Friday, July 27, 2012

Fun With Fridays, The Olympics, And The Word Penis!

I have so much fun stuff for you today! In fact, let's make a list.

1. Opening Ceremonies Bingo Cards!

This amazeballoons blogger created lovely Bingo Cards for tonight's opening ceremonies. You should print them out and play, especially if you have friends over and want to keep them (and kids) entertained.


Opening Ceremonies Bingo Game



2. Opening Ceremonies Drinking Game!

Perhaps even better (YES I KNOW IT'S ALL ABOUT PREFERENCE), I found this amazing drinking game for tonight's ceremonies and it wins.


Olympics Opening Ceremonies Drinking Game
Image from sbnation.com
Indeed, what London lacks in precision group drumming it will make up for with nods to British culture: British music, British literature, royal figures, and crumpets -- all of the crumpets! It will be either a grand tribute to England as the Games begin, or a hilarious Frankenstein of cultural history ("No, no, no! The 40-foot Voldemort is supposed to come out to the Sex Pistols' cover of 'God Save the Queen'! Don't cue 'Hey Jude' until the 30 Mary Poppinses start descending from the sky.") Regardless, the event calls for a drinking game.


3. Here is a video of the US Olympic Swim Team singing "Call Me Maybe":



4. What did my favorite Chinese Wholesaler send to my inbox this week? 

Another women's bag.

Was it gorgeous? Beautiful? Useful, even?


No. It was just decent.


5. Last but not least? The word PENIS. 

Once a million years ago, my a cappella group was at karaoke and Roe who is awesome drew a picture of the word penis for absolutely no reason. I thought it was "artistic"...so I had another friend upload it and color it in and here it is. I don't know. Happy Friday.



Penis.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Hipster Toddler With BONUS! Sad Chinese Bag Girl

I don't totally understand where or how memes get started, but I'm pretty sure it's not from people taking pictures of their kids and then putting them on MemeGenerator and then blogging about it. Then again, maybe that's exactly how memes start.

Funny thing, this internet.

Anyway. I took the requisite* photo of toddler-wearing-oversized-sunglasses...

HipsterToddler

and then laughed at the result because she looked like such an over it hipster. So I decided to start this meme thing.

Hipster Toddler Digs Tacos

Hipster Toddler Is Over Your Tweets


You can create your own versions of Hipster Toddler here, if you're so inclined (if you do, let me know). Or go ahead and make your own! It's a fun thing to do when you're supposed to be watching your children.


This one is my favorite: 


Hipster Toddler Should Run Your Social Media
Because it's in direct response to a widely circulated, laughably stupid post by a recent college graduate called, "Why Ever Social Media Manager Should Be Under 25." 

::::BONUS::::


I got my Chinese Wholesaler email on Friday. Below was my favorite image... somewhere between "duckface" and abject misery.

Pretty Asian Girl Hates This Bag
"New Arrival Rivet Embellished Black Big Bag For Women"

Pretty and chic Chinese girl will buy your bag. But she won't like it.


*It's in the Parental Handbook. See also: Santa's Lap, Asleep In Carseat, Running Through Garden Hose

Monday, July 16, 2012

My Poor English & Shower Boobs

It all started with Pinterest, as so many internet adventures do.

I saw some totally cool item someone had Pinned, and I decided I should get it for my sister-in-law, Whitney, for Christmas.

In case you're wondering, this sells for the totally guessable price of $23.58.

Now, in an online-Christmas-present-buying frenzy, I didn't really pay attention to where this item was coming from. But at some point when I was going through my list of items purchased, I realized I never even received an order confirmation from this place.

I opened an account and issued a help ticket. The content of my inquiry was exactly as follows:
I Haven't Received Shipping Confirmation or Order Tracking info. I just want to be sure I receive this shipment in time for Christmas. Can you please update me on my order status?
And I awaited a reply, hoping that I hadn't given out my credit card to a fraudulent website, and also that the item from this Chinese Wholesaler wasn't actually being shipped from China. Two weeks before Christmas.

About a day later, I logged in and saw there was a reply waiting for me! Oh, happy day!
Hi, 
For you choose Flat Rate Shipping ,it will need 10-30 days to your country.you can't receive track information,but you can only know the send out time .The midway track information is blank.If you want get track information and want get it in time ,please choose DHL .bue you must pay us Additional postage. 
My English is poor ,so I can’t express myself well , if has grammar mistake , hoping you can forgive , thanks. 
Waiting your reply. 
Mandy
Well alright then.

I realized three things:

  1. Yeah. It was coming from China.
  2. No. It wouldn't be arriving in time for Christmas.
  3. Fantastic customer service, all things considered. And hey. They opened the door on this one, so I was going to pursue it...even though I knew no good could come of it.
Hi!  
I never received this reply via email. My email address is: kristysf@[gmail.com].  Yes, I would like to use DHL and pay additional shipping costs. Can you let me know what to do?

I anxiously awaited the reply.
Dear , sorry to tell you your order is shipped out 09/12/2011 .Tracking Number: [redacted] you can't receive track information,but you can only know the send out time .The midway track information is blank . if it get in time is ok ,and if it get out of time ,you can choose to refuse it and it will return to us . and you must tell me you refuse it ,when we received it ,we will give you refund . Sorry to tell you  that  My English is poor ,so I can’t express myself well , if has grammar mistake and misunderstanding , hoping you can forgive , thank you for your understanding and your patience. Mandy
I don't actually think her name is Mandy. Also, when I realized the "sorry about my grammar" sentence was cut-and-pasted, I felt way less special. I pushed on, though.

I just have one more question:   What is the midway tracking? What does it mean? Will I be notified when the product has reached the midway track point? 

Thank you so much, Mandy!
Mandy's response didn't disappoint.
For my poor english i can't express myself well , and don't know how to express ,it's so hard for me to explain , it means when it on the way , the express information will few and sometimes you will get no informations about it until you get it .  Can you understand?and can you tell me how to express in a word?
Of all the customer service experiences in my life, this had swiftly become my favorite. And you know what? It's really hard to get mad at someone who tells you "sometimes you will get no informations about it until you get it."

I replied saying thank you, I think I understand. And then Mandy sent the best answer of all.
It doesn't matter,your welcome  haha
WHY WAS MANDY LAUGHING AT ME?

Well, it's no matter and probably you're wondering about the boobs. So let me get there.

Not only did I eventually get the phone charger (first week of January), I also got added to the email list of Everbuying.com. And now I get weekly updates on Friday, and they are spectacular. In addition to selling the most random assortment of electronics stuff on the cheap, their Americanized advertisements are cultural vignettes unto themselves.

For instance, here was their Mother's Day promotional email banner:


I think -- think? -- whoever used this stock photo perceived the blond on the left to be the daughter of the man and woman on the right. Except um, no.

I think actually she is just the hotter neighbor-friend, and she's about to get some red wine in the face by this man's wife (who looks really, really pissed off).

On the upside, if you're ever at a loss for how to define "FAMILY"? Now you know.

I also had the opportunity to earn 8% off (???) by participating in a questionnaire, where I contributed to their further business life:



And yet none of this is anywhere near as amazing as what was in this last Friday's email.

Among Chinese-made tablets and cell phones and headsets, this set of product images...uh...stood out.


Popluar Shower Gel Sexy Breast Automatic Foam Soap Dispenser



You guys. Are you not amazed at the Gel Sexy Breast? And its foaming soap?

Well, before you purchase one (for the totally not-made-up price of $24.84), allow me to explain to you its many, many features, which I am not making up (although my commentary is in italics).

Main Features: 

  • Rubber breast attaches to flat surface with suction cups 
    Because you wouldn't want anything gaudy in your shower, like a hook. 
  • Novel foam soap dispenser 
    Yes. Novel. So very, very novel.
  • Sexy breast in the bathroom can make you shower more interesing
    AHAHAHAHAHA.
  • This is a pure soap security device 
    I was unaware that soap required security measures, but I don't know anything. "Quick! Hide the soap! Someplace they'll never look!" 
  • It is very creamy texture and soft touch 
    Can we agree at this point we're just talking about a sex device? 
  • Moderate size, it will not feel squeeze up a little uncomfortable 
    I have no idea what we're talking about anymore.
  • Can be hung in the toilet and the kitchen most of the place very easy
    YES! IN THE KITCHEN! For dispensing...soap? Or like, ketchup? Maybe mayo? 



So now I can't wait for Friday's emails. And if you're on my Christmas list? LOOKOUT.