Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Slutty Blogger

This year, with all the travel and work-move and general hoopla* I decided to bow out of any sort of Halloween festivities.

But now that I have decidedly ZERO Halloween spirit, I'm a bit frustrated that the rest of the country isn't also ignoring the damn holiday.

When I was a little girl, all I ever wanted to be was one of three things:
1. A fairy
2. A princess
3. A fairy princess

This was because I wanted a tiara, a wand, and generally "pretty" get-ups that I could complement with elaborate hair, blush and lip gloss.

My mother, however, thought that this was a very boring direction for me to go in.

(Also, my parents had quite a sense of humor. When I was about 3 years old, for example, they dressed me up as Whistler's Mother. As you might imagine, this was not only lost on me but on 90% of the households my dad took me around to. But my parents got a good laugh.)

My mom was always trying to talk me out of being a boring fairy/princess/fairyprincess and into something more interesting.

I found this photo from 4th grade. It was 1984 and ALL my friends wanted to be variations of "punk rockers" (note that two of them were). My mom did not think that was very interesting either, so I ended up as Peter Pan (her choice).


Please note that I felt the need to include my costumed Cabbage Patch Kid in the trick-or-treat festivities.

Anyway.

Things haven't really changed much in all these years. I still have aspirations of wearing "pretty" costumes, except that by "pretty" I apparently mean "slutty" because -- and I'm not sure where I was when this change happened -- Halloween has become the trampiest night of the year.

I'm not complaining.

I just think it's a fascinating turn in pop culture/pop anthropology how we've made this societal shift, and now EVERY costume for women is about exposing cleavage and legs and wearing fishnets and platform heels.

I guess the point is that women can, at least one day a year, wear these things unapologetically? Or something?

Well, whatever. I'm down with it. Or rather, I would be, if I felt like wearing something of that ilk in public would be "sexy" instead of "horrifying." I'm not totally psyched about costumes such as "Naughty Plus-Size Nurse!" because -- and let's be honest here -- the outfit would more appropriately be called "Enormous White Vinyl Sack! Self-esteem not included."

And I don't really feel like shelling out $59 for that kind of humiliation. Especially not when I could go out wearing an assortment of white trash bags to the same effect. (Hmmm...is WITH the belt or without sexier?)

I'm not actually bitter about this -- it's my own damn fault my body isn't hotter, after all. But I am getting a bit tired of it. Surely there is a way to be both slutty and creative?

Yeah.

This morning I arrived at work and went to the ladies' room and there, in all her glory, was some woman from another office. She was putting the final touches on her Slutty Devil costume, which included a teeny-tiny mini skirt in shiny red material, devil horns, black fishnets, and red spiked heels.

In. The. Office.

For like, WORK.

So okay. I think when the Slutty Costume has gone mainstream enough to be worn to the office, there's only one of two directions we'll be headed next.

One: we rename Halloween "Go Naked and Have Sex with Lots of Strangers Day"; or

Two: we take back the idea of "creative."

And believe me, we can be "creative" without giving up the slutty entirely.

I wished that the girl in the bathroom had asked me about my costume, so that we could have had the following conversation:


[Devil Girl in Office Bathroom notices me looking at her.]

Devil Girl: Haha, I dressed up like this because my office is having a contest.

Me: Oh. Um...

[I try not to stare directly at her boobs.]

Me: ...It's a great costume.

[Devil Girl looks at me in my street clothes.]

Devil Girl: So...I guess your office isn't doing anything?

Me: No. But I decided to wear a costume anyway.

Devil Girl [suspiciously]: ...uhhh....so what are you...?

Me: I'm a Slutty Blogger.

Devil Girl [not understanding anything, least of all subtlety]: ...oh...I...um?...

Me: Trust me, this is what a slutty blogger looks like.

[I exit, triumphant. No vinyl or trash bags needed.]


I'm not sure if this would make my mom proud, exactly. But it's better than a fairy princess.






*What an awesome word. People should use it more. I'm totally bringing it back. "I'm bringin hoopla back..."

27 comments:

  1. My only question is this: why the sexism? Why aren't men compelled to dress up as slutty firemen, or slutty astronauts, or slutty Ron Burgundy?

    In protest, I intend to dress up as Michael Flatley, using a borrowed pair of tights, an unbuttoned vest, clunky shoes, and nothing else (except maybe a glittery headband), and whore it up between intense fits of Irish dancing/convulsing. Now wouldn't that be a hoopla?!

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  2. Awesome post. I just blogged about this myself. My office is going ape shit, with multiple SKITS led by our Asst. Lead Counsel (who today is Doc from Back to the Future). I have zero enthusiasm.

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  3. and here i was thinking i was the only one who thought we should rename Halloween "Go Naked and Have Sex with Lots of Strangers Day"

    although i do remember in high school dressing up as a sexy cop. and i remember the rush at the reaction it got from dracula. so i guess i can't complain about "Go Naked and Have Sex with Lots of Strangers Day." heck, maybe that should really be every day.

    oh wait. i sure as hell ain't built like i used to be! sigh.

    happy halloween. i'm going to hand out candy & try not to eat as much as i give away.

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  4. This year has been the most creative costume-wise. I haven't dressed up in a while, so I was super excited this year when I found PINK boxing gloves... I instantly wanted to be a boxer. But I saved the world from the horror that is my body and wasn't a sexy boxer. I actually wore a robe, men's athletic shorts that went to my knees, and a tank top. :) As for guys... sometimes they dress "sexy" This year I saw at least 3 guys dressed as french maids, multiple Lt. Dangle's (from reno 911... while he's not "sexy" he's in SHORT shorts), and a couple other hot ones.

    At work... I painted my face a sickly shade of gray and went as a dead person.

    i miss dressing up...

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  5. I love imaginary conversation posts!

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  6. great post. a few years back a guy at work dressed up like the bike cop on "reno 911". yeah, it just didn't look right seeing him in daisy duke brown shorts with them hairy legs. i prefer gore over sexy costumes. my mom loved it growning up.

    i'm not feeling it this year either.

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  7. Oh man, I am so going as a slutty blogger this year. Think it will embarrass my 12 year old?

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  8. Your post totally reminded me of this:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4rUiV_Hh74

    And of the two years I worked at UCSB, and watched women go out to Isla Vista in matching bra-and-panty sets with a set of wings or ears. Yikes.

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  9. You are the best.

    And I am so loving Fort Knocks up there - I would LOVE to see a guy go out dressed as Michael Flatley.

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  10. You just brought me to tears with Whistler's Mother. It makes me want to have a kid for the sole purpose of dressing them up similarly.

    :D

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  11. I love Slutty Blogger. Guess that's what I was yesterday too. HA!

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  12. I'm not really into Halloween or dressing up either. Thought it was cool walking down California St behind a ghostbuster who was holding hands with .... I don't know what she was supposed to be, but it involved a lot of pillows around her mid-section.

    By the time I was on the bus heading home after work, I'd forgotten it was Halloween. There should be a word like grinch that means the same thing, but for Halloween.

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  13. You dressed as me? I'm so flattered!

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  14. How have I missed your blog??? Won't happen again. Adding you to my feed woman!

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  15. Ahh you picked a topic close to my heart! I recently wrote about this love the world now has with slutty costumes (hello? slutty ladbybug costume?!), but you did it without sounding like a crazy person (unlike me) so I really do have to leave a comment! Oh, and although it was your moms idea, Peter Pan was cute!!

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  16. Alright, I am going to say it-your hilarious! My friend recommended you to me and I am glad she did! Keep up the good work you little sluttly blogger you!

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  17. I was just discussing this phenomenon with friends the other night. How apparently for Halloween you can add the word slutty to anything and it becomes a legit costume.
    A friend from work was going out as a slutty barissta...what does that include? Just the Starbucks apron and nothing else.

    I love the sluttly blogger, you rock that costume girl!

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  18. Very well said, and funny to boot. Did you happen to read Joel Stein's op-ed for the LA Times? I think you're of one mind ;o)

    (if you would like to read the op-ed, please go to my blog-- the link is awkwardly long to post)

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  19. I'm only really counting one kinda punker in the pic from the past. At the same time, whichever one of your childhood friends it was that ended up with the Belinda Carslile costume totally nailed it. *lol*

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  20. ha i loved this! I'm a friggin youth group leader / part of a big sister type of thing and when I see 14 year old girls dressing up as slutty devils, slutty bumblebees, slutty helen keller, WHATEVER... I just want to.. I don't know. :: smacks forehead :: I think it should be named "slutty day"... although I am a big fan of halloween and I'd hate to see it go to that... ::sigh::

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  21. I love it! Come to think of it I think I left the house as a blogger too. I hate halloween so I don't say anything at all but I do agree it has become quite the holiday for general trampiness.

    Next year maybe I'll go for the slutty blogger look.

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  22. That made me laugh out loud. Several times. I'm with you, sister.
    Here's to Hoopla and the slutty blogger!

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  23. I have the same problem. If I wanted to dress up all my choices are atrocious and would only serve to send me running for the krispy kremes to consol me.

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  24. I usually end up thinking about this around Halloween and it is rather frustrating not to be able to find a good costume that doesn't make you look awful. I loved the made up conversation you had.

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  25. OMG--those were my sentiments exactly this halloween. It's such a trashy holiday now and while it still is my favorite one, I don't like the inappropriateness of the holiday. I swear women have taken a complete turn and it's quite disgusting. Just for the record, the last four years I have been:
    1. Michael Phelp's Girlfriend
    2. decently clad fallen angel
    3. Melting Glacier
    4. Magic 8 Ball

    Nothing required sluttiness, most people appreciated my wit and sense of humor and I felt confident, funny and comfortable.

    Excellent Post, Kristy!

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  26. 1. I don't understand the concept of Sexy Halloween at all. And I doubt I ever will.
    2. Whistler's Mother is hilarious... but really kind of cruel for a child.
    3. Oh, how I wish she'd asked what you were.
    4. I once spent a Halloween in a foreign country. My friend and I spent the whole day coming up with ideas as to what we might be without costumes. Things that look just like everyone else. We came up with things like "Closet Porn Addict", "Opus Dei Member", "Child Pornographer", "Kleptomaniac"... that sort of thing. It was great fun.

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