Sunday, June 28, 2009

Long Overdue

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UPDATED:

Oh, Anonymous.

I'm not sure, but I don't think my job here is to entertain you.

Posts about my relationship with Ish -- especially the ones where I'm happy -- never garner much response. I understand this. I mean, what are you supposed to say? How great for you?

At the same time, it's important to me to at least mention our relationship every now and again. It's not action-packed or self-deprecating, but my marriage currently makes up most of my life. After a bad divorce, relationships that didn't work, dating "challenges" and plenty of general misery, I really enjoy having a husband I like to write about.

No, perhaps following this meme structure wasn't riveting, but I thought the questions were good. I like reading other people's answers to them, anyway.

So you know? I don't blame you if you don't find the day-to-day aspects of my life interesting. Please feel free to read someone else's drama instead.
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ORIGINAL POST

I have nothing to complain about. Today will be the third day that I -- or rather, our daughter -- is overdue. I'm not comfortable in any bodily way, but you know? If I manage to give birth to a healthy child, it will have been worth it. Plus, seriously. I have air conditioning, ice cream, wifi, and a doting husband who does more housework than I do when I'm not pregnant.

I've been thinking a lot about that last part. That "doting husband" thing. I never write about it, and I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm reluctant to write mushy posts about how fabulous Ish is because I'm reluctant to write mushy posts at all.

But I do realize there is good, meaty stuff to write about him, and us, and how we went from dating to living together to getting married to where we are now. We're in the best place I could ever imagine being. We're beyond happy and googly-eyed about this kid, and sometimes I feel I almost need to pinch myself. Hey, I got to marry Ish!

And yes. "Got to" is exactly how I feel about it.

So last night when I was busy lying (laying? gah, I will never get it right) in bed NOT going into labor, I remembered that meme that Dooce did a while back, and thought it might be fun to try myself. It's not about Ish alone, but touches on many aspects of our relationship. (And I thought that following a structured Q&A would be nicer than rambling aimlessly.)


Insert Some Facebook Meme Title Here, Like "All About Your Marriage"

What are your middle names?

I'm always leery of these types of questions. Does anyone really care, or is this just phishing for personal information? Well, whatever. My middle name is Jane, after my mom's sister. Pete's middle name is Randolph, after his grandfather.


What is your social security number?
Ha ha, just kidding. They didn't ask that.


How long have you been together?
Our first date was Saturday, August 6, 2005. So almost four years.


How long did you know each other before you started dating?
That really depends on how you define "know." Pete answered my Craigslist personal ad on the afternoon of Friday, August 5th. The answer is therefore either "24 hours" or "we didn't."


Who asked whom out?
I thought my Craigslist ad had expired, so I was surprised to get his email. But it was cute and funny and he totally got what I was trying to get across. We had a brief but amusing email exchange, culminating in his saying he wanted to buy me a drink and our exchanging phone numbers. So he asked me out, but I made it easy for him.


How old are each of you?
My birthday is in July, his in August. I'm currently 33, and Pete is 40.


Whose siblings do you see the most?
Hmm. My sisters live in the Northeast, and we see them about twice a year: once for Christmas, once for some inevitable other event in spring/summer (weddings and births, for example). When we're visiting, we live together, so we spend ALL of our time together.

Pete has one sister who lives in Arizona. We get out to AZ more than twice a year (it's closer and easier than getting to New England), but our trips are much shorter, and we stay with Pete's parents -- so we don't see Whitney or her family 24/7. Altogether, it probably comes out pretty evenly.


Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
I don't know how to answer this. Pete and I don't really argue, so we don't have any topic that comes up time and again. I think what's hardest on us as a couple is what's hardest on us as individuals.

He had a really rough end to his first marriage. I am NOT the same person I'd be if my parents were alive and well. That's our baggage.

On a day-to-day basis -- and when we look at our future -- we're in very similar boats. We are frustrated that we don't do more with our creative passions; at best, I'm a part-time writer, he is a part-time comedian. We berate ourselves for this, but when push has come to shove, we've both ended up following a safer (corporate/suburban) life path. We both wonder if this will always be the case, and both hope that it won't.


Did you go to the same school?
No, not even a little bit. I grew up in CT, then had one totally false-start semester in Delaware, but ultimately went to and graduated from UCONN in 1997.

Pete grew up in CO and AZ and had much fancier college-ing than I. He went to Middlebury for a year, then transferred to UPENN (class of '90) and got his MBA from Stanford in '96.


Are you from the same home town?
Oops, I accidentally answered this above. But you know what's interesting? Or, okay, you know what's interesting to me? Pete's parents and grandparents grew up in the Midwest. My mom grew up in Minnesota, and both her parents AND my dad's parents were from Minnesota. I think that there are likely many ways that Pete's mom's upbringing was similar to my mom's, and his dad's was similar to my dad's, and that there's some kind of familiarity/understanding/way we connect that has something to do with that.


Who is smarter?
This is a tough question. If you were to ask, say, "Who has a greater capacity for learning and retaining information?" I would say that we're about evenly matched. But there is no question: Pete knows more than I do about almost everything...from trivia, to history, music, geography, politics, art, architecture, all things financial and mathematical, and even fucking vocabulary.

It's annoying, but I love him for it.

Pete also has an almost idiot-savant-like ability to remember faces and names (first and last).

Despite this, I do not feel intellectually inferior. I can go one-for-one with him in the clever department (or at least, we amuse each other). I know a subset of pop-culture, literature, and history that he doesn't.

I daresay my "emotional intelligence" quotient is higher, but not by a lot.

I can, however, out-focus him any day.


Who is the most sensitive?
I don't even know. If I had to pick one of us, I'd lean toward saying Pete.


Where do you eat out most as a couple?
We haven't found a regular spot in Napa yet, because the places are either really low-end or really expensive for what they are (e.g., $20 burger places). This isn't to say there aren't plenty of restaurants that aren't worth the expense, we just can't eat there all the time.

I'd say Taylor's Automatic Refresher is our current go-to. It's designed -- in looks and menu -- like an old-fashioned burger joint, but the food is updated, fantastic, and affordable. And in addition to offering root-beer floats (OM NOM), they have a decent wine list (including sparkling).

If we were gonna step it up, I'd say Thomas Keller's Ad Hoc would be our desired regular destination.


Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
Our trip to Paris and London. I never finished blogging about it, did I? Note to self.


Who has the craziest exes?
While this might depend on a very, very nuanced definition of "crazy," I'm pretty sure any way you slice it, I do. This is probably why I'm still friends with so many of them.


Who has the worst temper?
Definitely Pete. He gets very angry at the cats ("It's like negotiating with terrorists!") and at bad drivers. Surely I get annoyed with these things, too, and lots of things will make my blood boil, but I don't have the kinds of outbursts he does.

Ask me again after we've had a child.


Who does the cooking?
We both do. I probably cook more often, but that's because I'm home more. We both enjoy it, and Pete's got some great recipes. My stuff tends to taste better, but that's because Pete errs on the side of "healthy" where I err on the side of "needs more butter."

Regardless, we still get take-out a LOT.


Who is the neat-freak?
HAHAHAHA. It is a struggle for me to keep anything clean. I WANT things clean and organized, I MAKE things clean and organized, but it is a constant internal struggle for me to do so. And there are plenty of days where I just let things go.

Pete, on the other hand, can't sleep if the dishes aren't done. Who am I to stop him?


Who is more stubborn?
Me? Maybe? To be honest, stubbornness has never been an issue in our relationship. We're more likely to have issues over who's being more sensitive about something. It's a sappy mess when one of us hurts the other's feelings. Not because of the person whose feelings got hurt, but because of how bad the hurter feels.


Who hogs the bed?
The cats.


Who wakes up earlier?
Pete does because he has to for work, but I hear that this baby will change things a bit.

But if you must know, we're both morning people. Don't hate.


Where was your first date?
We agreed to meet at the Nob Hill Tavern on California St., near where I used to live. From there, we wandered down to the Crepe House on Polk for a bite to eat, then walked around some more, chatting. We dropped into The Bell Tower (where we had our first kiss), then back up to a dive bar that used to be called Hanuma Bay (it's changed owners and names twice since then), and ultimately to my apartment.

Despite what it might sound like, I barely drank at all that night. Pete left before dawn, though barely. And we saw each other again the next day.


Who is more jealous?
After four years and much empirical data, I would say that neither of us is the jealous type. At least, not of/about each other. Of other people? And their stupid blogging/writing/comedic success? We're both on the same page, there.


How long did it take to get serious?
The fact that Pete was married-and-separated (3,000 miles separated, mind you) when we met posed certain obstacles to our being too serious. My relationship with him was something totally outside of his relationship with his wife -- totally outside his relatioship with everyone and everything in his "regular" life, actually -- and never the twain shall have met. Or something like that.

We had fun and were good for each other and that was it for a long, long time. Six months after we started dating, he decided to go ahead with a divorce. The divorce wasn't final until a year-and-a-half after that. All the while, he kept me at arm's length.

For example, Pete was good and kind and supportive enough to travel back east with me for my father's funeral. (We'd been dating for under two years at that time.) That seems like something someone in a serious relationship would do, right? But then after the funeral, I flew back to San Francisco alone, while he went to visit his not-yet-ex wife.

Ouch. But also, totally understandable.

I guess in the end I would say that we were always a little serious; otherwise, what would have been the point? Why would I have bothered? Why would he? But it wasn't until we moved in together that we were officially "serious," and I don't think my full-on, THIS IS IT kicked in until he proposed.


Who eats more?
Pete.


Who does the laundry?
We both do, but this is new. Until we lived here, Pete did all the laundry. Now I do it, unless I'm 8+ months pregnant, in which case I do one load and then it's three days later and Pete decides he may as well just finish it.


Who's better with the computer?
I'm pretty sure that I know more about computers and the Internet than Pete does. I certainly have been playing around with them longer and in more ways than he has.

That said, I think there are many men about Pete's age (who don't work in the tech industry), who learned a lot more than they'd care to admit by having an interest in online porn.


Who drives when you are together?
Pete does. For a long time this was because he had a car and I didn't. Once we both had cars, it was because if we were going somewhere together, and it was somewhere social, he'd be willing to be the designated driver a lot more readily than I was.

Now that it's easy for either of us to drive, usually he does. This is because he often confuses my not knowing where things are with an inability to drive. I can drive, I just don't know how to get there! He likes to remind me to do things like "signal" and "get in the left lane if you're going to turn left." And then I have to reply, with as much indignity as I can muster, "I KNOW HOW TO FUCKING SIGNAL. WAIT, WE'RE GOING LEFT???"


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36 comments:

  1. We went on our honeymoon in Napa and ate at Taylor's like three times. It was so good... and then when we came home we saw it on Diners, Drive-ins and Dives on the food network and I was all "I should have tried that! and that!" I am jealous you can eat there anytime :)

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  2. La, la, la, la, laaaaaaa.......





    I check in at least three times a day for baby-girl updates.

    Anything happening, yet????

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  3. sorry, but that was your most boring post ever!

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  4. Anon: Sorry, but that was the most boring response ever!

    I hate people.

    :)

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  5. Anonymous's comment was rather boring too, but um, moving along. I'm going on my honeymoon in Napa (actually we Twittered about it once & you invited us over for a glass of wine, but don't worry I won't hold you to it...unless I can pinch some sweet baby girl cheeks!) and Ad Hoc AND Taylor's are on our list for dinner- so I'm very happy to hear you like them!!

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  6. I really ENJOYED this post. Did it garner as much of an emotional response as some of your others? Well, since I didn't choke on my water while laughing or find myself blotting tears, then no. But having followed your journey through the past few years, it was nice to read about how HAPPY you are, how content. I like seeing how things have come together for you two. This post was like a satisfied sigh, quiet but enjoyable.

    Although I gotta admit...I can't wait to read about the new addition to your family!

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  7. No labor yet. No signs of labor yet. I'm getting ready to sit in a warm bath sucking on jalepeno peppers for the remainder of the day...

    Daisy - I'm glad you're coming to Napa for the honeymoon and happy to provide more specific winery reco's if you're interested. And I'm always serious about having a glass of wine together (depending on when this baby comes and all that...) DM or email me!

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  8. Rhoni - Thank you. I TOTALLY understand that these types of posts aren't usually fodder for lots of comments. I know better! But it's the kind of post I really like reading on other people's blogs and FB pages. So, I dunno. I guess I take hearing that I'm boring pretty personally.

    Blame it on the hormones.

    But again, thank you for your thoughts.

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  9. Kristy,
    After reading your posts, I feel like I know you and we could be friends. (I not only totally get, but totally have your breezy elegance.) And I am happy for you and Ish being settled and content. I too am happily married, no kids yet, I think that the happy, content, day to dayness with your spouse is very special...like winning a lottery. But that's just me. Wishing you a healthy baby girl and speedy labor.

    Margie

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  10. These kinds of posts I enjoy most - just random facts about your everyday life. I subconsciously make assumptions about peoples lives & habits when I read their blogs, especially if it's someone I have never met but read pretty regularly. These kinds of posts are fun in that regard as I am reminded that I do this & either proven wrong or right.

    The baby will come soon..I am thinking of you.

    xo
    dahli

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  11. I think this post is sweet and lovely and shows how much you and Ish care for each other. Which is more important than ever now that you're about (really, any minute now!) to bring a beautiful new life into your family.

    And really, isn't there something so important about finding beauty in the mundane everyday-ness of things.

    Not boring at all! Beautiful!

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  12. Anon is insane. I devoured this post. Thinking of you often, Kristy. Too often, if how frequently I stop working to check for labor updates is any indication.

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  13. Kristy - I have no children yet, although my husband and I just started trying... I've read that sex and stairs can speed things along... too bad you didn't live in SF anymore I'd invite you on a walk of the Lyon Street Stairs!! :) Here's hoping the baby makes a move this week.

    Long time Reader
    JL

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  14. I read your blog all the time (I suck at commenting, but I DO read) and you're always interesting,this post included.

    I sympathize with the baby-wait mode. Both of my kids took so long I thought I was going to be pregnant forever. :)

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  15. Kristy, I think it must be the hormones. Who the hell cares that someone said this post was boring. Let me assure you they are just jealous. (I know because I may or may not be a little jealous too.)

    I found it very touching remembering your trip to Paris with Ish and your marriage and now this baby that is surely going to come soon!

    And I don't usually comment on these type threads because there is not much to say other than, "You sure are lucky". And even that doesn't sound right.

    Ignore the anon person and go suck on a jalepeno! I don't know how much more your IIFs can take of the waiting!

    'nilla(623)

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  16. HA - I am not jealous of anyone, I know better. Just to clarify - I said I thought the post was boring, not Kristy.
    Can't anyone have an opinion different from yours Amy?

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  17. I personally love this type of post because you can really learn so much about a person. And I know from experience that waiting for a baby to come allows for all sorts of time to do these types of posts! Hope the baby comes soon. If not, you can always come to the East Bay for a Skipolini's preggo pizza. Didn't work for me, but it's worth a shot, right?!

    Anonymous, I must say that it is fine for you to have your own opinion, but why be anonymous? And also, my mother always taught me that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. It really wasn't necessary to leave that comment.

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  18. Kristy - you're my hero! You have such great perspective on what is important (your relationship with your husband and how that plays out in your writing) and what isn't (the snarky opinions of others that are better left unsaid because the personal stories really are the best, boreing or not).

    However, I hope you're too busy having your baby to read this comment.

    Good luck!

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  19. OMFG - I was not trying to be snarky! Calling something boring is not tantamount to an all out assault - get a grip people.

    K - maybe if you had the baby already, we'd all just get along reading baby posts ;)

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  20. I love these sorts of blog posts. I didn't know a lot of this information about your relationship!

    Still waiting for baby....

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  21. Just weighing in...I loved this post too - I learned a lot about your life that I didn't know from reading you over the past several months. :) Plus, it's NICE to read when other people are happy!

    PS - I still can't wait for the baby-is-here update!!

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  22. Okay. Yes, I'm being hormonal. I'll get over it, I'm not wounded, but I'm not going to read that comment and be happy about it.

    Of course, my blog is public and my comments are open, so you may say what you wish. But unless you offer constructive feedback, opinions such as "this is boring" just come across as mean. Like, why did you even bother?

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  23. MORE IMPORTANTLY - no. No update. No anything.

    My next Dr's apt. is tomorrow morning, and hopefully then I'll at least have some information.

    Thanks for following along!

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  24. I follow along and don't comment much (ever? can't remember). I have 4 kids and my youngest had the nerve to be a week late. But having said that, I don't think I ever had anything happen to signal labor was imminent until it just plain started. Not very helpful, am I? ;)

    Good luck and hopefully it will start soon.

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  25. My mother was scrubbing the walls in my nursery when she went into labor. Maybe try that? That's all I've got. And maybe some labor-inducing advice from Friends.

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  26. I am *thrilled* to see this kind of post! You are happy, you are in a wonderful marriage and that's worth celebrating! As someone who, like you, has found happiness after marital disaster, I couldn't be happier for you. Hope you post "boring" posts more often! ;-) I love hearing about other great marriages. Media and "news" shows give us more than enough of the negative.

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  27. Kristy - I love this post. I thought it was interesting. I'm sorry that some other comments made you feel bad.

    Onto other news, I'm so excited for you. What an interesting ride you are on. Can't wait to see what is around the next corner.

    Cheers!

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  28. a june baby seems possible!!!!

    'nilla623 is glued to twitter.

    okay so basically she just ate a burrito, but um, yeah.

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  29. Hi Kristy --

    I really enjoy reading about all aspects of your life - "boring" or not - I find it ALL interesting, because I consider you my long lost internet sister, there are so many parallels and similarities in our lives (the divorce story; the "breezy elegance" [ though I just called it being accident prone LOL ]; my second husband is also named Peter lol) but also differences, like with most siblings ;) (I ran away to England instead of San Francisco... lol ) and, you are far more eloquent and amusing than I am. :)

    I am eagerly awaiting the news of the upcoming addition to your family and hope that you and Ish are doing well!!

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  30. I love, loved, loved this post. I feel like I've had the same conversation with multiple people over the past couple of weeks that basically consists of them asking my how married life is going and me replying that its great. Its not great in any sort of big, fantastic flashy way but its just great. Like comfortable and easy and home-y great. I feel like your post totally gets that! I'm happy for you and Pete - and for baby as soon as she arrives!!

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  31. Cute! I like hearing about other people's relationships and how they came about. Being married for 9 years does that to a person, I guess. :-)

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  32. I actually love these sorts of posts. Hard to comment without sounding like a creepy stalker chick, but it's fun to peek on the marriages of others.

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  33. Is that the same Taylor's that's in the Ferry Building?

    A friend first directed me to your blog when you posted your divorce saga, and I read it at work, laughing and crying at my desk for hours. That was over two years ago. I cried for you when you wrote the first Paris blog entry, and then again when you were going there.

    It is wonderful to read that someone I've been rooting for, for over two years, is so happy and settled in a relationship with what seems like a great guy.

    P.S. My word verification is "borednes" - oh, the irony.

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  34. Well, whatever Anonymous says, I found that entertaining and well written. I guess that makes me the most boring reader ever.

    Whatevs. Keep it up. You can't please everyone, right ? And who says you're even trying. You're smarter than that.

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  35. I'm trying this for a third time with fingers crossed. My screen keeps freezing....

    I loved this post as well, but I didn't actually go back and READ it from start to finish until AFTER I commented about "anything happening yet?" when I saw that there was no bebee announcement. Didn't mean to sound flip. Hope you're well and maybe in Fourth of July labor.

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