Slutty Blogger

This year, with all the travel and work-move and general hoopla* I decided to bow out of any sort of Halloween festivities.

But now that I have decidedly ZERO Halloween spirit, I'm a bit frustrated that the rest of the country isn't also ignoring the damn holiday.

When I was a little girl, all I ever wanted to be was one of three things:
1. A fairy
2. A princess
3. A fairy princess

This was because I wanted a tiara, a wand, and generally "pretty" get-ups that I could complement with elaborate hair, blush and lip gloss.

My mother, however, thought that this was a very boring direction for me to go in.

(Also, my parents had quite a sense of humor. When I was about 3 years old, for example, they dressed me up as Whistler's Mother. As you might imagine, this was not only lost on me but on 90% of the households my dad took me around to. But my parents got a good laugh.)

My mom was always trying to talk me out of being a boring fairy/princess/fairyprincess and into something more interesting.

I found this photo from 4th grade. It was 1984 and ALL my friends wanted to be variations of "punk rockers" (note that two of them were). My mom did not think that was very interesting either, so I ended up as Peter Pan (her choice).

Please note that I felt the need to include my costumed Cabbage Patch Kid in the trick-or-treat festivities.

Anyway.

Things haven't really changed much in all these years. I still have aspirations of wearing "pretty" costumes, except that by "pretty" I apparently mean "slutty" because -- and I'm not sure where I was when this change happened -- Halloween has become the trampiest night of the year.

I'm not complaining.

I just think it's a fascinating turn in pop culture/pop anthropology how we've made this societal shift, and now EVERY costume for women is about exposing cleavage and legs and wearing fishnets and platform heels.

I guess the point is that women can, at least one day a year, wear these things unapologetically? Or something?

Well, whatever. I'm down with it. Or rather, I would be, if I felt like wearing something of that ilk in public would be "sexy" instead of "horrifying." I'm not totally psyched about costumes such as "Naughty Plus-Size Nurse!" because -- and let's be honest here -- the outfit would more appropriately be called "Enormous White Vinyl Sack! Self-esteem not included."

And I don't really feel like shelling out $59 for that kind of humiliation. Especially not when I could go out wearing an assortment of white trash bags to the same effect. (Hmmm...is WITH the belt or without sexier?)

I'm not actually bitter about this -- it's my own damn fault my body isn't hotter, after all. But I am getting a bit tired of it. Surely there is a way to be both slutty and creative?

Yeah.

This morning I arrived at work and went to the ladies' room and there, in all her glory, was some woman from another office. She was putting the final touches on her Slutty Devil costume, which included a teeny-tiny mini skirt in shiny red material, devil horns, black fishnets, and red spiked heels.

In. The. Office.

For like, WORK.

So okay. I think when the Slutty Costume has gone mainstream enough to be worn to the office, there's only one of two directions we'll be headed next.

One: we rename Halloween "Go Naked and Have Sex with Lots of Strangers Day"; or

Two: we take back the idea of "creative."

And believe me, we can be "creative" without giving up the slutty entirely.

I wished that the girl in the bathroom had asked me about my costume, so that we could have had the following conversation:

[Devil Girl in Office Bathroom notices me looking at her.]

Devil Girl: Haha, I dressed up like this because my office is having a contest.

Me: Oh. Um...

[I try not to stare directly at her boobs.]

Me: ...It's a great costume.

[Devil Girl looks at me in my street clothes.]

Devil Girl: So...I guess your office isn't doing anything?

Me: No. But I decided to wear a costume anyway.

Devil Girl [suspiciously]: ...uhhh....so what are you...?

Me: I'm a Slutty Blogger.

Devil Girl [not understanding anything, least of all subtlety]: ...oh...I...um?...

Me: Trust me, this is what a slutty blogger looks like.

[I exit, triumphant. No vinyl or trash bags needed.]

I'm not sure if this would make my mom proud, exactly. But it's better than a fairy princess.






*What an awesome word. People should use it more. I'm totally bringing it back. "I'm bringin hoopla back..."