If I've blogged it once I've blogged it a dozen times: it's hard to write about my relationship with Ish/Pete because he reads my blog. And so do my friends and my family and his friends and his family. So writing about how we're doing has always had to stay on the surface level.
How are things with you and Pete? you, they, everyone asks.
They're great, I say, knowing it to be true. Mostly. Definitely. Probably. I think. I mean, I know. I think. I hope.
We have a good relationship and we talk a lot about everything. We discuss our future. We discuss marriage and kids. But you know? We also discuss not getting married, not having kids. We extol the virtues of our current jobs and career prospects in the Bay Area in the same breath we discuss moving to Chile or New Zealand or China. We discuss saving enough money for a down payment on a home in the same conversation that we discuss Ish quitting his job to work on comedy full-time.
You'd think we were in our early twenties to hear us talk.
Except we aren't and really, what are we doing?
He is not ready. He is not ready to sign up for it all over again. Not now, not yet. Not ever? No, someday.
I want very much to be brave and independent and not care and be my own woman -- I am my own woman -- but I cannot pretend I don't think about commitment. Of course I do.
Is it going to happen? I don't know. And in the meantime, what is there to do but talk about it, ask about it, discuss possibilities, and -- ultimately -- wait?
I'm older and wiser and independent and strong and still, the only thing for me to do is wait. How crazy is that?
Well, okay, no -- I guess "waiting" isn't the ONLY thing. There is The Other alternative. You can come to this point in the relationship and say, "Enough." You can say, "You must." You can give a time frame, "By _____ or else."
Yes, my invisible friends. You can be Scary Ultimatum Girl.
But good lord. No one ever, Ever, EVER wants to be Scary Ultimatum Girl. I do not want to be Scary Ultimatum Girl. Why would I be Scary Ultimatum Girl? I don't have a need to be.
And so if it all boils down to "wait" or "don't wait," (aka "stay" or "go"), I will wait and stay.
I guess I'm just putting this out here to see it in writing. To preempt the questions I'm fielding with more and more regularity, from friends and family and coworkers and strangers but mostly my own head:
I don't know when. I don't even know if. But I choose stay.