Saturday, June 12, 2010

How To Get Him To Marry You (Hint: It Has To Do With Shaving His Back) Also? A Giveaway!

I just saw a quote on Facebook (because where else would I go for inspirational thoughts?) that said "Going to church makes you a good Christian the way standing in a garage makes you a car." And I was all, "Wow, that's deep."

So in the same vein, I think I should start here by saying that my being married -- for the second time, no less -- makes me a relationship expert the way I am also a car.

This is a picture of a professional back shaver, which will start to make sense in about three paragraphs. Maybe.


Men have hairy backs.

Maybe some men don't. Maybe your boyfriend/husband/partner doesn't. That's fine, you can go live in your smooth-backed world and come back for my next blog post. But the rest of us sitting here are now thinking about men and their hairy backs and wondering what on earth I'm getting at.

I'm getting at this: there comes a point in every relationship where the man's hairy back has to be acknowledged. Maybe that happens early in the relationship because the hair is copious. (See: Harry in Sex and the City.) But maybe, well. Let's just say that the back hair isn't so prominent that it requires a conversation in the first few months of dating.

Let's just say that the back hair exists in a bizarre, fine, patchwork pattern that leaves me to question whether Evolution got seriously drunk and confused and forgot what it was doing.

So but okay. Fine, patchwork back hair is not a first-few-months-of-dating kind of conversation. But it is a conversation.

It doesn't matter who brings it up. Maybe it's you. Maybe it's him. Maybe it's your friend at the beach who's like, "Dude. What's up with your back hair."  The point is, the conversation starts and the only conclusion that needs to be drawn is that back waxing is too silly and expensive and the best solution is that you -- yes, you, girlfriend/wife/partner -- should be the back shaver.

And here is the crux: If you are not yet married, not yet engaged, and you embark on the Shaving Of The Back, he will have to marry you. He won't know why. There's not an immediate 1:1 relationship. But once you have shorn the shoulderblades, there's no going back. The ring is inevitable.

You're welcome.

Now. Just when you thought this post couldn't get any better (because that's totally what you were thinking, right?), have I got a surprise for YOU.

I'm giving away not one but TWO -- 2! -- MANGROOMER brand Professional Back Shavers. They retail for about $50 and will guarantee* you an engagement ring. Of course, if you're already married, you could probably use one of these suckers, too, because did you see? It's called a Professional Back Shaver.

Let me write that again so you can take it in:

Professional. Back. Shaver.

Did you know such a thing even existed? Am I not full of enlightening concepts today?

But for reals. It's like the Cadillac of back shavers and is fancy and cool-looking and is actually called the "Do It Yourself Back Shaver" so if your man wanted to, he could totally do it by himself and cut you out of the equation, but that's only a benefit if you've already got a ring. For the purposes of this post, therefore, we're downplaying the "do it yourself" aspects of the Professional Back Shaver.

Still, if you're married and totally over having to shave your husband's stupid back, you should enter this contest.

Single ladies: ignore that last statement.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Bottom Line:
I was offered the opportunity to review and giveaway a Mangroomer Professional Back Shaver, but I said, "No, that's okay. I don't need to review it. We already HAVE ONE** and I know it works. But I would be happy to give TWO away instead." And now here we are.

So please leave a comment and I will pick two winners at random by 9 a.m. on Wednesday, June 16.  You will then get your Mangroomers in time for Father's Day. Which is pretty effing awesome on so, so many levels.

Also? I 100% decided that I would do this giveaway because the pitch I received was personal and well written despite that it had to include the phrase "for the dad who has everything...including back hair!" in the first paragraph.

Props where they're do, folks.

Oh, and doubly awesome? You are eligible EVEN IF YOU'RE CANADIAN! Yep! We know how hairy Canadians can be, so the contest is open to those in the US, Canada, and New Zealand. (Don't even get me started on hairy Kiwis.)


P. S. You absolutely have to go visit the Mangroomer website because it's all futuristic and makes cool Terminator sounds when you click on the products as if you're looking at weaponry and not hairy man shavers. ENJOY!



*I'm sorry, Mangroomer PR Department. I realize that this is not part of your official product description and that I shouldn't be making Mangroomer guarantees based on relationship advice when I'm just a car, but I think I'm totally right.

**True story.

55 comments:

  1. Wow! I am first to leave a comment? tee hee.

    I live in Pensacola and my boyfriend may need to use one.

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  2. I've been giving my boyfriend his "Summer cut" for three years now, and this would be a very welcome change. Currently the process involves him standing on the back porch in his underpants with me attacking him with the dog clippers.

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  3. Wow, I feel so special ... have a smooth-backed man with the most incredible skin, no shaving/clipping/de-hairing needed. And here I was just taking it for granted, not thanking my lucky stars.

    And since I have no need at all for a man-groomer, I will probably win one. You know, I would take wine instead. Just sayin'.

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  4. Holy crap dude, do I ever need this. I mean *I* don't need it, but I know somebody who could use one...who lives in my house. And is not me.

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  5. I need this! Not for my dad, or my (nonexistent) boyfriend, but for my brother! I have shaved his back and shoulder for him on several occasions and man, wouldn't it be nice if he could do it for himself...

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  6. Dude, totally need this - memememepickme!

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  7. I would love, love, love to give this to my husband for a Father's Day present! Even the kids comment on the weird pattern of the back hair!

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  8. HA! I live with a pale skinned, hairy bald man myself, so if I win, this would get a lot of use!! And if it gets me a marriage proposal, I'm inviting you and Ish to my wedding!

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  9. I live in Philadelphia and my husband has not gone to the beach without a shirt on in a long time. I think he hopes most people blame it on the weight, and while we can say that he (and I) have "more to love," the real reason is the back hair.

    If only he were gay, he'd be the hottest bear around.

    I've said too much. I'll just say, yes please, I would like to enter this contest.

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  10. My boyfriend has an amazing amount of hair all over. It's like dating a sasquatch. Or maybe a rug. Wheeee!

    I have a ring. Sort of. But I'd like a better one. With an actual diamond on it. Totally a reason to win this! :p

    lifebloom at gmail dot com

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  11. I have to enter just for the novelty of saying I have one. 'Cause I gotta admit I am not about to try shaving my back all by my lonesome.

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  12. He is hirsuite, he calls it his built in sweater, that's how much hair there is. I grew up with two fairly hairless men, my Dad and Bro. This is a whole new world. I would love to help him cool off this summer and possibly get the ring. You are so invited if that happens. It will be a helluva a time, if the time ever comes.

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  13. funky! thanks for the contest opportunity.

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  14. Um, yeah. Been shaving his back longer than we've been married, and yes ma'am, I would like to try this professional apparatus! Does it make the process more efficient? Really?

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  15. The only chance I get at my husband's back is while we are swimming in the pool and I can grab a few at a time as I'm swimming by.

    Please. Even if I don't win I'm going to buy this gd shaver. I'm tired of his back.. And his hair epaulets. *sigh*

    I'm glad I love him.

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  16. I had to stand out on the balcony of our apt prior to our St. Thomas honeymoon and help my hubby shave his back. Ditto on the deck of our home the following year prior to a trip to CA. So, yes please is all I'm saying.

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  17. I'm curious to see what will happen if I win...

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  18. OMG, I can't stop laughing. And we SO need one of these for my husband. The sideburn trimmers I normally use on his back take for freaking ever!

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  19. I didn't even know that this existed! And it is SO necessary. I've been making the waxing request, but he is resistant. A chore-specific product, though - that would be perfect.

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  20. I would love this so that my husband could take over the care and maintenance of his own back instead of me having to groom him like a monkey.

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  21. I already have a Mangroomer, too. Because... well, you know who I'm married to.

    PS Thank you for including Canadians. They are so often ignored.

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  22. Is it wrong that I would love to win this so that I may test if your theory that it will get me married is true? Well, I do and I'll totally report back if your claims are valid.

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  23. We've had that conversation, but haven't yet done a thing about it!
    I am so glad this exists...

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  24. I may have compared my husband to Alf at some point in the past because he is both orange and furry (well, the fur is orange anyway). I think I may be able to convince him to start shaving if 1) the shaving device is awesome and FREE and 2) I tell him it will make his new kick ass back tattoo look better.

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  25. Oh, my husband's back. Yikes. I used another personal groomer on him last year, but it didn't...umm...cut it. I'm very curious about this product.

    Lou

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  26. Can you use this on a dog? If so, count me in. My basset hound sheds like nobody's business. And the extender arm will make it possible for me to get to her whole body without ever leaving the comfort of my hammock. And most importantly it reduces the chance of drink spillage. Amen.

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  27. delurking to say that I could be so. into. this. product. let's just say that someone in my life is having a bit of a grooming crisis. if, on the odd chance I win, I'll gladly send you my email address.

    m_c_g

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  28. Hmm. I think that this product could have saved my marriage. Makes me glad I never heard of a professional man groomer til now! But...I think that in my very near future (fingers crossed) I might be needing such a tool.

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  29. the better half of the niz10:35 PM, June 13, 2010

    Boys have hair in the weirdest places. I'm married and man oh man if that hair would just take care of itself. But it doesn't. Please, oh please help me make that hair go away.

    And seriously. The toenails. He can reach those. And they have these things called toenail clippers. You would think there is actually serious pain involved in this by the way he avoids it. Sometimes I wish I married a girl.

    Too bad I'm in love with him. Yes. Count me in. ;)

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  30. Does this mean I don't have to buy the hubby Nair for Men anymore???

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  31. Ugh my husband really does have the fine patchwork, and he is in back hair denial. This would be a lifesaver.

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  32. Oh, I so need this. Especially the do it yourself part since now that we're married with 2 kids, I don't even bother doing the shaving for him anymore. I just ignore it. Is that awful?

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  33. Pick me! Pick me!! Oh, and yes, the man has a harry back, he could totally use this.

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  34. first week of dating involved attempting to wax. Seriously, I need this in my life...

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  35. It was a few weeks after we'd been dating that I saw it. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and called my friend: "Oh. My. God!" I whisper-screamed. "He's hairy. Like REALLY HAIRY and IT'S ON HIS BACK! But not all over and normal, it's more like someone glued random piles of hair all over. IT'S SO BIZARRE! Let me see if I can take a picture and text it to you..." Really. Need. This.

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  36. OH yes, do I ever need this back shaver! Sasquatch is alive and well and living in my house.

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  37. Holy crap...when your man jokes about having "angel wings", yet he is actually referring to the shape and depth of the hair on his back...you know it is time for professional help. Serious. Professional. Help.

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  38. Let me be clear: I am thankful that my husband is blessed with hair in a family tree that tends towards the balding. However...

    No joke, this is the conversation I just had with my husband over the sounds of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2...

    Me: Sweetheart, if I were to win a contest for a back hair shaver/groomer, would you let me use it on you?

    Him: Maybe.

    Me: .oO(YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.)

    That "maybe" is huge. Thank you, video games, for taking the pain out of delicate conversations.

    *crosses fingers*

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  39. Huh, I must be lucky because my 42 yo man doesn't have back hair. Actually, now that I think about it he doesn't have a lot of body hair - even his beard is sparse. Good luck to whomever wins though!

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  40. i do not yet shave my boyfriend....but maybe i should! i'll just keep this for after he has proposed :)

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  41. Heh. She said "hairy Kiwis."

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  42. My almost-18 year old son is going to be a lifeguard this summer and this tool would make it much easier for him socially. (He's going to be up nearish you, Kristy, in Occidental - actually Camp Meeker, and you should get a prize if you know where that is!)

    We will be so excited if we win this Mangroomer. If it works well, I will get one for my husband and either of my other sons...

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  43. I don't have anyone in my life to manshave, but I hope to put this newfound wisdom to work one day!

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  44. OMG, OMG, OMG, pick me, please pick me! I know - it's random. But please, randomly pick me! My husband has the hairiest back ever (back, chest, everything). I am not a fan of body hair at all. I love this man a lot. But OMG I need a mangroomer.

    P.S. Corazon in the first comment, when I lived in Pensacola I dated a guy I affectionately nicknamed Hairy Navy Guy. He was so cute until we went on a beach date. And he asked me to rub suntan lotion on his back. I repeated that story often, until I married a hairy not-Navy guy and the story lost its humor, although maybe gained irony. Anyway, I'm sure your boyfriend is not Hairy Navy guy. Although if he is, he's very cute.

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  45. I think that's why my husband married me too! He's not a hair monster; lucky for me it's a low maintenance job but I have to the neck a small patch between the shoulder blades about once a week. *Kuddo-y-giggles for realizing the shave was the winning move*

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  46. Over the course of our 14 year relationship I have noticed that my partner's hair has migrated from the top of his head all the way down his back. He is now near bald and his head gets cold in our Canadian winters but his back is toasty warm. I cannot express in words how very HAPPY AND GRATEFUL I would be if I won this. Him? Maybe not so much...but me? ECSTATIC!!! I am crossing fingers to win...

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  47. I've been married to a "Wookie" (aka "walking carpet") for the past 24 years....this thing would come in SO handy! Count me in, please! :)

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  48. I found you through Beth and Merideth - and I too am the wife of a hairy-backed man. Maybe you can relate when I say that it's irritating (both literally and figuratively) when I go to use my razor in the shower only to find it dulled by my wonderful but patchwork-fuzzy backed man. Sigh. This would be a great present for him! And me!

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  49. Even if it's not for the man-with-benefits I have now, I'm sure I'll need it for my man of the future -- I do tend to fall for the hairy men.

    Exciting! And awesome.

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  50. ITSILysa@aol.com9:06 AM, June 16, 2010

    Ok I need one, but not for my husband, but my son!!! He comes home from school so I can wax his back. Anything will help

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  51. Yes!!!! I will never forget the conversation where I was designated the back shaver ... and lo and behold an engagement ring came along not too long after.

    Thank you for allowing Canadians to enter too ... it's cold up here in the winter so I think the hairy backs grow extra lush.

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  52. I completely missed the deadline, but in case there's a little wiggle room:

    I shave my husband's back outside because, yes, there is that much hair. And, if he's not paying attention, I sneak a swatch out of his lower back so =he has to let me do it too.

    Because he can't walk around with a square swatch of bare on his lower back.

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  53. Well for now were not yet married but were already engaged and I haven't tried to be his back shaver. Anyways no need to worry because my boyfriend's back is not as hairy as other men. Well I can't wait to know who will gonna win to the cool contest :)

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  54. Very informative and interesting article .

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