Tuesday, June 30, 2009

WHAT'S UP, MA BITCHES?!?!

We had a routine check-in at the doctor's office this morning, which means we had the conversation. Again. The one that starts with the doctor/nurse making a meaning-to-be-kind joke about when is this baby going to get with the program?, all happy-funny-like. The one that goes from happy-funny to oh-crap the moment they ask me the questions they have to ask me. Have you felt any... Did you see any... Has the baby...

No. Nope. Not even a little.

Quite frankly, I'm rather calm about this. She's not going to stay in forever. She'll come when she wants to, and who am I to tell her different? So far I feel fine, IF A BIT ANXIOUS, YOU KNOW, and so whatever, I wait and make jokes at the doctor's office.

So today -- perhaps out of hope, perhaps out of disbelief that a woman 5 days overdue could have a sense of humor about it -- my nurse took a long time to find the heartbeat with her baby stethoscope thing while I tried not to panic.

(I don't care who you are or how many times you've done this, I think every time you don't hear your baby's heartbeat, your own heart stops.)

"I think she's riding high," I offered, because that was the case last week.

But even still, even after checking and seeing the image on the screen, the nurse seemed determined not to place the stethoscope above my belly button until she got desperate. Because that's not where a baby who is getting ready to be born should be.

But that's where she was.

After our check-up, the nurse said we should head to the hospital for another round of non-stress tests (NSTs) like we did last week. Guess it's SOP for when you're overdue. So we scheduled another appointment with a delivery doctor for Monday -- if we haven't had the baby by then, we should be prepared to make "a plan" then.

We then went to the hospital and listened to the baby for a half-hour. Everything looks perfect, and my blood pressure is back to normal. We scheduled our next NST for Friday. But the nurse at the hospital said we should pack our stuff for Friday's appointment "just in case."

So hmmmm.

At this point, I'd be shocked if she arrived before Friday. I'd also be surprised if they felt the need to induce me Friday if I haven't made any progress. Which is all to say that if she doesn't come in the next 24-48 hours, they might induce on Friday. Unless they don't. And then if she doesn't come after that, they'll check me again on Monday and induce me then. Unless they don't.

It's quite scientific, you see.

* * * * *

As I was walking down the hospital corridor on my way to the maternity ward for the third time in a week despite non-imminent labor, I honestly wanted to throw open the door and yell, WHAT IS UP, MA BITCHES!?!?! But I'm not totally insane and didn't. Instead, I Tweeted as much. No one seemed to think it was funny, but I think it's hilarious.

29 comments:

  1. Your tweet totally made me LOL :P And I hoped you had actually done it. Alas. ;)

    my "word verification" thingie is "weening" LOL

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  2. The title of this post made me laugh out loud tooo! So that totally counts.

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  3. I'm guessing you're in no hurry, but if you get to that point (by no means do I want to pry into private matters but..) try having a lot of sex. It's an old wives tale that it can speed things along. And a whole lot more enjoyable than being induced. :-)

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  4. your title just made me snort!

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  5. You are a pregnant woman. You are allowed to scream insane things.

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  6. I think you are funny, even if the people of twitter didn't.

    Hang in there. You are so much more patient than I was as a pregnant woman. My son was born at 41weeks 6 days, and only after an induction, so I think I kinda know what you are going through...

    It does not sound like you are tempted, but I will remind you this: DON'T DRINK THE CASTOR OIL. It won't make the baby come out. I promise you this.

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  7. Sounds damned funny to me and if I were on Twitter, I'd definitely had laughed.

    I hear you on the waiting thing - it's tough when you're just damned ready and the baby isn't. I about strangled my father when he called and said, 'you know Rach, just because you have a due date, it doesn't mean the baby will be born that exact day'. Ya think?

    Mine was 9 days late - and was absolutely fine and healthy. Sending you wishes for the same (not the 9 days part - the fine/healthy part).

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  8. I don't twitter and your title got attention finally and I was so excited. I thought maybe...well, just maybe. It will be soon. I'm telling you she has headed for higher ground and isn't so hip on coming out. She is thinking "You want me to go through WHAT? No way in hell am I going to fit through that little exit!"

    Hang in there, kiddo. It has to happen sometime. With my first they induced me....it was not what I'd expected for sure.

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  9. My first was 7 days overdue and finally came on his own (even though I was begging for them to take him out, but I was in Davis, CA, where there was no way they were going to intervene). My second was induced a week early. Not really sure why. DON'T LET THEM INDUCE YOU!!! It makes labor so much worse, and if there's no medical reason to do it, I'd advise let your baby wait until she's ready. I'm pregnant now and will NOT let them induce me this time. Babies will come out when they're ready. You've never read of babies being born after 12 months gestation, have you??

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  10. dude, i thought your tweet was very funny! totally made me laugh out loud alone in my living room. :-)

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  11. Kristy, I just had a baby in May and my story (and my body type!) sound similar to yours. My baby was NOT READY to come out and they made me schedule an induction because of a GD diagnosis. Not because she was showing ANY signs of distress or any other reason to induce. At my appt before the induction I was still "high and tight" and I begged my doc to postpone. She agreed to wait six days. Water broke on day three, baby born after a 36 hour labor.

    Long story short, don't let them freak you out and listen to your body :) Baby will come when ready.

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  12. 5 days! HAH. My first child was born three weeks after his due date. It was 1963, and they didn't do inductions then, so other than drinking castor oil (old wive's rememdy and they were WRONG), we just waited. He was fine, I was fine, but I felt like I'd been pregnant for 300 years.

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  13. Oh crap, somehow I lost my comment half way through.

    Here (again) is some unsoliscited advice. Go to a health food store (do they have those in CA? hahaha) and buy Raspberry Leaf Tea (must be 'leaf') and Stinging Nettle Tea. Steep the two together for 10 minutes. You and Ish enjoy a mug tonight. Wait for the magic. (worked for me)

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  14. I was induced 2 weeks early with my daughter because she was showing no signs of coming anytime soon. Dr said that if they didn't induce rightthisverysecond, she was going to be too big for me to deliver without an emergency c-section. Long story short, they induced, 36 hours of labor later-she got here... at 6 lb, 10 oz. If I could have moved my legs at that point, I would have kicked that Dr. in the head for putting me through an induction for a baby not even 7 pounds! Dr's are stupid. And they can't make you have your baby any sooner than you're ready too. It sucks, but I'd say wait it out. Oh, and the sex thing is an old wives tale. Trust me on this.

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  15. Can't you do jumping jacks or something? Beats me, I've never had a baby.
    I totally think you should have yelled that.

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  16. I'm new to your postings (this week) but can sympathize with being overdue. I won't bore you with the details (two pregnancies, two inductions, two (BIG) healthy, beautiful baby boys!).

    Anyway, like an expectant new auntie, I'm waiting patiently for news at my computer. Take this time to enjoy the peaceful quietness between you and Ish. "Peaceful quietness" will take on a different meaning when you become parents.

    Wishing you luck with your new little "firecracker" over the holiday weekend. Just think - she began approximately nine months ago as fireworks, she just may choose to make her appearance over the holiday as an unforgettable firecracker, just like her Mommy!

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  17. I wish you the best, Kristy!

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  18. Just to offer a different data point, I was induced (broke my water) at a week early (medical reasons) and my labor was 2 hours and 40 minutes. Zippy! But my son was dropped so low he was riding between my knees (seriously, the doctor expressed surprise I could walk) and I was dilated to SIX with no contractions. So obviously I was ready. Every person, every baby, every body is different. And as you say, she won't stay in forever, labor won't last forever, this will all be over.

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  19. I think it would have hilarious to yell, "What's up, Ma Bitches?"

    Next time your at the hospital...do it!

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  20. Every morning at work I log in to see if you've had the baby yet!! She will come when she's ready - maybe she just wants to hang out w/ mommy for a little while longer! :)

    JL

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  21. DUDE! I just snorted tea, which isn't as painful as you might think. Interesting.

    Stay strong, Mamacita. I'm thinking good thoughts for you.

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  22. that's why they call it a medical "practice", right? My own kid arrived almost a MONTH to the day from my predicted "due date" so what the hell do they know?

    I will start saying "WUT UP, MA BITCHES?" and thinking labor inducing thoughts for you, because that is a wicked Klassy phrase right there! LOVES IT!

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  23. She's probably waiting to be a Yankee Doodle Dandy Baby like her mama! Hang in there!

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  24. I'm not a mother, but I was born to one, I'd like to echo some of the statements here, she will come when she is ready. I was born 9 weeks past my due date(in 1976) and my mom's ob/gyn refused to induce because we were both fine, and because my brother had died the year before of SIDS. I was just over 10lbs at birth and it was au natural.

    I think Dr's are always in a big hurry to push that induction nonsense when our own bodies know when we are ready. I know you'll both be fine! :) Can't wait to see the little peanut!

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  25. my bundle of joy was 12 days overdue and then surprised me with rapid labor. It was the ONE chapter of any prego books I had not read (didn't think it could possibly apply). Apparently the rapid labor bit surprised the docs too because an hour before she was born they were telling me it would be at least TWELVE MORE HOURS, if I was LUCKY. She was a fabulous baby, an amazing kid, and now a pretty awesome 19 y-o, so she was more than worth the drama! (Although she is still QUITE the Drama Queen)

    Thinking happy thoughts for you!

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  26. Philips Phile Surefire Birth Recipe

    (Directions must be followed exactly)

    The pregnant mother MUST be past her due date.
    The father* of the unborn child MUST purchase a newbox of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese (the original elbows with the powdered cheese in the blue box), and a bottle of A-1 Steak Sauce.
    The father* MUST make the entire box of Mac. & Cheese while the mom-to-be sits on her fat ass.
    The mother can add as much or as little (the more, the better) A1 Steak Sauce to the Mac. & Cheese.
    The mother MUST eat as much of the Mac. & Cheese as she can, preferably the entire box.
    The proud father* should start packing the bags and warming up the car because mom will be in labor within 24 hours.
    Send us a picture of the rug-rat.
    * Note: Any male figure will do if the father is in prison or in the witness protection program.

    The surefire recipe is guaranteed to work, (at least 9 out of 10 times) And if it doesn't, it means YOU screwed it up!

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  27. I'd eat that.

    But wait. I'm not sprogged up. What will the A1,Mac and Cheese combo do to a nonpregnant, not wanting to be, chica?

    LOL

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  28. comming from a mother of 3, she will definitely come out when she is ready. I have no idea exactly how late my daughter was because I was actually on birth control when I conceived so kind of hard to get an exact date of conception. She is here now and has been for almost 8 years and believe me we all know she is here. Good luck with your baby girl. I really enjoy reading your blog.

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  29. i thought it was funny :)
    you should've said it.

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