tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post114427342765011229..comments2024-03-28T09:41:36.745-07:00Comments on She Just Walks Around With It: Curse Of The MIMkristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00879301751663532121noreply@blogger.comBlogger71125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1144626351273959062006-04-09T16:45:00.000-07:002006-04-09T16:45:00.000-07:00Jerry: Once a "new" post has been added to K's bl...Jerry: Once a "new" post has been added to K's blog, there usually aren't a lot of comments left for previous posts, but I wanted you to know that I did read your comment. I don't know that I was "entertained" by it, but I do think that you shared some interesting, thoughtful observations.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1144609881484611832006-04-09T12:11:00.000-07:002006-04-09T12:11:00.000-07:00I just read this post and all 75 comments. Through...I just read this post and all 75 comments. <BR/><BR/>Throughout it all I was wondering if I would comment too. Or, if I did, what I would say.<BR/><BR/>About half way through I figured my commment would be "Well, that's two hours of my life I'll never get back." <BR/><BR/>At some point after that I started caring about what people were saying. If MIM isn't really coming back here I will miss her. I won't miss her enough to go over to her place, but still, I will miss her. <BR/><BR/>I am not much of a blogger really and this stuff is just too heavy for me. When I read a blog I just want to be entertained. <BR/><BR/>I don't believe we can change each other's minds about things by discussing them (did I just say that? That is SO stupid!) Okay, let me try to rephase that.<BR/><BR/>After reading all 75 comments to this post and the original post and Whinger's post I don't think anyone here has changed their original opinions about anything. <BR/><BR/>All I have seen is people explaining their original comments to help other people understand what they originally meant and then finally agreeing to disagree.<BR/><BR/>My wife and I got married right out of high school. At that time I told her that if she ever got fat I would leave her. I was an asshole. What a childish immature thing that was for me to say. <BR/><BR/>I have said a lot of stupid immature things over the years and for some reason she sees past my ignorance and loves me anyway.<BR/><BR/>Several months ago I set up my Google Sidebar to run a sideshow of all the photos on my PC. I have really enjoyed watching our entire life together being replayed in photographs. Our honeymoon, our daughter's birth, our son's birth, our family vacations, our son's graduation from the film school, walking down the isle to give my daughter away, our anniversary trips as empty nesters... It makes excited to think about all the photos yet to be taken... our daughter's upcoming college graduation, the look on our son's face when he finally sells his first script, our upcoming 32nd wedding anniversary and our grandchilden yet to be born.<BR/><BR/>As I glance at the photos that play in random order sometimes I am shocked at how much weight my wife and I have gained and lost over the years. I'm shocked because at the time I didn't see it and in my memories, it's not there.<BR/><BR/>So what do I think about false advertising to catch a mate? I can't comprehend the concept.<BR/><BR/>I'm not really much of a blogger so what the heck am I doing writing such a long comment? <BR/><BR/>If you took the time to read this, I hope you were entertained.Jerryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15164680959022088394noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1144594206891567362006-04-09T07:50:00.000-07:002006-04-09T07:50:00.000-07:00I should have said "thinner to fatter."I should have said "thinner to fatter."Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1144546704796095922006-04-08T18:38:00.000-07:002006-04-08T18:38:00.000-07:00This is all pretty interesting, but there aren't a...This is all pretty interesting, but there aren't a lot of comments from men. I think most people prefer thinner than fatter. I'm pretty giant right now, having always been heavy and having been accustomed to using food as a comfort and a reward.<BR/><BR/>My wife and I split about 2 years ago (not due to weight--I'm the one who left). But the post-separation time was very hard, and I spent a lot of it eating too much and moving too little. Most women I've been interested in are clearly not into me mostly because of the weight. I've had at least two say the equivalent of, "if only."<BR/><BR/>I don't know if there's a point to my comment here except to say that weight is a struggle for many people; most people would prefer to be thin; and the world could use some kindness.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1144448223560366562006-04-07T15:17:00.000-07:002006-04-07T15:17:00.000-07:00Sorry, MIM, i *genuinely* don't mean for this to b...Sorry, MIM, i *genuinely* don't mean for this to be contentious. i was in the middle of responding when you posted what you just did, so thank you. that's what i was getting at, rather poorly. <BR/><BR/>and i hope this isn't the last we see of you here. it's been an interesting subject, and i think your opinions and insights are interesting and help spark discussion.<BR/><BR/>in any case, i'll certainly be seeing you over at your place.kristyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00879301751663532121noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1144447976722588572006-04-07T15:12:00.000-07:002006-04-07T15:12:00.000-07:00Okay, K, this is the last you'll hear from me. I ...Okay, K, this is the last you'll hear from me. I decided that the last part of my last comment was rude in tone and doesn't adequately address what you were saying. <BR/><BR/>I think what you're saying is that I may have a bias because I am thin, thus I may unintentionally use language that may appear to prejudice people who are overweight. Okay, I need to own that. Admittedly, it's hard because no one likes to think that what they say is prejudiced. <BR/><BR/>And, I should also add that I do think you are entitled to your interpretation, and I should not try to convince you otherwise. <BR/><BR/>Thanks again for engaging me.<BR/><BR/>Best,<BR/><BR/>MIMAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1144447186856893572006-04-07T14:59:00.000-07:002006-04-07T14:59:00.000-07:00Of coure *I* want to know how my husband feels -- ...Of coure *I* want to know how my husband feels -- that was my point. But my husband is also kind of quiet, so *I* may be the the one initating the conversation. There are probably SOME women who won't initiate this conversation. That was all I was saying.<BR/><BR/>And with respect to my biases, I'm not really sure what you mean by you haven't seen me own up to them. If you're suggesting I have a bias against people who are overweight, and I haven't owned up to it -- well, it is not my bias to own.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1144446398085234602006-04-07T14:46:00.000-07:002006-04-07T14:46:00.000-07:00MIM,yes, of course. quoting Kissing Jessica Stein...MIM,<BR/><BR/>yes, of course. quoting Kissing Jessica Stein quoting Nin, "we do not see things as <I>they</I> are, we see things as <I>we</I> are." i am not angry with thin people, i am envious. i am clear about that, too, and well aware of my own biases.<BR/><BR/>for the umpteenth time, i am using your post to indicate that many -- MANY -- people unwittingly make assumptions, have biases, take leaps, etc. about the overweight. your post seemed as good a post as any to point out when/how that can happen. and whether or not you were or are biased, frankly, isn't the point. it's that you jumped from one point to another, and many people went along with you, not needing or wanting further explanation. you touched a nerve for some reason in many of us, and not just because we are all "angry."<BR/><BR/>i have many times owned up to my own biases, interpretations, and subjectivity. i have not seen you do the same.<BR/><BR/>and for what it's worth, re: <I>my husband would never tell me he feels less attractive towards me because he loves me too much and would never want to hurt me.</I><BR/><BR/>this could probably be its own post, because i certainly feel worlds different. my husband/partner/boyfriend BETTER fucking tell me if he's feeling less attracted to me. i consider a change in his level of attraction to me very important, and not telling me -- especially if i ask -- seems to me like deceit. there are, of course, shades of gray, but i don't care how much the truth hurts. if my partner finds me less attractive, i damn well want to know and want to address it. i want to talk about it. i want to fix it. not just...what? guess? pre-empt?<BR/><BR/>as in my post today, Ish and i spoke frankly about my size and his feelings about it from the get-go. it was a bit uncomfortable, but i wanted to know, and he didn't want to hide his feelings. the communication started open and so will remain.<BR/><BR/>but i digress. maybe it will be another post...kristyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00879301751663532121noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1144445091150274272006-04-07T14:24:00.000-07:002006-04-07T14:24:00.000-07:00K, you bring up two really good points.First, "at ...K, you bring up two really good points.<BR/><BR/>First, "at what point does it matter?" Well, I think that depends on the couple. But here's the thing, my husband would never tell me he feels less attractive towards me because he loves me too much and would never want to hurt me. I suspect that a lot of spouses feel that way. So, what I found most interesting is how many women who read my post said, "My husband had better NEVER tell me I was gaining weight, or he'd be out on his ear!" This attitude only reinforces spouses having to keep silent about what affects them. So, instead of openly discussing it in a supportive and loving way, people may behave differently, like not initiating sex as often. What's also interesting is that women want to hear, "I'd love you even if you were 500 lbs." But if our husband comes home with a mohawk, like Em suggested, well, they are going to hear about it! See, all I was really trying to say is that there is another perspective to consider other than, "my spouse better love me no matter what." If husbands aren't going to voice their real feelings anyway out of love for us, then shouldn't we maybe be considerate of them -- just as we expect them to be considerate of ourselves? <BR/><BR/>Second, with respect to the issue of subtle biases -- well, this is a hard one. Some people saw my post as biased, and others (who are overweight) did not. I had my friend in OA read it, and she didn't think it was biased, but then again she's my friend so her perspective is biased. But she said something interesting -- she said she was glad she didn't have to feel anger towards thin people anymore. Her point was that if she had read it during her anger period, she would have seen all kinds of biases. But now that she's no longer angry, she didn't see them. <BR/><BR/>Now, K, I am NOT suggesting that you are angry. I'm just using this example to illustrate that everything is subject to interpretation and that interpretation is going to be based on the person's subjective experience and emotional state. Thus, I think -- to a certain extent -- we all need to be responsible for our own interpretations. That doesn't mean that these biases don't exist at all. Of course they do. What I'm saying is that biases can be found even where they don't exist.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1144431502243944402006-04-07T10:38:00.000-07:002006-04-07T10:38:00.000-07:00I have always hated the term "letting yourself go"...I have always <I>hated</I> the term "letting yourself go", but the one I hate even more is "taking care of yourself". Aaaargh! Please, please, give us a post on that so I can bitch about it more.MeJanehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03736003650098714494noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1144429168258808732006-04-07T09:59:00.000-07:002006-04-07T09:59:00.000-07:00You hit the logic nail on the head, Em. MIM's ass...You hit the logic nail on the head, Em. MIM's assertion that gaining (or losing) weight after marriage means that there was "false advertising" before the marriage is a fundamental flaw in her argument.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1144426146616455572006-04-07T09:09:00.000-07:002006-04-07T09:09:00.000-07:00oh, but also? just as a general rule as well? (n...oh, but also? just as a general rule as well? (not directed at you, MIM)<BR/><BR/>why is it okay to throw around the term "letting yourself go" and have it be SYNONYMOUS with "gaining weight"?<BR/><BR/>that's just another example of little leaps, little biases people carry around and don't even notice.kristyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00879301751663532121noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1144425828456824922006-04-07T09:03:00.000-07:002006-04-07T09:03:00.000-07:00hi em!! (and missy, too!) (miss you guys!!!) em...hi em!! (and missy, too!) (miss you guys!!!) <BR/><BR/>em: thanks for your super even-handed comments. i agree with you about MIM's other posts and her tone and everything -- she's a good read and has a fresh, snarky voice about something i've never otherwise heard snarkyness about (that being motherhood, etc.). so i just want to re-reiterate that i am/was using her specific post and specific text to point out the sorts of biases towards the overweight that exist in the subtlest of forms. i wasn't even addressing the false advertising element of it really at all.<BR/><BR/>that said, i think you covered the false advertising bases very, very well. i agree that it's largely a matter of intent and intent to deceive.<BR/><BR/>MIM: i think i understand what you're saying re: the woman in your class, and i am sure there are other women who operate similarly. however, more often than not, i think what happens (at least, in my case and in the case of a lot of my friends) is that i get comfortable without even KNOWING it. actually, both me AND my partner do. we don't consciously say, "hey, i think i'll gain weight now" but instead, meal by meal or day by day think, "oh, it's okay." and then it's 6 months and 15 lbs later...<BR/><BR/>the real concern to me -- or i think the real issue in these situations -- is, at what point does it matter? what if my partner is fine with my weight gain and finds me just as attractive as ever? meaning, if i've gained weight and don't really mind it and my partner doesn't either, then i think it's a non-issue.<BR/><BR/>if, however, my partner DOES have issues with it (etc.), i still don't think it's a matter of false advertising UNLESS his/her expectations for my remaining slim were something i encouraged. and even then, i think people change. i could profess while courting "i will NEVER be THAT heavy" and then, well, time and babies and life and whatever else later, maybe i COULD be. what then? i didn't intentionally lie. i didn't deceive. but priorities can change and, well.<BR/><BR/>we've beaten this poor horse. <BR/><BR/>but thank you, MIM, for the interesting fodder. :)<BR/><BR/>(my next post is related)kristyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00879301751663532121noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1144425085080452292006-04-07T08:51:00.000-07:002006-04-07T08:51:00.000-07:00Hello MIM,I wasn't trying to be fair with my offha...Hello MIM,<BR/>I wasn't trying to be fair with my offhand comment. It was a quip (often referred to as a cheap shot in America).Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1144422616133871582006-04-07T08:10:00.000-07:002006-04-07T08:10:00.000-07:00Em, actually I wasn't addressing your comment in m...Em, actually I wasn't addressing your comment in my last comment but thanks for taking the time to comment on my comment (hee hee). (And actually your comment made me blush, so I couldn't address it directly!)<BR/><BR/>Okay, I know what you mean about false advertising being intentionally deceptive. But I think people false advertise without meaning to. See, someone can tell themselves, "I'm staying fit for myself and only myself," and then once they're in a relationship, they just stop doing all those things that kept them fit. What's interesting is that the woman in my class who admitted to "plumping up" once in a relationship admitted doing this. She told me (and this wasn't in the post) that her pattern had been to "let herself go" because she was comfortable. She also said she'd never thought about from her partner's perspective. Then earlier this week, she told me she started exercising again (she's been in her current relationship for 2 years). Now, she's not just doing it for her patner, she's also doing it for herself, but looking at things from her partner's perspective has given her the motivation she needed. Anyway, this woman, I think, is an example of inadvertant false advertising. <BR/><BR/>Does that make sense?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1144411906360308692006-04-07T05:11:00.000-07:002006-04-07T05:11:00.000-07:00Okay... maybe I'm being pedantic here, but yet aga...Okay... maybe I'm being pedantic here, but yet again, I can't stop thinking about all of this!<BR/><BR/>MIM, I wasn't trying to imply that you, personally, believed that change wasn't part of marriage. Rereading what I posted, I can see how it came across that way, but it wasn't my intent. Rather, I was making an observation in general that marriages and people change, and expecting them not to is naive and ultimately can lead to (much) more harm than good. It was not a statement about you and your marriage, however, and I'm sorry if you took it as such.<BR/><BR/>You're absolutely right about false advertising. (I'd actually written MUCH more about that in my original post, but thought it was WAY too long, so I deleted it!) Purposely pretending to be someone you're not (or, as you said, "presenting yourself one way when you'd rather be another way") while in a relationship is sad and hurtful... to both parties. To the "advertisers" because it means that they don't feel that they can be themselves, which always backfires, and to the "buyers" who inevitably find out about the lying and feel deceived. I completely agree with you -- growing hair long if you much prefer it short, pretending to be into football if you can't stand contact sports, claiming to be a vegetarian when you're a card-carrying carnivore... all just to "impress" or "win" someone... not good.<BR/><BR/>But I must disagree with you on the weight gain thing. I simply don't see it as false advertising if you are one weight before marriage and then gain (or lose) large amounts of weight AFTER marriage. For me, false advertising carries with it the knowing INTENT to deceive -- PURPOSELY being someone other than who you are. Gaining weight happens for SO many reasons, and I think it's unreasonable for a partner to "expect" their significant other to close to that weight (or not to grow gray or not to get wrinkles or cellulite) forever. To me, that's not false advertising... it's life!!<BR/><BR/>Now, if the REASONS behind the weight gain specifically reflect a person reverting to their "real" self, then yes, I think that some false advertising is involved. For example, if I know that my boyfriend is a fitness nut, so I drag my sorry ass off the couch for the first time in years in order to "impress" him... But part of that is just normal relationship behavior, not lying. Of COURSE I'm going to want to be interested in my BF's activities. I'm going to go rock climbing if I'm terrified of heights, I'm going to walk in the 5K on Thanksgiving. Not to DECEIVE him, but because I LIKE him and I want to do the things that HE likes.<BR/><BR/>It only becomes false advertising if, over time, my boyfriend believes, deep down, that I *am* a fitness nut when I'm NOT, rather than that I'm joining him because I love him. And then if he marries me, perhaps in part because I'm a fitness nut like him... and suddenly, after marriage, I "revert to my real self" and get off the bike and back on the couch... Yes, that's false advertising. And if I gain weight because of my suddenly and unexpectedly being true to who I "really am," then I can see how the weight gain would go along with the false advertising bit.<BR/><BR/>But, in the vast majority of cases, I think that people gain weight not because they revert to their pre-marriage behavior, thus making it "unfair" to their spouses... but because that's just what <I> happens </I>. I don't see that as false advertising at all.Emily https://www.blogger.com/profile/10857785794498605437noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1144394313947398412006-04-07T00:18:00.000-07:002006-04-07T00:18:00.000-07:00i have a lot more to say, but it's 12:10 a.m. and ...i have a lot more to say, but it's 12:10 a.m. and i just got home, so i'll simply say to "fatlady" above, because she seems to have entirely missed my point, re: "skinny bitch" --<BR/><BR/>good lord. "skinny bitch" is a phrase used for false derision and with envious tones. (i believe MIM understands it as such.) additionally, please re-read the context in which the term was used, and understand that, despite false mockery of the first order, i *rescinded* the phrase because i couldn't justify using the term in earnest.<BR/><BR/>so there.kristyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00879301751663532121noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1144392446130360632006-04-06T23:47:00.000-07:002006-04-06T23:47:00.000-07:00What do I think? I think that MIM is right. It it ...What do I think? I think that MIM is right. It it true for some of the people overweight just as much as it's untrue for some of the other people who are overweight. There are many reasons for everything. What is your reason? That is hers and it is also mine.<BR/><BR/>I am not a "skinny bitch," but I would love to get there soon. If I keep working on it I will be skinny and healthy again. I should have started a few years ago, but I was busy, depressed and just didn't do it.<BR/><BR/>I feel bad that I put on the weight after my relationship started. He didn't meet me when I was this heavy. It does not seem like he cares at all, but I do. I love him and want to look good for him just as much as I want to look good for myself. Is that a bad thing? I might as well look good while I am in my 20's. I can't go back in time. How nice would it be for him to enjoy having a sexy skinny me by his side...for life. <BR/><BR/>In the end I did not respect my body or myself (one and the same) by getting this way. Can you say that you respect your body if you are overweight...and there is something you can do about it? Is it respecting yourself to put you at risk for an early death or other problems? Yeah, no...I don't think that is respect for yourself. That is what I caught from her posts. Please prove me wrong.<BR/><BR/>I did not think MIM was callous in her posts. I'm sure to others she sounded that way. That's the big problem with the Internet, you don't know what tone the other person is using. She may have been more harsh to some people who posted to her post, but they seemed harsh as well. Again, who knows. I don't know the tone they used either.<BR/><BR/>I don't read the two blogs talked about here, I just found this one on another blog and then read MIM's blog. From an outsider it looks as though she is asking for opinions and a discussion on this topic that interested her from her class. People freaked out because she had an opinion and even then, most people were pretty nice on her comments and just gave their opinions.<BR/><BR/>I was kind of disappointed, thought I was going to be reading a real "shit storm," but it really was pretty tame over there, just a few rude posts. But here it's like the whole thing has taken on a new life of it's own. She's now a "skinny bitch" when she never called anyone a "fat bitch."<BR/><BR/>Now if she had said that "this is the way things are and there are no other reasons for anything" I might agree with you, but she never did and she kept saying she never said what people were saying she said. phew.<BR/><BR/>Tiring isn't it?<BR/><BR/>If this post came up last year when I was still making excuses for myself and just trying to accept my body for the way it was, I would have been pissed too, but not now. I know better for me. It might not be the same for you. Your body is different. <BR/><BR/>But let me feel inspired by her post. I'm not a victim of myself anymore. I am going back to my normal body and no more size 18. I'm headed for size 12 again.<BR/><BR/>One thing I am very pleased about is that when I got heavy, I never spoke ill of skinny women. Never hated them or what they had to say. There is enough shit we have to deal with as women...no scratch that...people and this opinion that is right for some of the people, is not that big of a deal.<BR/><BR/>There are worse opinions about fat people out there. Totally untrue ones.<BR/><BR/>"Skinny bitch." What are you, 12?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1144385469772041872006-04-06T21:51:00.000-07:002006-04-06T21:51:00.000-07:00I forgot to add... I always wanted to be an artis...I forgot to add... <BR/><BR/>I always wanted to be an artist, but I didn't tell him right away (as in, 8 years) because it seemed stupid and impossible and it didn't seem like something I should think about because it was so entirely not practical. And then one day, 2 years into our marriage, I came home and told him that I absolutely needed to quit my job (that I was very good at and being paid a rather decent amount of money to do) so that I could go to art school. <BR/><BR/>And even though he knew some major things about himself and his goals (that I won't share here), he kept them from me for a long time into our marriage.<BR/><BR/>In both cases, these were cause for shock, as you can imagine, but I would never, ever, say either of us falsely advertised ourselves to snare the other one. <BR/><BR/>Ok, now I'm really going to bed.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1144384793040870632006-04-06T21:39:00.000-07:002006-04-06T21:39:00.000-07:00Just a quick thought, tangentially related, based ...Just a quick thought, tangentially related, based on my own marriage...<BR/><BR/>My husband is not the man I married. And thank goodness for that. <BR/><BR/>I mean, sure, TECHNICALLY he is. But he's changed in so many ways-- physically, emotionally, mentally-- that I can't even imagine comparing him today to the person he was on our wedding day, or even the person he was on the day we met. Furthermore, I *really* can't imagine wanting a relationship with the person he was the day we met, in high school, 13 years ago. <BR/><BR/>My point is that people change. To expect a person to stay exactly as they were the day you got married, is unrealistic and cheats both people involved. <BR/><BR/>I married him not just because of who he was in that moment, but because of what he wanted to become, and because of who I wanted to become, and because of what we wanted to become together. <BR/><BR/>Of course, a lot of that has changed, too, but at the core is an understanding that people are constantly changing and that I really wanted to be there to see those changes firsthand. <BR/><BR/>Did he falsely advertise himself when he was a music major and playing in a garage band and wearing his hair past his shoulders? Did I falsely advertise myself when I was an athlete who wanted to go to med school? I mean, my god, I'm an artist and haven't played sports in years and he's a philosophy professor who left his guitar in storage three moves ago... we aren't who we said we'd be, we don't look like we looked back then, but none of that matters.<BR/><BR/>I'm tired and going to bed. Night, K and all you other people.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1144384389976814782006-04-06T21:33:00.000-07:002006-04-06T21:33:00.000-07:00My years of experience have taught me that when yo...My years of experience have taught me that when you've lost a loved one, coped directly with a seriously ill child, other relative or friend, suffered from a disease or disorder yourself, or had other major, life-altering experiences, you realize that dwelling negatively on yours or your spouse's weight gain is so unproductive and unimportant. When you're swimming as fast as you can to get through the depths, you quickly relinquish life in the shallow waters. Give me a 300 lb. spouse and if he's loving and supportive when the chips are down, I'll count my blessings every time.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1144380952113826702006-04-06T20:35:00.000-07:002006-04-06T20:35:00.000-07:00Can depression often be helped by exercise? Yes. I...<I>Can depression often be helped by exercise? Yes. I'm not even going to argue this one; talk to your doctor about it. (Any doc worth his salt should be giving a pat little lecture about exercise, talk therapy, other options, etc. in addition to an Rx for antidepressants.)</I><BR/><BR/>Unfortunately, you are mistaken. Research has certainly shown that exercise can often help mild depression. However, it has not been shown to help MAJOR depression ("Major depression" is a clinical diagnosis). <BR/><BR/>Of course, it's worth trying -- assuming the depressed person is able get out of bed (which is a big assumption), but there is no sound research to support the contention that exercise has a significant effect on alleviating Major depression.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1144378077383360242006-04-06T19:47:00.000-07:002006-04-06T19:47:00.000-07:00Ah, yes, but false advertising isn't about genuine...Ah, yes, but false advertising isn't about genuine change. Genuine change is important to one's personal and emotional growth. False advertising is about presenting yourself one way when you'd rather be another way. Please people, I'm not even sure how you can assume I'm against change. My whole life has been devoted to change. <BR/><BR/>And, arabella, do you really think it fair or even a good analysis to judge someone's professional program based on ONE post? Cheap shot.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1144377007007827802006-04-06T19:30:00.000-07:002006-04-06T19:30:00.000-07:00Trying to stay afloat...Based on that single post ...Trying to stay afloat...<BR/><BR/>Based on that single post by MIM, I can absolutely see why K got her knickers in a twist, as it were. I agree -- it absolutely seemed as though MIM was assigning values to weight gain, and very negative ones at that. My family has a long, long, LONG history with depression, and even reading it in the same sentence with "weight gain" and "attractiveness" got my blood boiling.<BR/><BR/>So. Yeah. I got it. K's take on things made sense to me. Even if she didn't MEAN it that way, it definitely SEEMED as though MIM was applying her thoughts not to her own relationships, but to ALL relationships. I was ready to kick MIM'S skinny ass!!!<BR/><BR/>Then... I kept reading. Not just that post... but MANY of MIM's blogs. And discovered that she's fun to read. The more I read... the more confused I became, in general. <BR/><BR/>In order not to ramble on FOREVER, I'll just focus on one of the thousand thoughts I had: Appearances and marriage and being attracted to one's partner.<BR/><BR/>Hm. At first, I was horrified by MIM'S mere suggestion that appearance can = attraction which in turn can affect a relationship. I ranted and raved (out loud... by myself in the car...) all the way home about what BULLSHIT that was. Fuck, if I want to come home tomorrow a bleached blonde (quite a departure from my mousey brown locks), or if I want to get my tongue pierced... who the hell is my husband to say I can't??? And if he doesn't like it, SCREW HIM. Our marriage is built on mutual respect and friendship and LOVE, damnit, not my appearance, you shallow bitch.<BR/><BR/>Then, I thought about it some more, from the reverse perspective: If DH came home tomorrow with a mohawk, I'd be really put off. Not necessarily with the mohawk itself -- just that it was so different. I'd be shocked, and would have wanted him to discuss it with me. And I *might* even be less attracted to him. Not LOVE him less... but be less attracted, at least for the time being.<BR/><BR/>So. That was quite the shocker, realizing that about myself. I can absolutely say with 100% certainty that DH and I never even THINK of each other's appearances when we list what we love about each other. It's just not even on our radar. And yet... it's obviously still important. Hm. <BR/><BR/>Damn. I've rambled on WAY too much. In closing... I came to actually like MIM. I think she's got a great writing style, some refreshing views (after reading many of her other posts), and she seems like an interesting person. I don't think my DH and I approach our marriage from the same perspective as she and her DH do, but that's what makes the world go 'round. Do I wish that some of her posts hadn't seemed callous or attacking? And can I see why people got so worked up? Hell yes. But I still like her.<BR/><BR/>I do agree with Serrephim (and others before her), though. Purposely presnting yourself in an untruthful manner before marriage is false advertising, and is not okay. But, the fact is, one of the most wonderful things about people is that they DO change... all the time. It's part of what makes us human, and what makes relationships simultaneously new and exciting, yet absurdly challenging. To think that someone will stay the same over the course of a marriage is incredibly shortsighted. People will look different, weigh different amounts, act different, and feel different over time. What makes a marriage strong is not trying to avoid those changes, nor making sure you don't "falsely advertise" in the first place... but facing those changes together, and working to still love one another - changes and all.Emily https://www.blogger.com/profile/10857785794498605437noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10136851.post-1144365177927258312006-04-06T16:12:00.000-07:002006-04-06T16:12:00.000-07:00what's interesting to me about this discussion isn...what's interesting to me about this discussion isn't so much MIMs ideas about what it must mean about someone when they put on weight -- but the concept of applying "false advertising" to marriage.<BR/><BR/>I would think it obvious that no person stays exactly the same in appearance, nor do they stagnate at the point of marriage and never grow as a human again. <BR/><BR/>I think the better marketing-related quote to use for marriage is "Caveat Emptor" .... and if you make traditional vows (the for better, for worse, in sickness & health, etc kind) when you get married, that is exactly what you're agreeing to. <BR/><BR/>You can predict little in this life other than the fact that people WILL change, physically, mentally, emotionally, and if you go into marriage thinking your spouse is going to be the same person you married, 5, 10, or 30 years later, you are pretty much deceiving yourself.Serrephimhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01860746853228891590noreply@blogger.com