Oh, And Also, What Is THIS Bullshit?

For serious. I am going to write a mothereffing book called "Shit Nobody Told Me About Getting Pregnant."

You know I'm punchy when I'm using bad words all up in the header.

Also, that book title is Trademarked by me.

ALSO ALSO, probably if it ever did become a book I would have to spell "Shit" as "Sh*t." Because I am a lady.

I wanted to share something with you.

I spared you the whining I did when Eve turned five months old and *poof*, just like that, half of the hair on my head decided to start falling off.  (Well, let's be clear: I spared YOU. I did not spare Twitter.)  It was weird and freaky and I clogged the shower drain a few times.

It was convenient whenever I got lost, though, because I could just follow the trail of my hair clumps like breadcrumbs.

(Sorry, that was a gross thing to say. Funny though, right?)

Of course, I looked up why this was happening to me -- just to ensure it was normal and I didn't have some weird scalp disease -- but I don't know why I even bothered because the reason is the same reason all the bizarre shit happens to you when you're pregnant. HORMONES.  You can blame every weird, inexplicable, nonsensical, seems-like-it-might-be-a-lethal-disease thing that happens to you during AND (it turns out) AFTER pregnancy on "changing hormones."

Here is a sample chapter of my book.

Chapter Three

Right now you might be asking, Why is this happening to me?

The answer is, Because you, pregnant = your hormones at a rave.

There. Chapter Three is done.

No, but here is my issue.

After half my hair fell out, it started growing back. In hilarious sections, in every which way, RIGHT ALONG MY FACE.  I am not kidding. I have curlicue WINGS growing horizontally out of my head just above both ears. PLUS I have devil horns growing vertically above both my eyes.

Oh, the sexy.

I honestly can't tell you how awesome I look when I wear a ponytail.  BUT I CAN DRAW IT.

Here is my cute chubby face.

Please note that I have absolutely no idea what color my hair is. Blond? Brown? Red?

This is what I look like when I have my hair in a ponytail and am not sprouting hormone hair.

Hormone hair! This is what is happening on my head right now.

I mean, I still have my other hair, but I needed to highlight the "special" parts and didn't know how to draw both at the same time.

So yeah. In case you were wondering, my Sh*t book will be illustrated.