The Golden Globes - A Liveblog Sort Of Except I Will Probably Fall Asleep Before It's Over (Because I'm Pregnant, Not Because I'm Bored) (I Hope)

Let me set the stage here so that your expectations are, shall we say, "managed."

A) It's 7:48 P.M. and on the West Coast, the Golden Globes are about to begin. I don't usually watch these awards because for a lot of reasons. First of all, I love movie stars as much as the next person, but I am not a celebrity gossip kind of gal. Behind-the-scenes Hollywood reporting doesn't interest me much, I don't know why, I probably have a defective gene. (My parents both secretly devoured issues of Entertainment Weekly.)

B) We've eaten dinner. I'm now having dessert, which is some Safeway brand, "light" ice cream cup in pomegranate flavor, packaged complete with a flat wooden "spoon." It sounded good when I saw it in the store, and these days I do not question what my pregnant body thinks it wants. (Well, except when said body insists it wants Burger King; we have to talk the body down from the ledge in such cases.)

C) Also, we went to the pet store today to get Sherlock a more comfortable version of the head-cone the vet gave him. This one is flexible and made of vinyl, and so far he's clawed out of it three times.

I point these things out only because, in order:
A) My "liveblog" comments will be from the perspective of someone who only sort of has any idea what movies these folks were in. And if they are in a sitcom that isn't The Office or Arrested Development from 4 years ago, I may not have any idea who they are at all. So if you're all "I didn't watch the Golden Globes because I don't like any of those people, why shoudl I read your blog post about it?" I say, "I don't know. Because I will be making fun of pretty people who are drunk and on television."

B) Because I've eaten -- pomegranate ice cream and all -- I am now completely exhausted. My apologies, in advance, if I fall asleep before any interesting awards are given.

C) Blogging may take a sudden furry turn if I need to suddenly address Sherlock's collar/cone situation.

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The Golden Globe awards have begun, and I am currently watching them on mute because Ish has an important phone call from work. See how in-depth a Golden Globes reporter I am? I can tell you that JLo's dress must be attached via invisible tape, and Kate Winslet has won a Golden Globe for being a supporting actress in something I can't name and didn't see. I think she's cry-y, but I don't see any tears.

Man, she's talking a lot. Wonder what she's saying.

Oh hey! Ish is off the phone.

Now Sting is on the stage and I am wondering if he dyes his beard. I think yes. This category seems to be about music theme songs from movies. Is it okay if I'm freaked out about Mylie Cyrus being in the same category as Bruce Springsteen? I'd spend more time being disgusted, except it appears that Bruce has won. Phew.

Let me ask you something: Is the whole point of this show that everyone in it and watching it is supposed to be drinking? Becuase if so, I'm -- and by association, you're -- totally screwed.

HEAD explosion! Two people I don't know are introducing "actress" Rumor Willis. Then Rumor waves and smiles on stage, I don't know why. Then the camera flashes to the audience, where Demi and Ashton are waving back at Rumor. Why is this happening?

Tom Wilkinson just won for his supporting role in the TV miniseries John Adams. I totally agree with this, because I happened to watch the whole thing, and DAMN he was an amazing Ben Franklin. What Tom Wilkinson and Ben Franklin have to do with Rumor Willis is totally beyond me.

Um, Tom's speech: FAIL. "I forgot his last name," shouldn't really be part of any of acceptance speech. Oh well.

Wahoo! Laura Dern just won for playing Katherine whatsherface in the HBO movie "Recount." I totally forgot I saw that, too! Apparently the Golden Globes are now going to People Who Were In Movies Kristy Happened To See In 2008. Cool.

Unfortunately, Ish's boss just called back. So we're back to mute and I have to wonder if Laura Dern is saying something politically important. That'd be neat.

[Liveblogging the Golden Globes on mute during a commercial is kind of dull work. Now might be a good time to mention that I'm having a girl. She will not be named Rumor.]

Wow. The next presenter is Don Cheadle and he's looking really grown-up and handsome these days. Did he just gain weight or what? Nice with a shaved head, too. He's introducing the first movie up for a best comedy/best drama award. He seems nervous and his voice is shaking. We see a clip of "Burn After Reading."

Next is Ava Mendez who is very pretty and familiar and I have no idea who she is. What is "The Spirit"? Was that that movie that came out on Christmas? Hmm. Well, whatever, she was in it. She is here to introduce us to a fellow Cuban, who I guess is like the President of the Golden Globes.

Zac Ephron and the Heroes girl are announcing best actors in television dramas. Many of them are handsome, let it be known. Someone named Gabriel Byrne won for something called "In Treatment" and he wasn't there. Basically I have no idea what just happened.

Two men I totally don't know, perhaps from a new Star Trek-related show (?) are announcing the best actresses in TV dramas. Anna Paquin (how do you spell?) has won for Trueblood. (?) Except when they were announcing her name, they kept saying "Anna Paquin Trueblood" so I actually thought that Anna was married to a guy with the last name of Trueblood.

YAY! Ricky Gervais has taken the stage and started shushing the audience. Ooh, and I think he's improvising, randomly saying hello to Kate Winslet. "I told you -- do a Holocaust movie, the awards come, didn't I?" He's totally doing a little comedy bit. Nice. And he's drinking a pint on stage. Man, I love him. Apparently, he's introducing the movie, "Happy-Go-Lucky."

The Jonas Brothers are on stage and I feel very old. I don't really know who they are, and that's not even why I feel old. I feel old because I don't really care who they are. They are announcing the Best Animated Film, and it goes to Wall-E. I was under the impression that no one actually saw Wall-E. But maybe that's not a criterion.

WHERE ARE THE DRUNK PEOPLE?

Johnny Depp takes the stage looking very Deppish. He's presenting Best Actress with absolutely no fanfare. Sally Hawkins wins for Happy-Go-Lucky. She looks a lot like an older version of the youngest girl on Party of Five, whatshername, Lacey Chabert? I heard this movie was cute, but I heard that from the reviewers; again, I don't know anyone who saw it. Um, Sally just put her award down on the stage so she could use both her hands to open her notes. She's kind of a sweet crying emotional wreck. Ha! When she got to acknowledging the other women who were nominated and mentioned Emma Thompson, Emma asked Sally if she was okay. Aww, yeah. Sweet cute mess.

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Jake Gyllenhaaaaal (however you spell it) introduces the clip for: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Have you seen it? The entire idea creeps me the eff out, seriously, and then Dan wrote about it and I am convinced I will never, ever see it.

Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lange come on stage. Ish says the look like they just tumbled out of a closet where they'd been making out. Drew has some interesting Marilyn Monroe hair going on. I think it's kind of cute and awesome, Ish thinks it's pretty ridiculous. Speaking of ridiculous, P. Diddy's an actor? Anyway, we're looking at Best Mini-Series or TV Movie. I vote for John Adams or Recount, based solely on the reasoning that I saw them. And see? John Adams wins.

Demi Moore takes the stage, looking pretty amazing. Wow. Rumor is still on the stage, standing off to the side, for reasons unclear. Oh man. Heath Ledger just won for his role in Dark Knight. The audience is giving a standing ovation. Now they say that, in case Heath won, they put together a little clip of his work. The Dark Knight director said a bunch of very nice things about Heath.

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Tom Brokaw? Huh? OH, right! Frost/Nixon.

Now Colin Ferrell presents. I'm sorry, is he chewing gum? Something called Waltz With Bashir has won for Best Foreign Film. I've never heard of it, but Ish claims it's supposed to be "amazing." I will take his word. Well, his and the Golden Globe peeps.

Now Aaron someone I don't know stands with Maggie Gyllenhaaaallll to announce Best Actress for TV movie or miniseries. Shirley MacLaine looks a little, uh, aged. Laura Linney has won for Ben Franklin. Yay! She looks very sunny in her yellow dress.

Note for all of you not watching: I guess some memo went out that this year, women's dresses are not to have two sleeves.

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Ish is live-tweeting these awards, and he's being way funnier and more succinct than I am. Damn him! Also, I note that "Rumer" is spelled with an "e." I still don't know why she, and her E, are there.

Oops. I got distracted thinking about my eyelids. I am not even kidding. This isn't a good sign. While I was dwelling on whether or not I could actually FEEL my eyeliner, someone with an accent introduced the movie In Bruges. I have no idea what it's about.

This is some seriously awesome blogging, huh?

Seth Rogen and a woman I feel I totally know but whose name I missed and whose boobs are all out there (note: mine would be too if they were as pert) are on stage giving an award to the writer of / writing for Slumdog Millionaire. Now, I accidentally happened to see that movie as well, and it was really something else. So again, I approve.

Patrick Dempsey and Amy Poehler are on stage announcing Best Actor in a comedy/drama on TV. Alec Baldwin has won for 30 Rock. Nicely done. He IS pretty damn good. You know (no, you don't know, why would you?) Alec Baldwin gave the keynote speech at my sister's graduation from NYU and I had very high hopes for him. It didn't go well. My crush ended right then and there. He's cute and a fine actor, but he's nowhere near as bright as he thinks he is.

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Renee Zellweger got an entirely different memo about the dress. She introduces something called The Reader. Ooh, clip is all kinds of racy. Naked Kate Winslet!

Two more announcers I don't know. Hurrah! Paul Giamatti wins for John Adams. He had me at "drinking the spit bucket." Oh and hey - I think we have our first bonafide drunken speech.

Glen Close and Laurence Fishburne announce Best TV Series - Comedy or Musical. 30 Rock wins! I approve! Yay, Tina Fey! OMG, Tracy Morgan is giving the acceptance speech because this is what happens in a post-Obama world. Way to keep it funny.

By the way, thanks Twitter. Apparently Rumer is there to hand the awards to the winners and escort them on and off the stage. Apparently also, this job always goes to the daughter of actors/actresses.

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Spending all my concentration on whether or not I could will myself to feel my eyeliner is a very good indication that I am too tired to be writing. Are you so sad? I am, because it seems like more people are getting drunk and stupid. Sigh.

Oh well. I gave it my best shot. Maybe this was warm-up for the Oscars?

In the meantime, if you'd like to follow someone who's not only funny but COHERENT (woo!), I recommend you follow Ish on Twitter. (@Ish)

G'night!