Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Warning! Labels!


This bag's warning symbols are at once horrifying and hilarious.
Kind of like when Sarah Palin danced along to Amy Poehler's rap on SNL.
You see it, and you sort of laugh, but then you sort of go, "Oh my GOD."
And then you blog.

(More on this below.)


The really sad thing about my last post is that the blocks from my apartment to Whole Foods and TJ Maxx are all numbered and on a grid.

Versus traveling in the other direction from my apartment, which involves some really tricky stuff. Like, there's a highway underpass where roads go from being on a grid to being in something of a really off-centered and broken clover, with one-way roads becoming two-way roads and two-way roads becoming one-way roads and, MY FAVORITE, one-way roads that just end. So you're driving down the one-way street thinking you're going the most direct way ever, except then all of a sudden it becomes one-way in the OTHER direction, and you have to turn off it and go some totally wrong direction and next thing you know? You're miles from where you intended to be.

I have to navigate this maze anytime I want to go to the nearby shopping center, which is what I was doing yesterday to go to Office Max. Except I maybe got a little confused and ended up driving directly to Office Depot in an entirely different shopping center. Potato, po-depot.

I was on a quest to get an all-in-one printer/scanner, since the one I have is old and clunky, and all its cables are missing. I popped in, looked for about 5 minutes, found a good one for a good price based on all of extensive research (extensive research = "I should get a new printer/scanner!"), and left happy.

Until I got home and spent a good two hours doing the install.

I eventually had to call for help with the install, which I hate doing because 9 times out of 10, the customer service person thinks you're an idiot. (Or maybe that's just me.) The guy I talked to yesterday was professional, but could not completely disguise the contempt in his voice for having to walk another dingbat through an install process. And so with this guy, as with ALL the customer service guys I end up on the phone with, I try to focus on NOT sounding like a dingbat. Because hey -- I DO know what I'm doing, I'm NOT technically disabled, and the customer service guy will soon be realizing that the fault is HIS and NOT MINE and I will be vindicated. Save your contempt for an actual dingbat, buddy.

But of course yesterday, with the snottiest man EVER on the phone, the problem WAS mine. And not a big, thorny, justifiable problem, either. My entire issue was that the USB cord wasn't plugged securely enough into the printer. So my install failed -- TWICE -- because I didn't push the cord in hard enough.

Anyway.

Aside from having the ability to print wirelessly in my own home (which, I will not lie, makes me feel like I live in the future), I now have the ability to scan again. And as I've been saying, I have alllllll kinds of goodies to start sharing with you.

This morning, I decided to grab a box I have full of "random" pictures, to see what would inspire me. I sat down with it, opened the lid, and was utterly confused. These aren't my pictures, I thought. What the -- oh ACK! And GAH! And...ACK!

Of all the decorative shoe-like boxes in the entire world, we happen to have TWO of the exact same ones in this house. One is full of my old photos. The other is full of love letters between Ish and his ex from I don't even know when.

And while this isn't the point of this post at all, I will say this: I think it's sweet that Ish has kept these. In fact, despite an incredibly painful and unpleasant ending, Ish has never been anything but respectful of his relationship with his ex. I appreciate that and think it says a lot about his character.

That doesn't mean that accidentally opening the wrong box filled me with glee. No, it was a little more "throw up in my mouth a little, close the lid, return box whence it came." Bah.

And ALL THIS is to say that I have not scanned anything new yet, but at least owning a (working) printer/scanner is one step closer.

In the meantime, I will show you the most frightening images ever, that came on the plastic bag the printer was wrapped in.

The first one is telling me, I think, not to let my child go crawling around with a plastic bag on its head. Except that's not what I see.

Image A

If your Tylenol Gel Cap suddenly sprouts appendages,
do not try to balance an old-fashioned television set on it!



The second image is probably telling me not to put the bag on my head. But again, how can one be sure?

Image B:

If you are using your giant hand to secure a water bottle
over your head, DO NOT sing opera!



Want to join in the fun?

What would your captions be for these horrifying, hilarious warnings?

20 comments:

  1. Just thought I'd leave a quick comment to say that this and your previous two posts have left my ribs injured from laughing too hard!

    Thank you for sharing, it brightens my day :o)

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  2. about 2 yrs ago upon receiving it in packing materials at the office one day, i cut out and framed image 2!

    still cracks me up!!!

    happy pregnancy! i called it peanut butter brain, because it was like trying to think in a sea of extra chunky when i was pregnant. you are not alone. and you never will be again, so enjoy your bathroom time now... i'm serious.

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  3. Buddy, and I mean this with all due respect - however much that is ;) - you better go ahead and pop that baby out soon because you're losing your dang mind. And for you, chica, that's scary. Like, really really scary. You're the chick who draws diagrams of yourself attempting to use gym equipment and in turn, offends firemen. And that, I don't see as nutty.... actually maybe I'm the one losing my mind.

    Best wishes, congrats and good luck!

    BTW, my new baby name (for the baby I'm not having any time soon, so help me God), is Mae. So, I'm a fan of your Maeby.

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  4. I think the second image is something dirty, and they are advising you to try it, because if you'll notice, the little image is in front of the cross out line. But don't- it's dangerous.
    That said, I sometimes open up image files where I think my images are and find my husband's exes pictures. That isn't fun. And then I get a little pissed off, and then I remember that we've been together a long time and it doesn't matter. (They are all very innocous travel type pictures).

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  5. I could see a lof of gals getting mighty jealous about a box of love letters, but I like you perspective. It is very healthy that he still respects his ex, and a quality we should all be looking for.

    I will also remember not to sing while putting plastic bags over my head!

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  6. these are fun too http://www.safenow.org/

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  7. You must stop writing these; and if will not you must send me diapers because I'm laughing too hard.

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  8. I'm crying from laughing. Mostly because last time my tylenol gel cap sprouted appendages, I really could have used this warning.

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  9. picture one caption:
    Do no balance a futuristic laser gun on a pillow.

    Picture two:
    Once you have finished your bottle of Grey Goose, do not insert your head into the bottle to drink the last few drops

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  10. No captions, but I wish you'd mentioned that damn traffic circle - the one that is a consistent barrier to Best Buy.

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  11. #1. do not use plastic bag in this position.
    #2. please remove bag prior to blowjob.

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  12. I see someone already commented on http://www.safenow.org/ If you haven't looked at it, you gotta - I just about peed my pants laughing the first time I saw it.

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  13. My ex has kept photos of his ex-girlfriends. This past weekend we were flipping through his photo album and I thought Hmmmm You have photos of ex-girlfriends in this book and none of me and I'm your wife........ and then we laughed. I can't rob him of his past, and obviously he thought highly enough of these women to date and remain friendly so you are right - it does show character. I will say I kind of hate some of them are his facebook friends, and only want to be FB friends with me to see all our wedding photos because he only loaded a few...... nosey bitches! LOL

    As for the photos:
    1. One Armed Baby Bandits
    2. Screaming in fright at site of one armed baby bandits LOL

    - JL

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  14. I said "my ex has kept photos" I meant to say my husband LOL awesome Newlywed and I called him my ex. ha

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  15. These images should be on a Please Drink Responsibly sign.

    Image A: Do not drink so much that you're crawling around in your underwear puking on the floor.

    Image B: Do not shave your head like Britney Spears while drunk. When you wake up in the morning and look in the mirror you will be horrified.

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  16. Blame it on the pregnancy brain.

    Oh, and I think it means, "Do not try to kill your child who has not slept more than 2 hours in a row in the last 6 months and only has two volumes, 'Loud' and 'Louder' by suffocating with this plastic bag, because you will leave evidence." (Which explains why I have a cat and not a baby.)

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  17. Oh. LORD. I am so happy you are diagramming and putting in more pix again. Tears are now running down my face, along with the mascara that I have never once taken off the night before. Because I never got over my pregnancy brain.

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  18. I saw theses abouts three years ago!! I liked the one with the baby so much I got it tattooed on!!!!
    glad someone else has seen it!!

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  19. The second image is actually telling you not to put the bag over your head and then seal it with your hand around your throat.

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  20. This is my caption for the one with the baby crawling around with the plastic bag over its head: If your baby finds a piece of toast and gets it stuck on its head, do not let it try to get it of of itself by crawling around, as it could run into something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!

    ReplyDelete