Thursday, September 29, 2011

The Oxford Comma

Or, as I like to call it, The Series Comma:


I have shared this gem on Facebook, where it originated from a man named Paul Jeannotte whom I do not know. But wish I did.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The Great De-Plumping Project! Week 3!

This week was a tremendous success and not really a success. It depends on how half-full your glass is. Mine is definitely half-full. Of protein shakes that come out of little packets.

Hello, and welcome to my third week weigh-in on Medifast. Wherein I share a valuable life-lesson with you and I'm not even kidding.

You know. The more I make/watch these videos, the more I'm shocked I'm doing them. And also how bug-eyed I seem. I'm not saying that to be mean about myself, I'm just saying that I never SEEM bug-eyed in the mirror and then the camera comes on and...I don't know. Chins I get. My face looking rounder I get. But bigger eyes? Is this something having to do with lenses and physics?

Anyway, to prep you for this week's adventure-on-camera, please note the following:

  1. I dispense advice? Sort of? I don't know, I'm not what you would consider a "helpy" kind of person so feel free to ignore me. I just happened to learn a valuable lesson this week. So I shared.
  2. Some weird dubbing things happened. At least, I think it's called dubbing. I don't really understand how to make iMovie work -- I HATE IT. I HATE IT. I HATE IT. For some reason, my sound and picture get "off" somewhere halfway through and it seems like I've dubbed my video incorrectly. Which is just stupid. If I knew how to dub my movies I'd give myself a wicked cool accent and/or a Japanese voice track that I'd just publish captions over. DUH.
  3. I'm getting my roots done on Thursday.

GREAT GOOGILY MOOGILY! WTF KIND OF THUMBNAIL IS THIS???


OOH! MORE BLOGGING ABOUT MY BOOBS!

Thank you all for chiming in last week about scary bra-shopping and giant boob sizes. You are very helpful. (More "helpy" than I, anyway.) The reality is that I have NO idea if my boobs will get smaller as I lose weight, but that's what's happened every OTHER time in my life I've lost weight, so I'm hopeful. 

I agree that it is worth getting fitted for a bra if you haven't been. I have, repeatedly. 

I also agree that shopping at weird European stores is the only way to get some bras that fit. My sports bra cost more than my running shoes and it came from London. Which sounds kind of sexy but I assure you IT IS NOT. It's like a Medieval torture device updated to be soft and white and to "breathe." But even less sexy than wearing it is getting IN to it. NO I WILL NOT POST THAT VIDEO.


DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION FOR ME?

Sorry, that's a total douchey question. ("Like reading about ME? Let's ask more about ME!") But honestly I have NO idea what I'm doing making these crazy videos, so if there's something you'd like me to say or do or answer, I'd love to have something to go on. 


As promised, you can order Medifast at a discount ($50 off an order of $275 or more) by using Coupon Code: SHEWALKS



Yes, Medifast is sponsoring me, but I'm certain they didn't expect a frizzy-haired lunatic with bad roots to start posting videos on YouTube talking about her issues, so kind of the disclaimer goes both ways. 


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

The Great De-Plumping Project! Week Two! Boobs!

Yesterday morning I woke up, weighed myself, and decided to run to the computer to make a Week Two video. Before coffee.

This means I'm crazy. It also means:
  1. I am not wearing makeup OF ANY KIND and my hair is hilariously morningesque.
  2. The angle of the camera is about as unflattering as it can get, short of maybe sitting on the camera. Which I promise I will never, ever do. It's just that...somewhere under my jowels is actually a pretty face. Or, you know, pretty enough. PrettiER, certainly.
  3. I am mostly coherent, except I decide to chat about my boobs and then make references that are completely terrifying, such as "bowling balls in grocery bags" and then something about buying drugs from Canada and ordering brides from the Ukraine. 
I don't know what else to tell you. I've lost weight, but you'll need to watch my pre-7a.m. video to find out how much.



Reminder: You can order Medifast at a discount -- $50 off an order of $275 or more -- by using Coupon Code: SHEWALKS 




Yes, Medifast is sponsoring me, but I'm certain they didn't expect a pre-caffeinated lunatic to start posting videos on YouTube talking about her boobs, so kind of the disclaimer goes both ways. 

Sunday, September 18, 2011

The Great De-Plumping Project!

I started Medifast on Tuesday, September 6, 2011.

Who starts a weight-loss program on a Tuesday? Shutup, whatever.

As some of you know, I went on Medifast about eight months after Eve was born (March '10), and was largely (HA, PUN!) successful except for a few wagon fall-offs, followed by getting knocked up again. So, right.

Now it is fall, 2011, which you know already. But also, I am four months post-partum, and weigh EXACTLY WHAT I WEIGHED WHEN I STARTED MEDIFAST THE FIRST TIME.

Nothing like going back to the drawing board.

But this time, there's no chance of a pregnancy to derail me. Really, there's nothing in my way anymore at all except me. Hello, clean slate.

And what's the big deal anyway, right? If I can restrict my diet (read: wine) for 9 months of pregnancy --  TWICE -- why can't I do the same one more time? I mean, no, there's no kid on the other end of this, but there IS health. And energy. And WAY better shopping.

So here it is. My video series. VIDEO SERIES. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. I'm calling this my Great De-Plumping Project.




Thank you all for your encouragement and sharing your #s below. It made all the difference in the world.


P.S. I'm sure I need to give this series a better and more SEO-friendly name that's also funny and clever, but "De-Plumping" was all I could come up with. I suppose "From MLOB to MILF" could work, even though "MLOB" doesn't mean anything, it just sounds like BLOB or GLOB. Which totally works. So, I'm looking for suggestions. Although if you tell me I have to call this something like "Fat Mom Gets Fit" I will throw a Medifast shaker jar at you.

P.P.S. You can order Medifast at a discount -- $50 off an order of $275 or more -- by using Coupon Code: SHEWALKS 


Yes, Medifast is sponsoring me, but I'm certain they didn't expect a lunatic in stripes to start posting to YouTube, so kind of the disclaimer goes both ways. 

Friday, September 16, 2011

Tell Me To Do My Scary Thing

If you've been reading me at all for even just a little while, you probably know two things about me:

1. I need to lose weight.

2. I don't really do "inspiration." Not in the traditional ways. If you find my being totally, brutally honest here in any way inspiring, that is wonderful and I love it and yay! for Invisible Internet Friends. But I have no religion of any kind, I'm not spiritual, and I'm not really self-helpy. Oh, I explore my inner-workings as much as the next blogging navel-gazer, but mostly I make fun of myself and the world around me.

If you were to read me and think mostly I'm kind of ridiculous, you would be correct.

But I have been a fan of MissBritt's for a really long time, and she wrote something a couple days ago about Doing [Her] Scary Thing. And she caught me off-guard. I must have been in the right frame of mind or openness of heart or I'm not even sure what -- this "inspiration" thing is out of my comfort zone -- but I think that's what happened. She inspired me. (THAT BITCH.)

Wanna know my scary thing? I'll tell you. Actually, no, I'll SHOW you. Probably. Maybe. Maybe. Probably. But hold on, wait a sec.

Here is half of it:

I started doing Medifast in the spring of 2010 because it is an easy-but-serious weight-loss plan and I was serious about losing weight, finally. And it was working (when I followed the program, which I mostly did) and then a bunch of dumb things happened at once that threw me off-course and then I got pregnant.

It's now a year-and-a-half AND A BABY later, and I'm ready, again. This is the last time. This is the final frontier. This is my "now or never" moment. I am done having kids. And after spending the last three years pregnant or recovering from being pregnant, I am primed to get down to a normal size.

We can discuss my actual goals and stuff later.

This is about my scary thing.

Inspired by Britt, I made a video. 

I made a video. Of me. Talking. And showing you my body. And saying THIS IS HOW MUCH I WEIGH.

I just sort of...did it. One take, mistakes and all, just to do it before I talked myself out of it.

But I haven't posted it anywhere because that is the scariest thing I could think of to do. To really show you me. After all these years. Chubby cheeks, jutting butt and all, telling you how much I weigh.

My thought is that I will vlog -- YES I SAID VLOG -- this whole weight-loss thing. If I can be brave enough to tell you the whole truth. To show you the whole truth.

I want to, but I'm scared. I don't even know of what, exactly. Will you think less of me because of how I look? Will someone comment that I'm fat? (Duh. And how could that POSSIBLY be surprising?) Will sharing my "number" take away something? (How could it?) Can I, someone who has been hiding from cameras (and untagging photos on Facebook) for YEARS really put it all out there? For really real?

I...I'm close. But I need someone to push me off the ledge.





*By the way, this isn't meant to be a baiting post. I really just want to hear that I'm not totally crazy from someone who isn't my husband (who thinks I might be a little crazy). 


Tuesday, September 06, 2011

The Top 10 Weirdest Things On "Yo Gabba Gabba"

UPDATED: CORRECTION TO #3 BELOW

Yo Gabba Gabba is our favorite kids' show.

We didn't start out loving it, of course. We started out with the reaction everyone has when they first see it: What...the...hell? 

Um?

But we kept watching because our child was mesmerized by its splendor, and it took only about two episodes before we experienced The Transformation.

The Transformation. Where you go from thinking it's the weirdest show that's ever existed to embracing it. From being all "these characters look suspiciously like sex toys" and "that whiney green thing seems to have some very special needs" to loving that, in Gabba Land, God is basically a gay black DJ who wears an orange jumpsuit and matching fuzzy hat.

Instead of complaining about the pitiful rhyming scheme of the characters' songs (it's like they make up the words as they go along), you start singing them yourself all day, all night.

And if you're anything like us, you go from being the parent who's never heard of The Ting Tings or Mates of State to being grateful for the one thing in your life that connects you -- however tenuously -- to music and bands relevant to people under the age of 35.

Thanks to Yo Gabba Gabba, I was excited to hear that MGMT was at Outside Lands. Even if the only song I know is "Art Is Everywhere."


Yes.  I could easily make a list of the best things YGG's ever done because there are lots of them -- probably my favorite bit is Weezer singing "All My Friends Are Insects" while dressed like bugs, but Biz Markie, Mix Master Mike, everything Mark Mothersbaugh has ever drawn, and Marshall's cool spoon trick rank right up there, too. The entire "Dress Up" episode is epic.

But. There are still a few things in the YGG canon that give me pause. A few things that still make me squint at the television and wonder if my daughter's gonna make it out of toddlerhood okay. And, having seen every episode a bazillion times, I feel I am as qualified as anyone to make a list of the strangest things that have ever happened in Gabba Land. So here it is.

The Top Ten Weirdest Things That Have Ever Been On Yo Gabba Gabba

10. Leslie

I can see why anyone involved in the making of YGG would see Leslie and think SHE HAS TO BE ON THE SHOW. That's not the weird part.

This makes as much sense as anything.

The weird part is kind of everything else about her. I want to think it's awesome that she champions gold lamé jumpsuits with excessive fringe, but I can't quite bring myself to be 100% behind her artistry. Almost. Just not quite.

Maybe it's because I saw this video of her (entirely unrelated to Yo Gabba Gabba) and is one of the strangest things I have ever seen in my whole life. Watch even just five seconds of this and you'll never be the same.





9. Super Martian Robot Girl: The Pink Monster Edition

Super Martian Robot Girl is great, if for no other reason than she's a female comic book/cartoon superhero who's neither half-naked with boobs the size of her head NOR a Japanese school girl.

She's just a feisty thing who runs around and solves problems. I look forward to the day when my little girl wants to be Super Martian Robot Girl for Halloween.

But the episode where there is a small monster made of pink globs is just a little uncomfortable. I don't know if it's because we don't know what the wavy pink globs are made of (bubble gum? vomit?), or if it's that the poor thing can't tell the difference between a picture of ice cream and its own mother.


But between the lost baby glob-monster and the cowboy and the man in a suit and bowler hat...I don't know. It deserves mention.




8. Shrinking The Cast To The Size Of Oski Bugs

There's a lot that's odd about the "Bugs" episode of YGG, but okay. I can get behind teaching kids that bugs are interesting and worthy of respect.

But we move from "Bugs, okay" to "EWWW BUGS EWW" when, at Muno's behest, Plex shrinks the whole cast down to the size of "Oski" bugs so that they can visit with the Oski bug world. Which I guess sort of makes sense in a fantastical "Honey I Shrunk The Kids" kind of way...


...except that somewhere between them crawling into a bug-infested log and the bug-birthing scene, you lose me.
This is the Oski bug queen who sings faux-operatically
and deserves reverence despite her Play-Dough eyeglasses.

Maybe I just don't like bugs.



7. The Fairy Tale Song About A Princess And Her Magical Tooth

Above all, Yo Gabba Gabba is a show about music. Between the background music, songs the characters sing, guest songs on The Super Music Friends Show, various Dancey-Dances, background music and the final episode remix, there is a LOT of music packed into each episode. My husband and I know all the words to many of the songs, but some of them sort of blend into the background.

I paid no attention to this particular princess-dragon-story song until I found myself asking, "Wait. Did she just say the princess had a magic tooth?"



Well, yes. She did. And so this story -- sung by I don't even know who -- makes this list. The lyrics:
Listen to a fairy tale about a princess who was up in a tower
A sneaky dragon flew along with a plan to take her back to his castle
But he didn't know she had a magical tooth
[ed. note: CAN YOU BLAME HIM?]
And after she smiled he turned into a golden goose
The village bandit heard the news about this golden goose and decided to steal him
Buckled up his flying shoes and he floated up to the top of the tower
But to his surprise, the magic princess so wise
Took her golden goose and disappeared before his eyes
And drifted away
To a new forest
And a new castle
Now the princess and her goose live in a land of love and peace and flowers
In a new village with their friends
And they lived happily ever after
The end


It's just that ASIDE from the crazy magical tooth, this princess has to escape both a sneaky dragon AND a village bandit, which basically lands her in Witness Protection.



6. Sukho 

Like everything on this list, Sukho is so progressively cool that he, and his theremin, cross over into totally bizarre.


Oh, it's totally cool that he is playing air! I just...he is playing air!



5. The Creepy Circus Ringleader Looking For Performers

In a "weirdest" of Yo Gabba Gabba list, I'd be remiss not to mention the episode featuring Weird Al Yankovich. He does not disappoint.


Essentially, Weird Al plays a circus ringleader who comes to town in search of...um...a circus? I don't know, it's not exactly clear. He has a circus, but there's no one who actually performs in it, so kind of he appears in Gabba Land asking if there are any freaks for his show.

HE'S IN LUCK.

A few weird scenes later (including Sarah Silverman teaching Muno how to be a MIME and the most terrifying clown song ever), Weird Al has collected quite a few performers for his "circus."

The lesson, kids, is that when a weird man wanders through town and asks you to join his non-existent "show," you should say yes without question. If there's a calliope in his white van, all the better.



4. Gooble

The rumor is that "Gooble" was actually a Muno costume design gone awry, but they decided to bring him into regular character rotation. He's always sad and always crying, and there's never any explanation given. Whenever he appears he's largely ignored.


Making Gooble an emotionally challenged albino cousin for no known reason.



3. Worm Babies

The fact that they're called "worm babies" should be qualifier enough.

In the episode where we're teaching the YGG cast "Don't be afraid, don't be scared; all of us are different," one might think no outside help would be needed. The cast is plenty diversified as-is.


And yet.

Muno has this weird relationship with a giant worm named <s>Armand</s> Archibald. (Note to self: Yes, I just typed that.)

Then Archibald asks Muno to babysit his "worm babies" while Archibald tends to adult worm business.

Image SHOULD say "Armand & Annie: Worm. Babies."

And if you stop for even two seconds to think about any of these things (Why is there a giant worm? At all? Do worms HAVE babies? Where could a giant worm NAMED ARCHIBALD be going? Especially since Gabba Land is the size of one three-foot-long table?) you are clearly not a sleep-deprived parent of a baby and have no business watching this show.

Anyway,  Muno agrees to watch the worm babies and Toodee and Brobee are afraid of them and the worm babies are afraid of Toodee and Brobee. And then they say "hi" to each other and everyone gets over their fears and there is more singing.

Worm. Babies.


*UPDATE: I was wrong in my original post. I called the adult worm Armand, but Archibald is the dad. Armand and Annie are the worm babies.



2. Every Interstitial

Yo Gabba Gabba is a many-layered show. Once you get over the initial shock and awe and start appreciating it for the wacky, lovable freak show it is, you don't even pay attention to the scene changes.

But you should. Because they are quick and colorful and where YGG secretly sneaks in the weirdest shit of all. These four-second clips are happy bits of transition you totally ignore until you realize there's a child sitting atop a half-trophy, half-frog-bulb, and no amount of sleep-deprivation can reconcile these images for you.





1. Brobee Cake

::SPOILER ALERT::

In the episode about Brobee's birthday, the cast DIDN'T actually forget about Brobee, they surprise him with a big party with a Brobee Cake at the end.

::END SPOILER ALERT::

I'm not sure what the proper etiquette is for making a cake that's supposed to look like the person the cake is for. Probably Martha Stewart is against this. We can all agree it's highly questionable.

But then not only does Brobee Cake LOOK like Brobee, it walks and talks. It's fully animated.



And in the most uncomfortable scene of all Yo Gabba Gabba episodes, Brobee Cake asks Brobee, "YOU WANNA PIECE OF ME?"

Which would kind of be cute if it weren't for the cannibalism.

Here, we witness Brobee eating a piece of his
cake-doppelganger who is still alive and talking to him.

What birthday party isn't complete without a little happy cannibalism?

______________________________________________________________________________

And there you have my round-up of the 10 Weirdest Things on Yo Gabba Gabba. What do you think? Did I get it right? Did I miss any glaring weirdness?

Don't be afraid, don't be scared. All of us are different.