Thursday, May 24, 2007

Every Girl's Dream

As I know I've mentioned once or twice or a half-dozen times, my friend Susan is getting married and I'm doing what I can to help her with the planning.

But I don't think I also mentioned that three other members of the Loose Interpretations are also getting married. As is my friend Emily. As is Elisa, one of the BlogHer founders (who also happens to be, you know, my boss). As is my sister, Samantha.

That's seven women I see or speak to regularly who are in the throes of weddingness.

Now.

I love weddings and wedding planning especially, and mostly think all this talk of tents and menus and dresses is actually very fun and exciting. However, being on the outside allows me to see (or rather, reminds me) of just how huuuuuge the wedding industry really is.

I accompanied Susan to a gorgeous wedding fair at the Four Seasons Hotel where we happily drank champagne and tasted chocolates and met potential vendors. Unfortunately, we also made the catastrophic mistake of "signing in" upon arrival. By which I mean adding my name and home and email address to a list. Doing this wasn't really voluntary (it was part of the package), but I considered giving a non-real email address. Except then I thought that maybe being in touch with a few vendors would be a good idea if, say, I ever wanted to officially get into wedding planning.

Since that weekend, oh, I dunno, FOUR FRIGGIN MONTHS AGO, I have gotten at least one -- usually three to five -- emails from wedding vendors EVERY DAY.

And they all basically read the same, with some slight variations: Everyone is very much looking forward to MY SPECIAL DAY. My day is going to be special. My day would be even special-er if I decided to go with florist x or DJ y, of course, but everything about my day is about me, and my day, and my specialness. And not forgetting how special it will be.

Over and over I am emailed about how I must cherish my special day. Except sometimes I'm told to cherish!!!!!! my special!!!!!! day!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, many of these emails like to congratulate me. A LOT. Invisible Internet Vendors really think that my impending foray into non-spinsterhood is the greatest thing they've ever heard of. Apparently, this is the happiest time of my life.

Well, right. Except that I'm not, actually, getting married. I'm not engaged. In fact, the current would-be contender isn't even divorced yet.

So here's what I want to know: Where are the emails congratulating THAT? When's THAT industry gonna take off, hmm? Where are all the cries for CHERISHINGNESS now?

Because seriously. I would totally throw money at any vendor who'd send me something like the following email:

Congratulations on your boyfriend's upcoming divorce!

We know how you've been dreaming of this day, ever since you were a young girl of 30. Now, your dreams are coming true...

Since the night he uttered those magic words, "The paperwork has been drawn up," your life hasn't been the same. And we want to help ensure that your first step on this new, tenuous and slightly embittered journey together is a memorable one.

Remember, your boyfriend's divorce is all about you. Such an occasion only happens once, maybe twice, in a lifetime, and you should be sure to secretly enjoy every second of it. That's where we come in.

Our seasoned experts will guide you through the many steps of the Divorce Day planning process, including:
  • Hosting a celebration that doesn't also reek of desperation!

  • What to wear for the Big Day. It can be challenging to find the right ensemble, the one that says "I'm here for you in a concerned and yet completely non-threatening kind of way, no really, I hadn't even considered re-marriage, I swear, perhaps we should have more sex." Accessories are key.

  • Finding the right music. It's important to strike the right balance between "celebratory" and "inappropriately happy."

  • Vendor selection. Many girlfriends-of-single-men-to-be make the mistake of ordering flowers, balloons, caterers, and more. In our experience, the best celebrations are intimate, and involve nothing more a few close friends and an Animal House-based DVD marathon, hot dogs and copious amounts of vodka. For the more adventuous spirits, we may also recommend an endless loop of Sinatra's greatest hits, prescription-strength fatties, and/or naked hot-tubbing. Whatever your style, we can help you make it happen!


We understand that you are unique, and that your day should be a reflection of who you are as a person, a girlfriend, and a woman of fairly loose morals.

Contact us today, and let one of our premier consultants show you how your boyfriend's divorce can be something you'll cherish for a lifetime.


14 comments:

  1. This is hilariously awesome. Spectacular job. Looking forward to hearing about your 'special day'! :)

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  2. I am totally going into business....

    What's your email address? :)

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  3. Dude. UNSUBSCRIBE.

    Perhaps I am just inapropriatly angered by junk mail, but that would drive me batshit.

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  4. That was HYSTERICAL...and congratulations on your special day!

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  5. Ericha2@yahoo.com1:07 PM, May 24, 2007

    I got engaged last May and like a fool I signed up for theknot.com, otherwise known as the 10th circle of hell.

    At the time I was thinking that my wedding might be this coming September. That has changed to a date in the future that we're not completely decided about because we have to pay for everything ourselves and we don't want to piss off any of our family members because you know your special day is actually nothing about you but about how much the families will enjoy the festivities and dammit, why haven't we just eloped already?

    Anyway, point is...I get a least 5 emails a day from theknot.com and it's plethora of vendors and it's getting to the point where theknot is truly concerned by my lack of planning for a wedding that it believes is taking place in just over 3 months. I'm starting to feel guilty for not sending invitations and hiring florists and photographers. Maybe I should do a dry run in September just to get theknot off my back...or maybe I should just unsubscribe, but what would be the fun in that?

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  6. Heee, the Byfriend Divorce People would have had me as a customer, had my boyfriend not gone back to his ex wife...after he made a baby with me. Yay! Life is FUN!

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  7. Most awesome! Perhaps I can join the company. I'll be in charge of "When you boyfriend finally gets up the nerve to introduce you to his family (after you've been living together for 2 years)" division. :)

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  8. You got all these weddings coming up and not one of them has contacted me about a band? Harumph!

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  9. that's the funniest damn thing i've read in a long time.

    new site design is nice, too!

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  10. Hehe!

    I made the fatal theknot.com mistake too. I've decided there is no entity in the wedding industry more evil than David's Bridal.

    Love the post, I think you need to start a new business.

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  11. lol .. i'm getting married this october. i totally agree that david's bridal is the most evil of them all.
    quoted from their privacy policy:

    "David's Bridal may choose to sell, trade or rent your personally identifiable information to third parties providing offers that we believe would be attractive to our customers"

    of course i didn't read their "privacy" policy before i went to try on dresses and i was stupid enough to give them my cell phone number when i made the appointment.

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  12. I've read a few articles about women throwing parties for themselves (registering and everything) when they know they're not getting married.

    If I were into kitchen appliances, I'd TOTALLY be on board with the registering for spinsterhood.

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  13. I know i'm late with this comment, but i am right next to you in that boat and it is not fun. And that loose-morals thing is kind of a drag with the family.

    But it'll happen! Soon! Someday?
    Ugh, i don't know, but my boyfriend's divorce has been going on for 3 years now. YAY.

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  14. HA!!! Love it!!! Loooooooooove it!

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