Monday, March 13, 2006

Everything

For months, my writing here has been stilted. I know it, and it's frustrating me. My entries are inconsistent, and they have become harder and harder for me to write.

I have been blaming it on time. I started a new* job, and since then, I haven't had the "downtime" at work to draft and edit and hone entries like I used to. I'm also busier after work than I used to be. I'm spending lots of time out, writing other things, working on comedy, singing.

But over the weekend, I went back and read a bunch of my archives.

I was shocked.

I had forgotten.

When I first started writing this blog, it was hard. I had trouble finding my voice. Everything was over-edited. I worked hard to make entries seem…oh, I don't even know. They weren't exactly me.

Then I discovered Crazy Aunt Purl and I realized I could, in fact, just be me. Just write like me. Ooh, and maybe not just could, but should.

And you know, when I did that? It became fun. It was easy. It was honest. It really was just me. I was thrilled to have finally – finally! – found an outlet for my running narrative. (You know, the narrative that's been dictating "my book" since I decided I wanted to be an author at the age of 9.)

I found a rhythm.

But a few months ago, it changed. I got tripped up. I lost my footing, and not just because I lost time.

And again, it's Purl who (inadvertently) helped me to realize it.

I don't know if you've been keeping up with her true, hard, great, brave, personal plight, but I have. And over the weekend it hit me like a ton of bricks just why exactly I keep up with her, why I always want to read her:

Because she keeps on telling The Truth. It's gotten harder and sadder and real-er, but she keeps on telling it anyway.

And I?

Well, it's not like I've been lying. It's just that I...

I didn't take you with me.

My life changed and instead of feeling free to talk about it, I stopped telling The Truth. I thought you wouldn't notice the difference. I thought I wouldn't notice the difference.

Turns out? Not writing a word about the man I started dating months ago makes all the difference in the world.

God, there has been so much to tell. Good stuff, funny stuff, hard stuff. But -- because, as I wrote a long time ago, it's so personal and so scary and it's NOT just about me and my life but also about him and his life -- I didn't. I pulled back. I decided I wouldn't talk about my relationship with The Comic because for about a hundred reasons. Like fear, for one.

But then once I stopped writing freely about What Is Really Going On In My Life, once I put the brakes on, once I started making huge concessions about what I Could and Could Not Write, everything changed. I became my own worst censor.

And it got hard again. It became uncomfortable again. My own blog became something that wasn't exactly me. Again.

And I miss it.

So I don't know how this will work now, exactly. But I'd like to find out. I'm going to try and take the gloves off, tear the walls down, and turn the filters off. It probably won't happen overnight, but it's gotta start somewhere.

I'm looking forward to introducing you to Ish.



*Seven months ago now. Can you believe it?

33 comments:

  1. Geez. I coulda wrote dat. ;) Seriously, I know what you mean. I find myself trying to keep people amused, even when I don't feel very, well, amusing. And I find myself not being very honest with myself and, consequently, my readers (all 15 of them!)... And I'm not sure why, how, or when that happened.

    ReplyDelete
  2. good for you!! I can't wait to meet Ish. By the way I think you are a great writer, and you make me smile.

    ReplyDelete
  3. OK, seriously, no apologies. Kudos to you for blogging as much as you do. I try, but between work, sad social life, and knitting, I often don't find the time to write every day. Now, I am finding out that on top of those you also have a BOYFRIEND? I congratulate you for even getting to the computer, let alone editing, etc.

    ReplyDelete
  4. this must be an important entry for you to have used capitals. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Yay! Good luck with all of it. I think your writing is very honest and I love it.
    Writing is hard. I have been trying to get back into it and get really serious about it, and it's hard. Being busy doesn't help (other than providing something to write about) but it's not the only factor--it's JUST HARD.
    I loved this: "(You know, the narrative that's been dictating "my book" since I decided I wanted to be an author at the age of 9.)" I know that so well. Except I was 6. I've had this elusive "my book" for a few years now. When I tell a story from my life, I sometimes add, "Of course, when I put this in My Book, suchandsuch will be different..." and I'm horrified when someone innocently asks, "Oh! And what is your book about?"

    ReplyDelete
  6. Kristy - I'm new to She Walks...

    I started reading last week, and I made a point of starting at the very beginning; 'Oh my mom gots that...she just walks around with it.' FREAKING GENIUS. I read from start to finish. I wrote about you on my blog (and hyperlinked...duh!), and how it's almost as if you had the power to look inside my brain, write about it and add the funny. So many of your entries, I found myself laughing, out loud and saying, "Yesssssssssss! Finally!!! I am not alone!!"

    I have to admit, I didn't see a change in you/your writing as much as I saw/felt a growth in you. If that's Ish, then God bless him! If it's Kristy WITH Ish, bless you both! The good news is that none of us know how we're really going to react or change when we enter into new adventures. Hop on the carpet and take it for a ride...wheels up!!!

    Continue to write. Write when you can, write what you feel. Don't write when you don't want to - out of obligation or the 'disease to please'. Please Kristy, spread love and take us with you, on your terms. I have loved every single minute of this journey - and the next time I'm in SF, I'll be sure to drop you a note - maybe we'll have some boxed wine! If you ever make your way down to Monterey, or if you and Ish need a weekend away, just say the word!!

    In the meantime, when I come up to SF, remind me to bring you a replacement pink candle ;o)

    Rock on,
    Toma
    xxoo

    ReplyDelete
  7. It's a hard line to walk. My personal journal, on which all of the sordid dirtiness is exposed, is on LJ with a closely-guarded friends list of people I've known for years. I trust those people completely, yet still struggled with how much I would share of a personal crisis I experienced a few months ago. In the end, I went with the reason why I started writing there in the first place - personal accoutability. You can't hide from your truth if you put it out there for others to examine.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anon 9:49...how astute of you to notice. I didn't. Good point. K- all great writers/artists go through this. Start out expressing your feelings, then when people notice, performance anxiety, over analyzing, fear of not living up to expectations, etc. (side bar: I went in to one of my local pubs today and the bartender handed me money for the jukebox and said "you always play good stuff". Suddenly, I couldn't pick anything because of the expectation. I realize that this is not on the same level as what you're experiencing, but in my little world, it relates and I thought it was kinda funny). The Ish thing... I think you've handled it with grace. It might not have been time to reveal more than you did. You have to reveal it to yourself before you share it with the world. You know?

    ReplyDelete
  9. let your honesty shine, shine, shine.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm glad to hear about the blog introspection (blogtrospection?). I always enjoy reading your blog but haven't felt the same resonating click lately. You're so very entitled to your privacy, as is Ish, of course! I'm just glad to hear that you feel ready to share a little more. ;o) By the way, I enjoy your serious or tender entries just as much as I do the silly, zany, wacky ones.

    That's just my longwinded way of saying, COOLNESS! Can't wait to read more!

    Best - Carolyn B.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Great post!

    Writing about the new man, eh? You go first... :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. shull is right- timing is everything. blowing your load over something exciting isn't always the way to go. thinking about things some gives a little perspective as to what about a situation is worth writing. you'll do it right.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Great, I applaud this. Did my obnoxious comments push you towards this?

    ReplyDelete
  14. Excellent!

    I'm a huge Purl fan for all those reasons. This is also part of the reason why I never ended up giving the SO my blog address just because I never wanted to feel like I had to censor.

    well done! and we're waiting ;)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Welcome back danger kitty.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I know exactly how you feel. Wilman is a much more private person than I, and he has sorta told me he doesn't want to be talked about. But, I do it (sort of) anyway - and, in return, he doesn't read my blog. I think this is a good compromise.

    Forge on, soldier.

    (Did I really just write that soldier bit?)

    ReplyDelete
  17. oh so excited to hear about THE MAN
    you eluded to him on a few occasions, well not really eluded I read between the lines. lol.. I was also going to ask why there was a big strapping man "taking a nap" in your bed, but it was none of my business. The cats seem to like Mount Ish.
    Spill the beans!

    ReplyDelete
  18. There is a fine line between maintaining your privacy and "holding out on us." I have had that conversation with myself many times, but, to date, I have avoided "oversharing" so far (unless you count my debut on American Idol last night).

    I chuckled at the mention of "your book," as mine has been in production for nearly all of my 37 years. Several people will need to die before I can print mine.... (not in the sense that I will have a hand in their death, mind you, just that I need to wait until they aren't around to kill ME!)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Self-censorship is such an interesting concept, but I think it HAS to happen in many instances, and for a long time, this was one of them.

    I understand your hesitation on Ish's part. What does Ish say about it?

    ReplyDelete
  20. whinger,

    i appreciate your asking. i will hope that he chimes in on this, too.

    my understanding is that Ish has been torn between not wanting to censor me (and feeling guilty that i have been censoring myself -- because he's never asked me to censor, but i think been relieved that i have chosen to), and understanding that some/much/all of my censorship has been out of a sense of prudence.

    now, though...well my thought is that the little i've written has caused damage enough, and that my prudence hasn't amounted to a hill of beans. so why not get into it now? i KNOW i will feel better for sharing more. and i THINK Ish agrees.

    but he no longer links to me, just in case.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I can't wait to hear too ...

    ReplyDelete
  22. kristy,
    I have been reading your blog for a while and look forward to reading everyday. I love the way you write and I can relate to some of the stuff you've expreinced. I agree that revealing too much is risky. Just do what you feel comfortable with.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Hi! This was so sweet Kristy! (Notice also how I have tried desperately to improve my crappy typing so there are no "krUsty" mistakes of the past hee hee.)

    I was pretty sure my website mostly inspired people to buy lintrollers :)

    ReplyDelete
  24. I can't believe I started reading your blog back before you met Ish. Seven months? Holy cow! Mind you, I don't comment here anymore...except this time really...but I still read your blog from time to time.

    I guess the title of your blog really ties in with not sharing your experiences with Ish. You've just been walking around with it...

    He seems like a great guy and I've noticed a big change in you from before and after you met him. It works. I'm happy for you.

    ReplyDelete
  25. hi everyone,

    just a little comment buried down here.

    sorry for all the wishy-washy, what-will-i-write back and forth stuff. the plain truth of the matter is that i'd love to be fully open about my relationship with Ish, but i discovered that his family reads my blog. and as such, well, given that his situation is in flux, it's just not clear to me what is and isn't okay to write.

    i'll figure it out.

    thanks for reading!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Laurie that "Krusty" post from days gone by still cracks me up everytime I think of it! Rather than deleting it, your response to realizing it was hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  27. So I take it Ish isn't going to comment on this topic? I am extremely interested to hear his side of this debate. I just hope he isn't judging you or telling you what you can or should write...

    ReplyDelete
  28. hi hazel,

    thanks for your concern/interest. i am sure Ish will chime in here eventually. but for the record, no -- he isn't saying what i can and can't write by any means, nor is he judging me. he wants me to express myself.

    it's just a weird situation i've found myself in.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Are you at all concerned about setting a precedent whereby to do (or don't) do things because you're afraid of what Ish's family might say or think?

    I think that's a lot of power to give to other people.

    You should write whatever you want, and if the people in your life (especially those who are tangential) can't deal with it, then they shouldn't visit your blog.

    You should not have to censor things that you clearly want to say because of other people's irrational judgement. If they are upset with you because of the cute postings that you have made (and deleted) about Ish, then they really are just not the kind of people that you should put a lot of effort into impressing.

    Impress Ish (because he already likes you), impress us (because we like you too), but let them bugger off.

    ReplyDelete
  30. One more thing, just out of curiousity, how did Ish's family find your blog?

    ReplyDelete
  31. Ish used to link to my blog on his. Neither of us thought a thing of it when we first started dating. I mean, he didn't even know if his family would read his blog, let alone follow a link to my blog and read it.

    And in the beginning, there wasn't much to report so it didn't much matter if they read or not.

    Now it's kind of different.

    ReplyDelete