My Interview With The Food Network*

Following the Kerry-Vincent-hair-spinning-cake-kerfuffle (aka "That Time I Was Blogger Almost-Famous, Again. For Like, Two Almost-Seconds.")(HERE IS A LINK IN CASE YOU MISSED IT. HINT: READ THE COMMENTS), I was contacted** by a member of The Food Network's PR team. Apparently, immediately following this blog incident, ratings plummeted for all Food Network Challenge shows. When the PR folks looked into the matter, they ascertained that their sudden, dramatic drop in viewership was due to my unfairly critical blog post about Ms. Vincent's headband.

Before I knew it, I was having a phone interview with someone who was supposed to be asking me about my blog, something-something publicity, but who was clearly out for blood and was also quite possibly President of the Kerry Vincent fan club.

This is what transpired.*** I have only JUST gotten around to publishing it, because every word is really critical and thus, this is possibly one of the most important interviews you'll read this year.


Food Network PR Rep: Thanks for taking the time to talk to me today, Kristy. So let me just jump in here and ask: Kristy, why do you blog anonymously?

ME: Uh...I don't...I'm...Didn't you just call me by my--

FNPR: Oh, it happens all the time. You know, we read a lot of blogs where people have to take their opinion online, under the cloak of invisibility, because they feel they have no voice in their real life. Would it be fair to say that's what's happened here?

ME: Invisibility? Not really. I mean, I don't think--

FNPR: Funny you should say that. I have a quote here from one of the commenters on your post who calls you out for that very thing. How you don't "think." She writes, "You, My Dear, are a prime example of what's wrong with many of our youth today, all talk and no brain, with which to create those thoughts. You express them on your blog, code for: "I can't talk publicly, so I'm going to hide online and vent to cover my embarrassment for a lack of the basic social skills."

Kristy, have you always lacked basic social skills?

ME: I wouldn't say that at all.

FNPR: Uh huh. So the "anti-social blogger"...that's just a myth?

ME: I think there are anti-social bloggers, I'm just not one of them, exactly.

FNPR: What about pajamas?

ME: What?

FNPR: Basement-dweller?

ME: I'm not in a basement...

FNPR: Well, then, let me ask you this: Are you a Harry Potter fan?

ME: Sure, I'm a fan of Harry Potter.

FNPR: Uh huh. And are you wearing pajamas right now?

ME: It's 11 o'clock at night.

FNPR: That's not what I asked.

ME: Yes, I am in pajamas right now.

FNPR: Exactly. Exactly the point. Moving on: Would you say you hate Kerry Vincent more or less than Hitler?

ME: What? Kerry Vincent? I thought you were asking me about Harry Potter. I don't hate Kerry Vincent! I don't even know her!

FNPR: And yet you pretend to know her for the sake of lying to your readers.

ME: I never pretended to know her. I just wrote about how I don't understand why she plays a mean judge, or why the cakes have to spin--

FNPR: So you admit you don't know the first thing about her?

ME: You mean aside from the headband?

FNPR: ...and YET you feel completely justified in castigating her character and writing an entire post about her lack of humanity.

ME: I didn't write about her lack of humanity, I wrote about her hairspray!

FNPR: WELL WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE HER DO? LEAVE THE SICK CHILDREN ALONE TO DIE?

ME: What are you-- WHAT sick children?

FNPR: [loud sigh] Honestly, what you don't know could fill a THOUSAND blogs. [pause] I direct you to a comment by another Kerry Vincent fan who writes: "Did you know the reason she keeps her hair short is because she and her husband fly their plane for Angel Flights? They go at the drop of a hat to transport critically ill people to hospitals for emergency treatment."

Certainly, Kristy, you must feel SOME shame now, knowing what kind of person she is?

ME: I...I'm at a loss here.

FNPR: I'm not surprised. [pause; shuffling of papers] Why do you think your readers hate cake so much? Do you think you had something to do with it? Are they that easily led down your idiot path?

ME: No one hates cake. I don't think my readers hate cake. I don't hate cake! I love cake!

FNPR: [laughing] Oh, right, of course. You love cake, you just harbor deep-seated contempt for spectacular cakes.

ME: I'm certain I don't have contempt for cakes of any kind. I'm not clear on the reason cakes need to be 6 feet tall and resemble cartoon characters and spit fire, but I don't hate cake. That's like saying I hate kids.

FNPR: Well, now that you mention it, when WAS the last time you and your husband -- assuming, that is, that he exists and isn't a figment of your basement-dwelling, pajama-addled imagination -- flew your jet on an angel mission?

ME: We-- I don't...um. We don't have a plane?

FNPR: So your answer is never?

ME: It's...no...I mean, yes...I don't...

FNPR: You're aware, are you not, that being a cake judge is an incredibly difficult job?

ME: I'm sure that it is.

FNPR: Do you buy sheet cakes at Costco?

ME: What has that got to do with anything?

FNPR: I'm just trying to establish your credibility in terms of judging cakes, or shows about cakes, or cake judges.

ME: I dunno. I wouldn't underestimate the Costco cake. I don't care much for their giant muffins, but their cakes are fine as far as I know. Ooh! And their ravioli. They have great ravioli.

FNPR: [makes a tut-tut sound.] Can we stick to the point please? And what about your hair?

ME: I'm sorry? We were making a point about my hair?

FNPR: That is YOU in that picture on your blog's sidebar, yes?

ME: Yes.

FNPR: Do you have any idea how unsanitary your cake would be?

ME: Uns--

FNPR: I bring your attention to the commenter who pointed out, quite rightly, that "If cake decorators wore their hair like you we would all have 'Hairy Cakes'."

ME: That sounds like a good name for a band. Hairy Cakes. Actually, you know what? No it doesn't. It sounds gross.

FNPR: AH-HA! SO YOU ADMIT YOU WOULD WEAR YOUR HAIR LIKE KERRY VINCENT'S IN ORDER TO MAKE A CAKE?

ME: No one wants a hairy cake.

FNPR: Do you have ANY IDEA what kind of artistry goes into Ms. Vincent's headbands?

ME: I think we've established that my version of artistry is not on par with your version of artistry.

FNPR: [shuffling papers] That's certainly true. I mean, allow me to quote from yet another real cake fan. She writes, "Your series of type-written words expressing YOUR opinion, are neither art nor consequential to the well-being of society."

ME: Not consequential to the well-being of society? Did you see how I had that picture of the Sham-Wow guy? Come ON.

FNPR: [silence] I think we're done here.






*Absolutely none of this actually happened.
**No, I wasn't.
***No, it didn't.