Friday, May 16, 2008

Knee Sweat

God, I'm sexy.

San Francisco suffers from about three heat waves a year. One in the fall, September-October-ish. One in the middle of the summer. And one when no one can expect it. Sometimes it's in the middle of like February, or, as I look around my apartment at the four furry puddles that used to be my cats, it can come in the middle of May.

The first time I moved to a loft, it was a week before the October heat wave, and I learned that when the thermometers read over 90 degrees, lofts function less like "apartments" and more like "fucking convection ovens oh my holy hell."

Back in that October I was IMing with my friend, Snarky, and we spent a good 8 hours doing nothing but lamenting the heat and our spoiled spoiledness. She grew up in MODESTO which is basically the DESERT. I grew up in Connecticut where heat waves make everything wilt and you can actually feel the humidity on you at all times. A hot day in San Francisco is never as bad as a hot day in the desert or a hot day with 90% humidity, and yet.

After a few years of living in SF, you forget. And you get soft and spoiled.

So when a heat wave of this magnitude comes along, forget it. Life may as well be ending.

Snarky IMed me something along the lines of: my office is fully air conditioned, and yet I can feel my knees sweating.

That's some kind of poetry. Since then, my IT IS TOO HOT TO FUNCTION limit is gauged by knee sweat.

Ex: If you're not even moving, if you're just working and typing and sitting, and you realize your knees are sweating? That means you no longer have any responsibilities whatsoever. No one can expect anything from you. It is too hot to exist.

* * * * * * * *

Ish and I are flying to Phoenix tomorrow because, as Ish said, "We wanted to go somewhere cooler."

We'll be staying with his parents, visiting for a post-Mother's Day/his mom's birthday weekend. Should be lovely. (Except for all the stupid flying.) (BTW, can planes melt?)

It's currently 7:37 p.m. and I am not packed. I have not washed the clothes I will be packing. I have not identified the clothes to wash.

I am behind.

But laundry? Really? How can anyone be expected to do laundry during a bout of knee sweat?

* * * * * * *

Someone outside my apartment is having a party. I hope it's not my upstairs neighbor, because his parties go until well past dawn and his drunk guests go out onto his patio and throw their cigarette butts onto OUR patio, which juts out past his. This displeases me greatly. However, the music coming from the party is not random Indian dance mixes, so I'm assuming it's not him.

Seriously, it's three hundred million degrees in this Convection Loft.

And I can't open the doors or windows to the patio because the cats will go outside. They LOVE going outside. And I would be happy to let them, if our patio didn't share a wall with our Neighbor The Architect. Neighbor The Architect has a patio full of plants and trees and flowers and gorgeous furniture and pottery. Ish and Kiki have a patio full of one discarded office table and someone else's cigarette butts.

GUESS WHICH PATIO THE CATS PREFER.

Not only do they hop the wall into Neighbor The Architect's patio, they have gone so far as to CLIMB INTO HIS APARTMENT through his open windows. Yeah. Try convincing your neighbor you're not complete assholes after that.

Obviously, Ish and I need to construct or buy some sort of fence-y thing to block the cats from jumping over the wall, but we haven't managed to figure that out yet. Or buy patio furniture. So until we do --

--wait. A note about patio furniture:

WTF is up with outdoor furniture costing a fortune AND being SO DAMN UGLY? It simply must be possible to buy an outdoor dining set that doesn't look like something spawned from a mutant wicker demon. Right? That also costs less than my car? Anyone?


-- until we do, all SIX of us (that's me, Ish, Sherlock, Moriarty, Eddie and Leon) will just stare longingly at our patio space, dreaming of its sweet, cool air. And of knees that don't sweat.

16 comments:

  1. This will be my third summer in Georgia and I'm already dreading the knee sweat. That excuse doesn't work for an entire month. It sucks. On the plus side, all food besides cucumbers sounds disgusting, so I will probably never gain weight.

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  2. Planes do melt...but you have to heat 'em up real, real hot first

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  3. and I do know a guy who knows this crazy guy who has some real nice furniture

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  4. You'll have to wait until the air conditioning is back (fog), but then you can check Craig's List.

    It might be ugly, but then again, it might be FREE.

    Laura

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  5. (BTW, can planes melt?)

    Never know, but I once had to sit in a plane on the runway for an hour on a 105 degree day. I don't recommend the experience.

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  6. Just went through the patio furniture thing myself. For some reason, the nicest set of patio furniture Wal-Mart has is also the cheapest. You can only buy it in-store, not online. And it is about a quarter what other places seem to charge for patio furniture. You will need to decide where you are in your conflicted relationship with Wal-Mart, and whether you are ready for that. It took me weeks to decide that I was.

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  7. Oh my gosh, this one time (in band camp)my friend was test driving cars on the hottest day of the year and I went with her. As we waited for the guy to go get the keys I mentioned that my knees were sweating and even if it was weird she wouldn't judge me. Come to find out her knees were sweating too as do yours so I am not that weird...la di da! Have a good trip!

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  8. i feel ya, on the knee sweat. i've had plenty of my own the past couple of days.

    you're leaving just in time for the fog to return! i can see it, about a half-mile west of me, lurking... yay.

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  9. Newbie here, over from Dan's (not-updated) site. You're too funny. The bee's knees. (Whose probably sweating too. It is really hot.)

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  10. Have a great weekend in Phoenix!

    And, sorry about teh knee sweat.

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  11. Ah, knee sweat. I know it's bad when my elbows are sweaty. Then again, that's over 20 years in Florida summers and currently 3 years in Tucson summers.

    You'll probably prefer the Phoenix heat, it's dry. :)

    Have a great trip!

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  12. Re cat containment: baby gate. used. Craig's List.

    That's what my husband and I use to keep the cat on our deck.

    Re patio furniture: target. used. via Craig's List.

    Seriously, if you haunt Craig's List you can turn your patio into a beautifully furnished jungle.

    :)

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  13. forget about knee sweat.... what about boob sweat?!

    or alternately, more visible to the public and therefore much more annoying and embarrassing: the dreaded "sweat mustache" that resists and taunts swiping off by re-appearing within seconds.

    as for patio furniture...i'm right there with you. we ended up going for the walmart set that mimicks the expensive teak look, just to have it fall apart right as the summer season neared its end. resist the temptation and go for the good stuff....

    cheers!

    p.s......posting as anonymous, because it's easier, not because i have anything to hide.....

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  14. I know you didn't really mean this seriously, but I have to chime in and at least look smart. My mom worked in plant where some of the most expensive wroght iron furniture for outdoors is made.

    Her job was directly after welding. She used a piece of metal, about the size of a 12 inch ruler, maybe not quite as wide to hand sand the rough spots down so that they would be smooth. If it went to the paint department and wasn't smooth enough, they sent it back. When she had to quit a month or so ago because of cancer, she made $10 an hour. I am so not kidding.

    Now that my mom is sick, I catch myself wondering why I threw away so much stuff that would have reminded me of her. Even though we have never got along too very well, it still hurts, it still pains me to see her in the shape she is in.

    Must shut up now for fear of tears

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  15. aww I live in sac, I was hurting for the city folks last week because heat like that is a very rare phenonmemon and almost no one has air conditioning. damn freak may heat

    annnd I agree with your annoyance with outdoor furniture, its a scam

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  16. For knee sweat - the kind behind the knees...
    Put a VERY light coat of unscented spray deodorant on the back of the knees after you shower. One shot on each side. Works like a dream.

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