tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post115342238276764299..comments2024-03-28T02:50:20.817-07:00Comments on She Just Walks Around With It: Confessions Of An Angry Commuterkristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00879301751663532121noreply@blogger.comBlogger27125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1153674734713797142006-07-23T10:12:00.000-07:002006-07-23T10:12:00.000-07:00i can only imagine that this woman on the bus suff...i can only imagine that this woman on the bus suffers from problems invisible to the eye. mental illness, other diseases may plague her and imagine what a compassionate smile, a helping hand might do for her day. Like you, i know how it feels to battle extra weight, Kristy. in learning to love what we hate, we change. take care.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1153531970835512112006-07-21T18:32:00.000-07:002006-07-21T18:32:00.000-07:00It is quite possible that this woman is so hardene...<I>It is quite possible that this woman is so hardened and bitter from years of obesity that she does exactly as you say and bombards her way to the front of the line and then passively aggresively makes everyone wait for her to bumble around her change purse.</I><BR/><BR/>I think it could be this -- or it could be that she honestly just forgot to get out the money first (if she normally does get it out first). Or she could be concerned that she'll drop it if she takes it out and holds onto it before the bus arrives. She would not be able to pick it up off the ground if she did drop it.<BR/><BR/>I do agree with the beginning of the comment I quoted above: that the poor treatment she has undoubtedly received by people over the years BECAUSE of her size has led her NOT to expect people to help her. She probably does not expect or assume that people would voluntarily accommodate her, so she has to look out for herself. It's probably quite stressful for her every morning to face the bus ride: having to make sure she gets on early enough to get a seat, having to cope with the humiliation of people staring at her and possibly making comments to her or near her...<BR/><BR/>And that she walks a few blocks to the bus stop does not mean that it is not difficult for her to stand. When I hurt my knee, I *could* walk a few blocks, but it hurt. <BR/><BR/>I appreciate this post of yours, Kristy, because you are trying to reflect honestly on your reaction to her. You know the politically correct reaction to have, you didn't have it and you are not trying to pretend you did. At the same time, you are willing to explore the topic and address your own biases. We all have biases and unfairly negative reactions to people and it's always good to examine them.<BR/><BR/>She may be flat-out rude or her behavior may be defensive as a result of her own negative experiences out in the world. Or maybe it's a little bit of both.<BR/><BR/>I'm closely connected to a community of people with a particular physical disability. They need help when they are out and about. The ones who are able to live the most independently are those who DO feel entitled to be helped and are not shy about asking for or even demanding help. The sad fact is that most people are not paying attention to those around them enough to consider whether someone else needs help. So it becomes important that those who need it demand it.<BR/><BR/>Someone using crutches for a broken leg is a person who you can imagine is "just like you" but had an accident. But you cannot fathom letting your body become so obese that you cannot walk without difficulty. So you already have to strain to find empathy for her before she even does anything.<BR/><BR/>Is she more rude than most people you encounter? Aren't a lot of people rude? I hate the people who crash into me while I'm walking down the sidewalk and don't acknowledge it. <BR/><BR/>I think it's safe to assume that nobody actually wants to be that obese. (I know I know -- I'm sure there's some story out there about people who do want to be so obese they're incapacitated, but you know what I mean.) Personally, if I were that size, I think I'd be in a really crappy mood a lot of the time. And most unfortunately, it's probably pretty hard to motivate to drastically change your life when you're in a crappy mood.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1153518330399090262006-07-21T14:45:00.000-07:002006-07-21T14:45:00.000-07:00Great post. It is very difficult for us to think ...Great post. It is very difficult for us to think of ourselves as possibly prejudiced in some unreasonable or unjustified way. I would also be annoyed by this situation, but I think mostly because of the sense of entitlement displayed. Entitled, rude people get my goat more than just about anything else, regardless of their size, gender, color, blah blah blah. I am not so presumptuous as to think I deserve special treatment over anyone else, so I find it aggravating when others do.<BR/><BR/>I also do not like to wait I am impatient. I walk rather quickly, and get easily frustrated when slow people block the entire sidewalk. I probably look like a total bitch when I pull a maneuver to get around them and speed off. But hey, I’m trying to get somewhere and I don’t care. At the grocery store I will lug a 50 pound basket rather than get a cart because I don’t want to risk getting stuck in the cart jammed isles. If I need to I can lift my basket and squeeze through. I basically try to modify my behavior so I will feel inconvenienced as little as possible, and try to remind myself that most of the people that I feel are in my way and slowing me down are not actually doing anything wring and I have no reason to be upset with them. Unless they are being blatantly rude, like it seems this woman is being. OK, I just went on about that way too long about that.Shananiganshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08537301327510516106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1153503787628173462006-07-21T10:43:00.000-07:002006-07-21T10:43:00.000-07:00I think Caroline hit the nail on the head - it's n...I think Caroline hit the nail on the head - it's not her disability/obesity/whatever that's bugging you - it's her lack of consideration for anyone but herself. What happens to many of us is that we feel poorly about being angry at a person who we perceive to be less fortunate than ourselves. <BR/><BR/>I agree with you - it's the sense of entitlement that agggravates - not the disability. People who want to be treated "just like anyone else" should act just like anyone else. Manners included.lisahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07665078376496476416noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1153503513594919072006-07-21T10:38:00.000-07:002006-07-21T10:38:00.000-07:00I have all kinds of things inside my head I'm emba...I have all kinds of things inside my head I'm embarrassed of, and also things I struggle with on a moral barometer level, so I think it's pretty brave for you to write it down, work it out.<BR/><BR/>MOSTLY! Though, I have not been able to post comments on your website in days, so I had to tell you how much I adored your green sneakers post. I heart you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1153495160932587712006-07-21T08:19:00.000-07:002006-07-21T08:19:00.000-07:00It is quite possible that this woman is so hardene...It is quite possible that this woman is so hardened and bitter from years of obesity that she does exactly as you say and bombards her way to the front of the line and then passively aggresively makes everyone wait for her to bumble around her change purse.<BR/><BR/>I know these people...I have been this person, however never on a public transportation situation. I would simply be too embarrassed to do that. <BR/><BR/>I think I understand though...the embarrassment over the years has turned her mean and selfish and humiliated so she has just jumped into that role and probably will never return to her authentic self, who if she is obese with a cane, probably started out just as precious as the rest of us. It's sad but true.<BR/><BR/>I can't fault you for your response to her...I would and have thought the same thing when I've been thin and fat. <BR/><BR/>It is what it is...and it sucks to the bus bumble...<BR/><BR/>Thanks for your honesty...FunnyBitshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16754280190924901499noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1153494674688538462006-07-21T08:11:00.000-07:002006-07-21T08:11:00.000-07:00Stop riding the bus, get a Hummer,.. not the "fuel...Stop riding the bus, get a Hummer,.. not the "fuel efficient" H3, but one of the big deisel ones. Problem solved, and you can feel good about yourself by giving Uter's mom a ride once a week.Desperate Househusbandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11831917310375834480noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1153490510356731232006-07-21T07:01:00.000-07:002006-07-21T07:01:00.000-07:00I think the real issue is she is rude. Fat may no...I think the real issue is she is rude. Fat may not have one thing to do with it, she is just rude. And what is worse? She is rude to the same group of people that she sees on a daily basis. There is this weird fine line in our society about weight...it is often either acknowledged or treated as invisible. This woman seems to be making her weight the issue when it's really not. Good Venting!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1153472942996613552006-07-21T02:09:00.000-07:002006-07-21T02:09:00.000-07:00I've just come across your blog and liked the titl...I've just come across your blog and liked the title so I stopped for a while.<BR/>Here comes a bit of psychobabble: you spend time and energy keeping your weight at a reasonable limit and for that you get to get on the bus last and are thrown around when the bus takes off. She who has apparently "let herself go" gets on the bus calmly and slowly and is pretty well guaranteed a seat. <BR/>Thus she is rewarded for her lack of self restraint/discipline and you are "punished" for the opposite.<BR/>But at least you get to wear cool clothes!<BR/>Why don't you talk to her, explain the situation then if she doesn't agree to get on last, you are free to hate and resent her all you like. Or you could just trip her up.angelahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10966015443364053559noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1153462867867462642006-07-20T23:21:00.000-07:002006-07-20T23:21:00.000-07:00I do think that if it were truly important to her ...I do think that if it were truly important to her to get on the bus as quickly as possible and sit down, she'd be counting her coins while waiting for the bus, so she could get to the sitting part almost immediately, and glide past all other shenanigans. That's what points me towards "rude" as opposed to anything else. As a fat girl who has to squeeze into her coach seats on the plane, I know that I do what I can to make the people next to me comfortable. But my fatness is entirely my own fault, and not attributable to any medical condition, so I try to take responsibility for all the delicious pizza I eat.Tigerpantshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08022939226860187347noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1153455340248758112006-07-20T21:15:00.000-07:002006-07-20T21:15:00.000-07:00I'd figure that the woman probably has a tough tim...I'd figure that the woman probably has a tough time in life (just getting around, for starters) and if getting on the bus first is that important to her, so be it. We could all guess a lot about her circumstances, but only she has the answers. If you have a real problem "allowing" her to push to the front, why don't you ask her why she feels it necessary to do that?<BR/><BR/>P.S. Shewhomustnotbenamed, perhaps the bus is the only means by which the woman can get anywhere.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1153447621986667822006-07-20T19:07:00.000-07:002006-07-20T19:07:00.000-07:00Here's what I don't understand. Why does she even ...Here's what I don't understand. Why does she even <I>want</I> to get on the bus first? Because if I was obese, the last thing I'd want to do is shove my way to the front of the line so that I can treat everyone to a view of my fat ass as I hoist myself up the stairs and then rummage for change.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1153441808315208112006-07-20T17:30:00.000-07:002006-07-20T17:30:00.000-07:00o&w,it probably is a waste of my energy to 'stress...o&w,<BR/><BR/>it probably is a waste of my energy to 'stress' about her behavior, but i don't know that i do. someone pushes me out of the way, i get annoyed and let it go. someone does it repeatedly, and it becomes a nuisance. then yesterday/today, because the bus was too crammed for me to read, i had a considerable amount of time to dwell on why i was feeling upset and raise all these questions.<BR/><BR/>as caroline pointed out, i would be annoyed with *anyone* who behaved in a way that was, from an observational standpoint, selfish. i guses another way of looking at this is asking if someone who has health problems is "allowed" to be selfish?kristyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00879301751663532121noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1153440495454651522006-07-20T17:08:00.000-07:002006-07-20T17:08:00.000-07:00Tonya, I think your suggestions are all on target....Tonya, I think your suggestions are all on target.<BR/><BR/>K, you're brave to voice your own prejudices. I empathize with your frustration over the woman's rudeness, but you haven't walked a mile in her shoes and I think it's a waste of your energy to stress out over her behaviour. In situations like that, I try to simply be grateful that I don't have an "affliction".Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1153436332606810682006-07-20T15:58:00.000-07:002006-07-20T15:58:00.000-07:00i think regardless of the weight issues, the whole...i think regardless of the weight issues, the whole thing with people getting to the front of the line without being ready to pay is very irritating.Fluffycathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05428451230435663963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1153436230610707912006-07-20T15:57:00.000-07:002006-07-20T15:57:00.000-07:00Consider your reaction the opposite way of how you...Consider your reaction the opposite way of how you are - instead of imagining how you would feel had she a different disability, how would you feel if her behavior remained the same but she had NO disability? It seems to me that the problem isn't her getting on the bus first, it is that her actions have nothing to do with her physical needs - she is merely being selfish. Her size does not predicate her getting on board first, any more than a deaf person would have to get on first. It certainly has nothing to do with her being so inconsiderate as to hold up the entire line while counting her change instead of having it at the ready. A blind person who can't see what he is counting would have an alternate means of taking care of this - like your bus pass. So no, you are not fatist or an asshole - you are just fed up with a very inconsiderate person.<BR/><BR/>But, you know, patience is a virtue, be charitable of those less fortunate, blah blah blah.Carolinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08457487239082794082noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1153436002676067162006-07-20T15:53:00.000-07:002006-07-20T15:53:00.000-07:00Kiki ~ Good for your for being brave enough to exp...Kiki ~ <BR/><BR/>Good for your for being brave enough to exploring this topic with radical honesty. I believe that looking at things in an unflinching way is the only way to grow. <BR/><BR/>I would suggest a things:<BR/>1)Okay, you feel annoyed, but the question is "what's under THAT feeling?" Explore what's under that and then ask again "What's under THAT?" again.. do it a few more times until you get to the REAL heart of that matter. It could be connected it could be totally different. <BR/>2) We are most repulsed by what we are afraid we will become. <BR/>3)You do not know what her story is, all you see is the fat. I bet if you talked to her for 5 minutes and heard her story, you would be able to tap into compassion.<BR/>5) To this woman, darling, YOU are the "skinny bitch" you were talking about in your green shoes post. She’s dying to be your size, to breeze up to the bus stop without being out of breath, to wear those cute clothes and shoes she can’t fit into. <BR/><BR/>Get it?<BR/><BR/>~TonyaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1153434525483420772006-07-20T15:28:00.000-07:002006-07-20T15:28:00.000-07:00hi other,i understand what you are saying, and i u...hi other,<BR/><BR/>i understand what you are saying, and i understand that i could be -- without question -- more patient.<BR/><BR/>i basically posted this because i found myself very annoyed (without thinking about it) when i was essentially pushed out of the way, and wanted to explore whether my sentiments were justified or not.kristyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00879301751663532121noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1153433043631822532006-07-20T15:04:00.000-07:002006-07-20T15:04:00.000-07:00K-I gotta say I know what anonymous from 1:58pm is...K-<BR/><BR/>I gotta say I know what anonymous from 1:58pm is talking about. I am very much the same. Big all my life. Not the biggest girl in the city, but probably close. I used to MUNI to the Financial District every morning and by the time I made it to the bus stop from my house I was sweating (regardless of the weather) and all I wanted to do was melt into the background. Try to find the space on the bus where I could kind of squeeze myself in and try not to touch the people on either side of me because they'd just give me "that look" like my just existing bothered the hell out of them.<BR/><BR/>I do agree with you too, though. I know my obesity is at least partially my fault. I know what works and what doesn't. If I don't have the willpower or desire to follow through, that's my fault. Maybe I deserve the looks. And even though I've felt the way I do about myself, I too have found myself looking at someone bigger than me and thinking, how could you "let" yourself get to that point? Sad, I know.<BR/><BR/>Please no one take offense at what I'm about to say because I am not at all racist or culture-phobic or what have you but I always found that it was the non English-speaking crowd that had the largest sense of entitlement. I can't tell you the number of times I've been stepped on, pushed, shoved, bumped, etc. by little ladies yapping at each other, who believe it is their right to stand exactly where I happen to be standing, even though there is an empty space 2 seats down. That always drove me nuts. <BR/><BR/>Ok...enough...your blog, not mine.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1153431713808005452006-07-20T14:41:00.000-07:002006-07-20T14:41:00.000-07:00it's rude people that suck. it's just easy to asso...it's rude people that suck. it's just easy to associate the behaviors we dislike with the fatness that, as a society, we also dislike. it's pretty commonly believed that the heavier you are, the lazier and less worthy you are of breathing air and other stuff. That said, if someone is so big they need a cane just for that.... seems like they should be hospitalized.<BR/><BR/>I read a study once that said that men would prefer dating a woman with terminal cancer over a woman who was slightly overweight. <BR/><BR/>Rude people should go jump off a bridge, and really seriously overweight people should get medical help. anyone who feels entitled to anything at all, be they fat, thin, tall, short, disabled, or purple, just makes the world less fun.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1153429083135830392006-07-20T13:58:00.000-07:002006-07-20T13:58:00.000-07:00Perhaps many people (even MOST people) that become...Perhaps many people (even MOST people) that become morbidly obese have some recourse to keep their weight somewhat in check. Try to remember that not ALL people do. That you cannot tell a persons true disability simply by looking at them.... that sometimes obesity is a result of something much more silent and not so obvious. Yes, I speak from experience, and Yes, we can see the stares and hear the giggles and the snide remarks... and it hurts... a lot. <BR/><BR/>I don't weigh as much as I used to, so perhaps I can say that I have gotten my weight "somewhat" in check. I used to weigh over 400 lbs and now I "only" weigh close to 300 (I am almost 6 feet tall). I was born with a congenital heart defect that prevented me from being very active, on top of that I had a thyroid disorder that remained undiagnosed until recently... neither of these would be things you would know or see by looking at me, but you would see that I am fat. It was always assumed by people that I must eat a lot... I don't. I have always eaten less than average, but with my other health problems (and after a bout with anorexia that literally screwed up my metabolism) there was not a lot I could do.<BR/><BR/>I don't like myself the way I look. I am embarassed when I go out. I certainly do not feel entitled to anything, nor would I push my way to the front of the line at the bus stop, but even if (or especially if) I just walked 3 to 5 blocks to get to the bus stop, I would be tired... my heart would be racing, my legs would feel as though they were going to give out, and my lungs would be burning... and I would want to sit as soon as possible, but I would wait... so as not to draw attention to myself... so that maybe people would not look at me as the disgusting fat lady today... and I could somehow blend into the crowd. <BR/><BR/>I can't say that I would react any differently than you or anyone else reading your blog. When I find myself making assumptions (which may indeed be true) I try to remember that I don't have all the facts... and that there is a real person, with life experiences and emotions and baggage that I have no clue how to comprehend.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1153428068317492242006-07-20T13:41:00.000-07:002006-07-20T13:41:00.000-07:00it's entirely possible that she got fat because of...it's entirely possible that she got fat because of a medical condition that made her less mobile in the first place... <BR/><BR/>i'm just saying. <BR/><BR/>that said, i can't stand rude people on muni or elsewhere. people who aren't remotely aware of or concerned with the feelings or needs of others.<BR/><BR/>aagh.<BR/><BR/>and you've perfectly described that stumble-lunge maneuver....terryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02758974079951716931noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1153427000375961342006-07-20T13:23:00.000-07:002006-07-20T13:23:00.000-07:00Fuck. I wish I hadn't had the fries at lunch now....Fuck. I wish I hadn't had the fries at lunch now.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1153426306042844042006-07-20T13:11:00.000-07:002006-07-20T13:11:00.000-07:00I don't know. It's tough when we see something th...I don't know. It's tough when we see something that isn't necessarily a positive reaction within ourselves. <BR/><BR/>I would like to think of myself in a similar situation that I would be reacting to the sense of entitlement, rather than the person's weight. But who knows? <BR/><BR/>Plus, I mean it's pretty easy to get frustrated during commutes involving public transportation and people, and lord knows I can't deal with anyone, not even the people I love the most in a courteous way before about 10AM when the caffeine starts rushing through my veins...so it could also be that.Christinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11530892587771136443noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1153426257660655812006-07-20T13:10:00.000-07:002006-07-20T13:10:00.000-07:00just be glad you don't ride the bus through chinat...just be glad you don't ride the bus through chinatown each day, where hardly anyone is obese or overweight, and everyone, even the ones who are young and spry, feels it's their right to bowl you over, hell, even push you out of the way to stand exactly where you were just standing, step on you, hit you, put their really smelly bags of food on you, yell at you in languages you don't understand for even being on the same bus with them, hold up a bus full of 100 people for 5 minutes as the busdriver screams at them, because they want to squeeze just one more person into the stairwell you can't stand on if you want the bus to move, even though there is an empty bus 1 block away.<BR/><BR/>No ... I'm not bitter. Not at all.Serrephimhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01860746853228891590noreply@blogger.com