Did you know that on the Twitter iPad app, when you go to look at someone's profile, there's now a gorgeous piece of code that adds: "Similar to kristysf"? And then it gives you a list of celebrity and non-celebrity people on Twitter who are likened to you? By some flawless algorithm?
So, yeah. People who aren't following me on Twitter? You're stupid. Because you know who I am EXACTLY LIKE?
Like, okay. LovelyButton is someone named Sarah from Michigan. I don't know or follow her, I don't think anyone I know is following her, she doesn't have a blog, and so, whatever.
She Tweets a lot about having fun and has a delightfully loose grasp of things like spelling and grammar. Example:
Naturally, she has over 30,000 followers.
So when you're all, Um, Kristy? LovelyButton is nothing like you, I can be like, SHHHHH. You don't know what you're talking about. I Tweet about having fun ALL THE TIME, and I ALSO have a zillionteen more followers than I deserve.
And then you might point out that Sarah once Tweeted that she "wants fried chicken" but is "going to work out instead" and then you might say, "YOU HAVE NEVER DONE THAT IN YOUR LIFE." And I would be all, FINE. THIS BUTTON GIRL ISN'T IMPORTANT, LET'S MOVE ON TO JOEL MCHALE.
And THEN I would be all, Joel Fucking McHale, bitches! Just because he gets paid to be funny on television doesn't mean his tweets are better. And you know what? Twitter knows it. Do you think Joel McHale looks at his "Similar to joelmchale" list and thinks, "Crap. They're catching on to Kristy's hilarity. I'd better continue to ignore her before she gets snapped up by The Soup."
You bet your ass he does.
Next we have Pink and frankly, I don't have enough time to explain all the ways in which Pink and I are similar. Lord knows that when I've envisioned writing my #1 singles, I include lyrics about kicking ass and punching people in the face. And that's just where our similarities begin.
As for Oprah? Well, come on. I mean, did you miss my tweets about that time I gave a woman with missing limbs a new house?
And finally, Twitter is sophisticated enough to have used avatar-recognition software, right? Because everyone's always telling me how Taylor Swift and I could be sisters. Twitter's just gone and made it official.