I have discovered it!
Finally! you say.
Tell us! Tell us! you say.
And I shall. Just as soon as I get the details worked out exactly.
See, the diet is, you simply ensure that everyone in the entire world views you directly from the front. Presto! You're 20 lbs lighter!
Seriously. I am just back now from the conference and family visiting and whoa. There were a LOT OF PEOPLE WITH CAMERAS. And while most all of them have the good decency not to show me the pictures of me, let alone post them online somewhere, I have been thoroughly APPALLED.
I don't know what happened. I mean, I know I gained more weight than I would like to believe over the holidays. I also know I'm older than I would like to believe, too, and thus less able to lose a "few extra pounds" as quickly as I used to. But do I really look like this?
I bought some cute outfits for the conference. I tried them on and they looked flattering. They looked flattering in the store mirror. And in my bedroom mirror. And again in my hotel mirror.
But -- and I'm perfectly willing to blame this on that whore, Physics -- something does not translate from "mirror" to "camera lens."
I have decided it's simply the angle. It must be. I just went to the ladies' room here at a cafe, and from the front, I look normal and not like some bulbous, protruding mass of a person. I swear. But I turn and from the side, I can see where the camera is coming from. Sort of.
But until I work out losing approximately half of my body weight, I implore you, world, to only view me directly from the front. And from a slightly downward perspective if you can manage it.