Monday, October 31, 2005

Proud Kristy

yeah, no.

no pictures of ike and tina.

you know how sometimes you think you look a certain way (fantasy), and then you actually see the pictures (reality)?

kids, i was horrified. horrified.

i mean, i have been working out. i have been eating better. i have been drinking less. i have been way more active and healthy. i have been losing weight (but let us not discuss my issue with the scale at the gym -- lo, that is an entry unto itself).

so the fact that i ended up looking like i was wearing a black fringed muu-muu is rather disconcerting.

muu-muu!

so yeah. i'm going to have to re-buckle down as these here holidays approach and remind myself that even though i'm making progress (reality) i do still have a long way to go before i should consider wearing fringe again (fantasy) (for now).

and sure, maybe eventually i'll show you my tina pictures, but let's hope that by that time, we can dub them "before."

Is It A Trick!?!?

i don't mean to alarm anyone, but i think i may have solved the cat peeing problem.

it's still too soon to tell, but i am ever hopeful.

i will let you know (as soon as it's confirmed) if this is a holiday hoax (uh, perpetrated by cats?) or if halloween has somehow bewitched monster into changing his eeeeevil ways...

Trick Or Treat

Happy Halloween, everyone.

i do realize that this "holiday" is for children. and that is why i'm thrilled that my sister sent me the photos she did, because they are damn cute and also remind me that not everyone in my family is a lunatic.

whereas the pictures i took from the weekend were...well...maybe not so much cute. funny? yes. cute? um. lunatic? probably.

for starters, Ish and i went as Ike and Tina Turner. there was fringe. there was gold lame. there were feigned bruises. there were cosmos.

a good time was had by all.

but probably i'm too old to be doing that.

in any case, here's my sister and nephew -- apparently her entire office decided to go as Waldo this year.





(click for larger)






is that not the cutest thing you've ever seen?

what? shutup, yes it is. okay, fine -- maybe YOU have kids of your own who you think are cuter, but it's all relative (har, har) and this is the closest thing i've got to a kid of my own (cats notwithstanding) and so as far as i'm concerned, this is the cutest child on the planet.

and anyway, i have to get back to working now, since our halloween party starts in 30 minutes, and i've given myself Diet Amnesty until tomorrow.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Arts & Crafts & Crap &...

this is not an entry, in case you were wondering.

i am just casually making mention of the fact that one* should never buy plastic wrap from a $0.99 (& up) store ever, unless you are strangely masochistic.

because plastic wrap is friggin' hard enough to negotiate when it's NOT super-cheap-ass wrap because you've gone that extra dollar and splurged on name brand plastic wrap like "saran."

but ohmyholyjesus, when you do find yourself in the $0.99 (& up) store, and you do buy some $0.99 (& up) plastic wrap, you will then be subjected to some unbelievably challenging Adventures in Cheap Plastic Wrap wherein you will be taught new lessons in physics and immediately have to pour more wine. because the world of super-cheap-ass plastic wrap is very, very ugly.

especially when it involves litter box mock-ups.

okay. maybe i should back up.

(fuck. i think this is now an entry. my apologies. blame the wine.)

so i decided that maybe the key to solving the riddle of the entranceway cat peeing is providing a second litter box. and before you recoil in horror at my providing only one litter box for two grown cats, please understand that my cats have lived together since they were born, and have been fine using just the one litter box until recently**.

so on sunday i went to walgreens to buy a litter box, but they didn't have one, so i bought shaving gel instead.

no, for me.

anyway.

so then last night i stopped in at the grocery store on the way home from work and discovered they didn't have a litter box, either. which was annoying and stupid so i left and didn't buy any groceries at all in an act of defiance.

(certainly my act of civil pseudo-disobedience has caused cala foods to rethink their stance on carrying litter boxes.)

so as i am storming out of the grocery annoyed at how difficult it seems to be to buy a simple, cheap plastic box (since i am not investing in an expensive plastic box until after i have conducted this experiment and have learned if a second litter box will solve my problem or simply leave my bathroom overrun with litter), i become aware of the fact that there is a $0.99 (& up) store on my way home and maybe-just-maybe they will have something.

so i stop in.

and can i just say, san francisco has some weird little stores.

i have no idea how or why this particular store was conceived. it's not like even a majority of the stuff in there is priced at $0.99.

it's just a weird, cheap-ish store with two aisles full of kitchen tools and soaps and sponges and wrapping paper and nail polish and candles and car fresheners and balloons.

and, well, also plastic bins.

except not the right kind of plastic bins. however, when one* is tired and feeling defeated, one might decide to just make due, by way of concluding: well gosh, this plastic bin is the right size and shape, who cares that there are HOLES throughout it? i will simply LINE THE SIDES of the bin with something. OH! like this here $0.99 store plastic wrap (that for some reason costs $1.99). perfect! i will buy the plastic wrap and line the plastic box and then maybe put one of those cat liner bags down and fill it with litter and see if monster doesn't think it's swell.

and that's what i did.

and because i tried to NOT make this an entry, i will NOT now detail for you the ugly, ugly elements involved in trying to:
  • simply OPEN a box of non-name-brand plastic wrap
  • find where the roll of non-name-brand plastic wrap STARTS (though i will say this is quite a trial and error process involving much scratching and cursing)
  • pull non-name-brand plastic wrap out of the (now ripped) box without considerable tearing
  • use the torn "edge" of a non-name-brand plastic wrap box to try and rip off one full sheet of plastic wrap without tearing it to shreds
  • get non-name-brand plastic wrap to stick to ANYTHING, particularly the inside of a holed plastic bin (would you not think that The Physics would help you out here? because i would. i would definitely think that plastic sticks to plastic rather easily, but apparently The Physics knows i'm a dumbass)
  • get non-name-brand plastic wrap to STOP sticking to YOU

no. i will not give you more details, but i will report that in the end, i (sort of) won. the box that the plastic wrap came in is irreparably damaged, sure. and the roll of wrap is probably not reusable.

but.

the bin eventually had wrap all around it. and i did add a plastic liner bag, and cat litter, and set up the new fresh thing in the other corner of my bathroom.

and then thanked god for wine and went to bed.

and when i got up the next morning, do you know what i found?

i found that the OTHER cat had used the new box, then spent such a considerable effort trying to bury what he'd done that he'd scratched the liner bag into the center of the box, along with the plastic wrap, so that there was just one big round torn ball of litter inside strips of plastic liner bag and plastic wrap.

and cat pee on the floor, next to it.

thankfully, i had just purchased some new $0.99 (& up) sponges as well. just in case.



*i

**except sometimes when Monster gets angry at doorways; always doorways.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

AC - CEN -TU - ATE THE POS - I - TIVE!

okay. somehow, for some reason, my blog comments have become increasingly angry, bitter, sad, judgmental, and personally attacking.

and you know, that is just no fun for me.

it can't be much fun for you.

so i have a new policy! (hurrah! aren't policies fun! wheeee!) and that policy is:

::i will delete negative anonymous posts anytime i feel like it::

just like that! *poof* bad stuff gone!

i was trying to behave with all this like, integrity and shit, and leave all comments left by everyone, no matter how destructive they were, in the spirit of community and free speech and all that.

but frankly, i have spent waaaaay too much of my time and energy pouring over anonymous posts that may or may not have come from people i know, who may or may not have the slightest idea what they're talking about, who are then given way too much time and space and validation by me and all the others.

but if you're claiming to be my friend and like, can't own up to it -- well, something doesn't make sense there, you know? so no more of that nonsense!

instead, let's reset the tone. rewind to the days of writing about knitting, and mayonnaise, and bad kisses, and empty fridges, and moments of breezy elegance, and all my drunken mishaps without fear of moralistic retribution.

maybe i'll change my mind later. who knows? but i want to go back to this being fun. because it's my party and i'll blog (write, comment, delete, tra la laaaaaa) and pour another martini if i want to!

Monday, October 24, 2005

Charmed, I'm Sure

a really good sense of humor isn't just something i look for in a guy, it's something i absolutely require. because if you're going to date me, you're going to need it. well, that and an appreciation for martinis.

so okay.

we have already established that i am not so much good at The Physics or The Math, as illustrated in my not getting how things work (like gravity) and in my messing up knitting patterns because i do things like multiply 6 by 8 and get 56 (repeatedly).

and now it is time to explain the extent to which i am also not good at The Chemistry.

last night* Ish was headlining at a funky spot downtown and several of my lovely friends joined me in watching the show. and of course we had a swell time because not only was the comedy good but the club has a BYO liquor policy (and i am sure it will come as no surprise to you that my friends and i are no slouches in the BYOing department).

and so i started with the wine.

but kristy, you might be saying now, i thought you said something about martinis, not wine.

and then i would have to say, unfortunately dear IIF, the two are not mutually exclusive.

and then you might wince at the thought of drinking wine and martinis in the same evening and realize that this story is going to get very ugly very quickly.

because yes. sitting at the comedy club, enjoying the show, my friends' company, and wine, i was having a fabulous time. and then the ExBoy offered me champagne -- good champagne -- and i decided that would also be fabulous.

oh, and it was.

and then the show was over and we all gathered outside to go somewhere en masse, and i suggested the bar/restaurant/dancefloor atop the san francisco hilton since it was practically across the street and the dancing there is extremely cheesy and thus, when you're with 14 other people, fantastic.

and we arrived just in time for the bulk of the people who were dining to leave, and for the dj to start up with a lovely ensemble of ridiculous dance songs from the early-to-mid 90s. and the venue was perfect and the views were spectacular and all was well until we get to the part about The Chemistry.

Ish looked at me and asked me the very unfortunate question, "would you like a drink?"

answer that should be given by someone with even just a passing acquaintance with The Chemistry: oh, Ish, no. you see, while i've been known to have a rather remarkable tolerance in the past, body chemistry is not a constant. i have been eating much better, working out, and drinking less over the last several weeks. as such, the wine and champagne i've already consumed has brought me to my limit.

answer that could be given by someone with a passing acquaintance with The Chemistry whose judgment is perhaps slightly impaired by wine and champagne: well, i probably don't need another drink, but i suppose one more glass of wine won't kill me. hey, at least i'm not mixing liquors.

answer that was given by me: sure! how 'bout a martini?

now, to be fair to my own stupidity, i held that first martini like a champ.

(uh, didja catch that? where i said "first" martini? right.)

and things were still fine and the dancing was great and the views were still spectacular and all was still well except this is the point in The Chemistry class where you think you're adding de-ionized water to the test tube but discover, in a rather unfortunate manner, that it's something far more reactive.

like, say, a second martini.

because yeah. pouring that second martini into my body was like pouring a tube of...

um...

ah...

[oh for fuck's sake. i wanted to compare the martini to like, something you could mix in chemistry class that would start off looking okay but actually be a really bad combination. but i can't because i have no idea what i'm talking about because as you probably recall-- even if i can't -- i'm REALLY BAD AT THE CHEMISTRY.]

anyway.

wine + champagne + martinis + more healthy = lowered tolerance = downward spiral.

and so just moments after most of my friends were leaving the bar, i had to sit down to stop the world from spinning and my head from crashing into the floor. and then after i regained some sense of equilibrium, i decided to go to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face (before trying to figure out how i could possibly manage a cab ride home).

now, this is the point in the evening where it is actually a good thing that you are as drunk as you are because if you were any bit more sober you would start sobbing in mortification because you are:
a. having trouble standing,
b. unsure how you will manage to get home given a., and
c. still in the throes of a new relationship where you are trying to impress your boyfriend.

that's impress. not throw up on.

so right. i fumbled my way into the ladies' room to splash cold water on my face, and Ish -- because he is good and kind or maybe just psychic -- followed me in.

now, a far more adventurous (and steadily upright) couple might use their stolen moments in a large, private restroom more...adventurously. but i, in my breezy elegance, could not be adventurous because i had to focus all my energies on solving The Chemistry problem. and by the time i made it into the ladies’ room, i'd forgotten my water-splashing objective completely and instead decided it would be best if i went into a stall to have a few moments alone.

so i locked the door, put the seat down, and sat down to think.

clearly there must be a solution to this Chemistry problem, i thought. uh, except maybe not in those terms exactly. (no, the terms i believe i used were, “god, i am so drunk. how can i not be drunk? i am too drunk. i should not be so drunk. how did i get this drunk? who made me this drunk? how can i not be so drunk? wait, maybe i am not so drunk. hmmm. oh god, i am so drunk.")

and while i was laboriously pondering these various Chemical Hypotheses**, i didn’t really have the mental bandwidth to process the sound coming from outside the stall. but if i had, i would have heard a lot of…rustling. yeah.

and maybe i would have asked what that rustling sound was, because that is maybe not the sound you want to hear from your boyfriend in the ladies’ room (assuming, there is ANY sound you want to hear your boyfriend making inside a ladies’ room).

so of course i eventually decided that there was absolutely no way to solve The Chemistry problem and even genius chemists would find the problem challenging and that The Chemistry is clearly really very stupid and if i had been taking a test in high school it would have been at that point where i’d have given up, handed the test in, and hoped for make-up homework. so right, i decided i had to leave the stall, Chemically challenged and all.

and when i did, i was rather surprised. i opened the door to find Ish pulling his hands out of the paper towel bin. and given my already perplexed mind, i was absolutely confounded.

“what are you DOING?” i asked, probably with a notable slur.

Ish looked at me and held up a clean plastic trash bag he’d rescued from the bin. “i thought you might need this for the ride home,” he said.

and that is when i realized i am dating the most brilliant man who has ever lived. einstein? chemistry? damn you both to hell. i have a street-smart, drunk-savvy comic. take that! seriously. i am a bit fuzzy still on the details, but it’s possible that his presenting me with a plastic bag may have moved me to tears.

uh, on the other hand, being moved to tears while under the influence of The Chemistry wasn’t half the feat that moving me to a cab was.

frankly, i have absolutely no idea how we made it down the stairs and into an elevator and onto the sidewalk and into a taxi, but we did. and i will attribute this to more – if fuzzy – brilliance on the part of Ish.

anyway.

if i were a cab driver, i'm not sure that i’d be too thrilled about allowing a clearly inebriated couple into my car, especially given that one half of the couple was already clinging for dear life to a clear plastic ladies’ room garbage bag. but then, maybe if i were a cab driver i wouldn’t notice the bag until it was too late.

like when the oh-so-breezily elegant blond started hurling, mightily, into it.

ah, me.

so let’s conclude this lesson in The Chemistry, shall we?

hypothesis: k is a good girlfriend

given:

  • tolerance = not a constant / change in body chemistry = change in tolerance
  • change in tolerance [MUST EQUAL] change in amount of alcohol consumed {{OR}} change in tolerance + constant amount of alcohol consumed = needing plastic bag in cab
  • k + stupidity in The Chemistry [ALSO EQUAL TO] plastic bag in cab = needing brilliant companion + tremendous sense of humor

considerations:

  • brings friends to see Ish perform (pos)+
  • throws up in cab on ride home (neg)-

conclusion: hypothesis unproven. additionally, will need to complete special homework assignment for extra credit to avoid failing this class.





*um, this was originally drafted last sunday, oct. 16.

**see how I’m using all sorts of chemistry references? cool, huh? yeah, i can do that because i am somewhat good at The English. and seriously, how many chemists could employ such thematic consistency to their drunk blog stories?


Friday, October 21, 2005

Happy Friday!!!

While in the throes of all this Bob madness, RiseyP sent me a very funny link.

It requires sound, and is wholly stupid. But it made me laugh aloud.

Hope you enjoy!

Wish me (and Bob) luck!

(Stories /summary to follow...heaven knows...)





*no idea why i decided to capitalize -- guess i'm in work mode.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Bob And I Have a BIG DATE This Friday

so like, bob and i have this huge event planned for friday. i am really hoping to impress him, too. i think i can, but he has himself some high standards.

anyway, i tell you this because our date is requiring a whole lot of preparation -- metaphoric primping, if you will.

and so this has unfortunately meant that i have not had the time or wherewithal to complete any of my funny-i-swear entries i've been fooling around with.

but i'm trying...

Thursday, October 13, 2005

I Think Our Blogs Are Dating

not to be ridiculously cutesy or anything, but Ish, who i'll officially call my boyfriend "fear of commitment" is asking for opinions about his professional headshot.

and i'm simply pointing this out 'cuz i know how opinionated y'all can be.

(yeah, hi, remember the mayonnaise?)

and since our blogs are dating and all, i thought i should make mention of it.

*returns to writing post about frightening plastic wrap*

Happy Birthday, Lang!

Taking Ish-ue

hi!

hi everyone!

*waves*

hello!

do i sound crazy? huh? just a little? maybe? uh huh?

yes?

well good because i AM crazy because the cat-herding here at work has reached near-fever pitch (even though herding doesn't really have a pitch but whatever -- mixed metaphors? not my biggest concern right now) and i know this to be true because when i explained to my very put together manager what my situation is she just looked at me, slightly horror-stricken and offered sympathy as i detailed the hoops i'm now jumping through to make this project work.

and so i thought i'd take a break to catch my breath and share with you a thought i had this morning in the shower.

ready?

okay. here it is. all profound and shit.

i wasn't funnier before i met Ish.
i was funnier before i started this job.

ka-pow.

yes, IIFs, it's true. it hit me like a ton of bricks.

frankly, i used to write a good portion of my blog from work. (hi Stacy!) often i'd start drafts at home and over the weekend, but i would edit and tweak my posts throughout my work days. and because my workload was rather uh, "reasonable," i didn't exactly have to decompress at night or on the weekends, and so had plenty of energy for writing stuff all the time.

but then i started up with this job and everything changed.

so if i must blame someone -- anyone -- for my stultified blogging, i think i should blame my new job. and as such, i am going to give my new job a name (how's "bob"?) and now we can all hate him together.

i mean, don't get me wrong. i don't actually hate bob. bob's a swell guy. he treats me pretty okay, you know? he keeps me fed and clothed and stocked with yarn and helps a whole lot with my rent.

but yeah. on the other hand, bob IS a bit on the demanding side. he's all "do this" and "do that" all day. and he's not exactly the kind of guy who encourages the blogging.

which is why i think we all know that bob isn't truly Mr. Right -- bob is simply Mr. Right Now.

and that's okay. we can have some great times together now. i'm sure i'll learn a lot from him and that our relationship will grow and mature over time. but of course, eventually we are going to part. and he will find himself a new girl -- younger, more eager, more capable of loving him than i ever was.

and i will find myself with a guy way more in tune with my needs.

(like, you know, the need for blogging.)

and in the meantime, i'll try and find a way to make things work with bob. more compromise, maybe. more give and take. i'll try and find a way to be there for him, but take the time i need for me.

and you.

and Ish.

uh, just as soon as i finish lassoing in all these damn cats.


here kitty, kitty, kitty....

Monday, October 10, 2005

Knitting Quota

before i get another warning from the knitting mafia, i thought i'd maybe fill you in on my "progress" related to knitting.

(even though at this point those of you who found this blog through a knitting webring have decided you're never coming back because there is little to no evidence that i actually do anything knitting-related at all, ever.)

(and of course those of you who read because i write about non-knitting things have probably decided to jump ship following the inadvetently controversial mayonnaise post, for which i'd not blame you.)

(so this post is for the remaining three readers. well, and the knitting keyword mafia.)

anyway, the truth -- the sad, sad truth though it is -- is that i do actually still knit.

and i haven't gotten any better.

and i haven't finished any projects since the rather imperfect snarky chemo cap, and the one gift i managed to get done in time for a birthday.

two months ago.

but again, to assuage the mafia (and perhaps satisfy some of you knitters' morbid curiosities), here is what i have been up to*:

::cue violins::


Scarf, The First

so there's a scarf i started when i went back east for Charlie's birth. yes, i know he is almost four months old. that is not the point. the point is that i started this simple scarf for no reason other than a friend asked me to. and i knitted it up diligently, and got it all the way done. because look, sometimes i'm a good friend.

except after i used all three skeins of yarn, i realized it needed four. and that required me to order more yarn. and that took three months. (not because it takes that long to get yarn, but because it takes that long for me to remember to actually order it.) and now the scarf -- as you see here -- is nearly complete!


Monster thinks i probably used 10.5s.

sorta!

because no, i haven't embarked on starting the fourth skein. and that is because, sadly, i have pretty much no idea what numbered needles i was using to do the first 3/4 of the scarf. i do know i took the needles out so that i could use them for another project (and put the 11 in it as a placeholder), but i don't remember which project.

and so um.


Scarf, The Second

rather than try and figure out how to finish the first scarf, and also while i was waiting for the fourth skein to arrive, i started my new job. and when i started, i learned that there is a Stitch 'n' Eat lunch club! at work! where we knit and eat lunch every other week! isn't that awesome?

yes!

so i couldn't come empty handed to the first session, and explain that i had had six weeks to order more yarn but hadn't managed to remember to. no. that would be bad form. we do not need the entire knitting club at work to know how pathetic my yarn sensibilities actually are (besides, i have the knitting mafia for that, thankyouverymuch).

instead, i brought with me my birthday yarn from BrianOfTheBoxedWine and looked for suggestions for what to make with it. and that is when i learned what a cool pattern RiseyP was making with her cool yarn, and decided i would do the same thing and make her a scarf. because she is my friend and i love her and i want to make something pretty for her.

you're thinking there's a "but" here, aren't you?

yeah, well. the tricky thing about RiseyP's scarf is that you have to know if you're knitting or purling EVERY SINGLE STITCH. you can't just like, blabber away while you knit, knit, knit, knit. you have to PAY ATTENTION which, for those of you who are able to do this know, means NOT TALK. and that's just silly.

thus, this is the progress i've made on that scarf. in three months:



Monster wanted to use his paw for scale.



Scarf, The Third


next we have the scarf i decided to start for Ish, who:
a. does not want a scarf, and
b. will probably not wear it.

but i wanted to start a third project because everyone was knitting checkerboard patterns and they look cool and i wanted to see if i could do one and i needed a reason.

but given that i'm using 5s again (because i totally love using tiny needles):
a. the pattern is exceptionally "understated" (which of course means you absolutely cannot tell, unless you take the scarf in your hands and examine it all up close and personal which no one does to strangers who are walking by wearing scarves, that there is a pattern in it at all), and
b. i expect to finish this scarf sometime in april. you know, in time for spring.



pictured here is an undetectable pattern. pretend it's gorgeous.


Hat

now. given that i have three scarves in the works, none of which -- i should add -- are currently fucked up and all of which -- i should likewise add -- i have enough yarn to complete, i decided to go to last month's Knit 'n' Whine at the Urban Knitting Studio and bring with me, after much debate...

...correct! nothing!

i showed up at the studio with none of my projects, opting instead to start something completely new that i will also not finish anytime soon.

and so here we have a picture of a hat, presumably for Charlie, presumably for...um...christmas? (i would say thanksgiving, but let's be realistic.)





and that's assuming i ever get it back from Monster anyway.







*photos are thumbnailed, btw. click for larger. both of you.


We Need To Talk


me:
i know no one ever likes to hear that phrase, but it's true. ish, we need to talk.

ish: we do? about what?

me: well, did you happen to see what the 10/09/05 anonymous 8:44 PM said?

ish: no. was that in response to the post about mayo? because i stopped reading the comments somewhere around the time the conversation drifted to judaic semantics...

me: yeah, i know. i don't blame you. but yes, yes it was.

ish: well, what did the 10/09/05 anonymous 8:44 PM have to say?

me: ish, there's no easy way to put this. but you have to understand how close i really am to 10/09/05 anonymous 8:44 PM, okay? i mean, it's totally possible we go way back.

ish: right, i understand.

me: okay. well, the 10/09/05 anonymous 8:44 PM said that i was -- and i have to quote here -- "way funnier before ish."

ish: oh dear. i see.

me: and we can't be having that.

ish: no, of course not.

me: right, of course not.

ish: so um, is that it then? we're done?

me: yes, i'm afraid so. it's either you, or 10/09/05 anonymous 8:44 PM. and i think i know what side my bread is buttered on.

ish: right. hmm. well, this was fun. thanks for the laughs.

me: it was fun! stay in touch, okay?

Thursday, October 06, 2005

I Don't Get Mayonnaise

some thoughts at lunchtime.


because okay. leaving mayonnaise out is a bad, bad thing. you are not supposed to eat mayonnaise that has been left out, because if you do you will fall horribly ill and like, die.

i mean, have you ever seen what mayonnaise looks like when it's been left out for a long time? yeah. all hard and yellow and clear. ew. (and please, let's nevermind why it gets that way or what it comes from, okay?)

now, before the container is opened, you don't have to refrigerate it. you can just have a jar of mayonnaise sitting room temperature for a million years or so, as though it were canned goods. and okay, i get that: a big glass jar and vacuum sealing seem like they'd be enough to keep the villainous mayonnaise safe from air and things that will make it hard and yellow and gross and deadly.

but here is what i don't understand:

we have a little kiosk that serves lunch here at work and every day when the sandwiches come out, the kiosk guy puts out packets of mayonnaise. packets. which sit there for hours. at room temperature.

and i think: big glass jar and vacuum packing? = safe for room temperature. thin aluminum packet like what condoms get wrapped in? = not okay!

seriously, what sort of packaging magic makes a thin little wrapper as protective as a glass jar and vacuum packing? how did that executive decision get made?


Phil, the Mayonnaise Marketing Executive: we'd like to ensure complete mayonnaise market saturation, and we feel strongly that mayonnasie has not achieved its highest level of visibility with key target lunchtime food service providers. our research indicates that this is primarily due to the key target lunchtime service providers not having glass-jar enabled storage space that is compliant with the post-release mayonnaise-driven refrigeration needs. we are seeking an out-of-the-box, innovative solution. what have you got for me, jim?

Jim, the Mayonnaise Packaging Executive: well, phil, if i'm understanding you correctly, you need something to put mayonnaise in that's easier to store than glass jars. am i on track?

Phil, the Mayonnaise Marketing Executive: you got it, jim.

Jim, the Mayonnaise Packaging Executive: so something like glass jars, but smaller.

[pauses.] thinks: hmmm...like glass jars...like glass jars...

hey! how about tiny aluminum packets?

Phil, the Mayonnaise Marketing Executive: you mean like condom wrappers?

Jim, the Mayonnaise Packaging Executive: well, i suppose...

Phil, the Mayonnaise Marketing Executive: perfect!

Jim, the Mayonnaise Packaging Executive: great! say, ah, well, but about that refrigeration issue...

Phil, the Mayonnaise Marketing Executive: now, jim, you know that's a problem for Legal. and besides, if it's safe enough for a condom, it's safe enough for mayonnaise. think about it. those are words to live by, jim. anyway, what we really need to focus on here are the emerging opportunities for strategic co-branded packet logo placement.


so really. i don't get how or why it was deemed perfectly normal and natural to let mayonnaise packets sit at room temperature, but what do i know. it's probably something to do with the physics again.

it's just that i just can't help but think of un-chilled mayonnaise packets as little tiny containers of gastro-intestinal doom.



p.s. i totally don't get lettuce, either. lettuce is just crunchy, non-nutrative leafy stuff that, as far as i can tell, gets put on things (like sandwiches) to simply take up space. and as far as i'm concerned, the less room lettuce is taking up on my sandwich, the more room there is for bacon.

well, and mayonnaise.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Frankenstein

trying to be funny from the safety of your own blog is one thing.

trying to be funny on stage in front of strangers is quite another.

see, i have been absolutely, completely, utterly fascinated by stand-up comedy my whole life -- from the first time i saw (and memorized) Bill Cosby Himself when i was like, 9 years old -- yet have been absolutely, completely, utterly terrified to try it.

but.

well, sometimes i guess it takes the right kind of push (or the right kind of pusher) to convince you to do something you've always wanted to but didn't know how, or were too scared to attempt, or were so sure you'd fail at that you just never did.

"so why aren't you doing this?" Ish asked me, just hours in to our meeting.

"me? gah! no!" i said. "i mean, i'd LOVE to do stand-up, but i couldn't possibly..." and then i proceded to give him every reason why i'd never be able to do it. which he soundly refuted.

and so over the last two months, he's been amazingly encouraging. he's talked to me about my (potential) material. he's introduced me to the local circuit and its many aspiring comedians. and he convinced me to sign up for an Intro To Stand-Up Comedy class.

which i started last night.

so really, who knows where this will go. (uh, if anywhere.) for one thing, it'll be months yet before i venture to actually like, get up on stage. for another, i have no idea what i'm doing and am still completely terrified of completely sucking. but i do want to be brave. i do want to try. i do want to just...see.

"i have a feeling," Ish said to me over the weekend (after i'd spent 15 minutes reeling off "ideas" i was working on for material asking, roughly 952 times, is this funny?), "that i may be creating a monster."

"what? why? what do you mean?" i asked, pretending i didn't know.

"i'm pretty sure once we finally get you up on stage and hand you a mic," he said, "you won't be giving it back."

and he smiled.

of course, i have no idea what he's talking about.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

My Cats Are Pussies

take out one little, innocent, happy yellow vacuum cleaner...



and your cats -- who are (theoretically) smarter, (usually) more agile, and (frankly) capable of being LOUDER than your harmless appliance -- cower.

sherlock seeks high ground:



monster (moriarty) seeks cover:


what kind of guard cats are these, anyway?




yeah, hi, i know i just blogged about my cats. right. AND my vacuum cleaner. because i am clearly an urban sophisticate. but really, i thought it best to move on, so there you go.


Saturday, October 01, 2005

Suspicions Of Fatness

gotta assume this was sent in seriousness, though that's almost too hard to believe.

so yeah. i just got an email. it's mind-boggling. i mean, is it meant to be helpful? insightful? critical? useful?

hmmm.

so i am not taking it too seriously or personally, but thought i needed to address it some way. and i decided the best way for me to address it was to have you address it.

here's the text (directly cut & pasted). i'd love to know what you think.

*****

Hi Kirtsty.


I really like your writing, unfortunatley you being fat means the blog itself loses some appeal, because i know i wouldnt sleep with you.

Even in the abstract, this knowlage seems to taint my enjoyment of your writing. Which is a shame.

I think it was the picture of your ass, that provided the tipping point in this respect, although I had suspicions of fatness for a while before this.

regardless keep up the good work!

regards
m