Oh, hey! This is post #801.
The last few weeks have been, shall we say, "emotionally tumultuous." When I don't post with any regularity, it's because I feel drained. I love writing more than anything, and blogging is the best outlet I've ever had: if I'm not blogging, it's because I am out of juice.
Work has been difficult, for lots of very understandable reasons, but it's been something of a roller coaster. If you don't know, BlogHer was planning on a two-week long Tour. The Tour was to begin mid-October, and include SIX conferences in six different cities. And sure, that's stressful in itself. But, for lots of reasons (reasons that took much, much research and discussion), BlogHer has decided to only host conferences in the first two cities. You can read the official statement here. So yeah. Roller coaster.
And then there's the health stuff. Thank you so much for all your comments in my previous post. Some days I absolutely think, "Whatever. I'll worry about this when I actually need to." But other parts of me say that I need to worry now, because maybe there's something I can do about it. I just want as much information as I can get.
I do know that going down the what-if path is stupid, and really? It's not like me. I am definitely a forge ahead kinda gal. However. When my mother was sick, my therapist said I was doing a lot of "preperatory grieving." It was as though I was trying to get the grieving over with as soon as possible, even before she passed away. (Because I have one helluva defense mechanism.) (P.S. Didn't work that well, but it did help some.) The point is, if it turns out that I can't have kids, I will grieve. And I can prep myself for that a little bit now.
Of course there's a balance. I don't (and won't) walk around steeped in grief needlessly. But on occasion, I get to say, Shit, what if... Because I'm human and that's just how it's going to be.
Ish and I were in Arizona this past weekend. His grandmother recently passed away, and -- because his grandmother explicitly stated she wanted no formal service of any kind -- his family got together to reminisce and toast and look at photo albums and tell stories and cry and laugh. (Um, and play a surprising amount of Wii. Note: I had my ass handed to me in Wii bowling by a four-year-old who couldn't even keep score. "I got FOUR strikes, and you only got TWO strikes, so I am WINNING!")
It was really special. Also, emotional. I felt privileged to be included in the events, and appreciated getting to visit a different part of Arizona and learn about a whole new part of Ish's family.
All of this is to say, I haven't had much left (time or emotion) to write with. This last month has involved flying to the East Coast for my sister's wedding, flying to Arizona for Ish's grandmother's funeral, a weird health issue/scare, and a huge shift at work.
A long time ago, I asked you to please let me know what (uh, if anything) you'd actually like me to write more about. Sometimes when I feel I've gotten off track and lost my footing -- like now -- I'm not really sure how to get back on. I suspect I've written enough about my uterus for the time being. Probably enough tearful entries, too. So seriously. I don't totally know where to go from here, but I can promise you that if you make a suggestion for a blog entry, I'll take you up on it.
What do you think?