Thursday, March 31, 2005
since i'd just purchased said cat food, i replied, "yeah, so?"
"don't you also have yarn in your bag?" he asked.
"so you are carrying around cat food and yarn."
at which point i just glared at him, but i got his point: i am a single woman who lives with her cats and knits. and what snappy comeback is there to that, really?
none, i thought... until i discovered the world's greatest blogger! Crazy Aunt Purl has blazed a new trail in coolness, indirectly pointing out that if you are young and single and have cats and knit AND DRINK, you are way, way hip.
my normal work clothes are too big for me. they don't fit me right (which is a good thing). but the few articles of clothing i have in smaller sizes don't quite fit right yet either.
i really need to find some clothes that will do for the next couple months -- but i hate buying new things when i'm not happy with my size. and i know you know what i'm talking about...
*if you buy clothes to fit the size you are now, it's like admitting defeat. it's saying, "yes -- i am this size and i am going to be this size for a while, despite my best efforts to not be. oh well. does this come in black?"
*if you buy clothes that are smaller than your current size, you totally screw yourself over. even if it helps motivate you, you still can't wear what you just bought (what good does that do?). and if you never lose the weight, you have some useless piece of clothing sitting in your closet taunting you with the promises you made yourself.
i guess the compromise is a trip to old navy. it's a good place for interim clothes (not too expensive and their pants have stretch...)
then i went to put on my new, 14 Reg. Gap pants, and they were too tight. they were passable standing up...but not sitting down.
(truth be told, sitting down produced a stupid tummy roll way too big to be disguised by a shirt. i HATE that.)
anyway, this means that if 14s are still giving me trouble, 16 days to a whole lower size is just not going to happen. thighs or no thighs.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
my darling friend j has just announced that she is engaged, that she is getting married this summer, and that i am to be a bridesmaid! now i can target my weight loss for the big day!
the only problem is that she doesn't actually have a groom.
oh sure, she has a groom in mind...but she isn't technically dating him yet. so i should probably allow for the possibility that this might not happen.
in the meantime, i am picking out bridesmaid's dresses. we like the idea of pink.
Monday, March 28, 2005
sure, there was some personal drama and sure, i can chalk up some of my eating badly/not working out to many things...
but it's going to be april this week. april is spring. it's unavoidable. i need to get my ass in gear.
i need new motivators.
the boyfriend was quite a motivator, because i was pretty insecure about how he felt about me. but our relationship has changed, and my weight insecurities have changed with it. (i have nothing to prove to him anymore. not that that was healthy, but at least it was working.)
the idea of being single was also a pretty good motivator for me in the past, for obvious reasons. but i've come to realize that i'm not ready to put myself out there again yet...which means that i can get in shape and lose weight at my own pace.
the problem is that my own pace is too damn slow!
so yeah - it would be really handy if one of my friends could announce his/her engagement so that i could worry about fitting into a bridesmaid's dress and work towards that. but alas, no weddings are on my calendar.
i just don't work well when there's no deadline.
i'm open to suggestions.
Friday, March 25, 2005
tonight i am making a 3-cheese fondue to be eaten with veggies and whole grains and berries. how great is that!?
i've actually been really good this week, diet-wise. i just haven't been to the gym. i'm not sure if size 12 by the 16th is totally out of reach or not, but i still have three full weeks.
plus, a fellow i had lunch with yesterday noted how very different i look from last year at this time, which is a wonderful thing to hear. yay!
Thursday, March 24, 2005
[i was reminded of this because i recently found myself becoming one of those women, which i swore i'd never be.]
anyway, the punchline was something about how -- sarcastically -- surely it's not because there's appeal in watching a 19-year old hardbody grind herself against a pole. (har, har.)
and so, 10 years ago, it hit me like a ton of bricks. *of course* that's attractive: a pretty, fit, half-naked woman making a specatcle of her sexuality. duh. *of course* men want to see that.
and then i realized there was no reason *i* couldn't be that pretty, fit, confident, sexual woman myself (minus the getting paid by strangers to jaunt around half-naked on stage). so that's who i worked to become.
and thanks to this helpful reminder, it's what i'll work towards again.
hey, they don't teach pole dancing at gyms these days for nothin'.
sure i'm going crazy posting pictures, but i'm excited to know how.
anyway! i know this has nothing to do with weight loss, but knitting has become my newest, greatest obsession. and since i have spent the better part of my free time over the last few weeks with this scarf (below), i feel i can call it my SO.
meet mr. scarfy.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
that'd be the gene pool that gives us big round eyes, golden locks, great legs, T&A like ya' wouldn't believe...and an ability to gain weight by merely thinking about eating fattening foods.
Monday, March 21, 2005
it will be interesting to see how it goes, since she already eats healthier--and more elaborate--meals than anyone i know. for me, starting SBD was a huge shift in my eating. for her, it will really just be a shift to fewer carbs. i am very curious to see how that will or won't impact her weight loss.
in the meantime, we can both shoot evil looks at whoever it was who just walked by with a bag of popcorn.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
hopefully it will be more cheerful than meat-market-y.
hopefully i will get out of this funk i've been in.
and hopefully i will manage to avoid drinking any sort of green beer.
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Monday, March 14, 2005
[this doesn't mean my esteem is totally wrapped up in how attractive others find me, it just means i'm affected by it. i do know that my level of attractiveness is only one piece of my whole self and related esteem -- i'm just focusing on my appearance here for the sake of this blog.]
so on the down side: i went out on friday night with one of my girl friends, and we had a pretty good time. but i haven't been a single(ish) female out and about in ages. i forgot what the meat market is like. i forgot how it feels to put yourself out there and feel surrounded by women who are thinner and prettier than you and by men who are attractive but dumb, obnoxious, or on-the-prowl. overall it was fine, but i am not yet confident enough in/with my body to subject myself to that kind of attention...or lack thereof.
on the plus side: even given my frustrations with friday night and my less-than-expected weight loss, i have to say that my weekend was a success overall. i was given perhaps the best compliment ever by my non-boyfriend*. it was said off-handedly and was rather um, explicit (and therefore not repeatable -- hi, dad). but it was earnest, and unprompted, and made me feel better than i've felt about myself in a long time.
and i guess that's just how it goes. take the good with the bad, the discouraging moments with the encouraging ones, and try and do your best to make them balance out.
*"non-boyfriend" is the official title of my pseudo-ex, who is often otherwise referred to as The Boy. we are not exactly broken up, we're just not exactly together. technically, we are "dating."
Sunday, March 13, 2005
i have lost approximately 12 lbs. since january 10.
this wasn't really the news i was hoping for today when i decided to get on the scale again this morning.
i'm making progress, but it's not as fast as i'd like. and i'm not being unrealistic about how much it's possible to lose, since i've been through this before. the truth is, i've been really loose with myself the last couple weeks and my weight-loss has been stalled because of it.
so i am going to stick to my size 12 by april 16 goal because i know it's possible. (i'm only a size away from it), and i am re-committing to kicking myself into high gear.
Friday, March 11, 2005
i have no idea if these reports are true (or even current) but i only just heard of this, and think it's great. she's gorgeous.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
i'm supposed to weigh myself tomorrow, since tomorrow marks the two-month mark.
yeah, i'm not gonna.
i can blame it on relationship drama, warding off the flu, and/or general malaise, but the last 2 weeks have not been very good, diet-wise. i've hardly worked out, i've eaten way more "bad" stuff than i should allow, and i'm just not thinking i will be very happy with my results should i weigh myself tomorrow. i feel horribly, horribly guilty.
so i'll just wait till some date when i feel better. (and i'll go to the gym tonight.)
in the meantime, i should definitely pick a goal size and date. so let's do that:
i will buy a pair of GAP jeans in a size 12. and i will aim to fit into them by........April 16.
this is all intended as a smug, funnily self-deprecating outlet for detailing my current attempt at weight loss. along the way, i am making mention of things that have affected my perceptions about me and my size. this means that:
- a. it's not to be taken so seriously, except maybe for undercurrents; and
- b. i don't care if it happened 15 years ago or yesterday, things that have contributed to my "weight awareness" have been going on my whole life; i can have "let go" of them without forgetting them, and if i bring it up here, it's to make a point.
i do not have any problem with skinny women. i want to be one of them! the thing is, i will probably never be "skinny" exactly, so if there is a note of "i hate them" in my writings, it's out of resignation and envy. i *am* sometimes insulting other women to feel better about myself, but only in the most obvious, non-threatening, i-really-don't-mean-it-i'm-being-immature way.
look, i love men and cherish the relationships i have and have had with them. however, i constantly announce that "i hate boys" and that "boys are dumb." because that is also true. see how it works?
now if you'll excuse me, i'll return to throwing things at my coworker, who is the most adorable tiny thing on the planet.
Monday, March 07, 2005
for those of you living in the bay area, you know that yesterday was absolutely gorgeous. spring was in the air. the temperature touched the 70s. it was almost glorious.
um, hi. it's march 7. i have not been on south beach for even 2 months yet. where i come from, if you start a diet in january, you have until at least the END OF MAY to reach a reasonable weight before you have to worry about sundresses and skirts and tank tops and (omfg) bathing suits.
i don't mean to be a poor sport here, but i am absolutely NOT READY to develop a springtime/summertime look. 15 lbs lost (we hope) does not a summer body make!
it's hard not to enjoy the beautiful sunshine, sure. but like, give me another 2 months before i'm expected to bust out the summerwear, okay?
till then...where's my scarf?
a few years ago i went on a date with a guy who told me i was beautiful. i was probably the weight i am right now. he said to me, "you know, if you gained a little weight, you could be a plus-size model."
hmm. on the one hand, that's a nice thing to say. no matter how we might feel about them, i think most women wouldn't mind being told they could be models.
on the other hand, my problem then/now is that i don't think i want to be a plus-size anything. there was something about what he said...something that suggested i should be okay with being my size.
am i being too sensitive? is "you could be a plus-size model" a compliment?
Friday, March 04, 2005
the man was probably in his late forties. he was large overall: big hands, tall, hulking. he spoke with a thick, eastern european accent, at length, about everything that popped into his head.
after we drove by a couple young, thin, otherwise attractive girls on the sidewalk, he suddenly launched into a surprising rant about women.
"women. look at these women. they are barbie girls. they are too much like plastic. they are only interested in money. they only want to look pretty so they can find men who are rich. they only care about how they look. they do not know you can buy such women for $20 around the corner. they have only how they look. that is nothing."
he went on to explain that he has a girlfriend.
"she is not a thin woman," he says, "but she is a great cook. she is my partner. she is funny. she is a real woman."
at this point, i realize that he is telling me this because:
a. i am clearly not a barbie girl, and
b. also, just maybe, he has some chip on his shoulder about pretty women with nice bodies.
"these barbie girls, they are just for show. barbie girls do not know how to cook. barbie girls don't do the dishes."
when we arrived at my destination, he turned to me and said, "you laugh. you have a good laugh. do you have a boyfriend?"
"yes," i replied.
"because you are the type of woman who i would like to be with."
i understood that in his head, he was being kind and flattering. but i also understood that he had just told me i'm not a barbie girl, and i am probably happy to have a man to clean house for.
and all i could think was, "he should see the dishes piled in my sink."
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
i do have a few weekend confessions, though.
so last friday, i decided that if i was going to go to the gym after work, i would allow myself to have a burger with a sourdough bun (sourdough somehow being an SBD-acceptable white bread, in moderation). so that was fine and well and good.
and then i went out drinking friday night with the girls. and when i returned home around 2 a.m. i was hungry. and noted, with all the rationale a bourbon-addled brain can muster, that i'd not had pizza in two months and surely i was due. (this is why no one should live next door to a pizza place.)
so yes. at 2 a.m. saturday morning, i had 2 slices of pepperoni pizza.
i thought i would make up for this by dragging my hungover ass to the gym the next morning. WHICH I DID. *applause*
and i thought that perhaps by working out twice in 24 hours i'd maybe be forgiven the drinking, the burger, and the pizza.
but THEN my boyfriend and i had a The Talk, and by sunday morning, i insisted on pancakes.
so there it is. let's see if we can glean some lessons or something...
*don't drink and eat. easier said than done, but i have to remember that really, it should be one or the other. and since i made such a big deal about not wanting to cut out alcohol, i really need to remember to be careful.
*i'm capable of working out while hungover. no more excuses in coming weekends.
*if you're going to have a Talk with your boyfriend, you're probably going to want comfort food afterwards. plan accordingly.
i strongly recommend pancakes.