Friday, April 09, 2010

A Blargh Kind Of Day

I tend to like to write about fun things on Fridays, but this morning I just feel defeated.

I'm fine, things are fine.  I'm just having a rough couple days.

For one thing, Promtacular.com was hacked this week.  And you know what? It's taking a toll on me.  Maybe this will sound stupid, but I feel violated. Someone did something mean to me and it hurt my feelings. I built something and someone's ruining it.  I know it's not personal.  I know it has absolutely nothing at all to do with me.  It's just something that happened.  But it still feels icky.

I also feel helpless. I don't understand the technical aspect of the site or Wordpress well enough to take care of business myself.  I've had to rely on friends and associates to help me figure out how to resolve the issue. And my friends and associates have been more than generous with their efforts...but the site is still hacked and unreachable and no one knows why.

It's stuck. I'm stuck. I honestly don't know what more to do.

Then there's the not-so-small issue of my weight loss.

On any given day, it is easy to look at this from a glass-half-full perspective or a glass-half-empty perspective.  Mostly I'm optimistic and happy and pleased to be moving forward and am coming from a glass-half-full place.

Today, not so much.

Ugh. It's just sloooooow.  Even though my weight-loss has been fast by normal standards (~4 lbs a week), it still seems slow. It seems slow for how disciplined I've been. It seems slow compared to some of the other folks also on Medifast whose weight seems to be falling off them. It seems slow because I'm pretty much at the 20 lb mark and...

I've said it before but I'll say it again because it keeps surprising me: 20 pounds should be SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS.

Nothing -- absolutely nothing, including pregnancy -- has made me more acutely aware of how much I actually weigh than losing weight.

Of COURSE I know it's better to be doing it than to not be doing it. Of COURSE I know that my progress is nothing to sneeze at and if I just stick with it, I'll eventually see the changes I want to see. I know that every little bit counts.

But some days it's hard to stay motivated when I'm looking at my real goal and it is so far away.

Also, sometimes I just have to face reality.

Yes, COMPARATIVELY I look and feel a lot better than I did a couple months ago. I do! And mostly that's what I focus on. Yay!

But it is, in the end, all relative. That's the problem. (Stupid reality!) Because OBJECTIVELY I am not thin, or in good shape. I do not fit into "normal" (non-plus) sized clothing.

I have made great strides on the one hand. On the other hand, I that hilarious, techno sad trombone bump, bah-bumpa bum buuum music still plays every time I get on the Wii Fit, just before The Scale shouts, "That's OBESE!" and inflates my Mii character so that she's plump and can't fit into normal-sized Wii clothes, either.

Talk about humiliation.

I guess what I'm saying, yet again, is that it's great that I'm fitting into smaller sizes, but some days it's hard to ignore that those smaller sizes aren't actually small. They aren't even in the small hemisphere.

33 comments:

  1. you can't be serious about the Wii thing, right? if that is true, i wouldn't have a Wii or a TV anymore after that. RUDE!

    i know nothing i can say will help you feel better, so i will just say i lub you and think you're amazing. and your commitment to this whole thing is inspiring, even if it does mean we arent' drunk tweeting together as much. :]

    and whoever messed up your site is a royal douchecanoe.

    xoxo

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  2. I think I'd puch the Wii in the face.

    I hope your weekend gives you more to smile about & you find your mojo soon.

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  3. For what it's worth, I think you're doing great. And every day isn't going to be full of sunshine and rainbows. If you feel crappy and defeated, that's ok. It's normal. Allow yourself to feel that way. You don't have to justify it by saying you should feel good. You don't feel good today and that's ok. Feel crappy today and feel better tomorrow! I think more people just need to allow themselves to feel bad once in a while without thinking that it's wrong(myself included). It's totally ok to feel defeated sometimes. In my opinion, it's only a problem when you feel defeated ALL of the time.

    All your readers believe in you and appreciate all of your efforts both creative and otherwise so keep that in the back of your mind and take it out tomorrow when you're feeling better. Because you will feel better tomorrow. :)

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  4. I know exactly how you feel. I went on the (groan) HCG diet earlier this year and lost 14 pounds in four or five days. AND COULDN'T EVEN TELL.

    I felt so defeated. I still do.

    But - you know - YOU shouldn't feel that way.

    (Hmmmm.... I'm thinking that was not all that comforting. Sorry.)

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  5. I know you know but it won't hurt to hear it; wow! You're doing so great! I've quit my diet & exercise "thing" TWICE since you've started. Imagine my progress. [This is me rolling my eyes]

    You're seeing changes & that's just amazing! Keep up the great work & know that with all the hard work you're putting in, you are going to reach your goal! & I'll bet, you'll get there alot sooner than you think. I know that sometimes numbers are defeating, but look at your total progress & you'll see how amazing you're doing. Keep it up, lady - you're doing great!

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  6. Getting hacked AND dealing with difficult body issues is a hard row to hoe. If it helps, from the outside, you are actually doing pretty awesome.

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  7. You're preaching to the choir sister!
    I started medifast after hearing about you and your success. I feel like I'm starving all day. During the week, I do pretty well. On the weekend, well, oops, not so well. So, I am not doing NEARLY as well as you are. At least you are being diligent.
    I was in tears when I stepped on the scale this morning.

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  8. Aww, Natalie, I'm sorry to hear that.

    One thing I learned was that if I STAY diligent, the hunger goes away and I stop feeling miserable. The times I fell off the wagon (or stepped off, as I CHOSE to do so), it would take another solid 3 days for me to get back into the swing of things.

    But good luck!!!

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  9. Wow about the Wii. Crazy. I agree with the "Blargh" day. Some days are just hard. What helps me is to know I'm not alone. Thanks for sharing. And the diet thing is inspiring. I had a diet going on before you started the Medifast thing, but you have helped me keep going. I hope the weekend is better for you.

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  10. I know. Oh, how I KNOW about those crap days. I wish I had a magic suggestion for how to fix that feeling. I bet getting in a really good workout would get you back in the mindset of virtuousness and "oh, yes I can!" but if there's one flavor of fug that makes working out the least likely activity of all mankind, it's the flavor you're licking right now.

    Just hold on. Let it pass.

    Tomorrow is another day.

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  11. I've been in your place for a while now. Even though you fit into smaller pants, you still look at them and think... wow... progress still looks depressing.

    You sound like the kind of person who will stick with it, even though it's difficult. The only recommendation I have is to read a book on self-image. Even though you are striving to be healthier--a very laudable goal--it is still worthwhile to learn to accept the way you are now, and the way you will be in the future. I'm a fan of the book "The Body Sacred," though it's got a Wiccan bent to it. If you can find a similar book, it might be worth your time. :)

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  12. Oh man, I hear you. I have one hundred pounds to lose. ONE HUNDRED. That's if I want to get to the higher end of the range of what I should weigh based on my height (those tables are crap, I know, but still). It's such a huge, insurmountable number that it makes me not even want to start. Because, really, at 37 years old, it won't be easy. So it makes me want to give up before even trying and I can't think of a singe solitary thing to motivate me to even start.

    I've been contemplating getting a Wii, though, and attempting to up my exercise level a bit. After the shock of being shouted at about obesity, are there fun things to do with it? Or is it just like going to an aerobics class or something? Does it feel like FUN or just like WORK? This is what I need to figure out before I buy one.

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  13. Lovie, I feel you. I really really really do. I've been on Medifast since January, and I have lost 30 pounds. I have not, however, been disciplined or diligent in my effort. Not remotely. Oh yea, I started out all gung-ho, but I just want to be done with this damn dieting crap. DONE FOR LIFE!!! So, I am trying to get down to the bottom of the compulsion, rather than focusing so much on the weight (I even had my husband HIDE our mutha-you-know-whating scale, because I was on it 4 times a day!). I am no kumba-ya type, but I will tell you that I've been reading an interesting book called Food Women and God, that has been enlightening. I have also been doing Overeaters Anonymous to get into the crux of this binge thing I've had going on for 30+ years. You gotta know that you are a rock star. You really are, just for being aware. That's the first step to change, always...being aware. I'm sending you my best big girl, squishy cow hug.

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  14. I hear you. I started losing weight on Monday. And walking. But I'm really short, so my "fat" is not the same as other people's "fat". 40 pounds on me is like 80 pounds on them. They think I have nothing to complain about. I know they mean well, but it doesn't help. They don't get that the poundage is relative, but the amount of effort and struggle is just as challenging.

    hang in there!

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  15. Hi...I know how you feel..I know what it's like to be missing the "wonderful" feeling..and yet be so happy at the success that has been achieved so far...I have lost 106 pounds so far and yes there is more to go...97 more. I have just gone over the mountain top(half my weight to loose) and feel so good yet aware that I have so much more to go and sometimes it feels like it is taking so long(since July 2009) but it came to me the other day that my emotions and my mind needs this time to change as well as my outside. It will all come in time and I will just keep on keeping on, LOL. You can do it!!!!

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  16. 20 lbs!?! That's amazing Kristy! 20 lbs is a lot of weight to lose. Have you ever seen what 20 lbs of fat looks like? It's a lot! Put 20 lbs of weights (or clothes or books, whatever) in a backpack and walk around with it for a few hours, walk up a few flights of stairs and then take it off. 20 lbs is heavy. You are doing is great! You should really be proud of yourself :)
    You are the point now where everyone gives up because they aren't seeing 'big results', stick with it!
    It's easy to fall off the wagon, but don't let that get you down.
    I personally don't struggle with my weight, I struggle with smoking, for the past 15 years. Every.day.is.a.struggle. It never goes away ever. I understand your inner struggle. It's real and loud!
    You are awesome Kristy! Love your blog!
    Take Care :)

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  17. I have been feeling the same way. I am 26 lbs. down with Medifast but I pretty much look and feel the same. If you told me my scale was off by 15 lbs and I was only down 11 lbs. I would think... yah, that makes sense. I went to Old Navy to try on some smaller clothes and found I can somewhat uncomfortably squeeze into 1 size smaller of pants and if I really suck it in I can get into 2 sizes down. Unfortunately the waist size on either pair still represent the age that many men hit a mid life crisis.

    Anyway, I just keep telling myself that when I lose twice what I have lost, THEN... I will start noticing a difference. :) Good luck.

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  18. But I am thankful for you today. You were MY rock when I needed you...thank you!

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  19. When the slowness of the weight loss starts getting to you, ask yourself this: Imagine how much weight you will have lost 6 months from now? A year from now? Do you want to give up and be the same next year, or be able to look back and go "I did it!"

    Dieting sucks, it's slow, it's not fun, and when I'm frustrated, all I want to do is eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's, but we have to stick it out. Think of the future us, not the one we see in the mirror right now...

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  20. I started with the weight loss thing before you did the pre-Medifast time. I'm down about 17 and I've been hovering here for weeks. Hanging in there sucks, but look! You have a whole cheering section here!

    I have not much WordPress experience but I do know that some of the free themes that look awesome are built with exploits that'll allow crap to be dropped onto your site, which is what Google's reporting. If you can get in there and revert it to the original "ugly" WP theme it came with, that may be step 1 to stopping Promtacular from calling up that nasty script.

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  21. Oh man. That damned Wii Fit bitch pisses me off too. I hate her.

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  22. Oh yeah, my Mii blew up too. Totally humiliating. I haven't touched the thing since. (I do work out at the Y, though. They don't make me feel like a cartoon blimp.)

    That said, I too am on MF. This is week ten and I have lost 27 lbs. It has only been in the last couple of days or so that anyone has noticed and, like you, I'm following it to the letter. I have 60 to lose total so I'm almost at my half-way point. Some days I'm really hungry (admittedly, it's mostly in my head, not my stomach) but it makes me downright sad. I've taken to going to bed with my daughters so I won't be tempted to stay downstairs and watch TV and eat. It's worth it, though. I am actually heading towards being able to shop in "normal" stores. I haven't done that in almost a decade.

    Best of luck to you!!

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  23. Hi, I have read your blog for quite a while, but I don't think I have ever commented before. Please keep your spirits up on the weight loss. You’re making great progress!

    About 5 years ago I lost around 80 lbs and have kept it off. It took a LONG time, but in my opinion, the end results are worth it! I am healthy, and I have started to love exercise and yoga (coming from someone who HATED it all my first 30+ years).

    Throughout my process, I never weighed myself (because the number would have just depressed and discouraged me). I don’t know how often you’re weighing yourself, but my advice would be to minimize it to once a week at the most. The results will come if you stick with it!! Before this last attempt that actually worked, I felt like weighing myself more frequently was trying to see if I were able to "trick" my body. i.e., if I had gone off course, but didn't gain weight, things were ok. But, the reality is that you can't trick your body! Keep up with the program, ignore the scale, and you will see results eventually!

    Also, as for the Wii telling you that you are obese, can you just avoid that? That horrible and just not helpful.

    Best of luck! I'm rooting for you :)

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  24. Hi...you've been in my blog reader for eleventy million years but I'm a perpetual lurker. However, today I just had to comment.

    I understand.

    I'm going through the same battle. I lost weight with Weight Watchers but never got down to my goal. Now I'm back at it again after the scale started creeping up again. I tried SO HARD. The first week? nada....not even a tenth of a pound. The second week? when I was trying even harder, felt hungry a *lot* and worked out like a maniac (non lie, soaked in sweat working out)? Down 2 pounds. I should have been happy. I should realize that that's a normal amount to lose on this program in a weeks time. Instead? I'm upset that it's not more. I feel like the fight to get weight off is becoming harder and harder. My effort does not equal the results on the scale. It sucks. It really does. But as with everything else in life I've decided to change my expectations. Kinda like when you go into some situation knowing it's going to suck, it somehow sucks a little less than if you expected rainbows and unicorns and chocolate rivers containing a gondola with Adrian Grenier in it (what? that's just my fantasy?).

    So instead of expecting an unrealistic (for me) 5 pound loss every week, I'm going to expect 0.5 and suck it up that it may take me a loooong time to lose this weight. It took me a long time to loose the first 35 (no, seriously, a year and a half) so this next 30 won't be fast. But just setting the expectation that it might take another year to do what most people seem to do in 3 months helps a little bit.

    Of course talk to me next month when I use a homemade shiv to stab the first skinny girl I see eating a burger. ::clears throat:: what? resentment? me?

    Seriously though. Good luck and stick with it. Know that we're all rooting for you! GO KRISTY!

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  25. sucky week for you.... sorry.
    does it make you feel better that I would do anything to have 23 comments on a blog post I wrote? that is some love. ;)

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  26. If it makes you feel any better I feel like I'm having a blargh month!

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  27. Kristy, I don't really have anything important to say. Your blog always brightens my day, I find you hilarious, witty and I just know that if you ever move to Toronto (!) we would be besties.
    All us women are too hard on ourselves, and we really do need to cut ourselves some slack every once in a while.
    You deserve it! You are an inspiration to all of us readers!

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  28. If you just breastfed more you wouldn't have any of these problems. And everything would be perfect.

    That was a JOKE.

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  29. Kristy, it IS hard. Being fat sucks - losing weight, even more so.

    I have to constantly remind myself that I gained 100 pounds in the space of 10 years. As long as it takes me less than 10 years to lose THAT weight, I'm doing well. (Or at least I'm doing OK.) And I'm not miserable while I'm doing it - though I'm about to give that stupid scale a good talking-to - I'm starting to think it's stuck.

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  30. 20 pounds is phenomenal! I have a seven month old baby who weighs 20 lbs...think about it this way...you've lost a whole person! I know how hard it is, I have 30 more lbs to lose and all I can pull of at this point is fluctuating by about 3 lbs each week. THREE. And as soon as I lose the little bastards, they come right back. It's a huge blow to the ego the day after you think you've lost them to get back on the scale and the sneaky little bastards are back, sometimes with friends. Long winded point is, you're doing great--keep it up!

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  31. Are you fucking kidding about the Wii thing? If not, that is the most goddamn horrible thing ever. I don't own one of those and likely now never ever will. Ghastly.

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  32. I'm sitting here totally upset because I came home to an empty box sitting in the middle of the sidewalk in front of my apt building that at one point held a shiny new pair of sandals.

    If I'm this upset over a pair of shoes, I can only imagine how I would feel if my blog got hacked... and I would like to say so many evil things about people who hurt other people right now, but I'll just say they suck. Big time.

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  33. A few months ago, my WP blog was constantly getting hacked - it was so annoying. I finally installed several plug-ins that seem to have thwarted attacks (I actually get emails when someone tries to hit the site with SQL injection attacks, so they are still trying).

    WP Security scan checks your set up and tells you what to fix.

    WP Firewall blocks suspicious requests.

    WP Exploit Scanner also checks holes.

    Secure Wordpress implements some security measures.

    There are a few how-to guides that include some additional measures (renaming your database files with a new prefix, not publishing from your admin account) that also help.

    Good luck!

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