Wednesday, March 08, 2006

L.A. Scares Me******

is it just me or is it possible that getting your period can suddenly give you a severe case of A.D.D.? because good lord.

[oh, and? for any Invisible Internet Friend out there who thinks that maybe i should have BRACED you before unabashedly announcing that i "have my period" (v. writing something more civil like "flo" or "that time of the month") , i offer OH THAT'S RIGHT I HAVE MY PERIOD, SHUTUP SHUTUP SHUTUP.]

so this morning i headed to work thinking the day was awesome. AWESOME! so WHAT that i haven't been to the gym more than once in two weeks? so WHAT that i got almost no sleep last night and almost died in a fire i almost caused when my spaceheater nearly melted down my extension cord*? so WHAT that i weigh five million hundred pounds and have only done about a quarter of the things on my "No Joy in '06" to-do list? no matter! i don't care! everything in life is glorious and perfect! because know why?

because FOR NO REASON! HA HA! (hello, period.)

yep. "hurrah for everything! yay for no reason!" i thought. and then i ate a cranberry muffin for breakfast.

and that's how it goes. you think TRA LA LA I LOVE TODAY LA LA right up until lunchtime when you have a COMPLETE and UTTER meltdown.

because know why?

HA!! NO! NOT for NO REASON (did i fool you?) (also, are you a little frightened by my now-chipper tone and EXCESSIVE capitalization? HAHA! I AM!)

so no: i had a meltdown because, over IM, in a matter of -- oh, let's say .000025 seconds -- Ish managed to RUIN EVERYTHING! RUIN! EV! RY! THING! *SOB* *CRY*

[insert meltdown here.]

right. Ish basically wrote something over IM that didn't happen to tickle me, and i (pardonnez le francais, s'il vous plait) (uh, apparently my period likes to try and speak french) freaked the fuck out.


Ish: 0 Period: 1


now, of course my freak-out had pretty much nothing to do with Ish and everything to do with my somewhat volatile hormones, but that didn't even occur to me at the time.


[right, of course it didn't. i swear, that period is one fucking passive-aggressive bitch.]

so then i spent the remainder of the afternoon at work MISERABLE, convinced that it was the WORST day EVER especially as it was no longer sunny, meaning also Mother Nature hated today, too. and i stayed all mopey and forgot to eat until about 2:15 p.m. at which time i realized i was actually STARVING.** but of course by then, lunch is no longer served in my building, so if i wanted something substantial to eat, i'd have to go ALL THE WAY over to the OTHER building which, given my morose state, seemed an impossible task. which made me further upset because i realized that if i'd properly stocked my poor Fridget (as i'm SUPPOSED TO BE DOING), i'd have something to eat.

and lunch wouldn't be ramen noodles from a vending machine.

so i continued with the EVERYTHING IS SUCKY attitude right up until i got home, giving me an hour or so before i was scheduled to go meet a group of my friends later to discuss their new business venture.***

and it was then, in that hour, that the aforementioned (hormonally imbalanced, emotional/tactical) A.D.D. kicked into high gear.

first i logged into the office and wrote/checked a few emails. then, as i was sitting at my desk i decided it would be a good time to...can you guess? of course you cannot. because even i could not have seen it coming. but sure enough, i suddenly decided RIGHT THEN AND THERE to CLEAN MY BEDROOM CLOSET. i do not know why. but right.

so i got up and hauled out my "hamper****" and piles of clothes that needed to be sorted and plopped them all down ON MY DESK (because where else?) in my bedroom and started sorting.

what's that? what kind of sorting? oh, ho! well i'm glad you asked!

[WHAT? you DIDN'T ASK? that's a good one! HAHAHAHAH! as though THAT will stop me and my period from digressing into an entire breakdown of Kiki's Closet Contents because -- in case you weren't paying attention -- i don't actually seem to have any control over what's pouring out of my head today!]

[OK, OK. i will NOT go off on the OH-SO-LONG tangent that is my laundry situation. BUT REST ASSURED I WILL TORTURE YOU WITH IT SOON! MUAHAHAHA!]


so anyway, about the time i got 25% of the way through sorting clothes into wishful piles, i decided that i was hungry and needed to eat something. except i had just about nothing in the house (shocker!) and no money with which to purchase something to eat (because MAYBE someone is not so good at managing her finances and would not be cash-positive until MIDNIGHT when the DIRECT DEPOSIT would go through). which meant there, amid the work email and fledgling piles of hopeful laundry candidates, i started bawling.

bawling. because all of a sudden i realized that i am a horrible, evil AWFUL WOMAN who YELLS at her boyfriend over IM over NOTHING and who is MESSY MESSY MESSY and CAN'T EVEN DO LAUNDRY (where did THAT shirt come from?) and CAN'T MANAGE her finances (because not only is it ANNOYING but it's BORING) and WHEN WILL I BE NINETY HUNDRED POUNDS THINNER and GOD i'm SO HUNGRY hey, don't i have dried apricots in the house?

which is when i immediately ceased bawling and went in search of apricots, only to walk by my stack of mail and then decide that what i REALLY ACTUALLY needed to be doing was paying my bills online. so i forgot about the apricots and started setting up online bill payments and -- of course -- reminiscing about how in my first semester of college i knew people who pronounced them APE-ricots instead of APP-ricots and thinking about my collegiate a cappella group and -- HEY! what was the name of that song i wanted to download?

so then, laundry partially sorted, work stuff still in the background, online payments pending, i decided to try and find that damn song whose melody, name, and lyrics i couldn't recall. and also apricots.


let's fast forward, okay?

by the time i returned home from the meeting***** (i.e., now) i was in a fabulous mood again. it was chilly and clear, and even THOUGH i'd eaten dried apricots and crackers for dinner, and even THOUGH my apartment looked as though my bedroom closet had thrown up, and even THOUGH my day had run the emotional gamut and i'd started fourteen projects and completed none well or successfully, no matter.

my period had decided all's well that -- apparently -- ends well, and so here we are.

can't wait for tomorrow!


*scary, people. you do not want to wake up to discover your extension cord has burn marks and has begun melting. melting.

**poor, poor me.

***porn.

****laundry basket that is so over-run with clothes that it cannot be seen. it is amazing how heavy said hamper can get, too. i'm thrilled i didn't throw my back out exhuming it from my closet.

*****do you know how much fun it is to brainstorm marketing ideas for a porn company?

******HAHAHAHAHAHA! you want further proof of A.D.D.? look at the title of this post. i swear, the post was going to be about L.A. and yet did it include ANYTHING about L.A.? no. not even one little bit. WHOOPS! HAHAHAHAHA.

35 comments:

  1. BAHAHAHA
    Unfortunately... I can SO RELATE! (Even more so with the title of this post, which, in fact, says it all anyway)

    ReplyDelete
  2. How? How does the period affect the brain SO MUCH? And why am I not allowed to turn it off?

    Biologists the world over have failed us.

    ReplyDelete
  3. clearly you are not taking enough drugs K.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Tell us more about the business venture...sounds interesting. Who will you market it for?

    ReplyDelete
  5. K, I am about 2 days ahead of you - I had your exact day (er, well, almost) then. The only tidbit of consolation I have to offer you is that it will go away. Ooh, are you also not really peeing today? that happened to me, and then yesterday I spent most of the day peeing everything my body retained. Gross.

    ReplyDelete
  6. ... "tranny jackoff party".

    ReplyDelete
  7. g.a.

    i will not tolerate that sort of thing here.

    seriously, don't you think "tranny jackoff DANCE party" is more fun?

    ReplyDelete
  8. {in drag}
    Un-cha, Un-cha,Un-cha,Un-cha
    Un-cha,Un-cha,Un-cha,Un-cha
    Un-cha,Un-cha,Un-cha,Un-cha,
    Whooo-woooo!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Can you tell us the address of the Starbucks closest to your office? We need to tell them to immediately CUT YOU OFF caffeine.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Damn periods, bringing on the crazy like that. And you know, it seems like with being a grown woman, I'd maybe... be used to it by now? Still gets me every damn time though! Bleh.
    You're great with the monlogues. I could just imagine this being read in front of an audience!

    ReplyDelete
  11. at least you wasnt crampin I hate when I start crampin, crap, cramp cramp

    ReplyDelete
  12. man, i thought it was just me -- i kept waiting for the stuff about LA...!
    hilaaaaaaaarious.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Wow that was one great rant...we have all had days like the one you described! I could literally hear the tone in your voice!! Love your blog.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Wow! Your scale goes up to five million hundred pounds TOO??????!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. You have just done a wonderful wonderful thing for me...and you don't even know it.
    I couldn't figure out what IIF meant. It was driving me nuts.

    So, thanks! In addition to daily laughs you are also a knower of things I wonder about.

    And poor Ish. :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh I have so had those days. And my poor, poor SO has to deal with a brand of crazy like nothing else.

    I'm not sure about the tranny jackoff party...but I'm all about adding in the dancing. good grief, like trannies come any other way.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I had almost the same exact night. Well, without the porn.

    Oh, and without the APE-ricots. And crackers.

    It wasn't the same kind of night at all, I guess. Except for my closet is a mess.

    Whatever.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Lauren in Austin10:09 AM, March 10, 2006

    Ha! That's just like a grown-up version of the kids book If You Give a Mouse a Muffin.

    ReplyDelete
  19. did you know that in Delaware,

    EVERYBODY says APE-ricot?

    considering your current state, please do not visit Delaware as we all value our lives and the word APE-ricot might just endager hundreds of thousands of innocent lives.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I had an APE-ricot tree in my yard growing up. They've always been APE-ricots to me. But I don't care for them much, so it's not a word I have to say very often.

    If I say it in front of you, are you going to mock me???

    ReplyDelete
  21. Oh, good. Thank god I'm not the only one with this menstrual ADD problem. Your transition from email to closet-cleaning to bill-paying to googling for appricots is a perfect summary of my average weekend day spent trying to avoid doing my homework.

    ReplyDelete
  22. So what did Ish say to you on IM??

    ReplyDelete
  23. Don't you hate it when a good day turns bad.
    Happens to me all the time.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I feel ya, sistah! First visit -- finally decided to check your page out since freakin' everyone has you linked. Now. I. Get. It.
    Awesome!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Up until now, I had never realized there was an actual CONNECTION between PMS and ADD!

    And now? It's obvious. Much thanks to you. From now on, when I get ADD, I'll just think, HEY! I have PMS! And go on with my life. You rule.

    ReplyDelete
  26. first, you crack me up.

    second, i think i'm going through the male-version of pms... really!

    third, hearing people say APE-ricot drives me insane.

    forth, you IIF crack me up too!

    thanks for the saturday morning laugh that i needed so much.

    ReplyDelete
  27. and what's gonna happen when menopause kicks in? hormones, ADD and hot flashes, oh my!

    ReplyDelete
  28. I am in the same boat. It looks like my closet and a library threw up on my bed. And my thesis I was supposed to be writing this week? Oops! It just occurred to me that I can blame some of my actions on wine AND my period. Not just the wine, as I have been doing.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I will testify to hormonally induced ADD. There should be a hotline or something.

    ReplyDelete
  30. If you have done 1/4 of the things on your No Joy in 06 list, you're right on schedule- after all, we're not even 1/4 of the way through the year yet. So you see, you are doing fine- I wish I were doing so well!
    As for the lunch thing- I have a secret stash of noodle bowls hidden in my desk, safe from prying coworkers, exactly for days like that. They aren't great(what freeze-dried dehydrated carb product is?), but they're decently healthy and offer enough in the way of sustenance to keep me going til I go home. Perhaps you could stack a few on Fridget?
    I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you, that the ADD has run its course.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Wow, Kristy-

    That was hysterical. Thank you for spelling it all out - we've all had those psychotic, manic days.

    ReplyDelete
  32. 1. if there was a hotline, i would forget to call.

    2. drop off laundry makes closet vomit much better- but you already know that.

    3. changed my life: http://www.target.com/gp/detail.html/ref=br_1_1/602-8924912-4011012?%5Fencoding=UTF8&frombrowse=1&asin=B00006FI0B

    4. help the add (and The Crazy): http://www.drugstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=29868&catid=39498&trx=PLST-0-CAT&trxp1=39498&trxp2=29868&trxp3=1&trxp4=0&btrx=BUY-PLST-0-CAT

    5. Better than Ramen, pretty healthy and filling, and ready with a microwave in 5 minutes: http://p2.hostingprod.com/@thaikitchen.com/noodlecarts.html
    The soup bowls are awesome too- and they're like $2!

    i say MORE JOY in 06

    ReplyDelete
  33. LaunderingMyKarma2:02 PM, March 14, 2006

    I never thought I would post something so, ummmmm, freaking *practical* but .....

    Safety tip: You CANNOT use a regular extension cord with a space heater - it's seriously quite dangerous, and a major (as you found out) fire hazard! Take it from one all-too-sadly-savvy in space heater dependency. Go to any hardware store and ask for a heavy duty extension cord that's made either specifically for heaters, or for heavy appliances.

    Ok, that's more useful than I've been in a whole month of Sundays, so pardon me while I go re-caffeinate.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Last week I was sitting on my roommate's bed talking to her and she said someting about not knowing what to have for dinner that night... or not knowing what to do that evening... i don't remember (probably eating, because let's face it... i'm a fat pig... but anyways) and I burst out into tears. I started crying and sobbing about how I can never make decisions.

    What did my roommate do? She got up, grabbed me a tissue and said, "Lisa, that's your period crying. It's not you. Get a hold of yourself."

    Damn Period.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Getting into porn is a bad idea.

    "I have an idea, let's get couch and act we are intetrviewing chicks but they end up having sex."

    In other words, it has been done before.

    I am not even going to talk about the legal issues involved......

    ReplyDelete