The Best Diet In The World
I have discovered it!
Finally! you say.
Tell us! Tell us! you say.
And I shall. Just as soon as I get the details worked out exactly.
See, the diet is, you simply ensure that everyone in the entire world views you directly from the front. Presto! You're 20 lbs lighter!
Seriously. I am just back now from the conference and family visiting and whoa. There were a LOT OF PEOPLE WITH CAMERAS. And while most all of them have the good decency not to show me the pictures of me, let alone post them online somewhere, I have been thoroughly APPALLED.
I don't know what happened. I mean, I know I gained more weight than I would like to believe over the holidays. I also know I'm older than I would like to believe, too, and thus less able to lose a "few extra pounds" as quickly as I used to. But do I really look like this?
Like that?
I bought some cute outfits for the conference. I tried them on and they looked flattering. They looked flattering in the store mirror. And in my bedroom mirror. And again in my hotel mirror.
But -- and I'm perfectly willing to blame this on that whore, Physics -- something does not translate from "mirror" to "camera lens."
I have decided it's simply the angle. It must be. I just went to the ladies' room here at a cafe, and from the front, I look normal and not like some bulbous, protruding mass of a person. I swear. But I turn and from the side, I can see where the camera is coming from. Sort of.
But until I work out losing approximately half of my body weight, I implore you, world, to only view me directly from the front. And from a slightly downward perspective if you can manage it.
Thanks.
Finally! you say.
Tell us! Tell us! you say.
And I shall. Just as soon as I get the details worked out exactly.
See, the diet is, you simply ensure that everyone in the entire world views you directly from the front. Presto! You're 20 lbs lighter!
Seriously. I am just back now from the conference and family visiting and whoa. There were a LOT OF PEOPLE WITH CAMERAS. And while most all of them have the good decency not to show me the pictures of me, let alone post them online somewhere, I have been thoroughly APPALLED.
I don't know what happened. I mean, I know I gained more weight than I would like to believe over the holidays. I also know I'm older than I would like to believe, too, and thus less able to lose a "few extra pounds" as quickly as I used to. But do I really look like this?
Like that?
I bought some cute outfits for the conference. I tried them on and they looked flattering. They looked flattering in the store mirror. And in my bedroom mirror. And again in my hotel mirror.
But -- and I'm perfectly willing to blame this on that whore, Physics -- something does not translate from "mirror" to "camera lens."
I have decided it's simply the angle. It must be. I just went to the ladies' room here at a cafe, and from the front, I look normal and not like some bulbous, protruding mass of a person. I swear. But I turn and from the side, I can see where the camera is coming from. Sort of.
But until I work out losing approximately half of my body weight, I implore you, world, to only view me directly from the front. And from a slightly downward perspective if you can manage it.
Thanks.
I am thinking that maybe I can design some special glasses that I give to everyone around me to make me look thinner. And also conceal zits. And bitterness.
ReplyDeleteIf I get these glasses made, can I assume you'll want some ?
Seriously - I am trapped in a basement at a fairly undemanding job, and over the past few days i haev become a big fan. You rock.
A few weeks ago, I got back from a wonderful vacation with my boyfriend. Part of it was the BEST birthday I've ever had, we had a fabulous time, it was a tremendous bonding experience for us as a couple, the scenery, the love, the awesome! I should be over the moon, right?
ReplyDeleteI saw the pictures, and all I could think was "Jesus. I have GOT to get that fat ass to the gym." I've been bathed in self-loathing since we got home. But I've figured it all out now...
It's the cameras. Blame the camera, it puts on WAY more than 10 pounds. Shitty photographers and their crappy cameras.
long ago, i'd come to the conclusion that most cameras hate me.
ReplyDeletei sooo feel you on this...
Add to my self loathing the fact that I failed to see the typo "haev" in my comment. I suck. My fat fingers were bumping into each other in their war over the keyboard.
ReplyDeleteMy sister doesn't allow anyone to photograph her from the waist down. Period. Her wedding photographs are waist-up (which is a shame, because her dress was beautiful and really it's all in her head).
ReplyDeleteBut photographs of me give me a phantom double chin that makes me want neck surgery at 25. So cameras just make everybody crazy.
I get this same reaction when I catch a glimpse of myself in a window at work. I think to myself that I look okay in the morning while getting ready, and then BAM! I steal a glimpse of my fat self in the window while returning to my cube with a muffin in hand and I think..."Fuck."
ReplyDeletemirrors in fitting rooms are also fantastic diet aids... tried on boardshorts *gasp* over the weekend for an upcoming trip... and yikes!
ReplyDeleteperhaps I can wear Kristin's glasses in the fitting room so I don't just crumple into a heap on the floor and sob.
This happens to me all the time, too!
ReplyDeleteI'll look at myself in the mirror and think, wow...I actually look pretty cute right now. Then someone will take my picture and I'll look at it and think, my GOD I look like SHIT! What was I thinking?!?!?!?
I'll take a pair of those glasses when you figure them out! Maybe what we really need to do is re-design camera lenses to capture us as we see ourselves in the mirror.
Now THAT is a product I'd pay a lot for.
Exactly. I, also, implore the world to do the same. So tired of the "the mirror says I look okay but the camers does not!" roller coaster ride.
ReplyDeletePlate glass windows have the same stunning effect. I know for a fact I looked Damn Cute when I left the house this morning. I checked the mirror twice. Then I walked by a coffee shop and caught my profile in the reflection. Sad to say, I didn't realize who that chunky monkey was for about half a second. Until I realized that girl in the window had on my clothes and my head on her shoulders.
ReplyDeleteCameras are the WORST!!!!
ReplyDeleteGreasy hair, bad skin, chubby tummy... cameras find ALL these things. Grrrr.
I'm reminded of the Friends episode when everyone is watching the high school prom video. Present day Monica sees chubby high-school Monica and says "Well the camera adds 10 pounds, you know." And Chandler says "How many cameras are on you???"