Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Well YOU Are In For A Treat

A-HA! THIS IS WHY I HAVE A BLOG!

I've been feeling once again like that proverb (or was it a nursery rhyme? whatever) about the shoemaker (cobbler?) (maybe this was Aesop?) whose kids have no shoes. (No cobbles?) I am living, breathing, and yes, dreaming the BlogHer Conference these days and yet it's been over a week since I've written anything here.

Yes. You are my shoeless, crusty barefooted blog kids.

(There. Aren't you so glad you're reading this? What other blogger has called you a crusty foot today? No one, that's who.)

I am clearly losing my mind.

Anyway, I was having a little chat with Sizzle, BlogHer Volunteer extraordinaire, and realized HEY! I have never blogged about PMS!

And since I have to construct this monster spreadsheet that was due to the hotel two weeks ago, I thought NOW SEEMS LIKE A PERFECT TIME TO DO SO.

I'm not actually suffering from PMS today, which is why I do not have a chin covered in painful red horribleness or wacky food cravings and is why the hammering outside our office is not actually making me cry.

But you know? Remember, dear IIFs who are about my age or older, how when PMS first started gaining widespread acceptance as a reality, and then everyone talked about it all the time? Every comedian, every sitcom, every self-help book? And now that it's all 2008 no one discusses it anymore? We just take it for granted and move on?

Yes, well, let's rewind the clock and discuss. It'll be awesome. It'll be like New Media meets bad punchlines from 1985.

For a few days every month, I can be a complete and utter hormonal train wreck. I have tracked my moods and emotions and physical changes over the course of my cycle, and can without a doubt attribute the following bullshit* to it being "that time."

  • Painful breakouts on my chin and nowhere else.

  • Growing 3 to 8 black hairs under my chin. OVERNIGHT. Ah, Nature. Behold her glory.

  • Walking into doorjambs. I am bad enough at spatial relations as it is. When I'm about to get my period, my spatial relations get even worse. My timing and sense of Where The Hell I Am gets thrown off, and I end up with bruises on my arms from where I miscalculated HOW TO WALK THROUGH A DOOR. This is always awesome. It's especially fun when it happens in the workplace and I have to try and play it off.

  • Alternating between having no appetite and feeling ravenously hungry.

  • A complete inability to make a decision. I had to go shopping for some back-to-school stuff once, and it nearly killed me. I searched the store for hours, painfully selecting things to go in the cart and then taking them out again and putting them back in. Hours. And then when it was time to check out, I couldn't understand why I'd selected anything in my cart at all, and had to abandon the whole thing at checkout, where I promptly left the store in tears.

  • Crying for stupid, stupid reasons.

  • Sleeping as though in a coma.

  • Back pain.

  • And, yes, cramping.

But my favorite pre-period ridiculousness of all is when the day before I get my period, I hiccup. Once.

This doesn't happen every time, just sometimes. One day I hiccup once, seemingly for no reason, and then not again. And then almost exactly 24 hours later, bam!

(And really, isn't sharing that kind of information exactly what blogging is for?)

* * * * * * * * *

La la la...more soon. Or check out BlogHer Conferences to find out how I am spending all of my time! (Seriously, if there's ANYTHING you want to know about the event, just ask.)

15 comments:

  1. Oh my god, I am so looking forward to BlogHer. You have no idea. Seriously. You could set me in a conference room full of Twinkies and video monitors and I would be running around screaming, BEST CONFERENCE EVER! So, no pressure.

    The walking into stuff made me laugh out loud. Very funny stuff.

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  2. I didn't even know my PMS was a 'big deal' to anyone around me. I was all, la, la, la, I don't have PMS. But then my husband brought it up to our therapist.
    Oh.

    I wish I did a single hiccup. I don't always pay attention, so a little heads up would be nice.

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  3. Thank god you only get one hiccup. They are so annoying if they keep on going and going and going as hiccups tend to do.

    I'm an emotional trainwreck while PMSing. And I fight with people. Just for the sake of fighting. Maybe I could trade that in for hiccups. :)

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  4. I get terrible gas along with all that other crap. It's SO AWESOME.

    And by awesome I mean horrible.

    I forget stuff, am snippy, have no desire for physical affection, am moody, tired all the time, bloated so my fat pants feel tight, get chin acne and my lower back hurts.

    If this is just for PMS, I can only imagine how bad being pregnant might be.

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  5. I would take PMS over conference planning any day. I just finished a conference and I have sworn to never, never, ever do it again.

    You are brave.

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  6. why is it only the chin? I have the same issue and don't know why. Grrrr.

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  7. I just have to say, I found your blog recently and have become quite obsessed with it, so I was very happy to see a new post today! Wonderful and funny as always. I actually have a bit of that "I want to be friends with her" fan thing going on. Quite embarrassing really.

    Yup, I may be wearing really hot black stilettos today, but figuratively speaking I am your shoeless crusy barefoot blog kid.

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  8. OMG. I never knew the spatial relations thing was universal. I get inordinately clumsy that week and lose my keys every 4.2 seconds.
    I love you for making me feel not alone... even if you are 3,000 miles away - at least you exist!

    jc

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  9. Wait. All those things are related to PMS? I just thought I was a pimply klutz with emotional issues and a granny beard.

    Then again....

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  10. Menopause is all that and so much more.

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  11. Oh my God! I miss the appetite suppression / ravenousness! I just had a baby and haven't had a period since last August (crazy, no? To me it is.)

    Anyway, thanks for the memories :)

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  12. Yes!! Love the PMS-talk revival! Totally amazing. I, too, walk into doorjambs whilst pms-ing. Breakthrough! We did not know this in 1985!

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  13. There is no such proverb or fable. But Plato did write an allegory that set out some of the unpleasant consequences of making up proverbs to serve the purposes of something as ephemeral as a blog. (Please don't tell me that Plato knew nothing about blogs. He saw blogs coming and he knew all about Atlantis.)

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  14. Holy Sista-From-Anotha-Motha...Er...that was confusing. Anyways, I thought I was the only person who injured herself with doorjambs! I even wrote about in my FAQ!!! Wowsers!

    And I feel ya on the chin situation. It's tough being a woman.

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  15. You do have the option to get out of PMS for 40 weeks if you are pregnant.
    Then you can still be nasty, mean, and ugly & everyone just takes it. Then you end up having a baby girl that in a few short years will have her own PMS and make your house explosive at any moment.
    Aint life grand!!
    Thanks for the laugh today! I feel much less homicidal now. ;)

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