Well YOU Are In For A Treat

A-HA! THIS IS WHY I HAVE A BLOG!

I've been feeling once again like that proverb (or was it a nursery rhyme? whatever) about the shoemaker (cobbler?) (maybe this was Aesop?) whose kids have no shoes. (No cobbles?) I am living, breathing, and yes, dreaming the BlogHer Conference these days and yet it's been over a week since I've written anything here.

Yes. You are my shoeless, crusty barefooted blog kids.

(There. Aren't you so glad you're reading this? What other blogger has called you a crusty foot today? No one, that's who.)

I am clearly losing my mind.

Anyway, I was having a little chat with Sizzle, BlogHer Volunteer extraordinaire, and realized HEY! I have never blogged about PMS!

And since I have to construct this monster spreadsheet that was due to the hotel two weeks ago, I thought NOW SEEMS LIKE A PERFECT TIME TO DO SO.

I'm not actually suffering from PMS today, which is why I do not have a chin covered in painful red horribleness or wacky food cravings and is why the hammering outside our office is not actually making me cry.

But you know? Remember, dear IIFs who are about my age or older, how when PMS first started gaining widespread acceptance as a reality, and then everyone talked about it all the time? Every comedian, every sitcom, every self-help book? And now that it's all 2008 no one discusses it anymore? We just take it for granted and move on?

Yes, well, let's rewind the clock and discuss. It'll be awesome. It'll be like New Media meets bad punchlines from 1985.

For a few days every month, I can be a complete and utter hormonal train wreck. I have tracked my moods and emotions and physical changes over the course of my cycle, and can without a doubt attribute the following bullshit* to it being "that time."

• Painful breakouts on my chin and nowhere else.
  
  
• Growing 3 to 8 black hairs under my chin. OVERNIGHT. Ah, Nature. Behold her glory.
  
  
• Walking into doorjambs. I am bad enough at spatial relations as it is. When I'm about to get my period, my spatial relations get even worse. My timing and sense of Where The Hell I Am gets thrown off, and I end up with bruises on my arms from where I miscalculated HOW TO WALK THROUGH A DOOR. This is always awesome. It's especially fun when it happens in the workplace and I have to try and play it off.
  
  
• Alternating between having no appetite and feeling ravenously hungry.
  
  
• A complete inability to make a decision. I had to go shopping for some back-to-school stuff once, and it nearly killed me. I searched the store for hours, painfully selecting things to go in the cart and then taking them out again and putting them back in. Hours. And then when it was time to check out, I couldn't understand why I'd selected anything in my cart at all, and had to abandon the whole thing at checkout, where I promptly left the store in tears.
  
  
• Crying for stupid, stupid reasons.
  
  
• Sleeping as though in a coma.
  
  
• Back pain.
  
  
• And, yes, cramping.
  

But my favorite pre-period ridiculousness of all is when the day before I get my period, I hiccup. Once.

This doesn't happen every time, just sometimes. One day I hiccup once, seemingly for no reason, and then not again. And then almost exactly 24 hours later, bam!

(And really, isn't sharing that kind of information exactly what blogging is for?)

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La la la...more soon. Or check out BlogHer Conferences to find out how I am spending all of my time! (Seriously, if there's ANYTHING you want to know about the event, just ask.)