Sunday, November 09, 2008

My Job, My Ass, And Mysterious Nylon-Eating Ebola

With drawings! Just scroll down. They are really uh...a sight to behold.


Sometimes I think about event planners -- the kind they show in movies, or the kind I've met in Hollywood. They are always depicted as having huge budgets and an army of helpers waiting for commands. They wear black and have perfect makeup and hair, and wear headsets and use clipboards and BlackBerrys and military lingo, and they give the impression that they aren't the kind of people for whom "relax" means much.

I am not that kind of planner. (I am not that kind of anything, really.)

I like to think that it's because my planning requires me to balance 80 billion things simultaneously, in a world where pretty much any plan we have can change on the fly; where I'm essentially reporting to five or six different types of customers who all have entirely different demands all at one time; and where I don't have a headset-clad, BlackBerry-synched army. I tend to believe that SUPER-organized people might have their heads explode were they to try to walk a mile in my shoes.

Which isn't to say I'm not organized. Sure, I am. I'm also just...uh...let's call it "flexible." (Note: Sometimes I think "flexible" might be code for "mad as a hatter" but you know, potato-potahto.)

The point is that I have what I consider to be a good balance of "professional" and "crazy" happening at any given moment during a conference.

So if, by some chance, all the prep-work has paid off and somehow everything stayed on course and the event is going entirely smoothly and I even look sort of put-together in my new outfit and makeup that hasn't yet slipped off my face in a stress-sweat torrent, you'd better believe that something is going wrong under the surface somewhere.

Which was precisely the case at BlogHer Boston this past October.

Knowing I would be returning to the East Coast during the autumn, I bought a new outfit for the occasion. I chose a black sweater and paired it with a long, rust-colored plaid skirt.

Now.

I would love to have worn super cute boots with the skirt, but that would require an entirely different blog post about how I apparently have gorilla-sized calves that do not fit into regular knee-high boots. So let's move past that for now. Instead...

I also got a pair of rubber-soled, chunk-heeled, practical shoes because I knew I'd be on my feet, all day, for several days, and that can be very painful. But to make my chunky-shoe situation cuter, I bought a pair of rust-colored tights. (My bare legs in October? Not so cute. And also, what kind of sock would you pair with black chunky shoes and a long skirt anyway?)

On the morning of the event, I got dressed while it was still dark out. I put on my whole New England Autumn get-up, complete with matchy-matchy earrings and bracelet, and strode confidently down to the meeting area. My sister, Healy, was with me, acting as volunteer extraordinaire.

First of all, let me just say that there is something about control-top tights in the right size that makes me stand a little straighter, walk a little taller. I feel more put together because my whole wardrobe is complete, meaning even underneath.

Well, until. Until.

And here is where the drawings come in.

To familiarize yourself with what is about to be a very uncomfortable day for me, here is a drawing of my rear-end.



Consider that the "control" image.

Because here is my butt in brick colored control-top tights:



Better already, yeah?

About 20 minutes into set-up, as I'm hauling out badges and booting up my computer and confirming AV checks and carrying all kinds of boxes and signage around the hotel, I notice that my tights seem a wee bit...breezy?

Breezy like, Hey, is there a draft under here?

So while in the huge closet with all the supplies and boxes, I felt around and, sure enough. I had a bit of a hole. Not a full-sized wind tunnel, but still.

A hole.



Hmmm.

With registration about an hour away from opening, I figured I had three options.

1) Run upstairs to my room and apply copious amounts of hairspray and clear nail polish to the edges of the hole.

2) Run upstairs to my room and remove tights entirely. Replace them with...ohthatsright, I chose NOT to buy a second pair. Or bring any kind of appropriate stand-ins. So I could remove the tights and expose all of the BlogHer conference to my glowing-so-white-they're-blue legs.

3) Do nothing. Hope for the best.

Naturally, I chose #3.

Well, come on. It's a stupid hole and what? It's not like I'm not otherwise distracted. I can deal with a hole in the butt.

30 minutes into registration, I'd been seated for quite some time, and had forgotten about my situation. That is, until I adjusted myself by standing up and re-tucking my skirt under me. That is when I noticed that the hole had grown, quietly, of its own volition, while I was doing nothing but SIT.



Healy?

Yeah?

I have a really big hole in the butt of my tights.

You do?

Yeah. And I don't think there's anything I can do about it.

Do you have an extra pair?

No, of course not.

So what are you going to do?

I don't know. But I'll probably end up blogging it.

By the time the programming started and the hotel staff was starting to set up for the mid-morning snack, I was back on my feet. This time, with new determination.

It was obvious the hole was just going to keep growing. It was likewise obvious that I wasn't going to do a damn thing about it and so what? SO WHAT, HOLE?!?! YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.

But as the hole inched its way through the "control" top like some bizarre nylon-eating ebola virus, I noticed a few things I hadn't really paid attention to at first.

The part of my butt that was sticking through the hole in the "control" top? It was not on the same surface plane as the rest of my ass. It was a mound of butt-cleavage, protruding like a continent from under my skirt.



And you know? That's no longer just uncomfortable, that's officially on the painful side. By that point, the "windy" factor had gotten way worse, too, and in fact, the part of my butt jutting out like its own country became a noticeably different teperature than the rest of my butt, which remained warm and cozy under the nylon.

It was evident that the hole was not going to stop until it climbed to the farthest reaches of the "control" top. But it was not going to win!

The conference was going perfectly smoothly. Everyone was having a great time. I could not let one stupid hole get me down.

Well, and then I had to pee.

I did not do a drawing of me trying to get the tights -- with half an ass -- off of me, because even I have to draw the line (as it were) somewhere. Just know that it was difficult and kind of hurty, and involved a lot of rolling and unrolling of the control top waistband.

Also? The word "futility" is given new meaning when you're trying desperately to hike up near-assless tights over your butt in the name of professionalism.

What is that? Healy asked, leaning over my computer later in the day, during a 10-minute down period.

I didn't want to forget about it. I will eventually blog this.

Are you...is that...are you drawing a picture of your butt?

It's really just an outline.

By the time the cocktail party rolled (ahem) around, my tights had won the Battle for Complete Asslessness.



But they had not won the war! Because I still managed to get everything packed up and shipped out AND attend the cocktail party, all without ripping the stupid tights off.

So no. I am not THAT kind of event planner. THAT kind wouldn't have the sort of ass to give her these kinds of problems in the first place, but she would have bought TWO back-up pairs anyway, just in case.

But then SHE wouldn't have anything to post on her blog, and I'm pretty sure that gives me the edge.

55 comments:

  1. Holey ass-less nylons batman!! I laughed so hard i peed myself! Thank you so much for the wonderful story!

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  2. Yeah, gotta say, that's awesome blog fodder. And the last picture just makes the whole story.

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  3. I laughed so hard I cried.

    It gives you way more than an edge!!!!

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  4. HAHAHA..........

    Thanks for a much needed laugh.........with you, not AT you, of course!

    What the hell is w/ those control tops anyway? they are made out of some very strange material!

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  5. Laughing SO hard over here.

    This reminds me of the time I thought I would try those thigh high nylons... You know the kind with that sticky elastic type glue stuff at the top to keep them up? I have muffin-top on my thighs!!! Definitely NOT a cute look.

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  6. I've had that happen to me at an office christmas party once.. it's like a butt pucker. :-) very uncomfortable, indeed.

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  7. So that's what goes on behind the scenes! I can't believe you didn't tell us this that night!

    I'm very impressed with your drawing abilities. :)

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  8. cripes, that is funny. I love the drawings! The whole thing - just priceless. AWESOME. :)

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  9. Laughing so hard I'm crying. Which I totally needed today. Thanks a bunch!

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  10. Yeah. Peed my pants, too.

    Thanks, man.

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  11. That's about the best story I have heard in WEEKS. Ok, MONTHS.

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  12. Well, you are more woman than me. I had an event with the Prime Minister (I'm Canadaian), same freaking assless tight issue. I took them off....

    Totally my reasoning... hysterical.

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  13. Way back in the beginning of your post you mentioned not being able to find boots -- try Duo boots in the UK -- they will custom make a pair for not much more than you'd pay for any other pair of decent boots (around $150-200). You measure your calf and they make a boot to fit!

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  14. Better to have tears running down my cheeks than a hole crawling up my cheeks! That was teh funny! Can't wait to see what kind of shenanigans you get up to in CHicago!

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  15. Officially, you are hysterical. I have had so many asslon experiences like that and thought I would die. You can't grab a bottle of nailpolish fast enough. On your ass it's worse.

    Oy vey. You're all class, toots. You handled yourself fabulously well.

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  16. Okay, honestly, I am a pictures kind of a girl. So I have to admit I didn't even read your entire entry, I just looked at the pictures.

    And gawd, you are funny.

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  17. That was totally hilarious. Almost as hilarious as the fact that you have a need for a category called "times i embarass myself".

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  18. You kill me! Totally, totally hilarious!

    I'm sure that, as classy as you are, you played it off brilliantly.

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  19. I haven't laughed this hard in ages. Seriously, Husband thought I was hurt. Or crying. Then he saw the pee and ran...

    You are a gift. Thank you for making me smile, cry, belly laugh and pee.

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  20. i laughed so hard i was eeeeeee'ing! this is awesome.

    i think we need to run a quick poll, though: who among us does not wear panties under tights? and who among us *does* wear panties?

    cause I'm in the latter group and if this happened to me (which it totally would), my story wouldn't be *half* as funny!

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  21. Oh, excellent, so I'm not the only person on the planet who's had this experience, then. Sweet.

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  22. You are hysterical. If it makes you feel any better, I am too tall for the tights I bought, and wore them anyway, But because the crotch was low, my tights gave me a heat rash on my thighs.

    hot. seriously.

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  23. I heart you.

    FYI, if you fancied the feeling, they do make these kinds of tights on purpose.

    Cheeky monkey!

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  24. Yawp!
    I have the same problem (plus I'm size 10 1/2 so shoe buying is a nightmare in general). You might try Nordstrom -- in the past they have carried boots with an extra-wide calf. But don't wear this brand of tights and a skirt when you go to try them on, unless you want to blog about embar-ASS-ing the salesman!

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  25. Just so you know...I was at BlogHer Boston and looking at you throughout the day, I never would have known about the ass-trauma!

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  26. I am very impressed by your Word colouring abilities. Very impressed.

    I also had no clue during the day that there was anything asstastic happening. You forgot to mention that after the cocktail party you also managed to go to the pub. ;-)

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  27. OMG. Don't know what your last drawing was, but photobucket decided "this image or video violated our terms of use." Is it sad that that makes me even more intrigued?

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  28. I was going to make a comment...
    but better shut up...
    I can be waaaaaayyyyy too imaginative some times!!! :)


    xxx

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  29. I love that you managed to violate the terms of use for Photobucket.

    Awesome.

    Also, great story.

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  30. This is exactly why most superheroes have given up wearing tights. Tight-Induced Butt Exposure is extremely distracting during fisticuff with the baddies.

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  31. OMG I'm sitting in my office roaring with laughter to the point that the people outside are poking their heads in to make sure I'm ok.

    I've had this happen to my large ass myself....I so sympathize. This is also why I don't wear skirts at any time other than spring/summer....lordy.

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  32. I'm pretty sure Frederick's of Hollywood just started production on their new Kristy Collection of buttless tights for that JLo lift. "Now in new fall colors."

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  33. I particularly liked the shading. Tres artistic. And I am in full sympathy about the gorilla calf problem. Try Naturalizer. They make wide shaft boots. And yes, I appreciate how dirty that sounded. You're welcome.

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  34. Damn.
    And I thought my experience of skating a roller derby bout in fishnets that decided, mid-bout, to rip themselves(I swear I had no input in the matter) into a garter-belt type large-holes-in-thighs configuration was bad.
    You have my deepest admiration.

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  35. Classic.

    I have the boot issue too. I did get a pair once when I was lighter, the lady at the store swore I wasn't leaving til she got me in a pair of FMB's. That meant me sitting on the seat while she huffed and pulled on the zip, then resorted to using a paper clip in the zip to get better grip, then enlisted the help of a co-worker, all while various people shopping in the store looked on.

    She did get the boots done up and then suggested I wear them for a while to wear them in and sent me home with some leather stretcher. So there I was walking around in my casual denim skirt and sleeveless t-shirt wearing black knee-high boots. But I had to have 'em.

    Kyls

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  36. Oh my gosh, this might be the best post ever. You nearly made my spit my iced tea all over the screen! LOVE the diagrams :)

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  37. I just laughed so hard reading your post I am crying.

    And the drawings just make it even better.

    Hilarious.

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  38. Kristy!!! No way. I must admit I'm glad this didn't happen in DC, because I saw and talked to you on a number of occasions that day -- it would've been a little crazy to think back on that and picture you in assless tights.

    Crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy. I guess you'll always bring back-ups from now on! :)

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  39. This one was one of the best posts ever. I laughed so hard I cried.

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  40. You crack me up! I think you and I are event planners separated at birth...I'm so with you on the *flexible* thing.

    Way to battle it out with the tights and embrace the experience for creative inspiration.

    You're my hero.

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  41. I can't tell you how much I love reading your posts. You are such the living, breathing, blogging Bridget Jones.

    I had to stop reading twice just to keep myself from bursting a blood vessel in my head while trying desperately to stifle my laughing. I'm in retail, so the office atmosphere is much like a funeral home these days. Breaking the dead silence with my sudden and hysterical laughter would no doubt have resulted in my being quickly escorted out of the office to the nearest loony bin... it would have been so worth it though. :)

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  42. ohmigod! i laughed so hard i almost peed myself. and i only read your drawings! :)
    awesome! and my coworker is a new fan.

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  43. I laughed so hard...I couldn't breathe......

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  44. Obviously in the future you should prepare by cutting the asses out of all your tights.

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  45. Checked out your home pics... nice pad!

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  46. So funny! Actually I have a similar problem (I am very long bodied) but it's the crotch of panties that goes for me and starts creeping down my thighs.... can be dangerous.

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  47. You are being featured on Five Star Friday!
    http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2008/11/five-star-friday-edition-32.html

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  48. okay, i refuse to use "LOL," but i did just sit here and laugh out loud reading this. assless tights.

    oh, and for boots? widewidths.com. measure your calves before your order. they're awesome.

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  49. Nordstrom will also stretch the calves of boots for you. It worked great for me.

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  50. Hi there...just happened upon your blog...and I have to say, this post is sheer BRILLIANCE! (no pun intended.)

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  51. That so made my day. Seriously. Thank you for the uncontrollable laughter.

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  52. I am glad to know that these kind of things happen to someone else besides me!

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  53. This post is definitely award winning! Very funny.

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  54. Crying laughing and my husband thinks I'm weird. I told him I'm only weird because Kristy is weird, and that didn't help my case at all. Thank you for sharing from way back when, when I didn't even know you or you ass.

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