Wednesday, December 12, 2007

I Beg To Differ

Holiday madness and hilarity abound this Christmas season.

I don't know if you saw in the comments below, but "caligirl" mentioned she heard this song on KOIT that goes "It's Christmas once again in San Francisco" and wondered if I knew of it. And no, thankfully, I did not.

But then this morning's commute turned that around. There I was, bopping along down 280, enjoying a full hour of uninterrupted Christmas music when, lo, it started.

Apparently the song is actually called, "It's Christmas Once Again in San Francisco," and it is sung by a man named Barry De Vorzon (yeah, and I'm every bit as surprised as you are that he has a Wikipedia entry), who is obsessed with proving just how Christmassy it is in San Francisco even though there's no snow here.

In fact, the longer the song goes on the more it becomes very clear that Barry has quite a chip on his shoulder about the whole SF/no-snow situation. As though the whole world (ESPECIALLY Christmas cards, those mofos) has been giving him a really hard time about it (Neener neener, there's no snow in San Francisco! Hahahaha! San Francisco sucks at having Christmas!) and he's sick and tired of it and going to fight for San Francisco's holiday reputation the only way he knows how: by writing a song with passive aggressive lyrics.

(Of course, I couldn't find those lyrics online, but I did find a delightful sample of the song, which you can hear right here.)

And if you choose not to listen to the sample (pussy) then I will tell you, the chorus goes:

It's Christmas once again in San Francisco
And there is not a snowflake to be found
No sleigh rides,
No snowmen

Like you see on the Christmas cards
Oh, but we got a lot of Christmas in our hearts

Sure, Barry later points out, there's snow "back East," but WE? WE have Christmas IN OUR HEARTS, SUCKAHS!

Oh, oh! And if THAT isn't enough? And you're still all like, But it's not CHRISTMAS without SNOW, Barry goes on to remind us THERE WASN'T SNOW IN BETHLEHEM TWO THOUSAND YEARS AGO, biotch!

Zing!

(Plus see how "ago" rhymes with "snow"?)

Anyway, Barry makes some good points I guess, but I'm still not sure where his attitude comes from.

This is Barry. Barry claims he's totally over snow,
but I don't think he's really being honest with himself.


I'm no expert, of course, but if I had to guess I'd say that Barry's definitely a snomosexual.

I love Christmastime!

Today I saw this ad online:

Which has got to be up there as maybe the worst Christmas ad of all time.

For starters, let's discuss the copy. I don't know why this company decided to use the word "Holiday" instead of "Christmas" because I think all semblance of PC-ness went out the window when they selected the inexplicably GIANT Christmas ornament for the background image.

But more importantly, let's consider the underlying message here:
Hey, you know how you were going to buy your kids a Wii for Christmas this year? Yeah, well WHAT IF YOU DIE?

THEN WHAT WILL THE KIDS DO WITH A Wii? HOW WILL THEY PLAY FAKE TENNIS IF THEY HAVE NO HOME BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T AFFORD THE MORTGAGE AFTER YOU DIED AND LEFT THEM NOTHING BUT A VIDEO CONSOLE? YOU ARE THE WORST PARENT EVER!!!!!

And then I like to think of the flip side of this. Say you, as a horribly misguided parent, DO decide to get your kids the "greatest holiday gift of all" [sic]. How would THAT Christmas morning go?

scene

The kids would wake up and rush to the tree, excited to see what Santa had brought. And they'd stop, paralyzed with non-comprehension at the nothingness staring back at them. But then, the parent who'd secretly gotten the "greatest holiday gift of all" would swoop in to the rescue.

"Kids, it's not what it looks like!" the parent would say.

And the children would stare with their imploring, wet eyes at the parent, hoping for some explanation that would make it all better.

"This year, instead of 'presents' I got you both the 'greatest holiday gift of all'!"

The children would continue to stare in silence.

"I have prepared us for the possibility that mommy or daddy could, at any time and without warning, die!!!

And then the children would begin openly weeping.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!"

end scene

Horrifying.

In a less darkly humorous vein, I happened upon this next image. I can't tell you now how I got to this site, or what this site even is. (I do a lot of Google-shopping-searches -- www.google.com/products -- and get some seriously wild results, believe me.)

But I saved this image so that we could play a game. Okay?

I'll post the picture, cropped, and you fill in the blank.

Here is the image:

Now, right above this image are the words _____ Clothes.

What do you think that blank is?

Funny?

Whimsical?

Costumey?

Silly?

Go ahead! Guess!

Got it?

Okay. So tell me what it is!

Oh, GOOD GUESS!

Yeah. You are WRONG.

Ready for the real answer?



Ha!

Could not make this up if I tried!

I love Christmastime!

14 comments:

  1. Those children seem to be trapped in that ornament. Perhaps the ad is suggesting we seal our children off from the world in a giant, albiet ridiculously delicate and festive, glass ball to show them the fragility of all life and how it must be protected by.... insurance. Then, we won't let them out until they've bought a policy! W00t!!

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  2. Lol! I snorted outloud when I read Cool Clothes. Oh Christmas :)

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  3. I am so over snow!
    It's piled up all over the place, the damn dog won't go pee in it because It's Cold (duh) and I slipped on some ice and tore my pretty new pants.

    Now, where can I get me some Cool Clothes since Pretty Pants are no longer an option?

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  4. We went to Jersey for Christmas one year. It didn't snow. So we left and went to Manhattan. It didn't snow there, but it was still better than Jersey.

    The real, subliminal message behind the frist ad is "Buy the insurance, mother@#$%er, or we'll CRUSH THESE KIDS with this GIANT CHRISTMAS BALL!!!"

    The message behind the second ad is . . . Oh, @#$% me. Who the hell knows WHAT they were thinking?

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  5. And I always thought life insurance was the best anniversary present, especially when you put it on your spouse. Nothing says love like "I took out a million dollar policy on you yesterday"

    Do you ever get the impression that they market life insurance to people as if it is something that will actually prevent you from dying prematurely. Maybe it's just me.

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  6. That picture looks like they decided to save money and sat around a table and said, "Hey Bob, you in the mood for sushi? Jim, sushi? Let's blow our budget on sushi instead of getting actors and taking a picture. Ask Linda if she's got a picture of your kids around Christmastime - I'll ask Barb what she's got."

    I thought the answer to the joker blank was "costume."

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  7. Seems to be some excessive snow-humbuggery going on. What's wrong with snow? I love snow. It's pretty and white and clean and happy and fluffy and every flake is different. There is nothing like a blanket of new-fallen snow to perk up an otherwise grey and leafless day in New England.

    Just so happens it is snowing outside as I type. Six to twelve inches are expected. It's a virtual winter wonderland!

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  8. Personally, I think Accidental Death and Dismemberment insurance is the Greatest Gift of All. Much more merry than mere life insurance.

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  9. Yeah, Barry's got his priorities totally screwed up. He should have written a song called "We Get To Drive With The Windows Down At Christmas Time And You Don't!"

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  10. Your post is delightfully cynical. I got many good laughs about the passive aggresive Barry De Vorzon and the worst Christmas ad ever. Merry Kwanzakuh to you and yours.

    P.S. Don't you mean Barry's a Snowmophobe though, not a snowmosexual?

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  11. And here I thought we were the only ones um....blessed with a regional Christmas song.

    Every year, the local stations like to add to the rotation "Christmas in the Northwest". Lyrics follow.

    It's Christmas in the Northwest
    A present wrapped in green
    There may not be snow, but in our hearts we know, it's home for you and me.

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  12. I have not heard this Christmas in San Francisco song... But when I was in Nashville last week, I did hear "Santa Claus is a Black Man." It's apparently a newer (and I suppose more "urban"--whatever that means) and completely awesome version of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus." I'd google an mp3 of it, but it's so ridiculously catchy I'm afraid I'll get it stuck in my head again...

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  13. Just sing along and shut up. It's a great song.

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  14. Kristy, I just finished reading your Dec. 12, 2007 blog and tears of laughter continue to stream down my face. What a wonderfully odd and talented writing wit you have. I love reading your stuff. You understand that true comedy is in the daily crazy and foolish things we find and do each day. Idiocy is the spice that makes our otherwise mundane world edible. And what wondeful flavors we continue to find....

    Love ya super much...

    -Rob

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