I'm not sure if I can describe it, and I'm not sure that you even care, but I had been stuck.
Following the big conference last July, I was on an emotional merry-go-round. I was tired and needed a break from just about everything. And then I re-calibrated and found myself preparing for the fall conferences. This, the whole "work" thing, took a lot of time and energy, and I've noticed that whenever that happens my blogging suffers -- I have no creative stamina left to write with (even though arguably, it's the time in my life when there's the most to write about).
During this time, Ish and I were having many many many many conversations about the future and marriage and kids and fertility and balancing hypotheticals and what-ifs. The future held many wonderful, scary possibilities (as it tends to do), but they were all just possibilities. Nothing was actually happening. I felt hopeful but trepidacious and absolutely stunted when it came to blogging.
And now there's so much motion!
Someone asked in my last post why we chose to do this "all" at one time, and my first thought was "Oh hey, I haven't even shared all of it yet." But the answer is that I see this as one big-picture thing. I mean, we want to be married, we want to have kids. Getting engaged was, to me (and I believe to us), a jumping off point: Yep, we're ready, let's move on to "next."
(To reiterate though, we didn't think kids was a likelihood, and we believed with good reason that conception would take months, maybe years of trying...We did NOT expect to have this happen all at once, but so what? I'd take this over the alternative any day and I am nothing but grateful.)
And so speaking of "all of this" -- the funny thing is, I don't even care about the wedding anymore.
Well okay, that's not entirely true. OF COURSE I want to have a big ole' party with everyone we care about, la la la. But far more importantly, I just wanna be married to Ish. And with a peanut on the way, the details around the wedding just don't seem to matter so much anymore.
My point here is just that I feel like after MONTHS of thinking and contemplating and wondering and not-knowingness about what's coming next, I finally know.
And I can finally blog about it.