Friday, April 09, 2010

Oh, And Also, What Is THIS Bullshit?

For serious. I am going to write a mothereffing book called "Shit Nobody Told Me About Getting Pregnant."

You know I'm punchy when I'm using bad words all up in the header.

Also, that book title is Trademarked by me.

ALSO ALSO, probably if it ever did become a book I would have to spell "Shit" as "Sh*t." Because I am a lady.

I wanted to share something with you.

I spared you the whining I did when Eve turned five months old and *poof*, just like that, half of the hair on my head decided to start falling off.  (Well, let's be clear: I spared YOU. I did not spare Twitter.)  It was weird and freaky and I clogged the shower drain a few times.

It was convenient whenever I got lost, though, because I could just follow the trail of my hair clumps like breadcrumbs.

(Sorry, that was a gross thing to say. Funny though, right?)

Of course, I looked up why this was happening to me -- just to ensure it was normal and I didn't have some weird scalp disease -- but I don't know why I even bothered because the reason is the same reason all the bizarre shit happens to you when you're pregnant. HORMONES.  You can blame every weird, inexplicable, nonsensical, seems-like-it-might-be-a-lethal-disease thing that happens to you during AND (it turns out) AFTER pregnancy on "changing hormones."

Here is a sample chapter of my book.
Chapter Three

Right now you might be asking, Why is this happening to me?

The answer is, Because you, pregnant = your hormones at a rave.

There. Chapter Three is done.

No, but here is my issue.

After half my hair fell out, it started growing back. In hilarious sections, in every which way, RIGHT ALONG MY FACE.  I am not kidding. I have curlicue WINGS growing horizontally out of my head just above both ears. PLUS I have devil horns growing vertically above both my eyes.

Oh, the sexy.

I honestly can't tell you how awesome I look when I wear a ponytail.  BUT I CAN DRAW IT.

Here is my cute chubby face.

Please note that I have absolutely no idea what color my hair is. Blond? Brown? Red?

This is what I look like when I have my hair in a ponytail and am not sprouting hormone hair.


Hormone hair! This is what is happening on my head right now.

I mean, I still have my other hair, but I needed to highlight the "special" parts and didn't know how to draw both at the same time.

So yeah. In case you were wondering, my Sh*t book will be illustrated.

32 comments:

  1. That happened to me too, and I would measure my child's age by how long my new sections of hair were.

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  2. My hair has been falling out too! I used to have such thick hair but now when I tie it in a ponytail, you can see the scalp in some areas...problem is, I haven't even had a baby yet...sooo...I don't know why the hell I'm losing hair!!! They all say its b/c I dye my hair so much...but...dunno

    I am a new follower btw! =)

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  3. When my mom had kids, her hair fell out and then grew back curly. Like, corkscrew curly. From pin straight to crazy curly - oy the hormones.

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  4. Yeah, it sucks. For me it started at about 3 months post-partum, and stopped at about 6. My hair is so thin to start with, I was afraid I would have to buy a wig.

    And the regrowth? My hair is naturally curly, but I straighten it almost every day. And just try to get a straight iron on the regrowth without burning your face. Just try. It's fun.

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  5. I've always had issues with thin hair but then I got into my late 30's and started losing it for real. Not quickly, but my hairline was clearly receding. This was a double humiliation since I was going thru a divorce and my ex had moved in with (and later married) the kickboxing instructor he started seeing while we were married. Ahem. Anyway, losing my hair was a great source of stress for me.

    I was getting a trim one day and the stylist told me about Nioxin and said it regrows hair, she had used it herself. It was less than $20 for a bottle so I figured, what the hell. I tried it.

    About 2 or 3 weeks later what I had been suspecting for week was clear--it was regrowing my hair. I had those same crazy wings and horns you do. I was so happy I cried. I've been using it for two years and it's still working. My hair has never been this thick in my life. Such a silly thing, hair, but so important!

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  6. I also had this happen! My baby is 7 months now and I have wispy feathers of hair sticking out all over my head giving me that "glowing" effect that was so popular in photos in the 70's. Don't worry, I'm sure no one else notices it like you do! And if they do they will be too polite to say anything :)

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  7. Yep, had the same thing happen with my second child. EXCEPT...here's something you can feel better about...my hair fell out, started coming back in all the funky little patches AND I developed psoriasis on my scalp. Took three different doctors and five or six different medicinal combos before I had to sleep with steroid-laced peanut oil on my head to keep my scalp from peeling off in patches. Yeah, good times! See, it could always be worse. ;-)

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  8. My baby is 8 months, and I have the same curly cue wings! It had not occurred to me that this was due to the post pregnancy hormone thing. Also my hair used to be nice and wavy before the baby, but now it is stick straight (except for the curly cue wings)

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  9. This is why you are my favorite blogger. totally hilarious.

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  10. I'm so sorry about your hair loss, but MY GOD WOMAN are you hilarious.

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  11. Oh crap, my hair already looks like that. What's going to happen to me when my baby is 5 months old! He's 1 month now, and my biggest problem is that my boobs are freaking huge, and not in a good way.

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  12. My theory behind people not sharing this info is that they don't want to scare the bejeesus out of us when we're expecting - because there's already so much other crap going on.

    My hair fell out too and apparently it's also as a result of the anesthesia post c-section. JOY of JOYS!

    Just in case you decide to do it again here's one NOBODY told me about. I didn't experience it the first time around, just the 2nd, and yet when I started vocalizing it EVERYBODY had experienced it.

    Ready?

    Head pubes.

    Yup. In my 2nd pregnancy my new growth DURING pregnancy was so coarse it stuck straight up but not in the soft wispy way regrowth after pregnancy does. Nope. It looked like pubes. Sorry for the overshare, but SERIOUSLY? Pregnancy can suck it, it's so awful sometimes.

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  13. The hair falling out thing (mine lasts from months 3 through 9 post-partum!) is why I chopped off my waist length hair a few days after Christmas. I have SHORT hair (like Demi Moore in Ghost, but shorter) now. Unfortunately, we now have to keep modifying the haircut, because now that my hair is growing back in, it's a little thick for the original cut. THIS is why so many women cut off their hair after having a baby. Nothing to do with having time to wash and dry it - it's all because of the hair loss and regrowth!

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  14. Whenever I am post-partum my hairdresser calls me The Statue of Liberty or Lisa Simpson.

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  15. omigod, the clumps of hair, fistfuls at a time.

    and yes, now, tufts of new hair sprouting stupidly all over my head.

    chapter 3 is a winner.

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  16. you should most definitely write that book, because i will need some help getting through that time when it comes. i would buy a copy for myself and all my friends. if you need submissions to compile more chapters, i'll ask around. ^_^

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  17. After I had the baby, my doctor told me- your hair is going to fall out. I panicked. I freaked. I realized I was inordinately vain about my hair.
    I called my best friend. She explained that my hair hadn't fallen out at all when I was pregnant (which I hadn't noticed) so extra was going to fall out now. It made me feel better.

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  18. My mom tries to warn EVERYONE about this but most of the time she isn't believed. And then it happens and they all come calling to say "OMG it happened!"

    I feel like all the women in your life who had babies first really let you down on not warning you. Although, maybe some didn't experience it as bad as you. But I swear, it apparently happens to nearly all woman at some point (It could happen right away or it could take months and months).

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  19. It's like you're in my head. My Delilah is almost 16 weeks and I've begun with the shedding, too. It's awful.

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  20. My hair hasn't been falling out, and my son is 6 months old now, BUT he's been pulling it out in fistfulls for a few weeks now. It's like he sensed my hormones had dropped the ball and he picked it up and ran with it. I get close enough, and Riiiiip, out it comes. At least having it fall out on it's own would be less painful! lol

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  21. When I found out I was pregnant with my third, one of my first thoughts was, "But my hair finally looks NORMAL again!"

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  22. I only had post-partum hairloss and regrowth right around my face but I have had alopecia areata for years (random quarter to half dollar sized bald spots just appear all over my head). I also have curly hair and when the regrowth appears it is pin straight and sticks straight up. My (now almost 7yr old) son calls them my rooster tails. Nothing you can do but laugh about it :)

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  23. Um, now I'm terrified to ever have children.

    But I would like to pre-order your book.

    Renee
    PR Coordinator, Medifast Inc.

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  24. OFMG I have never laughed so hard in my life. <3 the illustrations.

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  25. F'ing brilliant. (Dare I say that in the presence of a lady? Apparently so.)

    You have me hooked...

    All the best,
    GC

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  26. Hi-LAR-ious. There is nothing grosser than sitting down to dinner and watching your guests sporadically pull strands of your hair out of their entree and try to act casual about it. My empathy. After my first pregnancy, I lost a ton of hair (and I have a lot and you could tell). Just when it started to grow back, I lost it again following my 2nd pregnancy. I'm now knocked up for the last time, and hoping this time it's not so bad... We shall see!

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  27. You MUST write this book. Seriously -- I would stand in line to buy it. Especially if it was illustrated!

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  28. Yep. The new hair growth suprised me too...all three times I had kids...and now...I finally went off the pill for good...and YEP. Happened again. New growth. Ain't life grand!
    Peggy E.

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  29. I gave birth to two kids and a mighty chin hair that will not be vanquished. This chin hair is dark and wiry and thick, and yet it has a super power - it remains invisible to me (but I'm sure clearly visible to all other people looking at me and thinking "Dude! Do you see that chin hair?!) until it is at least 3 inches long. THEN and only then can I see it. And when I pluck it, I have to pull so hard I'm pretty sure it must be rooted in my scalp but on the inside.

    Kids . . . . they bring so many things into your life . . . .

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  30. losing weight isn't going to help the whole hair falling out thing. Mine fell half out about...shit! five months after my gastric bypass and since it grows really slowly I usually look like an annoyed hedgehog. Or a dandelion with nice accessories. Either way, find a REALLY STRONG hairspray and spritz the hell out of it.

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  31. Uh.... Read the HipMama Guide by Ariel Gore. I think it's in there. Also a fab read in general. My sympathies!

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  32. :) Thank-you! I thought my wings were coming from me pulling my hair out from lack of sleep and busy toddler! (My baby is 3 weeks old.)
    my hair is super curly, so i can get away with the thinning, but the short chunks that stick out are getting harder to hide without large headbands that make me feel old-order mennonite.
    I also know that lack of vitamins causes hair thinning, especially in women. Maybe I should get back on my prenatals...

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