No Carbs And No Booze Make Me Something, Something

Question: No carbs and no booze make me ______? (Fill in the blank.)

Incorrect (albeit very valid) Answer: Go crazy? (you ask, quoting sort of The Shining but mostly The Simpsons.)

Ha, ha. Yeah. No.

More correct Answer: A BITCH ON WHEELS OH MY GOD.

Hello, and welcome to 2008.

For those of you who've been around a while, you might remember the illustrious NO JOY IN '06, wherein I declared that 2006 would be alllllll about cutting back. Spending less, eating less, going out less, having less mess, less clutter, less noise, blah blah you get the picture. And thus --

knowing as I do that "less is more" is bullshit and that less isn't so much "more" as it is "less" and thus it is CALLED "LESS" --

I dubbed '06 the year of NO JOY.


Perhaps this wasn't the most positive attitude I could have had about the whole thing. Which is also perhaps why I got as far as organizing my closet and losing a few pounds before inadvertently deciding I'm way too fucking joyful to adhere to such a ridiculous program.

Tra la la.

So then, in a -- is it possible? -- even more ill-advised New Year's resolution fervor, I decided to focus all of 2007 on simply losing weight. Specifically, 70 pounds. "70 in '07" I called it. (Because hey, if I'm going to make a totally absurd resolution, I may as well give the resolution a catchy title.)

But Kristy, you might be saying, if you talk to your computer, you know, whatever, I have never heard of this "70 in '07" thing! What happened?

To which I might reply, Really, you haven't? Why, I swear, I was just talking about it a second ago and--hoo, look at that! It's 2008 already! WHERE DOES THE TIME GO?

I think it's safe to say, then, that any proclamation, declaration, resolution, or catch-phrase I come up with is to be wholly ignored. Or laughed at.

Because clever sloganing aside, I began this blog THREE YEARS AGO for the express purpose of chronicling my weight loss. And let's just say thank God I veered off topic because the weight-loss chronicling alone would have resulted in a very barren blog. Something like:

Entry #1: Gosh, this weight loss thing is hard. I guess I'll write more when I've made some progress.

Entry #2: Uh...

Entry #3: What is the blog equivalent of *crickets*?

Not good. Uh, also not the point.

The point IS, at the end of the first year, the year without a slogan (poor 2005), I started off great, but ended the year about 5 pounds heavier than I started. Then, newly inspired at the start of '06 (aka "no joy"), I started off great, but ended the year about 5 pounds heavier than I started. Finally, smarter and braver and clearer-minded, I launched 2007 with a totally new attitude...meaning I started off great, but ended the year about 5 pounds heavier than I started.

So if you're doing the maths, that means that (and I'm guessing here) I'm starting 2008 a good 15 lbs heavier than I was when I began this whole thing.

Siiiiiiiiiigh. That's just not how it was supposed to go. I moved to San Francisco to expand my horizons, not my ass.

Stupid happiness.

But okay, okay. Let's stop the madness now. Because here we are. Again. Staring a new year in the face. Again. Knowing I have to lose weight. Again. And get in shape. Again.

Oh, except this year, I needn't lose weight and get in shape simply because I want to, for vain reasons. But because (now that I'm actually in my 30s) I have to, for health reasons.

HAHAHAHAHA. Did you believe me?

I mean, sure. Of course I need to lose weight for health reasons, but let's not delude ourselves. The sincerest, most motivating, super number one reason I want to lose weight is so that I can look a photo of me and not have to wonder who the blond posing as Jabba the Hut is.

So what to do...what to do?...

Ohthatsright. Three years out (or, let's be honest here, 32 years out) I actually HAVE NO IDEA.

Well, but, I gotta do something.

So here's what I've figured out. For right now, I'm going to worry about right now. Not next month or six months from now or how I'll ever manage to lose 70 pounds or eleventeen dress sizes. I just...can't.

(Note to self: It's not like anyone even asked or expected you to.)

(Note to self-who-writes-notes: Are you getting all self-helpish on me?)

(Note to self: Darn. Thought I could sneak that one in.)

(Note to self-who-writes-notes: Hush up.)

But facing facts here, I am just not good at thinking in terms of a year, let alone a lifetime. Everyone is always expressing just how important it is to make lifestyle changes. Changes you can live with so that you can sustain weight loss and spend the rest of your life healthy and happy.

(You know, instead of walking around in t-shirts that say things like, "If God didn't want me to be fat, he wouldn't have invented the fry-o-later*.")

Except what if I'm not built like that? What if the idea of making any kind of change "for life" scares the ever-loving crap outta me? Because hi. This world is crazy, and so am I. I am in flux all the time, with a totally new "life plan" practically every two weeks. I've been in and out of several serious relationships. I moved to San Francisco and then moved to 4 different apartments in almost as many years. I've had like, a million jobs and couldn't for the life of you tell you where I see myself in 5 years. Even in general I couldn't answer that question. Will I marry? Settle down? Have kids? WHO KNOWS. Not because I don't think those things are swell, but because I know that no matter how I plan, things change all the damn time.

Why should my approach to weight loss be any different?

So I offer a big "sorry!" to Everyone Who Is A Weight-Loss Expert In The Whole World, but I'm going to have to do this my way.

And my way means -- for now -- that I am hitting "reset" on my metabolic dial. I am taking a cue from several sources, and cutting out all booze and carbs.

For two weeks.

After that? Um? It's a mystery to me, too. (Perhaps this year's tagline can be "2008: WTF?")

In the meantime, I can say I know it must be working because the first three days of no sugar and no liquor made me INSANE. I was cranky, irritable, frustrated, annoyed. My system was like a child who (perhaps literally) wanted! A! Cookie! And when I refused it, it threw some horrific tantrum.

I am also happy to report that it has since settled down. I have stopped dreaming of bread and martinis, and the urge to throw things at Ish's head has subsided dramatically.

And I think THAT is progress worth blogging about.

Happy New Year!

*I do not actually own this t-shirt. Yet.


  1. Kristy, congratulations. Not pureeing your loved ones when deprived of booze and carbs is progress indeed. I have been on every diet known to man, and a few I made up myself. I've finally started losing weight, but only because I count every calorie and write down every morsel of food I put in my mouth - because all I've been hearing (and ignoring) for years is "a calorie is a calorie, and you have to burn more calories than you take in every day or you won't lose weight"; and "you MUST keep a food journal" - so I finally decided to give it a shot back in August. I cannot begin to tell you how frickin' boring this is, but for some reason it's working - I'm down 37 pounds, even with Thanksgiving and Christmas thrown into the unholy mix. All those years of ignoring the advice - who knew! Whatever works for you is whatever works for you. You'll figure it out! And I love love love your blog.

  2. I, too, love your blog, which is a little creepy-yet-voyeristic as I wouldn't know you on the street and I live on the East Coast. But, I digress...

    I wanted to suggest something that worked for me: a little computer program called Diet Power ( ). You track the food you eat (intake), your exercise (output), and daily weight (progress). It's really easy, the solution is right in front of your face every day to help you stay on track and it's the tried and true method that Maggie-Beth mentioned: take in less calories than you use and you will lose weight. Simple mathematics. I lost 30 pounds on this program before I had my second son and I'm starting it up again. I never really tracked my exercise, but I was religious about my food, so it worked well for me.

    Good luck and BB!

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  4. Oh, I *definitely* recommend the shorter time frame for goals. I'm a complete cookie addict, but quit for a month and it made such a difference. After the month was up, I wasn't quite as obsessed. It gets much easier after that.

    Good luck! :)

  5. Best of luck to you in 2008, Kristy! I actually managed to gain nearly 25 pounds in England and my main motivation (besides all the women telling me that as I get older I have to SWEAT* in order to lose weight) is that I cannot afford new clothing so it's either go naked or lose the pounds. And right now the first choice isn't looking so bad.

    * Their emphasis, not mine.

  6. What is it about the New Year that makes us re-examine our flaws? Ugh. I have climbed back on the proverbial wagon--although that same wagon ran me over when my father died two months ago. I had lost 35 pounds (with another 20 to go), and I have now gained back 15 of them. Because I chucked my fat clothes on the way down, I'm still squeezing into the same pants, but they just look bad. And they feel bad too.

    Why can't we all just eat with reckless abandon and look fabulous? It just ain't fair.

  7. (are we related? wow, i could have written a lot of this!)

    everything in moderation is my goal this time around. and it is working! do i want a glass of wine? then i have one or two. but not three or four. do i want yummy ranch on my salad? then i use half of the amount that i would have used in the past? do i want chocolate? then i have one or two bitesized pieces instead of 2 regular candy bars. do i want bread with dinner? then i have one piece instead of two or three. do i want pasta for dinner? then i have one small plate instead of one and a half huge plates.

    excercise? i'm forcing myself to walk my dog. which is better than just throwing the ball. and will eventually lead to me feeling better so that i will be able to do a little more.

    my key is moderation. hope 2008 leads you to your key. all the best to you!

    no matter what, though, please don't stop blogging. i LOVE your blog.

  8. yup, short term goals might be the key. i need to stay focused on the short term. and damn, two weeks seems like a long time when you cut out the alcohol. good luck with '08!! 8 is my lucky number on the roulette wheel so maybe it'll be a good year too.

  9. You know... what works is different for everybody. Cindy Crawford works out on rooftops with celebrity trainer Radu. I tried that (in my living room) and end up limping around for the better (or rather worse) part of six months. Who knew cutting out juice, soda, alcohol, corn chowder and finding a weekly Weight Watchers meeting led by a neurotic gay man from Queens would do the trick?
    So- I'm gonna reject the apology above and raise a glass (of water on the rocks with a twist, natch) to new plans for a new year. You'll find what works for you and that glass of wine will be waiting on the other side when you're ready to toast to yourself.

  10. Love the tagline "2008: WTF?" and I'm so sorry the carb/sugar cravings lasted 3 days for you, I've had them before and I consider myself very fortunate that they only last a day for me, but that day is sooo not nice (Kraft lite peanut butter helps me a little bit sometimes when craving the smooth sweetness of chocolate, note the "little bit" and "sometimes" though).

  11. After reading Crazy Aunt Purl's "Year of the Un-Diet", where she just practiced moderation in what she ate and started walking for exercise, I proclaimed 2007 "Lizzy's Year of teh Un-Diet" . . . and it did work for me. I lost 16 pounds! So the "Un-Diet" plan works for me.

    You will find what works for you, and you will be successful, and you will look and feel marvelous!

    ("2008-WTF" - - LOVE it!)

  12. I love your blog. You crack me up.

    I say go for the no carbs thing for a couple weeks, too. I've done that before and it really does seem to reset your metabolism. Plus, you'll probably lose 10 pounds or so and that means just 60 more to go! :) Good luck!

  13. is all about moderation! There is no need to cut out all carbs. Laying off the booze for a bit is a good idea. Try to focus instead on eating 6 small meals a day with no processed foods and always have protein with your food. If you want to know more, please e-mail me. I want to help. Love you
    ! Koffie

  14. I once tried to go without butter. It was a horrible experience. Many lives were lost.

  15. This is quite the conincidence...
    I started the infamous "South Beach Diet" on monday of this week with a coworker. My wife has already pointed out that I'm getting cranky and I'm planning to drink heavily in Vermont for Super Bowl weekend with the guys. It's only been 3 days and I'm irritable and have mapped out cheating on the damn thing. Ridiculous

  16. i have loved you from afar (in that stalker-ish-but-less-creepy way that the blogging world seems to encourage) for quite a while but have never been driven to comment. However since in 2008 I resolve not only to lose weight, but to not keep my mouth shut when I don't feel like it - hi!
    I started SB last week. I snuck in only one glass of red wine. Five pounds down and no one has died, yet (although there have been close calls.) The key to survival? My fiance does all the cooking. Coz I've discovered that it's not the dieting that's so hard, it's all the THINKING that goes into it.
    "2008-the year of no thinking."
    Good luck. You're not alone, for sure.

  17. Good luck! After declaring 2007 "The Year of Men!" only to end it with the revision "The Year of (emotionally immature and often just crazy) Men!" I decided to stick with more modest goals for '08. Namely, re-quit smoking, drink in moderation and eat healthy food.

    Four days into it, my friends threatened to put a lock on the OUTSIDE of my door so I couldn't unleash my bitchiness on the general public. One week into it I went on a cheeseburger binge. Hang tough, sister!

    btw, love your blog.

  18. Oooo, nice approach! Let me know how it goes. I think booze makes me jiggle more.

  19. Yeah, um....I was almost fired for laughing out loud with this post. You're writing is better than ever! Best of everything to you in the new year.


  20. Just found your blog (I think, maybe I've been here before?) and have to say I love this post. I, too, am constantly making grand new life plans that, by golly, never seem to work. Here's to "2008: WTF?"


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