour, that the aforementioned (hormonally imbalanced, emotional/tactical) A.D.D. kicked into high gear.

first i logged into the office and wrote/checked a few emails. then, as i was sitting at my desk i decided it would be a good time to...can you guess? of course you cannot. because even i could not have seen it coming. but sure enough, i suddenly decided RIGHT THEN AND THERE to CLEAN MY BEDROOM CLOSET. i do not know why. but right.

so i got up and hauled out my "hamper****" and piles of clothes that needed to be sorted and plopped them all down ON MY DESK (because where else?) in my bedroom and started sorting.

what's that? what kind of sorting? oh, ho! well i'm glad you asked!

[WHAT? you DIDN'T ASK? that's a good one! HAHAHAHAH! as though THAT will stop me and my period from digressing into an entire breakdown of Kiki's Closet Contents because -- in case you weren't paying attention -- i don't actually seem to have any control over what's pouring out of my head today!]

[OK, OK. i will NOT go off on the OH-SO-LONG tangent that is my laundry situation. BUT REST ASSURED I WILL TORTURE YOU WITH IT SOON! MUAHAHAHA!]

so anyway, about the time i got 25% of the way through sorting clothes into wishful piles, i decided that i was hungry and needed to eat something. except i had just about nothing in the house (shocker!) and no money with which to purchase something to eat (because MAYBE someone is not so good at managing her finances and would not be cash-positive until MIDNIGHT when the DIRECT DEPOSIT would go through). which meant there, amid the work email and fledgling piles of hopeful laundry candidates, i started bawling.

bawling. because all of a sudden i realized that i am a horrible, evil AWFUL WOMAN who YELLS at her boyfriend over IM over NOTHING and who is MESSY MESSY MESSY and CAN'T EVEN DO LAUNDRY (where did THAT shirt come from?) and CAN'T MANAGE her finances (because not only is it ANNOYING but it's BORING) and WHEN WILL I BE NINETY HUNDRED POUNDS THINNER and GOD i'm SO HUNGRY hey, don't i have dried apricots in the house?

which is when i immediately ceased bawling and went in search of apricots, only to walk by my stack of mail and then decide that what i REALLY ACTUALLY needed to be doing was paying my bills online. so i forgot about the apricots and started setting up online bill payments and -- of course -- reminiscing about how in my first semester of college i knew people who pronounced them APE-ricots instead of APP-ricots and thinking about my collegiate a cappella group and -- HEY! what was the name of that song i wanted to download?

so then, laundry partially sorted, work stuff still in the background, online payments pending, i decided to try and find that damn song whose melody, name, and lyrics i couldn't recall. and also apricots.


let's fast forward, okay?

by the time i returned home from the meeting***** (i.e., now) i was in a fabulous mood again. it was chilly and clear, and even THOUGH i'd eaten dried apricots and crackers for dinner, and even THOUGH my apartment looked as though my bedroom closet had thrown up, and even THOUGH my day had run the emotional gamut and i'd started fourteen projects and completed none well or successfully, no matter.

my period had decided all's well that -- apparently -- ends well, and so here we are.

can't wait for tomorrow!


*scary, people. you do not want to wake up to discover your extension cord has burn marks and has begun melting. melting.

**poor, poor me.

***porn.

****laundry basket that is so over-run with clothes that it cannot be seen. it is amazing how heavy said hamper can get, too. i'm thrilled i didn't throw my back out exhuming it from my closet.

*****do you know how much fun it is to brainstorm marketing ideas for a porn company?

******HAHAHAHAHAHA! you want further proof of A.D.D.? look at the title of this post. i swear, the post was going to be about L.A. and yet did it include ANYTHING about L.A.? no. not even one little bit. WHOOPS! HAHAHAHAHA.