Saturday, October 20, 2007

Fan-Fucking-Tastic

"So your boyfriend...he's divorced now, right?"

Yes, thanks.

In case you're just catching up or didn't know or forgot or whatever, when I started dating Ish/Pete, he was separated. Several wonderful and yet terrifying months later, his status changed to going through a divorce. And then, a mere year and nine months after we met, he was officially divorced. Piece of cake! Just like that! La la laaaaaa!

< / sarcasm >

So but here we are now. On the one hand, he's only really been single for a little over four months.

On the other hand, the hand that I happen to be waving at the moment, we've been together for over two years.

I have written comparatively little on our relationship because I wasn't supposed to, back when he was separated and then getting divorced. But now that we're more or less a "normal" couple, I don't even know where to start. I spent so much time and energy blocking him/us out as a possible blog topic that it's like I don't know HOW to write about him/us without sounding stupid or boring.

The plain truth is that our relationship has been overall great, and fun, and really, really funny.

But it has also been scary and sad and hard. Because right, it is a relationship.

One day last April, without warning, I found myself writing about the hardest part. I wrote this post -- about feeling on the outside, when we were so very unsure, when we were not going to Europe, when we were maybe not going anyplace.

The gist, if you don't want to read my heartbreak directly (and I wouldn't blame you), is that Ish is the kind of guy who can and would take the right girl to Paris. And I wrote about how I wish I could be that kind of girl. And how I'm afraid I'm just not built that way.

That post exposes my deepest fears and greatest self-doubts. And it is brutally honest and true.

But I think it's probably time to say, here in writing, that it's not my only truth.

As much as I have this horrible dread, this deep-down fear that I am never going to be "good enough," well. I have this other, deep-down belief, too.

The one where I am fan-fucking-tastic.

SO WHAT if I spill nearly anything I ever sip because you know what else? I am not about my clothes. I am smart and interesting and funny, and no pair of designer shoes are going to make me smarter or more interesting or more funny. Yeah, I know I need to lose weight, but have you seen me dance? And what good is having a fantastic body if you still insist on lights-out-only sex? What's that all about? Lights on, covers down, let's rock this casbah, baby!

I am a mess, sure, but I clean up okay. Sometimes I have my feeling down, feeling fat days and I don't want to wear anything but pants with elastic waistbands and t-shirts and no make-up. But that doesn't mean I don't also have my cleavage-exposing, curve-hugging outfit days where I blow out my hair and rock the smoky eyes and seductive glances.

I have baggage and I have strength. I have sadness and loss, and I have hope and an unshakable belief in love, good, and a glass-half-full tomorrow. I have some pretty good talents, some pretty good stories, and I almost always have something to say. I am vibrant and present and every day, I show up for my life.

And so I have my doubts, of course, but I also have my fierce conviction that if he doesn't see it, doesn't get it, doesn't want it, then we're both better off moving on. No matter who that "he" is.

Right now, that "he" is Ish. And for all his path-wending, he does, totally, get it.

"I really do love you," he will say.

And sometimes I think that's amazing and hard to believe. But most of the time I just say, only half-kidding, "You'd be pretty dumb not to."

We leave for Paris in two weeks.

57 comments:

  1. See! You are that girl-just like someday someone will bring me to the drive-in.

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  2. Good for you! Paris is so amazing. I didn't get to go with someone I loved, but I did get to eat lots of pain au chocolats, which is pretty much as close as you can get without an actual man.

    I know exactly what you were saying in that other post because I am there right now with the guy I'm dating. I have moments of absolute terror, waiting for the day he'll realize that he's far too good for me. Of course, I realize in my rational moments that I have a lot of good qualities and he's lucky to have me too, but it doesn't stop me from looking at him from time to time and thinking "What are YOU doing with ME?" That damn other shoe, just dangling there.

    So, thanks for being all inspirational-like.

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  3. Kristy. I have been reading your blog for over a year now, but I have been too shy to say anything until now (I apologize if that's weird, I don't know proper blog etiquette, am I supposed to introduce myself? Hi.) I don't remember how I came across your blog but I have been hooked from day one. Today's post was so beautiful, it made me cry. Thank you, I needed that.

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  4. I think that this post just proves that you're a real, true human being. That's what makes each of us interesting and worth it. I have to say, I'm a new reader of yours but I already think that you're fan-fucking-tastic!
    Have a great time in Paris!

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  5. that is awesome. i had my paris moment when j & i went to belize last thanksgiving. we had already been married awhile and while it probably will make no sense to anyone, it was my paris. we had a fabulous time and i will never forget it.

    but i do hope to go visit museums in paris someday. hope you have a fabulous time. enjoy.

    becky
    (misspriss.org)
    (my blogger id doesn't match my normal blog)

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  6. YES! I have known that you are, in fact, fan-FUCKING-tastic all along. And I am so happy he gets it. And I am going to check this blog for 2 weeks and smile at no-new-updates, oh yeah, CUZ YOU'RE IN PARIS. I couldn't be happier for one of my real friends than I am for you, one of my many e-friends!

    Casey

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  7. I've been reading you forever. This made me practically tear up. Yay for Paris. Yay for you guys.

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  8. What an awesome post! I think pretty much everyone has days when they feel awful, surely? I know I do.

    Enjoy Paris.

    Kyls

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  9. I just started reading your blog (linked from Redacted) and this post is so ass-kicking, I am totally in love with you (I'm a straight woman, so you know how I mean). If I didn't live in the east of Canada, I'd soooo want to hang out and be your friend.

    Thanks for making my day.

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  10. Yep, this totally made my day, too. I mean, seriously, you've got one of those Love Story love stories, you know? The capitalized ones. The ones that HAVE to be written about.

    And yes, that's pretty freakin' fantastic.

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  11. Fan-fucking-tastic post, Kristy! But then, you are a fan-fucking-tastic writer! :)

    You and Ish have a GREAT time in Paris!

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  12. Thank you for the kind words. After I wrote this I thought about taking it down because I feel embarrassed and almost ashamed of being so brazen in writing!

    I'm bracing for the mean commenter, you know?

    That said...

    LL - How romantic! I believe it will happen, and be awesome.

    Superfantastic - Exactly. Sometimes I wonder if it's only worth it this way, though? I mean, this is the most exciting relationship I've ever been in, that's for sure.

    Anon 3:33 - thank you for de-lurking. Welcome to the "party." :) I'm glad you said hi, and genuinely touched. *hug*

    tracy - thanks! That's so nice of you. And uh, nice to meet you.

    becky - I don't care if it doesn't make sense, I think that we can be bowled over by romance at any time in a relationship, and that definitely shouldn't stop with marriage. Congrats to you. :)

    Casey - that's so sweet I don't even know what to say. Ish/Pete even got a little choked up reading your comment.

    sue - thanks for reading and thanks for hanging in and thanks for the encouragement. It means so much.

    Kyls - thank you, I'm so glad it came across as good and not "obnoxious." And oh, those days are many...we just hold out for the better ones.

    rebecca - that's awesome! Especially because Dan rocks and I often feel I'm not worthy. But you know, we could totally be friends and then talk about Dan and Brooke on the phone like they're Brangelina. Would Brooke and Dan be just "Bran"? Or um, "Drooke"? We need to work on this.

    elise - Gosh, I sure hope so. So far, so good. Thanks for the encouragement. :)

    DML - Well, thank you for saying so. You're not so bad yourself, there, missy. And I hope we do have an *awesome* time. Whee!

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  13. Also, btw? I hope it's okay if in the next week or so I write about my neuroticism related to this trip.

    Like, getting over having to buy clothes at THIS SIZE for the trip, and being the fat American among all the waify French fashionistas? Yeah?

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  14. I am so glad I stumbled upon your blog. Wonderful writing. Heartstrings tugged.

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  15. Ack! Congratulations a million times over! You are fucking-fan-tastic and I could tell since the first time I read you about two years ago. I have only been to Paris once and for about two hours for a layover. Some French woman who had brought her itty bitty poodle mix on the plane got off with us. Going through customs the dog began humping her leg very enthusiastically, to which she said to our group of giggling teenagers: See, everyone loves returning back to Paris!

    Love you and nothing but happy thoughts your way!

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  16. Hurray for both of you. :) Look forward to some illustrations after your trip. ;)

    And one of the many reasons I'm glad I stumbled on your blog is because every now and then someone leaves a comment that I like so I click on their link and find more fabulous funny folk to read. Hello Franki!

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  17. shitfuckpisshelldamn.

    Honey, you rock. You soo deserve...you know....

    Lovin' you from the innernets...

    Your ghostcyberselfadoptedmom.....

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  18. yay, you! for everything you just said.

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  19. Yay! I am so glad you are the Paris girl. I hope you enjoy it, and don't miss Versailles!

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  20. LOVE this. It's true, you are fan-fucking-tastic. It's so easy to forget that, and isn't that crazy? Me, I'm still trying to get a grip on that for myself. But I'm glad YOU've got it, and have fun in Paris!

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  21. Amen sister! I have both of those kinds of days and after being divorced a year (after going through a divorce for 6 months and being separated for 6 months before that) am waiting for the guy who thinks I'm worth Paris. He may never show up, but that doesn't mean I'm not worth it! Thanks for the post!

    Just came across your blog, am loving it. Have a great time!

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  22. so exciting - have fun.
    If you elope we'll send you gifts.

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  23. Kristy,

    By mild coincidence, I have been trying to convince another Internet friend that it is confidence that actually makes a woman sexy. This more confident self of you comes as absolutely no surprise to me. While your neuroticism is cute and funny and what propels She Walks, your sexy confidence, the part that lets you put it out there for all to see, makes it so compelling. It's is the counterpoint to your self-deprecating melody.

    For this blog to be as great as it is, the confident part of you has to exist.

    Thank God it does ;)

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  24. You made me go Awwwww!

    I'm horribly envious .... I love Paris like I lived there in a former life. Isn't going to happen in this one *sigh*

    Have an awesome time. Take a filthy lot of photos and post them on your blog and let us all writhe in agony looking at them, ok?

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  25. YAY KIKI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    After 3 years in my current relationship, my boyfriend is bringing me to South Africa to meet his family. For a month. In December. I am the only woman he has ever brought.

    I am that girl. And I totally get it : )

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  26. I think you are brilliant and that you deserve Paris!

    (btw, I live in Paris and would be more than happy to provide addresses and must sees if you like)

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  27. Yup. Enough guilt thrown at the poor guy and blogged about to the whole world, and he'd finally have not much choice. It could have been so much more romantic to wait until it was HIS idea to take you somewhere that HE wanted to.

    Flame away. It's my opinion.

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  28. I'm so impressed, I have no idea what to write! You are incredible!

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  29. Ahhhh forget all that bullshit of feeling like a fat American...you're not fat, you're beautiful and someone knows it and loves all your little "details" (by that I mean the unfavorables). My fiance will pay extra love and attention to my "details" which I'm not so found of. It's taken me 4 years to get over my "details" but I don't mind them so much thanks to him. I know that if he had the money, he would totally take me to Paris! So jealous! I can't wait to hear your stories. Oh and BTW... I'm Jewel! Thank you for your writing, I really appreciate you sharing your life.

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  30. That made my heart melt. :)

    Enjoy Paris, the two of you deserve it. Can't wait for the pictures!

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  31. Bon-Freaking-Voyage. Very cool.

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  32. this put tears in my eyes...the best kind of tears...the happy kind.

    Have a wonderful time.

    All the best

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  33. Bravo. I'm a new reader to your blog but you have an incredible writing style and an relatability (I think I just made that word up).

    in short. you are awsome. :)

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  34. anon 4:48 - I'm not going to flame, I see your point. Were it not my blog (well, and my life), I would probably feel the same way.

    But there's always more to the story, and the chronology as it may come across here isn't quite right.

    We -- and I do mean "we," not me cajoling -- had already decided to go to Paris by the time I wrote that piece last April. It was only because the issue/s had been resolved that I was able to put it into perspective and write about it.

    I have not written anything about our relationship that we haven't privately discussed and resolved...for the very reasons you outline. I don't ever want to use this blog as my personal passive-aggressive machine.

    That's also why I never write about us. I have TONS of angst, fears, concerns, hopes -- all the trials and tribulations that come from being in a relationship. But I can't/won't/don't write about those unresolved feelings here because it wouldn't be fair (or useful). If I can't talk about it with him, if I don't feel like I'm in a good place about it with him, then it doesn't get posted here.

    We've had our European reservations for months, I just didn't know how to bring it up earlier.

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  35. Hear, Hear, Kristy!

    Although you share so much of yourself with us through your blog, it is still YOUR LIFE, and there are things you will always keep private.

    I LOVELOVELOVE your blog, and I appreciate the parts of your life you are willing to share.

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  36. < / lurk >
    Everything that K puts on her blog that involves me, we have discussed. There is no formal process, but by the time it's on the blog, it's been processed. Sometimes I see posts pre-publication, but most of the time, I only see them after they are online. On very rare occasions, I've asked K to change or remove something, which she has done without hesitation.

    So: we're going to Paris. I was not guilted into it. It's something we've been discussing for along time, and plans have been in the works for months.

    I'm looking forward to it!

    < lurk >

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  37. I had tears in my eyes by time I got to We leave for Paris in two weeks.

    I think you most both be fan-fucking-tastic.

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  38. Paris will be beautiful for you, Kristy. Not because of the time of year or season, per say, but because you're going with someone you love and you deserve this trip. I hope you and Ish have a fabulous time. And I'm so happy for you! Yay!

    Have a wonderful and safe trip, drink lots of wine (cheaper than water there, from what I've heard), and we'll be expecting some great pictures and posts when you get back!

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  39. I've been with you since your single, pre-blog, Best-of CL days (we even emailed, once upon a time), and have been quietly following the ins and outs of your life without commentary.

    Right now, reading about your man and your trip, I feel like a proud parent. You deserve a good relationship - you deserve to be taken to Paris, and I'm happy to read that you are getting everything that you deserve.

    Have a fantastic trip!

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  40. Your words made me smile.. have a fun trip!!

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  41. omg omg omg omg...

    Awesome!

    Yes, I've been lurking here for far too long. Kinda creepy when you think about it but all these commenters, wow! I'm shy and you're popular and yikes. But yeah! This had to be commented upon. I'm SO happy for you. I hope you guys have a fantabulous time.

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  42. Ericha2@yahoo.com5:05 PM, October 22, 2007

    K-
    I used to comment a lot but my own life has been in the way recently. I just HAD to comment today.

    I am SO Incredibly Happy for you! I too had tears in my eyes because without having to reread your Paris post I remembered it and how much it made my heart ache for you. I'm so glad that you are the girl and that you and Ish got to this point months before you posted it. I may not "know" you but I've always felt a kinship with you, as many of your IIFs probably feel. You will take a little piece of each of us with you in your heart to Paris.

    Enjoy!

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  43. YEY!!!

    And what an amazing post, btw!

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  44. Hi K,
    I've been silently reading your blog for a while now, and this is my first comment. Today's post hit home for me...and I just wanted to say MERCI BEAUCOUP for your wonderful writing and your "unshakable belief in love, good, and a glass-half-full tomorrow"...it's INSPIRING. :)

    And YAY for Paris. I wish you (and Ish) all the very best...kick-@ss in Paris!!!! :)

    -a hawaiian girl in india

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  45. "I really do love you," he will say. And sometimes I think that's amazing and hard to believe. But most of the time I just say, only half-kidding, "You'd be pretty dumb not to."
    this was a wonderful post, k. well done! i love that you are insecure and confident all rolled into one. you are wonderful!

    i'm thrilled for both of you and your paris getaway. looking forward to photos and drawings. stay safe!

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  46. I remember the Paris post - I cried at work. Now I read this and got teary - congrats! Have a wonderful time in Paris!

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  47. I'm so happy for you. I was really scared right up until the end that you were going to say you broke up. I just ended a four year, live-in relationship with a wonderful man... who also thinks I am wonderful, because beneath all that wonderfulness, we're just not right for each other. It is the hardest thing I've ever done, but undoubtedly the most "right" thing.

    HAVE FUN. I love Paris. Go do the Musee D'orsay. And the Rodin Museum. That's my fave. :-)

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  48. I really enjoyed this post because I can relate totally...my pretty wonderful boyfriend was also "separated" at the time that we met. It was just going to be fun, no strings attached...and here we are three years later. It's nice to know I'm not alone! Yes, he's only been divorced for a year and a half, but we've been a team for way longer than that. It's a hard balance to find.

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  49. I've only been reading your blog for a few months, but there is something about you so real that I adore. I too come from a fractured past. Our family while perfect looking on the outside was full of drama on the inside. I also went through relationships that were not healthy in my younger days. I dated a man for multiple years only to find out he lived a complete double life. I wised up and we broke it off. I didn't date anyone for over a year because I was so devestated and thought no one could love me. (Pity party of one... that was me) Then almost 4 years ago I met a man online on a dating site... we met in SF (we didn't live here at the time) spent the day together it was fantastic. We kept in touch but lived long distance - a year in a half ago we reconnected when he moved to SF and I was living in Sacramento and started dating, now we are engaged and living in SF. For us it was multiple things... Timing being the most crucial. The second was trying to get over all the insecurities from past relationships and family issues and realize there really are GOOD GUYS out there. We all deserve happiness, and love and to be loved it's just finding the mate who gets you and who you get. I believe everything in life happens for a reason good or bad... and I'm happy for you that you found the Good!! :) YAY! I love your blog and your Paris Post reminded me of myself when I first started dating my now fiance. What will be will be - enjoy the ride!

    Jenn in SF

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  50. I only recently started reading your website -- it was when Lisa sent the BlogHer CEs that link to the post you did about going to the gym with a personal trainer (HILARIOUS, by the way!).

    I wanted to comment on this one, though, because I'm currently in a similar situation. I'm seeing a guy who's separated (except mine is already going through the divorce), and I can't talk about him on my website because of his "status." I kind of get the same feeling you do; that when I'm finally able to talk about him, it's going to feel weird because I'm so used to NOT talking about him. It's good to know that other people have gone through the same experience. :)

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  51. "I have baggage and I have strength. I have sadness and loss, and I have hope and an unshakable belief in love, good, and a glass-half-full tomorrow. I have some pretty good talents, some pretty good stories, and I almost always have something to say. I am vibrant and present and every day, I show up for my life."


    simply. beautiful. and oh so well put.

    enjoy your time in paris, my dear, you two deserve to have a wonderful time.

    xo, bb

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  52. You GO, girl! And enjoy every minute of it!

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  53. ME TOO!!!

    'nuff said.

    Well, or Amen or something like that.

    And ... thanks.

    Good luck with Ish!

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  54. I justread your old post about paris in april and im so glad you are going now. Have fun!!

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  55. Woo! Kiki and Ish in Paris :)
    Glad things are going so well, and that you are feeling so very good about yourself.
    My boy's divorce became final this week and with my other hand I wave that we've been together like 10 months. But I still fear that he will wake up one day and wonder why he is with me, even though I like to think myself confident most the time. You give me hope though.

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  56. You help me keep the hope alive, that one day I will be The Paris Girl

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  57. Yay! I have just finished reading every single post you have ever written after finding my way here via Whoorl. And I started to cry when I read, "We leave for Paris in two weeks." I love your blog, you have inspired me to write a blog, and I will continue to read.

    Thanks for all the laughs and tears!

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