So in the same vein, I think I should start here by saying that my being married -- for the second time, no less -- makes me a relationship expert the way I am also a car.
This is a picture of a professional back shaver, which will start to make sense in about three paragraphs. Maybe.
Men have hairy backs.
Maybe some men don't. Maybe your boyfriend/husband/partner doesn't. That's fine, you can go live in your smooth-backed world and come back for my next blog post. But the rest of us sitting here are now thinking about men and their hairy backs and wondering what on earth I'm getting at.
I'm getting at this: there comes a point in every relationship where the man's hairy back has to be acknowledged. Maybe that happens early in the relationship because the hair is copious. (See: Harry in Sex and the City.) But maybe, well. Let's just say that the back hair isn't so prominent that it requires a conversation in the first few months of dating.
Let's just say that the back hair exists in a bizarre, fine, patchwork pattern that leaves me to question whether Evolution got seriously drunk and confused and forgot what it was doing.
So but okay. Fine, patchwork back hair is not a first-few-months-of-dating kind of conversation. But it is a conversation.
It doesn't matter who brings it up. Maybe it's you. Maybe it's him. Maybe it's your friend at the beach who's like, "Dude. What's up with your back hair." The point is, the conversation starts and the only conclusion that needs to be drawn is that back waxing is too silly and expensive and the best solution is that you -- yes, you, girlfriend/wife/partner -- should be the back shaver.
And here is the crux: If you are not yet married, not yet engaged, and you embark on the Shaving Of The Back, he will have to marry you. He won't know why. There's not an immediate 1:1 relationship. But once you have shorn the shoulderblades, there's no going back. The ring is inevitable.
Now. Just when you thought this post couldn't get any better (because that's totally what you were thinking, right?), have I got a surprise for YOU.
I'm giving away not one but TWO -- 2! -- MANGROOMER brand Professional Back Shavers. They retail for about $50 and will guarantee* you an engagement ring. Of course, if you're already married, you could probably use one of these suckers, too, because did you see? It's called a Professional Back Shaver.
Let me write that again so you can take it in:
Professional. Back. Shaver.
Did you know such a thing even existed? Am I not full of enlightening concepts today?
But for reals. It's like the Cadillac of back shavers and is fancy and cool-looking and is actually called the "Do It Yourself Back Shaver" so if your man wanted to, he could totally do it by himself and cut you out of the equation, but that's only a benefit if you've already got a ring. For the purposes of this post, therefore, we're downplaying the "do it yourself" aspects of the Professional Back Shaver.
Still, if you're married and totally over having to shave your husband's stupid back, you should enter this contest.
Single ladies: ignore that last statement.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *Bottom Line:
I was offered the opportunity to review and giveaway a Mangroomer Professional Back Shaver, but I said, "No, that's okay. I don't need to review it. We already HAVE ONE** and I know it works. But I would be happy to give TWO away instead." And now here we are.
So please leave a comment and I will pick two winners at random by 9 a.m. on Wednesday, June 16. You will then get your Mangroomers in time for Father's Day. Which is pretty effing awesome on so, so many levels.
Also? I 100% decided that I would do this giveaway because the pitch I received was personal and well written despite that it had to include the phrase "for the dad who has everything...including back hair!" in the first paragraph.
Props where they're do, folks.
Oh, and doubly awesome? You are eligible EVEN IF YOU'RE CANADIAN! Yep! We know how hairy Canadians can be, so the contest is open to those in the US, Canada, and New Zealand. (Don't even get me started on hairy Kiwis.)
P. S. You absolutely have to go visit the Mangroomer website because it's all futuristic and makes cool Terminator sounds when you click on the products as if you're looking at weaponry and not hairy man shavers. ENJOY!
*I'm sorry, Mangroomer PR Department. I realize that this is not part of your official product description and that I shouldn't be making Mangroomer guarantees based on relationship advice when I'm just a car, but I think I'm totally right.