The Perfect Man: A List

I don't know if you're watching Jersey Shore. I have you assume you are, though, because I cannot for the life of me figure out why anyone wouldn't be.

Actually, well, wait.

FIRST OF ALL, I find Jerseylicious the single most compelling show on television for reasons I cannot begin to fathom.  It's kind of like Jersey Shore, but with fewer STDs and more animal prints, and all set against a backdrop of a hair salon, so there's some vague purpose for the cast to exist.

Also, Jerseylicious provides you with a widget that allows you to Jerse-a-cize yourself, which makes it win.


Please click on that photo and Jersey yourself up and then leave me a link in comments and I'll post all the images. (Let me know if you want me to link to your blog/site if you do!)

But anyway. Back to Jersey Shore.

Every time anyone on the show opens his or her mouth, it's pretty much the worst thing you've ever heard anyone say, ever. Not one substantive thing has been uttered by any of the cast, and that is the whole point. Society? Hell? Handbasket? Yes. Yes. Yes. But man, is that ever one sparkly basket!

On the last episode, Snooki was lamenting (uh, my word, not hers) her lack of boyfriend, and so she decided to make a list of the kind of guy she's looking for. Ostensibly (me again) on the idea that if you put your wants out into the universe, the universe will provide.

I wish I'd had Snooki around when I was single-and-looking. Imagine how much help this list could have been! Online dating profile? IT HAS ALREADY BEEN WRITTEN. 

Dear Invisible Internet Friends, if YOU are single, your search has just gotten easier. Because I now present to you the things Snooki, our Everywoman, wants to find in a man. I daresay the list is even in order of importance:
  1. Tan
  2. Guido
  3. Juicehead
  4. Gorilla
  5. Big sense of humor
  6. Likes to party
  7. Fistpumps and frolics
  8. Isn’t a jerk-off
  9. A dork at heart
  10. Smells good
  11. Pays for meals
  12. Nympho
  13. Likes pickles
  14. Takes an interest into my hobbies
  15. Not so serious
  16. Protective
  17. Romantical
  18. Likes to sleep in
You come to this blog looking for advice, right? Well, much like the universe, I'm here to provide.


  1. love both of those shows! i tried the jerseylicify me but i cant find any pictures of me without bangs so they all look silly but how fun! i love how snooki would wants a guy to like pickles more than she wants him to enjoy the things she likes to do. and i dont even know what half of the other things are. juicehead? gorilla?

  2. Wow, this is glorious.

    Normal me:

    Jerseylicious me:

    Obviously, I should move to Jersey and start working the Bad Katy Perry Impersonator circuit.


  3. The fact that intelligence isn't listed as a desirable trait anywhere in numbers 1-18 makes Baby Jesus cry.

  4. Words cannot describe my reaction to my Jerseylicious self. Maybe it would have turned out better if I hadn't been clutching a plant dejectedly in lab lighting.

  5. Hahaha This just made my day! As a recently single woman myself its good to see that someone prioritized qualities I should be looking for in a new man (HA!)

    But anyway, This just made me giggle :)

  6. that's just too fun for words. :)

  7. Being that I live in Jersey, how could I resist?

    Me, in my Romantical Look:

    My blog:

    At least Snooki knows what she wants.

  8. How did you get your lips to look like that? When I tried to make my Jerseylicious picture my lips came out really pale!

    PS. Really liking pickles would be like #1 on my perfect man list.

  9. OMG, it's like Snooki looked into my SOUL when she made that list.

    (Snorks as tries unsucessfully to contain laughter.)

    Dear God, I hope that if there IS such a fellow, she finds him and takes him off the market, thus keeping anyone else from encountering him.

  10. "Takes an interest into my hobbies."
    Swear to God, I read "takes an interest in my bobbies."

    You know what makes "Jersey Shore" even better (yes, it is possible.)?

    You and Joel McHale.

  11. AHAHAHAHAHA!!! So much good!!

    Oh yes, you can post that!

    Though I'm mostly worried by how not "off" it seems.

  12. I'm a little disappointed, because after going through the whole Jerseylicious process, my picture looks exactly the same! With just the name of the show over my head.

    Big-Haired Jersey Girl (the actual name of my blog) -

  13. Vinny has all of those! I think she should just sleep with him some more.

  14. I don't know, I think some of that list is pretty valid, but I also think that #s 1, 3, 4, 6, 7 are pretty well covered by #2. :P

  15. You're damn right I'll put on make hair and too much eyeliner!

  16. Wow, the makeup wasn't in the right spots on my face (But then I have deepset eyes and very thin lips)

    So her list is just about what I'd expect Snooki to want. It's so hilarious that it hasn't occured to her that top on her list should be, "Makes enough money so that I still never have to work" Hilarious!

  17. Romantical? If she really said that, I will totally start watching that show.

  18. It's a shame what this world has come to when THESE shows are the fine example of good television? They are both appalling!

  19. i watch this show. only recently..i was totally against it until i started. for real.

    mom loves the situation cus of dancing with the stars. i dont think shed like him if she watched the show!

  20. Oh dear, this is just too funny. I'll bookmark this in case I'm ever single again, thank you. In honor of finally adding your blog to my reader I've jerseylicioused myself (is that the right spelling?) Have yet to watch the show. Ugh, not sure I can keep it up there.

  21. My ideal man is somewhat protective, romantical and smells good. I hope I can find it now. Thank you for the great list. I haven't watched the show but I hope I can make it. It surely a nice show.


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