Breaking Point

Ish had a couple of appointments in San Francisco today, so he's in town and coming home early. On his way home, he has stopped by Whole Foods to pick up something for dinner, which he will later cook, because I am sitting at home, at our large dining table with papers and charts and spreadsheets and notebooks scattered around me. I am buried in hundreds of to-dos and detailed emails I have to reply to. There are eleventeen billion details zooming around in my head and I am trying really, really hard not to drop a single ball.

I am usually pretty good about handling this level of pre-conference stress -- laughing whenever possible and trying really hard to just roll with the punches. But it's a tightrope walk, and the wrong combination of events is going to push me right over the edge into that bad place. That place where I stop finding things funny and lose all perspective.

For example.

Ish just texted me from the grocery store asking what I wanted him to pick up.

And I responded in the only way that made perfect sense to me: I burst into tears.

The thought of having to make an extra decision -- one not related to the conference -- seemed so mightily impossible that I just started sobbing.

This is not a good sign. Should not be crying at grocery-store texts.

Ahhh. But there it is. Writing it down moments after it happened and sharing it with the invisible internet world? Putting it in writing? Makes it funny. And now I feel better. (Thanks, blogging!)

Stupid tightrope.


  1. I had the same reaction a while back when boyfriend said he would buy pizza for dinner and then later called me to ask me to do the ordering (he still paid). Pushed me right over the edge. lol. Sometimes that one extra decision just does it. Good luck with your preparations. You can do it!

  2. Can I help with a spreadsheet or something?

    Or at least pour you some wine? Or hand you a straw to facilitate your wine drinking more efficiently?

  3. Oh man, I think we've all been there! Good luck with the conference, lady.

  4. I get the same way when I am stressed. Seriously, I will not ask you a single conference thing until Monday. I know all your hard work is going to pay off and the conference is going to be a smashing success!

  5. oh yeah. I stepped in dog shit at the end of a really bad day and it pushed me into hysterics. I totally understand. I was a mess for hours. Ugh. It'll all be over soon and it will all be better. Just remember that.

  6. Oh man, I feel your pain. Glad blogging helped. Wine,when you're able to take a breath, might help too!

  7. I've been there also, K. A couple of weeks ago I was really stressed out at work. A friend of mine said something to me, just jokingly, and I burst into tears. He felt so bad, he was still apologizing 2 days later.

    {{{{HUGS}}}} being sent to you, K!

  8. I'm with Kandace...send me a spreadsheet to work on for you and I'll send you some wine...oh wait, Ish will have to pour you some, since I live several states away and not around the block.

    I feel sure it will all be lovely and all get done time.

  9. Kiki, please tell everybody at your conference that the hedonistic pleasureseeker is a 25 year old girl named Kali polk matthews who lives in sf.

    she lived in a building that I owned with her parents.

    she killed my dog a year ago to try to surreptitiously hound and harrass me out of the building, stemming from business that resulted in her father's outraged pride.

    In reality she's whack! and has done some vicious things


    6 years ago in marin county, she was a member of a cult that the media called "the family". they were arrested for letting a child die. go check the news archives. it was a big story then

    go to my you tube site user name lastroubadour and see a video about her

    I'm tired of her crap. her stalking me and that she killed my dog and ripped me off

    she's got serious problems

    tell em for me


  10. Um am I the only one confused by dan's comment? Anyhoo....I can totally relate to breaking down in tears. Sometimes when you have the courage to ask someone else to do something they should be able to do it-if you had to tell someone how to do it you might as well do it yourself huh? again I can totally relate.

  11. Girl, I hear you and I'm here for you. For that is what I do. So whatever you can push on me, you can do so. I just got a lot of my plate cleared, so I'm reserving that space for you.

    I wound up crying when a drunk guy fell on me outside of a Mission bar. And not because it hurt or anything, but because I was already in a bad mood and then this dude FALLS ON ME. And so I cried and had to go home. Because I am four.

  12. It was a doctor bill that did it to be, back in the day when I was in charge of large programs and having to make hundreds of decisions a day. I knew all I'd have to do was take it to HR and they'd fix it, but I sat down and sobbed because I just couldn't handle being in charge of one more thing. I hope all of the details come together well for you.

  13. My sister recently declared that we each have only so many decisions in us for each day (or week or whatever). After you've reached your decision-making quota, that's all folks. It made me feel really good to hear that from someone who is infinitely more energetic and extroverted than I am. Hang in there!

  14. That happened to me once. Then I remembered that I have a penis and don't have to cry at the drop of a hat, and quit.

    Man up, Nancy.

    (I don't really mean this, but thought it would be fun to try being an insensitive plick for a while)

    You're right about blogging it, because perspective changes everything.

  15. Oh I see, DB... but how big is this insensitve penis of yours....and can it still get hard?

  16. Ah, yes, kindred spirit. Should this comment not post, I may of course be blubbering on my keyboard.

  17. I love your blog. Really funny stuff.

  18. dang you girl...I have just spent the better part of 3 days ( at work ) reading your blog...I am so intrigued...did I even spell that right.. too much wine (and I am one of the lucky few that get to work at the wine festivals in VA - free wine and bottles of wind in payment for a hard days work!) and I have no interest in opening word to see if I did...dang dang dang...and now I am awaiting more...I am 36 never married been with using your term (TheBald since 2006) waiting for that most important question. wow ok so I think I have spouted enough (again still not checing work or Keep it up I am totally intrigued (again with the spelling....)

  19. Indeed, that wretched tightrope and its counterpart, the rollercoaster! I just about cried because I didn't have enough time to take a shower yesterday! I ended up washing my hair and thinking to myself if Auntie Flow was in town or going to be lol. Hope things go well for you!

  20. EVERYTHING has seemed so great so far and I'm sure all of us attending BlogHer are just so happy to be there, so happy with all of the opportunities and just happy (to be away from our kids) in general. I think you have been and are doing a fabulous job!

  21. i have to laugh...I soooooooooo get this...only it's not spreadsheets at the moment my $60,000 eduacation and liberal arts vocabulary is used for multiple and simulataneous responses to any and all of the following:
    moooooooom can I? can I?

    he's touching me he's touching me he's touching me he's touching me.

    I need a drink I need a drink I need a ddddddddddddddddrrrink.

    Do I have to? do I have to....

    ugh...must stop even on paper it makes me dizzy...

    be one with your spreadsheets one. *grin.


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