Friday, September 16, 2011

Tell Me To Do My Scary Thing

If you've been reading me at all for even just a little while, you probably know two things about me:

1. I need to lose weight.

2. I don't really do "inspiration." Not in the traditional ways. If you find my being totally, brutally honest here in any way inspiring, that is wonderful and I love it and yay! for Invisible Internet Friends. But I have no religion of any kind, I'm not spiritual, and I'm not really self-helpy. Oh, I explore my inner-workings as much as the next blogging navel-gazer, but mostly I make fun of myself and the world around me.

If you were to read me and think mostly I'm kind of ridiculous, you would be correct.

But I have been a fan of MissBritt's for a really long time, and she wrote something a couple days ago about Doing [Her] Scary Thing. And she caught me off-guard. I must have been in the right frame of mind or openness of heart or I'm not even sure what -- this "inspiration" thing is out of my comfort zone -- but I think that's what happened. She inspired me. (THAT BITCH.)

Wanna know my scary thing? I'll tell you. Actually, no, I'll SHOW you. Probably. Maybe. Maybe. Probably. But hold on, wait a sec.

Here is half of it:

I started doing Medifast in the spring of 2010 because it is an easy-but-serious weight-loss plan and I was serious about losing weight, finally. And it was working (when I followed the program, which I mostly did) and then a bunch of dumb things happened at once that threw me off-course and then I got pregnant.

It's now a year-and-a-half AND A BABY later, and I'm ready, again. This is the last time. This is the final frontier. This is my "now or never" moment. I am done having kids. And after spending the last three years pregnant or recovering from being pregnant, I am primed to get down to a normal size.

We can discuss my actual goals and stuff later.

This is about my scary thing.

Inspired by Britt, I made a video. 

I made a video. Of me. Talking. And showing you my body. And saying THIS IS HOW MUCH I WEIGH.

I just sort of...did it. One take, mistakes and all, just to do it before I talked myself out of it.

But I haven't posted it anywhere because that is the scariest thing I could think of to do. To really show you me. After all these years. Chubby cheeks, jutting butt and all, telling you how much I weigh.

My thought is that I will vlog -- YES I SAID VLOG -- this whole weight-loss thing. If I can be brave enough to tell you the whole truth. To show you the whole truth.

I want to, but I'm scared. I don't even know of what, exactly. Will you think less of me because of how I look? Will someone comment that I'm fat? (Duh. And how could that POSSIBLY be surprising?) Will sharing my "number" take away something? (How could it?) Can I, someone who has been hiding from cameras (and untagging photos on Facebook) for YEARS really put it all out there? For really real?

I...I'm close. But I need someone to push me off the ledge.





*By the way, this isn't meant to be a baiting post. I really just want to hear that I'm not totally crazy from someone who isn't my husband (who thinks I might be a little crazy). 


28 comments:

  1. Do it! Push, push.

    This is a hard post to write, and I know what's it like to be embarrassed by the number on the scale. I've found the best "inspiration" is from myself, no one else.

    Are you going to do Medifast again? I'm on it now and 40lbs down since late April, halfway to my goal.

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  2. You can do it! Imagine how proud of yourself you'll be when you have.

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  3. Wow. This came up in my google reader at *just* the right time. It's startling how timely it is... The kind of cosmic peptalk and push in the right direction that I needed now, but also the kind that has left with misty eyes here on the bus. Oops. (Hormonal, perhaps??)
    Okay, lest you think I am going through some huge, dramatic, Lifetime movie-worthy crisis, I should clarify. No cancer, no looming death, no weapons, no visible scars. My crisis has been building for a bit now, resulting in many tears in the last few weeks and days. There are a lot of factors, but primarily I have just been feeling so uncertain about my future, so terrified of the possibilties of success and, more prominently, failure. I have come to the point where I want to take control of this anxiety that has nagged at every plan-making stage for years, to become a healthier me both inside and out, and to embrace life and its risks more openly. This means I need to jump into a lot of things and say many things to myself and others -- Yep, let's try to make a baby now. This person really hurt me, but I am going to move on from that. I am going to become healthier physically and lose weight because I want to FOR ME, not because I feel guilty about being the big girl. (My number: 249) I am going to find a counselor, but I am also going to be okay with taking medication to bring me to a baseline from which I can function. I am going to accept who I am and what I can do as exactly that, and I will stop beating myself up about all the ways I wish I was a better wife, sister, friend, employee. I am going to clean our house so there are not so many damn piles and boxes!

    Forgive the verbal diarrhea. Summary of what I am trying to say:
    You ARE inspirational.
    Regardless of what you decide, yay you!

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  4. i say do it. what is the worst that can happen? someone calls you something you already call yourself and show themselves to be a twatbagarooney?

    seriously, kristy, you are beautiful. i don't care if the lighting is bad, you stammer over a few words, whatever. you are beautiful. and if you need this vlog post to help you move in a direction that will make you finally feel the beautiful that i already know, then do it.

    send the haters to me. i'll show them 250 lbs and no babies as an excuse.

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  5. also, did it make you feel better that i posted 250 pounds in your comments? not sure if i ever wrote that on the internet before, but i thought it might help. because what is the worst that can happen...someone will know i am fat?

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  6. I love you ladies!

    Eileen, yes. I started again last week. It's like riding a bicycle. A microwavable bicycle.

    Britt, you're right. I just have to get over that "ohgod I posted something weird to the internet" feeling I used to get years ago when trolls were rampant and you never knew what kind of shitstorm would develop.

    Kathi, your comment makes this whole thing worth it. Hugs to you. YAY right back.

    Becky, yes. It helps a LOT. A LOT A LOT.

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  7. You are not crazy - you are an inspiration!! Putting yourself out there is so scary, but for every jack off who might try to make you feel bad about yourself there dozens of us out here cheering you on!

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  8. If you want to do it now, do it. Why? Because you want to right now. And later? Take it down if you want to because you want to right then. You know yourself and you know your reactions, and they can be trusted.

    And a number changes nothing. I love that Hope Solo recently said her weight on national tv, and while those of us who are tall know that 150 pounds is NOTHING, I bet there were a lot of people out there who thought, "wholly shit, that totally ripped girl weighs 150 pounds? that's so much!" So numbers are relative.

    Also, male athletes have their weights posted all over the freaking place, and that's whether they're sleek little swimmers or meat-and-potato-eating linemen. And no one cares a whit.

    So here: I weigh 180 pounds. I wish I weighed less. I have weighed more. You have known me at a variant of 40 pounds (which may seem insignificant, but whatever). Did that ever change, even a little, what you thought about any stories I told?

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  9. amy, thank you. I think I'm just trying to steel myself for the jack-offs.

    Whinger, HELLO. I miss you. And you're right on every front and helping remind me of all the reasons that #s shouldn't have such a hold on us (me).

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  10. I was about to say the same thing as Whinger - that the actual number means so little. You can weigh more than most people think you do and look good. I certainly did, when I was at 150-160 pounds (I am tall and strong). But that was many years ago.

    And I'm not prepared to admit the number, but I did put on a pair of jeans today that I had to take off, because they looked like crap. I look like crap and I don't feel so hot either. After years of maintaining a relatively consistent (though, yes, excessive) weight, I've managed to put on enough pounds that things don't fit the same way.

    So I'm in this with you. I'm not vlogging it, but I'm here to cheer you (and myself) on.

    Also - haters are gonna hate no matter what. Screw 'em.

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  11. A voice from the XY crowd... go for it. You're a smart & funny lady. Who gives a rat's ass what the jack-offs say?

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  12. I don't think anything bad will come of making videos, but I guess I don't see the point... If it will spur you to greater efforts to reach your goal, then that's awesome and go for it! If it's just to do a scary thing because it's scary, I don't see the reasoning. I could tell the internet how much I weigh and show them icky pictures of my dimpled ass (MY ass is icky, not yours!), along with trying to lose the weight, but I don't see where that would encourage me to do anything more than I'm already doing. You know? At any rate, if it helps you, go for it! I am sure you will reach your goal. If it helps, I think you're pretty the way you are. :)

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  13. Oh, my lovely IIF, you can do this, and you can make it your bitch. I know you can, I have the utmost faith. You've let us witness your being brave through many, many times in your life, and this is another one of those times. We'll laugh with you, cry with you, and get frustrated with you--if you'll let us.

    And like Sam said you ARE smart and funny, and the jackoffs can go F themselves. (Okay, so Sam didn't say that part, but Sam, whoever you are, I'm paraphrasing, I hope that's okay.)

    And no, I don't think your number really matters. FWIW.

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  14. mcpolish, I should have phrased it that way myself!

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  15. Haters gonna hate... And if it's really bad you can drink some wine to console yourself! Wait, maybe that's not the right tack to take with a weightloss endeavor?

    If you want to and think it would be helpful, do it.

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  16. When I started losing weight (1/4/10), I weighed 274.6 pounds. At my last Weight Watchers meeting, I weighed 211. I am 5'7" tall, and I once wore a size 22/XXL. I am now in a size 16/L. Losing weight is HARD...the hardest thing I have ever done. But every pound that comes off is a reason for celebration...even if it takes me another two years to get to my goal weight, which is in the 150-170 (TBD) range.

    The Internet is an amazing thing, and we IIFs are here to support you! I hope my honesty helps you gather the nerve to tell your whole story as well!

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  17. Terry - That's the worst. When you're "I can deal with me at this size" clothes stop fitting. Which is where I am. BAH.

    Sam - You've always been full of support and kindness. Thanks so much for being a fantastic XY rep. :)

    Adrasteia - You make a good point, namely, WHY? You're right that I shouldn't do it just to do it. I think video is something I've wanted to do from the very beginning (it's fun, and actually takes less time than writing, I think?) but was always something I told myself I'd get to..."later." (Meaning when I looked better.) So this would be killing two birds. And also, thanks. :)

    mcpolish - I want to make it my bitch. But it might get away from me. So, thanks for the encouragement. (I don't want to do this alone.)

    Meagan - ALWAYS the issue. How much wine to have!?

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  18. You are so brave! I love it. I think it was Katt Williams that said something like "you need haters to make you stronger" - go for it!

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  19. I'm not gonna tell you to do ANYTHING -- I'll just say that there is freedom in the number because then people appreciate the milestones that much more. WHen I had a totally private blog, I CHEERED that number - but once it became more public, I took the number away. SHaring that number is for you nobody else!

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  20. I posted my number when I started weight watchers last December as a way to be accountable but I can't even imagine actually vlogging it. The thought of actual VIDEO of my cottage cheeseness and jiggle makes me a little nauseous. You are the bravest woman I know, and I wish you the best of luck no matter which way you go!!

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  21. At my daughter's high school (2000 students) every girl is invited to the pretty girl club. Their mission is to know and show that they're pretty no matter what. Everyone wears jeans, a white t shirt and no makeup. Everyone sees their size, their bare faces, their adorned hair. It is the most awesome thing ever. And every Thursday, I watch my daughter go out the door struggling to to something that she believes in but that scares her. 2/3 of the 1000 or so girls participate. Your vlog (which I imagine must be terrifying to even contemplate) shows that same spirit and incredible bravery. All of those girls and you are inspiring. Thanks.

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  22. *unadorned
    *to do
    Stupid phone.

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  23. Hello Kristy! I'm a long time reader but first time commenter! This post is so.. different.. from the others!!

    I recently went through my own weight loss journey and seeking my health and wellness and I've lost 40 pounds this last year! My real turning point though wasn't until I joined SPARKPEOPLE.COM

    You need to check it out! They have fitness and nutrition trackers and the community there is SO SO Supportive! Almost everyone there post their own progress pictures so no one feels odd or strange about it.. andit's a great outlet so that people like -real family and friends- dont actually see it! LOL!!!

    ANyway, I just wanted to say congratulations for finding that fire in your belly to get fit! =] It's an amazing feeling!!

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  24. Think less of you? Of course we'll think less of you. There will be less of you to think of. But will we think you're less worthy? Never in a bazillion years. Pinkie swear.

    Will someone call you fat? Probably. The Internets are merciless. The good news is that your issue is your weight, and weight is temporary. Asshole is forever.

    Will sharing your number take away something? Yup. It'll take away its power.

    Could someone who's been hiding from cameras for so long really put herself out there? I sure hope so. You might not need inspiration, but I sure could use some.

    We, your cadre of IIFs, we're behind you.

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  25. Do it! Worse thing happens is you're embarrassed and take it down. If it makes you feel any better I weigh 175 at 5'4''. You're awesome and gorgeous no matter the number on the scale but dude if you want to lose weight, or get stronger, or run a marathon, it's your body! Do what you want and if this is the way to get you there: DO IT.

    Ps- Whinger! I miss you blogging come back! (not that I have any room to speak.)

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  26. PS - I also got into fat acceptance which is obviously not what you're aiming for, but in my case even though I'm trying to eat healthier and exercise more it's made me feel more free in getting there AND - and is is important - has allowed me to not give a rat's ass what anyone but me (and my partner) think of my body.

    Good luck!

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  27. I think what you're doing is very brave! I've lost just over 21lbs so now I'm 249 even. And what is even better the walking I've been doing has adjusted my figure so clothes are fitting differently; two pants sizes!

    My hubby has lost 70lbs!
    He used Sparkpeople.com where you set up a goal and a time you want the goal to happen; it tells you how many calories you need and protein, carbs what ever you want to count. He's been walking, a lot and of course men lose weight so much faster than women but its a start.
    Gook luck and do your best!

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  28. I LOVE your blog and am currently trying to lose weight (am down 50 since January) but I can only imagine how awesome it would be to hear your stories "live" and in person. To echo many others - you are mad brave, homeslice!

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