Thursday, March 20, 2008

Sundresses & Spring Fever - One From The Archives

I originally posted this in May of 2005.
I was thinking about it this morning, since we've had a recent run of warm, sunny weather, which means that warm-weather clothing is not far behind.
Sigh.


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so Once Upon A Time i was going to go on this whole verbal rampage about how much i hate summer because of how much i hate summer clothes, only because i cannot really wear sundresses ever because of the whole Mashed Potato Boob and ghetto booty thing i have going on (even when i weigh lots less than i do now).

and so i started trying to describe why sundresses don't work for me and my body type, but that got long and boring and blah blah blah.

"this isn't working," i said to myself, a good glass of wine or three in. there must be some way to convey the sundress issue.

"a-ha!" i thought, upon having another glass of wine, i could just draw it for you, imaginary internet friends.

this is what happens when lunatic women with imaginary internet friends are left alone with wine, a computer, and no date.

and so i did draw it.

which means that you are about to see:
  • "artistry" that is the result of someone (who has no idea how to use photoshop) using photoshop while a bit sauced

  • something i like to call "artistic license" with regard to "fashion"

  • me naked


okay.

the first thing i realized is that, in order to properly convey why i cannot wear sundresses, you need to understand why other women can.

take this "person" for example. she has a reasonable body.
where is your other arm?

sure, her hair needs a little work (in this case blond really is a sickness, whatever) and she could probably use things like arms and feet, but you get the idea. she has a body that when dressed in a pink-patterned, flowered, feminine, spaghetti-strapped sundress, looks like she should. um, like:
you need more hair

see? isn't that cute?

but that is not what i'm working with. i'm more like:
image to scale

so. when you add a cute, flouncy, frilly, feminine, flowered little sundress on top of this kind of body, you get:
give it up

and this is why i do not wear sundresses.

The End.

33 comments:

  1. LOL. Classic. Not to make light of your inability to wear sundresses, maybe if you got one tailored? Perhaps an A-Line skirt?

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  2. Those drawings? Hilarious!

    As a big chested lady, I cannot partake in the sundress. I need thick straps! I need something to hold the girls up!

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  3. a classic that's STILL hilarious...!

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  4. Your Photoshop skills leave mine in the dust!

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  5. I love it as much as I did nearly 3 years ago... I can't believe it's been that long that I've been laughing at your drawings.

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  6. Wow. Thanks for the laughs.

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  7. oh!

    I do see your quandary.

    I'm sure there are other equally sensuous.... seasonal options

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  8. and I say go with what you got.

    there is no standard of beauty to regard other than your own.

    Not mine. Not anybody elses

    Amen!

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  9. This just made my day....although i have the opposite problem I have nothing up topto fill out the cute little sundress, but i can relate to the rear end problem! Thanks for making me laugh and at the same time making me feel better that i am not alone in the whole can't wear a sundress issue!htxns

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  10. Okay, I just wandered over here through a random series of clicks, and what is the first post I see??? A woman with the EXACT same issues as moi. I have so done the mashed potato thing. And yeah, sundresses won't so much work for me either. Large boobs + large butt = large wardrobe issues.

    I'll be back again.
    Have a good day! :)

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  11. You and I have a similar body type I think. I am going for A-line babydoll tunic/shirt/things that I wear with a t-shirt underneath and jeans. Yes, might as well just wear a regular shirt and call it a day, but whatever. Oh, and Style & Co. at Macy's seems to fit well.

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  12. Hah! I loved this the first time, and I love it still! This makes me feel okay about the fact that I cannot wear dresses AT ALL. Only skirts and tops, for the very reason you describe.

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  13. This is probably my favorite post of yours from back in the day. I still reference this and pass it on to people all the time. The drawings are priceless still crack me up. Thanks!

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  14. golly! they certianly loved that post ..didn't they?

    I guess a little self deprecating humor goes a long way

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  15. Hee hee hee! Love the drawings - and I almost feel thankful for my barely-A-cup non-boobs that have no problem with the aptly-named spaghetti strap. I think I may be inspired to try and draw my own wardrobe malfunctions!

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  16. The itty-bitty strap is also a pain in the boob when you have ZERO cleavage... no bra = NUFFIN. In my case, I end up looking like:
    A. An eight-year-old, or
    B. A hoosieriffic piece of trash in my sundress with Wonderbra hangin' out.

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  17. The picture of you in the dress made me laugh and snot shot out of my nose. Nice!

    I too am always jealous of people in cute little sundresses, as I have an enormous rack and need major support for it, plus I hate my upper arms and thus will not show them in public. Wah!

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  18. change that yellow hair to red and you could have been drawing me! amazing how many of us feel that we could easily have written the same post. feel better knowing that you are not alone?

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  19. you probably already know, but in case not, there is a whole world full of men out there who like huge butts and breasts...even in summer dresses.


    never. give. a. inch.

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  20. it's trite -and I regret that- but you just gotta love who you are for who you are; because any otherwise ...your fucked.

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  21. Love yourself for your heart and your mind.... and the body may tag along.

    lemme know

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  22. I love it when your posts include renderings!

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  23. It's so nice to know I'm not the only one...

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  24. YEAH. I remember this one from the way back, too - i identified then. I still do.
    Ugh. Stupid sun dresses.

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  25. you have changed my life. i no longer wish i had big girls.


    great drawings; i think her hair looks GREAT!

    and hooray for self deprecating humor!

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  26. Drunk photoshopping. I love it. Excellent practical rendering of wardrobe malfunction.

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  27. Ah, yes - summertime. Time to get half naked and show everyone even more of my boobs than I normally do. Those flirty summer dresses just don't work on me either! I always end up feeling a bit obscene instead of cute and airy.

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  28. women are better obscene and heard.... I just couldn't resist.

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  29. i seriously love you and your writing and your sundress drawings!!!

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