I weigh over 200 pounds.
There. Now I've said it. Let it sink in, if you need to.
I have never been willing (or able) to tell you that before because that number -- that point on the scale I can't believe I ever got to LET ALONE got waaaaay over -- has been my greatest personal mark of shame ever.
I've spent a ton of time and energy writing about my weight here. I don't think I need to reiterate that my self-esteem isn't based on a number on a scale. I am perfectly happy and self-confident about the other bazillion facets of my life in which I'm engaged. I wrote a very important (if I do say so) post about how being fat doesn't have to mean being miserable, not even a little bit.
But, right. That doesn't mean I'm pleased with my weight. That doesn't mean I like weighing over 200 pounds.
Frankly, I never thought I'd see the day when I'd tell you that.
But you know what? I am confident that I will not be at this weight for much longer, AND that once I dip below 200, I will never, ever return.
I'm no longer afraid. 200+ is on its way out.
I had hoped that I would fall below the 2-0-0 line before BlogHer. I'd been absolutely certain that, by the time the first week of August rolled around and I was squeezing myself onto a cross-country plane, my weight would begin with a numeral "1." Finally.
It was an arbitrary deadline, but one I had no doubt I'd hit. Except ah, I didn't hit it. I'm going to come really close (within 5 pounds, I think). But no cigar.
And with that, let me bring you up to speed on my weight-loss/fitness progress.
#1: HEY, HOW'S YOUR DIET GOING? ARE YOU STILL DOING MEDIFAST?
I am still doing Medifast and I still love it. But I've been less than diligent about following the plan, because...um...because?
I have no excuse.
It's super easy to do, and when I'm consistent in following the rules, I lose weight. The problem is that when I go off the rails, I do so with VIGOR. And every time I fall off the wagon, it takes a few days to get back on track. That's the way the program works.
So I sabotage myself. A bad cycle will be, say: I've had a great couple days of being on-plan and working out. The scale is starting to move in the right direction. It's Friday night. I decide to have a cocktail or glass of wine. Then, because of the wine, I start to feel hungry and have less willpower than usual. I make a small bad decision food-wise, and then I think, "Well, I'm already off-plan, MAY AS WELL GO ALL THE WAY."
Which is stupid but there you go.
Big-picture, for the last month or so, I've been eating on-plan about 80% of the time. But that doesn't translate to losing 80% of what I could be losing. It's less than that. I, mean, I'm making this up based on what I've experienced, but it's more like 25%-40%.
In other words, that extra 20% motivation -- being on plan 100% -- would mean I could lose weight two to three times faster than I'm losing now. It means I'd have hit my goal and then some (where "some" = "a LOT"), and shopping for what to wear at BlogHer would have be a far less hive-inducing event.
But I haven't.
I'm not giving up. Not even close. I'm just a little disappointed.
It's actually a lot like trying to get into college. My grades in high school were okay, but not great. They could have been great if I'd cared at all or, you know, tried. But I didn't. I somehow thought that because I should get into great schools, I would. I did the minimum amount of work possible to do "above average," and just assumed that because I belonged in a top-tier school, I'd get into one.
And here we are, so many years later, and I've not really learned my lesson. I am doing the minimum amount of work possible to lose weight, and yet assume that I'll see dramatic results every time I step on the scale.
Funny how that works.
#2: ARE YOU STILL DOING THE C25K?
If you're following me on Twitter or have friended me on Facebook, you know that -- shockingly and completely, 100% unforeseeably -- yes. I am still doing the "Couch to 5K."
I KNOW, RIGHT?
I cannot explain this. I don't know what has happened to me. I don't have any idea what will become of me. I am fully expecting to wake up one day and be all, "What? Go for a JOG? Are you fucking kidding me? I don't do THAT." and things will be back to normal.
But for now, I am LOVING this stupid program.
Oh, I still hate every second of "running" (which is still slow-as-molasses-jogging, but whatever, potato-potahto) (OOH! POTATOES! FRENCH FRIES! OM NOM!) (nooooo, shhhh, Medifast shakes, mmmmmm!), but I:
- Love the structure of the program
- Love that I feel progress every single time I do a new day
- Love how much stronger I feel every week
- LOVE that I was able to run for 20 minutes straight at the end of week five!
And, most surprising of all is that I've been able to do this all while weighing over 200 pounds. I have my issues with The Biggest Loser, but I'll tell you something. If it weren't for that show, I'd have never believed I was physically capable of running at my current weight.
The only downside at all has been that my jogging work-out successes definitely contribute to my feeling like I don't have to be as good on my diet.
Logically, I know that this will eventually be true. That when I weigh like, 50 pounds less than I do now and can run 30+ minutes throughout the week, that will probably off-set a french fry here and there.
Logically, I know that running two intervals of 8 minutes does not mean I can eat anything I want for an entire weekend.
#3: HOW IS SHOPPING COMING? DID YOU BUY NEW CLOTHES FOR BLOGHER?
DID YOU EVER WEAR THAT RED PLAID DRESS?
Um. Shopping is still a complete disaster, my body is totally between sizes, the red dress was 1000% anti-climactic and I am going to be wearing a garbage bag to BlogHer.
But perhaps these statements deserve their own blog entry.
So how about you? I know some of you have started Medifast, and I know some of you have started the C25K. How's it going?