Sunday, April 14, 2013

That Time My Chins And I Were In The Paper

There's an article about me in today's Napa Valley Register, along with a photo. These are wonderful* things!

Except.

(Except of course except.)

I hate the picture. Haaaaaate. It isn't flattering in the least. And the worst part about it is that everyone** I know has insisted that I "look beautiful" in it. Which means that's what everyone thinks my "beautiful" is. Which is terrifying to me because no, actually, it is not. Objectively, it is not beautiful.

But instead of getting into a long-winded post about THAT ONE TIME I WEIGHED SO MUCH LESS AND WAS SO MUCH PRETTIER, I'm just going to give it to you in pictures.


WHEN I PUT ON A LOT OF EYELINER AND HAVE A COUPLE GLASSES OF WINE I AM PRETTY SURE I LOOK LIKE THIS:



AND THEN WHEN I HAVE TO GET ALL SERIOUS ABOUT WORK I LOOK LIKE THIS: 




AND THEN THE PAPER TAKES A "REAL LIFE" PICTURE OF ME AND IT LOOKS LIKE THIS: 



AND THEN I THINK "HOLY SHIT" BECAUSE I REALIZE I LOOK MORE LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN THIS: 



AND THIS: 




THE END. 


*The article is great and the photograph is great, I just can't believe that's what I look like.

**Except my sister Sam who thankfully laughed at it for 5 minutes straight.

14 comments:

  1. I LOVE this. I completely relate to not wanting to hear that I look good in a photo when I think I look awful. I blogged once about how horrified I am when I see candid shots of myself and I'm like--crap is that what I look like every second of every moment when I'm not "posing"? So I decided I should pretty much be posing 24/7 just in case there's a photojournalist or something around.
    I think you look "just okay." : )

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  2. I go into denial every time I see a photo of myself. Permanent denial. If it's not my chins, it's my arm flab, etc. But HOLY COW! YOU'RE IN THE NEWSPAPER! Because you have worked your way there and that is awesome.

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  3. The worst is an ipad or a Kindle. The reflection in that shiny glass...it's dismaying, honestly.

    PS You are the cutest.

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  4. Sisters help us to not take life so seriously. Well done!

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  5. A. You are a beautiful person, inside and out.
    B. That said, you look much better in real life than that picture.
    C. WHAT is that picture? The crop you posted here doesn't do the whole thing justice. What is happening in that picture? You're...standing near a computer? You...own a phone? You...are in focus while the world isn't? Mostly this picture says to me: "I recognize the absurdity of this situation," but I don't know that the photographer is in on the joke. I, too, find it HILARIOUS, while still finding you inspirational.

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  6. You look super and beautiful and SMART. BUT you should be angry that the photo doesn't at all capture the brilliance that is you...and who was that guy in front of you. Do they now know the "cropping tool"? #dummies That is all.

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  7. Oh, honey! I laughed too. I've seen you recently and in other photos, and this is just not your best. I love that Sam laughed for five minutes.

    On a serious note, I also relate to the fact of seeing yourself in a reflection and being like, HOLY SHIT IS THAT WHAT I LOOK LIKE??????? That happens to me on a daily basis when I catch reflections of myself in storefront windows. It's awesome, let me tell you.

    xoxo

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  8. Hi! I don't know you but have been anonymously reading your blog for years, and thought you might appreciate an objective response.

    That is a GOD AWFUL photo! You're so brightly lit that there aren't any contours to your face. It reminds me of a time my best friend and I went to a concert hosted by Spin that had a red carpet-esc photo area as everyone came in. When all the photos were posted online we realized that all the other girls were much more heavily made up than us and were doing their best indy rock cute girl pose. We both stood there like it was our senior photo and the bright lights washed us out so much that we had what we called "moon face". She has a rounder face than me so hers was a full moon whereas mine was closer to a waxing gibbous, but either way, not flattering.

    I consider myself to be pretty attractive but not very photogenic. I've seen enough people in life vs. photos to understand that these are NOT the same thing. I have friends that can look into the camera and give a half smile and in the photo look fantastic and happy. When I do the same thing, I have such a terrible bitch face that it looks like I'm trying to eat my face. You don't have bitch face in your photo, but you don't exactly look happy to be there. I'm sure VERY different than what you looked like in reality!

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  9. i can appreciate every hilarious word you wrote here.
    regardless, yaaaaaaaaaaaaay for being in the paper! beats last time i was...because a columnist friend wrote about me losing everything in the flood except my christmas tree and decorations because they were still up & displayed. in september. #mortified

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  10. I was in my local paper recently too, and I basically BEGGED them to let me submit my own photo for the piece b/c I was so afraid of getting my photo taken and not being able to like micro-manage the whole process.

    The article is awesome, btw!

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  11. Thank you for your extremely enlightening blog. I enjoy your blog a lot and always find it entertaining.

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  12. I actually enjoyed reading through in this post. Many Thanks

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  13. Oh, how I loved this! Soooo classic! I was a tour guide for years and I posed for pics CONSTANTLY, so every now and then I get to thinking of all the terrible pics of me that MUST be out there! MUST BE! In every country! On every planet! That I have NEVER seen! It's the *not knowing* that gets you- I have stayed up nights over it.

    Found you trying to figure out how much I could DRINK on the South Beach Diet. This was good.

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