Incorrect (albeit very valid) Answer: Go crazy? (you ask, quoting sort of The Shining but mostly The Simpsons.)
Ha, ha. Yeah. No.
More correct Answer: A BITCH ON WHEELS OH MY GOD.
Hello, and welcome to 2008.
For those of you who've been around a while, you might remember the illustrious NO JOY IN '06, wherein I declared that 2006 would be alllllll about cutting back. Spending less, eating less, going out less, having less mess, less clutter, less noise, blah blah you get the picture. And thus --
knowing as I do that "less is more" is bullshit and that less isn't so much "more" as it is "less" and thus it is CALLED "LESS" --
I dubbed '06 the year of NO JOY.
Perhaps this wasn't the most positive attitude I could have had about the whole thing. Which is also perhaps why I got as far as organizing my closet and losing a few pounds before inadvertently deciding I'm way too fucking joyful to adhere to such a ridiculous program.
Tra la la.
So then, in a -- is it possible? -- even more ill-advised New Year's resolution fervor, I decided to focus all of 2007 on simply losing weight. Specifically, 70 pounds. "70 in '07" I called it. (Because hey, if I'm going to make a totally absurd resolution, I may as well give the resolution a catchy title.)
But Kristy, you might be saying, if you talk to your computer, you know, whatever, I have never heard of this "70 in '07" thing! What happened?
To which I might reply, Really, you haven't? Why, I swear, I was just talking about it a second ago and--hoo, look at that! It's 2008 already! WHERE DOES THE TIME GO?
I think it's safe to say, then, that any proclamation, declaration, resolution, or catch-phrase I come up with is to be wholly ignored. Or laughed at.
Because clever sloganing aside, I began this blog THREE YEARS AGO for the express purpose of chronicling my weight loss. And let's just say thank God I veered off topic because the weight-loss chronicling alone would have resulted in a very barren blog. Something like:
Entry #1: Gosh, this weight loss thing is hard. I guess I'll write more when I've made some progress.
Entry #2: Uh...
Entry #3: What is the blog equivalent of *crickets*?
Not good. Uh, also not the point.
The point IS, at the end of the first year, the year without a slogan (poor 2005), I started off great, but ended the year about 5 pounds heavier than I started. Then, newly inspired at the start of '06 (aka "no joy"), I started off great, but ended the year about 5 pounds heavier than I started. Finally, smarter and braver and clearer-minded, I launched 2007 with a totally new attitude...meaning I started off great, but ended the year about 5 pounds heavier than I started.
So if you're doing the maths, that means that (and I'm guessing here) I'm starting 2008 a good 15 lbs heavier than I was when I began this whole thing.
Siiiiiiiiiigh. That's just not how it was supposed to go. I moved to San Francisco to expand my horizons, not my ass.
But okay, okay. Let's stop the madness now. Because here we are. Again. Staring a new year in the face. Again. Knowing I have to lose weight. Again. And get in shape. Again.
Oh, except this year, I needn't lose weight and get in shape simply because I want to, for vain reasons. But because (now that I'm actually in my 30s) I have to, for health reasons.
HAHAHAHAHA. Did you believe me?
I mean, sure. Of course I need to lose weight for health reasons, but let's not delude ourselves. The sincerest, most motivating, super number one reason I want to lose weight is so that I can look a photo of me and not have to wonder who the blond posing as Jabba the Hut is.
So what to do...what to do?...
Ohthatsright. Three years out (or, let's be honest here, 32 years out) I actually HAVE NO IDEA.
Well, but, I gotta do something.
So here's what I've figured out. For right now, I'm going to worry about right now. Not next month or six months from now or how I'll ever manage to lose 70 pounds or eleventeen dress sizes. I just...can't.
(Note to self: It's not like anyone even asked or expected you to.)
(Note to self-who-writes-notes: Are you getting all self-helpish on me?)
(Note to self: Darn. Thought I could sneak that one in.)
(Note to self-who-writes-notes: Hush up.)
But facing facts here, I am just not good at thinking in terms of a year, let alone a lifetime. Everyone is always expressing just how important it is to make lifestyle changes. Changes you can live with so that you can sustain weight loss and spend the rest of your life healthy and happy.
(You know, instead of walking around in t-shirts that say things like, "If God didn't want me to be fat, he wouldn't have invented the fry-o-later*.")
Except what if I'm not built like that? What if the idea of making any kind of change "for life" scares the ever-loving crap outta me? Because hi. This world is crazy, and so am I. I am in flux all the time, with a totally new "life plan" practically every two weeks. I've been in and out of several serious relationships. I moved to San Francisco and then moved to 4 different apartments in almost as many years. I've had like, a million jobs and couldn't for the life of you tell you where I see myself in 5 years. Even in general I couldn't answer that question. Will I marry? Settle down? Have kids? WHO KNOWS. Not because I don't think those things are swell, but because I know that no matter how I plan, things change all the damn time.
Why should my approach to weight loss be any different?
So I offer a big "sorry!" to Everyone Who Is A Weight-Loss Expert In The Whole World, but I'm going to have to do this my way.
And my way means -- for now -- that I am hitting "reset" on my metabolic dial. I am taking a cue from several sources, and cutting out all booze and carbs.
For two weeks.
After that? Um? It's a mystery to me, too. (Perhaps this year's tagline can be "2008: WTF?")
In the meantime, I can say I know it must be working because the first three days of no sugar and no liquor made me INSANE. I was cranky, irritable, frustrated, annoyed. My system was like a child who (perhaps literally) wanted! A! Cookie! And when I refused it, it threw some horrific tantrum.
I am also happy to report that it has since settled down. I have stopped dreaming of bread and martinis, and the urge to throw things at Ish's head has subsided dramatically.
And I think THAT is progress worth blogging about.
Happy New Year!
*I do not actually own this t-shirt. Yet.