I tend to like to write about fun things on Fridays, but this morning I just feel defeated.
I'm fine, things are fine. I'm just having a rough couple days.
For one thing, Promtacular.com was hacked this week. And you know what? It's taking a toll on me. Maybe this will sound stupid, but I feel violated. Someone did something mean to me and it hurt my feelings. I built something and someone's ruining it. I know it's not personal. I know it has absolutely nothing at all to do with me. It's just something that happened. But it still feels icky.
I also feel helpless. I don't understand the technical aspect of the site or Wordpress well enough to take care of business myself. I've had to rely on friends and associates to help me figure out how to resolve the issue. And my friends and associates have been more than generous with their efforts...but the site is still hacked and unreachable and no one knows why.
It's stuck. I'm stuck. I honestly don't know what more to do.
Then there's the not-so-small issue of my weight loss.
On any given day, it is easy to look at this from a glass-half-full perspective or a glass-half-empty perspective. Mostly I'm optimistic and happy and pleased to be moving forward and am coming from a glass-half-full place.
Today, not so much.
Ugh. It's just sloooooow. Even though my weight-loss has been fast by normal standards (~4 lbs a week), it still seems slow. It seems slow for how disciplined I've been. It seems slow compared to some of the other folks also on Medifast whose weight seems to be falling off them. It seems slow because I'm pretty much at the 20 lb mark and...
I've said it before but I'll say it again because it keeps surprising me: 20 pounds should be SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS.
Nothing -- absolutely nothing, including pregnancy -- has made me more acutely aware of how much I actually weigh than losing weight.
Of COURSE I know it's better to be doing it than to not be doing it. Of COURSE I know that my progress is nothing to sneeze at and if I just stick with it, I'll eventually see the changes I want to see. I know that every little bit counts.
But some days it's hard to stay motivated when I'm looking at my real goal and it is so far away.
Also, sometimes I just have to face reality.
Yes, COMPARATIVELY I look and feel a lot better than I did a couple months ago. I do! And mostly that's what I focus on. Yay!
But it is, in the end, all relative. That's the problem. (Stupid reality!) Because OBJECTIVELY I am not thin, or in good shape. I do not fit into "normal" (non-plus) sized clothing.
I have made great strides on the one hand. On the other hand, I that hilarious, techno sad trombone bump, bah-bumpa bum buuum music still plays every time I get on the Wii Fit, just before The Scale shouts, "That's OBESE!" and inflates my Mii character so that she's plump and can't fit into normal-sized Wii clothes, either.
Talk about humiliation.
I guess what I'm saying, yet again, is that it's great that I'm fitting into smaller sizes, but some days it's hard to ignore that those smaller sizes aren't actually small. They aren't even in the small hemisphere.