Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Lite Rock, Less Talk

The local Lite Rock station here, K-O-I-T, has that universal lite-rock station slogan ("lite rock, less talk") which is wholly amusing to me because I'm not sure that KOIT does any "rocking" whatsoever.

ACDC's You Shook Me is rock. Barbara Streisand's My Grown Up Christmas List is so NOT rock, not even of the "lite" variety, I don't even know where to begin.

But you know, that's okay. Because throughout the month of December, KOIT plays Christmas music 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and I cannot help but love it. Not the songs themselves -- most of them are seriously dreadful -- but that there is a radio station doing such a thing. It helps when I've had a REALLY NOT GOOD FEW DAYS to turn on the radio and hear nothing but jingling schmaltz emanating from my dashboard.

I have several more posts coming, but for now, hurrah! The Holiday Season is here!

And in the meantime...

I'm taking a poll:
WHAT IS THE WORST CHRISTMAS SONG EVER RECORDED?


It can be a specific song, specific rendition, specific album, or even artist.

There are just so many to pick from HOW WILL YOU CHOOSE???

Personally, I was going to say that Jessica Simpson's rendition of "Let it Snow" made my ears bleed and Dear God Why did such a trashy thing have to happen to such a fine Christmas Standard, but I got sidetracked by what is, actually, the WORST Christmas song I have ever heard.

And it isn't the muzack version of Feliz Navidad. Or some screechy pious children's choir.

No.

It is what started off sounding like...like...a classic? But --

how could I have never heard this song before?

Right there on my commute home this song that sounded all Dean Martin-esque and swingy began, and I wondered what it could be. And then I learned it was a song called "Christmas in San Francisco"!

Where have you been all my life!!??!! I exclaimed in my jubilant, caroling heart as the first verse began.

And perhaps you, too, at your computer are wondering why it is you've never heard this splendid song.

Well, I will give you two words why not: barbecued pork.

I do not know who in their right mind could ever, EVER include the words "barbecued pork" in a CHRISTMAS CAROL, but someone did.

Oh yes they did.

Go ahead and download the godawful thing on iTunes if you dare, but honestly -- the song goes from charming and quaint to downright unmelodic and HORRIFYINGLY BAD in about 28 seconds.

Which is why it gets my vote for worst Christmas song ever recorded.

Your turn!


Christmas In San Francisco Lyrics*

(*I could not find these online anywhere, so I hope you appreciate that I went and downloaded some lameass RE-RECORDED version of it, and transcribed it below. I note that Russ (the re-recorder(!?!?!?) in question) has updated the barbecued pork bit. The song still sucks, though, as follows.)

Christmas in San Francisco
What a lovely place to be
Seeing the hills being all lit up
Like a diamond Christmas tree

(Ed note: This makes no sense. The hills are full of trees that are being "lit up" because they ARE Christmas trees. Thus, translated, this is saying that Christmas trees are being lit up like Christmas trees.)

Hearing children singing carols
People come from everywhere
To sing along with the children
Standing all around Union Square

(Ed note: this is painfully bad writing.)

Christmas in San Francisco
Looking like some wonderland
People with gifts in the crispy air
Giving Old Saint Nick a hand

Let's get some tea in Chinatown
Take in some jazz on Fillmore

(Ed. note: WHOA. There was NO jazz on Fillmore in the version I heard on KOIT. No. It was something about Chinatown with its LYCHEE NUTS AND BARBECUED PORK. I could not make that up if I tried.)

What can you say about the Golden Gate
That hasn't been said before?

(Ed. note: Lazy.)

Christmas in San Francisco
There is no place quite so dear
It's the closest thing to heaven
How I wish that you were here

(Ed. note: Huh? So this is a love song? Who is "you"? And still, if this is a love song, why is there PORK? WTF is going ON???)

What can you say about the Golden Gate
That hasn't been said before?

(Ed. note: Really? So you don't bother to write lyrics about the Golden Gate because they've been written before, but you have no problem asking the same question, even though you asked it before like, 9 seconds ago?)

Christmas in San Francisco
There is no place quite so dear
It's the closest thing to heaven
How I wish that you were here


(Ed. note: Oh, good grief.)


33 comments:

  1. I heard that song on the way home the other day! I got sucked into it, feeling all warm and fuzzy, which soon turned to faint feelings of 'eh.' Despite this, I did listen to the entire thing, and then read your post about it, and am now taking time out of my day to respond to your post. So, guess it must have some kind of remnant charm.
    P.S. Also love the KOIT carol month, it reminds me of home in New England.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You know, I'm tempted by some Chipmunks or "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer," but for me, Stevie Nicks singing "Silent Night" is just the worst. She sounds EXACTLY like Elmer Fudd - and not in a good way.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I listen to 96.5 KOIT too, even though a lot/most of the songs are unbearable I make myself listen because I need to "soak in the Christmas spirit". Anyway, yes, I have heard Christmas in San Francisco and it is God awful! However a close second is "I'm putting my love on layaway" by Gloria Estefan-absolutely awful!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh my gosh, I HATE "Hard Candy Christmas" by Dolly Parton. (Pardon? I don't know.) It used to be on the Christmas playlist at the restaurant I work in, and everyone hated it so intensely the owner finally took it off last year. Just writing this made me hear it a little in my head, and now I think my ears are bleeding. HORRIBLE.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I found the version with the lychee nuts and the barbecured boar over at this address.

    http://ashley.yichi.org/archives/1065

    You can even listen to it :-)

    ReplyDelete
  6. http://home.quicknet.nl/qn/prive/avangalen/populair/lastchristmas.htm

    Yeah, I hate this song.

    ReplyDelete
  7. bwahh hahahah
    Thanks for the link Cathy!
    Ascap's database is great for stuff like this. Check out the other gems that Tony Romano is responsible for.
    I note that I'm Pinocchio Fr the Advent was written with Morey Amsterdam and for some mysterious reason never performed.

    http://www.ascap.com/ace/search.cfm?requesttimeout=300&mode=results&searchstr=7989600&search_in=c&search_type=exact&search_det=t,s,w,p,b,v&results_pp=10&start=1

    dana

    ReplyDelete
  8. Madonna's version of "Santa Baby."
    Truly horrible!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I love cheesy christmas music, but even I have to draw the line.
    I have 2 songs I hate:

    Angels in the Snow - Kenny Loggins - a family making a scene just like a Christmas card, I don't know what to say because I am trying to keep down the vomit

    Christmas Shoes - Newsong - yeah that's it, god made this little boy and his family suffer and then place him in line next to you just so YOU could reflect and realize not everyone is as fortunate as you ... egotistical prick

    T

    ReplyDelete
  10. I really don't care for much X-mas music but cats singing Silent Night is pretty bad. Merry Christmas (War is Over) with the whiny children's choir singing the chorus makes me want to puke. I feel sort of bad hating on something John Lennon wrote but the song sucks. Brady Bunch singing Jingle Bells is about annoying as it gets.

    My new favorite holiday song is Hannukah in Santa Monica by Tom Lehrer, just heard it for the first time on Tuesday on the radio. I found it especially endearing because my friends and I have been celebrating Nonukah in Santa Monica for the past few years. Great lyrics, I especially love the way he rhymes “Yom Kippah” with “Mississippah”.

    ReplyDelete
  11. "Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo" is THE worst Christmas song ever.

    ReplyDelete
  12. The one that makes me want to cry, (tears of pain, not joy,) It "Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul McCartney. The song is utter crap, and tormented me from Thanksgiving to New Year's when I was working retail.

    ReplyDelete
  13. K- if you want some good Christmas tunes while at your computer, not in your car... check out this!

    ReplyDelete
  14. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I whole-heartedly agree with you! My husband (then boyfriend) and I bought a house together about 2 years ago and were doing last minute kitchen backsplash re-tiling before our housewarming/christmas party, and thought it'd be sweet to do it to christmas music. So we did, and it was wonderful. But when we heard this song on KOIT, both of us just about died. "What can you say about the golden gate that hasn't been said before"?!?!?! WTF?? I still curse up a storm whenever I chance upon this song. I thought maybe San Franciscans would feel differently. Glad to see that's not the case. A bad song's a bad song no matter what, I guess.

    Thanks for the laughs,

    Jenny in San Jose

    ReplyDelete
  16. oh how i hate (with the white hot passion of a thousand suns) the craptastic song that is simply having a wonderful christmastime.
    hate mccartney to this day because of that fucken song.

    although i love the dominick the christmas donkey song and everyone i know hates it.
    chingity ching. eee aww, eee aww!

    ReplyDelete
  17. I have heard a version of this sung by Vic Damone and actually, it is so painfully, embarrassinly bad that I kind of enjoy it. I think there is a point when something can be so awful that it's almost an achievement, you know?
    One I hate is "The Little Boy That Santa Clause Forgot" - usually sung by Nat King Cole.
    http://nat-king-cole-the-little-boy-that-santa--lyrics-mp3.kohit.net/_/61164
    This so is incredibly depressing, My favorite lines are:

    I'm so sorry for that laddie,
    He hasn't got a daddy

    ReplyDelete
  18. We had to sing a song in my fourth grade choir which I haven't heard since called "Jazzy Jinglin' Bells." I still remember the words, "Just hear those J-A-Z-Z-YYYYYYYY jinglin' bells! Uh-ding-dong-DING!" Who makes fourth graders sing something like that?
    Come to think of it, I haven't heard that song since, so many one of the music teachers made it up.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I have to second anonymous with the hatred of Christmas Shoes. I f-ing HATE that song, probably more than any song ever written, Christmas or otherwise. It makes me want to throw up.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I have to go with "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer". Oh, I just hate it with such passion.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I found the original lyrics :)

    http://www.sfheart.com/Songs/index.html

    Christmas in San Francisco
    What a lovely place to be
    Seeing the hills being all lit up
    Like a diamond Christmas tree
    Hearing children singing carols
    People come from everywhere
    To sing along with the children
    Standing all around Union Square

    Christmas in San Francisco
    Looking like some fairy land
    People with gifts in the crispy air
    Giving old Saint Nick a hand

    Let's take a peek in Chinatown
    Eating lychee nuts and barbecued boar
    What can you say about the Golden Gate
    That hasn't been said before

    Christmas in San Francisco
    There is no place quite so dear
    It's the closest thing to heaven
    How I wish that you were here.

    What can you say about the Golden Gate
    That hasn't been said before
    Christmas in San Francisco
    There is no place quite so dear
    It's the closest thing to heaven
    How I wish that you were here

    BTW, LOVE your blog!

    ReplyDelete
  22. I think I'm going to go with Tiny Tim's version of "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer", which is available
    (along with many other unbearable Christmas tunes)
    on "A John Waters Christmas".

    ReplyDelete
  23. I have never ever heard that song. But barbecued pork? Hilarious.

    Along those lines, you should listen to The Pogues "Fairytale of New York." But I don't think it's the worst for its lyrics, but incredibly fantastic. Seriously, Christmas Eve in the drunk tank, "you're an old slut on junk." It doesn't get better.

    Check it out http://www.lyricsfreak.com/p/pogues/fairytale+of+new+york_20109730.html

    Download now!

    ReplyDelete
  24. "Christmas In The Stars" by C3PO. Ear-bleedingly horrible.

    In case you've never heard of the Star Wars Christmas special, it's this horrendous mess produced in the 70's (80's?) with the Star Wars characters inexplicably singing songs and celebrating a religious/cultural holiday that has nothing to do with their history or culture.

    And very very badly too.

    I found an Mp3 here:

    http://tinyurl.com/2wmfug

    HAH! Beat THAT for cheesiness!

    ReplyDelete
  25. I agree with botanylicious...the worst song I ever learned had to be a few of the ones I was forced to learn in school... I had one teacher who was obsessed with "Once Upon a December" from the cartoon Anastasia. Not a Christmas song, but all around awful when you have to sing it at Christmas.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I wasn't sure what song to designate "the worst", because there seems to be so many!

    But this morning when I was in Pier 1 buying a Christmas gift, I heard it - - John Lennon/Yoko Ono's song, "Merry Christmas/War is Over" . . .

    THAT is my nomination for the worst Christmas song! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  27. I was in the car the other day and I heard this song and I was totally WTF! It is perhaps not only the worst Christmas song ever written, but flat out the worst song ever! I was very amused with the pork and lychee nuts bit, and the line about the Golden Gate Bridge was too funny.

    As a gay man, I can whole heartedly tell you, this is the GAYEST Christmas song ever.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I wasn't sure about which song would be the worse, but upon reading the comments I will have to third the motion for "Christmas Shoes." So bad, those people should possibly be shot.

    ReplyDelete
  29. No, the worst is Dominic the Italian Donkey (look for it on YouTube). Whiskey.Tango.Foxtrot?

    ReplyDelete
  30. but i love pork...

    and nothing could be worse than the little drummer boy. pa rum pa fucking shut up.

    or the twelve days. gaaaah!

    both songs make me want to hurt people.

    ReplyDelete
  31. A fourth vote for the horrible "Christmas Shoes" song. It makes me feel somewhat stabby.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I listen to KOIT as well and I heard a song yesterday that went a little something like this, "It's Christmas once again in San Francisco, there is not a snowflake to be found" but I cannot figure out who sings it for the life of me. Do you by any chance know of this song? :)

    ReplyDelete