Lite Rock, Less Talk

The local Lite Rock station here, K-O-I-T, has that universal lite-rock station slogan ("lite rock, less talk") which is wholly amusing to me because I'm not sure that KOIT does any "rocking" whatsoever.

ACDC's You Shook Me is rock. Barbara Streisand's My Grown Up Christmas List is so NOT rock, not even of the "lite" variety, I don't even know where to begin.

But you know, that's okay. Because throughout the month of December, KOIT plays Christmas music 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and I cannot help but love it. Not the songs themselves -- most of them are seriously dreadful -- but that there is a radio station doing such a thing. It helps when I've had a REALLY NOT GOOD FEW DAYS to turn on the radio and hear nothing but jingling schmaltz emanating from my dashboard.

I have several more posts coming, but for now, hurrah! The Holiday Season is here!

And in the meantime...

I'm taking a poll:

WHAT IS THE WORST CHRISTMAS SONG EVER RECORDED?

It can be a specific song, specific rendition, specific album, or even artist.

There are just so many to pick from HOW WILL YOU CHOOSE???

Personally, I was going to say that Jessica Simpson's rendition of "Let it Snow" made my ears bleed and Dear God Why did such a trashy thing have to happen to such a fine Christmas Standard, but I got sidetracked by what is, actually, the WORST Christmas song I have ever heard.

And it isn't the muzack version of Feliz Navidad. Or some screechy pious children's choir.

No.

It is what started off sounding like...like...a classic? But --

how could I have never heard this song before?

Right there on my commute home this song that sounded all Dean Martin-esque and swingy began, and I wondered what it could be. And then I learned it was a song called "Christmas in San Francisco"!

Where have you been all my life!!??!! I exclaimed in my jubilant, caroling heart as the first verse began.

And perhaps you, too, at your computer are wondering why it is you've never heard this splendid song.

Well, I will give you two words why not: barbecued pork.

I do not know who in their right mind could ever, EVER include the words "barbecued pork" in a CHRISTMAS CAROL, but someone did.

Oh yes they did.

Go ahead and download the godawful thing on iTunes if you dare, but honestly -- the song goes from charming and quaint to downright unmelodic and HORRIFYINGLY BAD in about 28 seconds.

Which is why it gets my vote for worst Christmas song ever recorded.

Your turn!

Christmas In San Francisco Lyrics*

(*I could not find these online anywhere, so I hope you appreciate that I went and downloaded some lameass RE-RECORDED version of it, and transcribed it below. I note that Russ (the re-recorder(!?!?!?) in question) has updated the barbecued pork bit. The song still sucks, though, as follows.)

Christmas in San Francisco
What a lovely place to be
Seeing the hills being all lit up
Like a diamond Christmas tree

(Ed note: This makes no sense. The hills are full of trees that are being "lit up" because they ARE Christmas trees. Thus, translated, this is saying that Christmas trees are being lit up like Christmas trees.)

Hearing children singing carols
People come from everywhere
To sing along with the children
Standing all around Union Square

(Ed note: this is painfully bad writing.)

Christmas in San Francisco
Looking like some wonderland
People with gifts in the crispy air
Giving Old Saint Nick a hand

Let's get some tea in Chinatown
Take in some jazz on Fillmore

(Ed. note: WHOA. There was NO jazz on Fillmore in the version I heard on KOIT. No. It was something about Chinatown with its LYCHEE NUTS AND BARBECUED PORK. I could not make that up if I tried.)

What can you say about the Golden Gate
That hasn't been said before?

(Ed. note: Lazy.)

Christmas in San Francisco
There is no place quite so dear
It's the closest thing to heaven
How I wish that you were here

(Ed. note: Huh? So this is a love song? Who is "you"? And still, if this is a love song, why is there PORK? WTF is going ON???)

What can you say about the Golden Gate
That hasn't been said before?

(Ed. note: Really? So you don't bother to write lyrics about the Golden Gate because they've been written before, but you have no problem asking the same question, even though you asked it before like, 9 seconds ago?)

Christmas in San Francisco
There is no place quite so dear
It's the closest thing to heaven
How I wish that you were here

(Ed. note: Oh, good grief.)