Tuesday, May 01, 2007

I Knit Therefore I Am Lie.

Whew. Just writing the word "knit" feels a bit foreign, like I'm some big imposter. Like the online knitting mafia, the ones who probably kicked me and my blog out of its cool knitting rings MONTHS ago are squinting at their monitors right now, wondering if I have actually dared to discuss the topic again.

For those of you who may not remember (or um, have ever noticed, right, whatever) I used to write about knitting, because I took it up right at about the same time I started blogging. And I joined a few blogrings related to knitting (that's what those buttons are down there). And then some time after that, I got WARNING EMAILS in my inbox. Saying that I wasn't fulfilling my knitting blogging quota and may be removed from the webrings.

And I thought, "Wow. Knitting bloggers are more on top of my internet activity than the FBI*. That's kind of amazing."

But then I started thinking that maybe there is something akin to an online knitting mafia. You know?

And I picture them running this huuuuge closed-door operation, that seems all chunky and warm and woolen on the outside, but is actually quite brutal on the inside. The kinds of people who don't take "Well, I was GOING to start knitting again," for an answer.

Now, like those scenes in (I think it was) the movie Casino, where the bosses are all watching the security monitors as they record the goings-on on the casino floor, I picture the Knitting Mafia watching their computer screens. And they see a blip.

What the fuck** is SHE doing writing about yarn? They wonder.

And next thing you know, I'll go to my doorstep only to find my best pair of knitting needles wrapped in newspaper with a dead fish.

All of this is, of course, to say that I would like to start knitting again, and was just...um...you know...waiting for the right project to come along. Which you may think you've heard before (you have), except then I saw it! A project I want to do!

Turns out, you can knit a rag rug...out of old t-shirts!

This is fascinating and awesome for many reasons.

First of all, a rug is kind of like furniture. (It's more like furniture than a scarf, anyway.) And this means I will make it and it will have an immediate USE. It will go on the floor on purpose! Whereas I don't really need another scarf, because I have approximately 42 of them, and mostly that means they are folded up in my closet. (And when they do occassionally end up on my floor, they're not supposed to stay there.)

Also, if you're wondering why I don't knit something other than a scarf, like say a hat or a sweater I remind you of the following:
1. Hats require more of The Math than I am capable of performing, and even my most fabulous hat attempts end up janky.
Figure A: The Condom Hat



Figure B: The Sort Of Star-Shaped Hat That Is Very Lopsided


I cannot be expected to remember which number of stitch I'm on, or how many I must reduce by. The last hat I started was in November. Of 2006. And was for my baby nephew. Who is almost two now. I got so intimidated by the whole "reducing" thing that I just stopped. It's still on the needles.

2. A sweater? I can't knit a hat.


So and finally! The reason a rug made out of t-shirts is awesome is because I have about a hundred million t-shirts that I cannot wear because of the boob stain. Because sooner or later, EVERY shirt I own will have the boob stain. And I think "boob stain" is pretty gosh darn self explanatory, but in case you want me to spell it out because I have not otherwise completely humiliated myself in this entry, pretty much every meal I consume involves one bite that does not entirely make it to my mouth. And if I had normal sized breasts, probably this wouldn't be an issue. But because my rack sticks out to, like, HERE, the bite dribbles right down my front.

I am not the handiest at stain removal.

Instead, I just continue to buy cheap t-shirts, knowing that they have a very brief shelf (har, har) life.

When the shirts become too stained to wear in good company, but not so stained that they're throw-out-able, they then become "gym shirts." This amuses me because I currently have more gym shirts that I had gym visits in all of 2007. I'm just saying.

BUT NOW that I know I can turn these "gym shirts" into FURNITURE, I am elated. And quite possibly it will happen! (Knitting Mafia, are you listening?) Because you know? A rag rug is pretty much like a fatter, shorter scarf with a lot of personality.

Analogy
Rag rug is to scarf what I am to Elle McPherson

And I think I can do it. As long as I don't maim myself trying to cut these "strips" things.

In case you're also interested -- the How-To of t-shirt knitted rag rug is on Jessica's blog. (I do not know Jessica, but anyone who comes up with this project is a-okay in my book!)




*I do not know why the FBI would give a penguin's patoot about what I do online, but you know what I mean.

**It's the mafia. One may use the "f" word.

9 comments:

  1. 1. YES! So many gym shirts with the boob stain. They overflow my drawers and yet I can't bear to throw them away. STUPID boobs. I've actually considered wearing a bib while eating. And, actually, I eat in my car SO often that I keep an old towel in the back seat which I drap over myself while eating in the hopes of sparing a shirt or two.
    2. Your analogy? I heart it. :)

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  2. ::laughing:: yeah, I was afraid of that knitting mafia too! And I post about the shirts before.. and yeah, the rug IS cool.. I even thought about making one for about 30 seconds... and then sanity (what little i have left) returned... cuz did you look at the instructions and realize how many freakin' shirts you have to cut.. and how many freakin' STRIPS you'll have to cut your shirts into first..

    ::laughing:: So maybe I'll just sip a cocktail and watch YOU go for it instead...

    Good luck to ya though ::still laughing::

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  3. Those stain shirts become my Sleeping Shirts, which are interchangable with my Yoga Shirts.

    There is a knitting group that does undercover knitting. They knit things and put them out in public when nobody's looking. Like one day you're driving to work, come to a red light, and realize the traffic light is wearing a sweater. If I knit (knitted? knat?) that's the kind of knitting I'd do.

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  4. It's Knitta Please. http://www.knittaplease.com/About/index.html

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  5. OMG I so understand the boob stain! I'm also a champ at dropping food in my cleavage, which is a totally sexy thing to fish out. "What's this? A noodle in my bra? Awesome! I bet everyone around thinks I'm totally hot right now!"

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  6. "What's this? A noodle in my bra? Awesome! I bet everyone around thinks I'm totally hot right now!"

    Actually, when I drop stuff down my top, which happens fairly frequently, because I'm rather large and easily distracted from the mechanics of eating (IN the mouth, Carolyn, yes, the food goes IN the mouth), my husband thinks it's sexy.

    I married wisely.

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  7. Carolyn - I read that and then turned to my husband and asked, "Do you think it's sexy when I drop food down my shirt and have to pull it out?" He stared at me, snorted, and said, "Sure." LOL

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  8. should i feel bad that my dq peanut buster parfait totally dripped right onto my chest while i was reading the previous post? thankfully this tank top is slutty enough, i mean cut just right, so i splattered the ice cream right on the boobs. if i weren't reading this at work (shhhh) i would have asked the man to lick it off, pretending i meant to do that, but alas i only needed a quick wipe of a napkin.

    i have so many "horseback riding" or "wash the car" or "work in the yard" shirts that they are threatening to take over my dresser. sometimes i think i have a hole in my lip. glad to know i am not alone.

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  9. The knitting mafia DOES exist! Ha!

    Boob stains, hee...

    Math = I can't do it either. I thought knitting was supposed to be fun?!?

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