Long before there was "mommyblogging"...
Long before anyone had any idea that the internet would, someday, take it upon itself to immortalize the very worst that pop culture has ever produced...
...a group of women performed something called The Preggo Shuffle Rap.
Even just from the name of the, uh, "song" you should know you're in trouble. Nothing has been called the something "Shuffle" since 1983 when "The Curly Shuffle" came out. And that was really the last Shuffle we needed. I'm not sure American pop culture can sustain the weight of more than one satirical Shuffle. No. I am pretty sure 1983 closed the lid on Shuffles.
Meanwhile, no one has called anything the something "Rap" since, like, ever. (Unless I have scrubbed such a thing from my memory, which is possible, because it would have scarred me otherwise.) And let's be honest: If anything out there is called the something "Rap," it is going to suck the lifeblood right out of you. It will have been conceived and produced and performed by very white people with no rhythm who thought they were doing something "clever."
So! When you ADD the term "Shuffle" to "Rap" to describe a song, you have something of a Bermuda Triangle of pop culture horendousness. Ill-conceived does not begin to describe. You know there will be white, unrhythmic people performing something nearly unwatchable. You know there is going to be choreography. You know there is going to be a "rap." You know there is going to be fail.
And good Lord, we haven't even gotten to the "Preggo" part yet!
It turns out that when you hide a pregnant lady shuffle-rap away, faaaaaaar away in a place time forgot, and then pull it out 20+ years later and put it on YouTube?
I just don't even know where to begin. It's so awful and, I daresay, haunting.
The frizzy perms! The hairspray! The SUNGLASSES! The absence of rhythm! The "in unison" that sooooo isn't! The backwards-ish ballcaps! The LEOTARDS!
The lyrics are so unbelievably bad I don't even want to mention them, but "Number One Bug"?
Look. I KNOW that this was meant to be funny, because obviously the pregnant ladies in work-out gear do not really think that they can or should be rapping. Or shuffling. Or both. (Rapffling?) They know it's ridiculous.
But I don't think they know that it's THAT ridiculous.
Anyway, topping off this hauntingly catastrophic YouTube experience are the comments.
Because somewhere between the standard YouTube-teenaged-boy-misogyny comments and comments about M.I.A. (who linked to the video on her blog), there lie comments that I believe really capture the spirit of The Preggo Shuffle Rap Meets 2009.
Comments like these:
im sorry but this crap freaks me out....its SO WERID....WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS HAHA.
this has got to be from the 80's...people were doing all kinds of stupid shit during that time period.
Omg they rhymed bagel with kegel! Brilliant!
LOL white people!
And my absolute favorite:
(Thanks(?) are due to blogger/commenter LiLu (a self-proclaimed "South-i-fied Masshole") for sending this to me.)