Dear Ms. Kerry Vincent: It's Not You. (It's Not Me, Either.)

I find it impossible to believe that my post below has in any way hurt your feelings.

I find it even more impossible to believe that you've read it.

Regardless: I'm a bit taken aback by the fury the post has wrought, especially because the character you play on television IS that of a stern judge who many contestants DO seem to fear. Your role IS to be mean. And, your hairstyle is befitting your character: it IS tight and tidy and old-fashioned. It is NOT flattering, nor is it meant to be.

I have not said these things to be cruel. I have issued no attacks on you personally. I am not petitioning Food Network to stop you and your evil ways. I just don't, um, get it?

I don't happen to enjoy the "mean judge" character (or her hairstyle), nor do I understand its necessity. But there are obviously many aspects of the entire competition I don't understand. This is also not cruel to state, ESPECIALLY since my judgment is that of someone who wears pink Crocs and watches Mr. T infomercials.

So, to all the angry fans who are like, "WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS?" I restate: I'm someone who wears pink Crocs and watches Mr. T infomercials.

Now, it is quite obvious from the folks who have commented below that YOU are nothing like your "mean judge" character in real life. You are kind and giving and thoughtful and you do great charity work and you smile all the time. All of this is wonderful to hear.

But my post has nothing to do with who you are in real life. (I don't know who Mr. T is in real life, either. I sincerely doubt he actually likes the FlavorWave THAT much.) And anyway, the WONDERFUL person you are off-air doesn't change who you portray on on-air. Nor does it change how I feel about who you portray on television.

Right? I mean, please tell me that you know the difference between my poking fun at the show and your character on the show and my making any personal attacks on you. Which I absolutely did not do.

(You must know that my suggestion about showing up for work drunk and topless was intended as a compliment. Hello? DREAM JOB.)

Meanwhile, I feel I should point out that your fans do NOT seem to understand the difference between you on tv, you in real life, or what on earth this blog is about. Not only have your fans taken personal offense to my characterization of your television persona -- even though it's accurate -- they have also personally attacked me. They've accused me of being unaware of "the real you" without having taken a moment to read about who I am or what I blog about. I've not made a single personal statement about your character, but I have been called an asshole, stupid, ignorant...there was even the one guy who wrote, "I hope her husband reads this and comes looking for you!"

So, here's the thing.

If your friends and fans want the world to see you as the kind, generous, charitable, fun-loving, sweet, and beautiful woman you are, then I would recommend you cease portraying the opposite on television.

Barring that, I would recommend that they learn to understand the difference between your on-air persona (mean, hairband) and off-air persona (not mean, nice hair) AND recognize those of us who are capable of making that distinction.

Further, if you wanted to petition The Food Network to do a show about "Kerry At Home" I would be happy to lead the charge. I'd TOTALLY watch a show about what Kerry Vincent does when she lets her hair down.

As it were.