Friday, February 25, 2005

A Word About Sizes

i haven't yet been very specific about what size i am or what size i'd like to be...but perhaps it's time.

when i was in the best shape i've ever been in (about 10 yrs ago now! gah!), i was about a size 6 in jeans.

now, this does not mean i could always wear a size 6 pant, because my ass never got below a size 8. if the pants (like jeans) were forgiving, i could pull off a size 6. in fact, i think i had an a-lined skirt in a size 5. however, not all pants are created equal, and i'd rather wear 8s than go the way of the cameltoe...

...and this does not mean the rest of my body was a 6 or 8, either. i couldn't go near a size 6 one-piece dress, for example. my breasts--smaller though they were--would just pop right out (and let's face it--that's not really the preferred look for a sundress).

anyway, while i'm watching the poundage in general, i'm not going by what i weigh so much as by what i fit into.

and when i talk about sizes, i mean whole sizes. so for instance, going from a size 10 to a size 8 is ONE size.

that means that the pants i was wearing yesterday were three whole sizes smaller than the pants i wore on wednesday. (and 6 actual numeric sizes smaller.)

and i have four whole sizes yet to go to reach my goal.

you do the math.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

3 Sizes Down

in contrast to yesterday's zg pants, today i'm wearing a pair of cute brown pants my sister got me for christmas. it's the first time i've worn (or been able to wear) them.

they are three sizes smaller than the pants i was wearing yesterday.

altogether, i feel like i'm wearing less, weighing less, carrying around less.

of course, i can't really forget that i am aiming to be still four sizes smaller than i am today...but at least i'm headed in the right direction!

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Zeitgeist Pants (The First To Go)

what are zeitgeist pants, you ask?

are they pants that represent the "spirit of our time"? well yeah. sorta.

'zeitgeist' is actually a punk rock biker bar here in sf that is as low-key and unpretentious as you can get. however, as i'm neither punk rock nor a biker, most of my clothes are not very zeitgeist-esque.

i can be low-key and unpretentious, though, and so i have this pair of baggy, olive green jeans that i wear most every time i go to zeitgeist. and so i call them my zeitgeist pants.

now, these pants are a large size. and they were a tiny bit big for me when i moved to sf 3 years ago. and then they were less big. and then i couldn't fit into them anymore. and then, after last year's weight loss, i could wear them again comfortably. phew! so comfortably, i wore them all last summer for every group outing to zg.

tonight, i am meeting a friend at zg--the first time i've been there in months. and i decided to wear my zg pants.

i am thrilled to report that as of today, my zg pants are definitely, officially too big for me. they are not quite falling down, but i can pull these off without unbuttoning them (and they are jeans!).

so tonight will (hopefully) be the last time i ever wear these pants (ever). and when i return home, i can take them off, tuck them away, and officially start my "fat clothes"'s the new zeitgeist.

Update Part II

also, i think i'm going to move to a more traditional blog-like entry system.

meaning my posts will be shorter and more personal, though i'm sure i'll still include the occassional rant/rave as necessary.

like about the guy on the bus this morning who was all very into checking me out until he saw my body/outfit (not sure which was worse) and then practically sprinted away from me. i don't think ANYONE on muni has the right to be judgmental about me...i mean, compared to the rest of the lot on the bus, i'm quite a catch! i have all my teeth, only one bag, matching shoes, no compulsion to yell at strangers, and appear completely sober at 8 a.m.

sprinting was totally unnecessary.


as you may've noticed, i changed my blog template--i like the aesthetics of this one better, plus i added some cool site tracking stuff.

but then, the template change removed some comments for no reason i understand, especially since some comments stayed. so please note: if your comments are no longer visible, it's not something i did intentionally.

and feel free to add more.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Work-Out Mags Do Not Inspire Me

um. i bought Shape magazine the other day on the idea that i would pick up some dieting/workout/get-healthy tips.

normally, i try and avoid these magazines when i'm not in a good diet/workout regime because they just remind me of all that i'm not doing.

so i thought -- ha, ha -- that since i'm getting into shape already, the magazine would be helpful.

instead, i ended up throwing it across the room.

i know a lot of women who like these kinds of publications, but i find them discouraging. most of the pages are filled with pictures of models working out...but the models they choose are almost all long and lanky and somewhat anorexic looking. i have a hard time believing these models spend every day weight training and eating 1200-calorie-a-day diets. i mean, no matter how stringently i stick to the lifestyle plans outlined in the articles, i'm never going to look like these poster girls.

so then there's the "real life" stories they include, about women who've lost tons of weight by changing their lifestyles. and this is the part that makes me want to throw myself off a bridge (or just give up).

this month, the feature "real life" lady was some woman who's about my age and about my height. when she started, she weighed about 10-15 lbs. LESS than i did when i started this. so here's what's discouraging:

* she has lost 75 lbs. and explains that she's still not as thin as she could be, but that the weight is "comfortable" for her. (translated, this means that if i lose 90 lbs. i might still have to answer for not being thinner, according to this article. that's 9-0!!!)

* her current workout routine involves weight training, aerobics, and salsa dancing several times a week. i added up the amount of time she spends exercising and realized she spends an average of 8 hours a week working out. this does not include the amount of time she spends getting to/from the gym, showering, changing, etc. let's add another 4 hours to that. so this woman has somehow managed to shift her schedule around to add 12 hours of "workout" time a week.

to which i can't help but say, "12 HOURS!?!?!" how is that possible? it's not just that i don't happen to have an extra 12 hours lying around, it's that if i did, i wouldn't spend them all at the gym. i am realistic about what i am willing to do, and that's just not it.

anyway, i come away from reading through an issue of these magazines knowing what i won't look like, how much i won't ever work out, and obsessing about things i didn't even know i could fix ("Shapelier Calves in Just 3 Weeks!").

note to self: next time, pick up issue of Gourmet.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

And Lo, He Noticed

first of all, i need to say that taking a weekend off from the diet was not the spectacular event i'd hoped it would be. i guess because i am not excluding all sugar (the way i would be if i were on atkins), having bread and sweets didn't seem so...exciting.

actually, it kinda sucked. i ate more than usual because i don't fill up from carbs the way i do from protein. also, i think i felt guilty. instead of enjoying my "sinful" behavior, i felt like i was cheating myself. go figure.

anyway. it doesn't seem to have done much damage. this will be the second week in a row i haven't made it to the gym and i added a weekend of carb-indulgence and i can still tell i'm losing weight.

and last night, my ex-boyfriend commented on the fact that i look thinner.

no no, you don't understand. my ex and i have always enjoyed a great friendship, probably in part because weight has never ever been an issue for him. in fact, he's almost been oblivious to my weight gain and loss over the last 3 1/2 years we've known each other. still, i have asked him at least a thousand times, "do i look thinner?" and he has replied, each one of those times, "i have no idea. i can never tell."

so not only did he notice i've lost weight, he thought to say something. totally unprompted.

if that's not progress, i don't know what is.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Watch Me Not Eat Microwave Popcorn

here i go!

*smell of popcorn wafts across office*

i'm just typing.

*colleagues offer sumptuous, salty, hot, delicous treat*

i'm still typing.

*colleagues engage in conversation about attractive, newly single mayor of sf*

still typing, though more distractedly.

*note that i'm neither having popcorn NOR hot dates with single mayor*

typing with more enthusiasm.

*wonder if not eating popcorn will eventually result in my achieving a figure that will attract mayor*

stop typing.

*ignore sound of boss contentedly crunching on popcorn*

Valentine's Mini-Break

it's currently thursday and valentine's day is monday. in my world, where celebrations last as long as possible, this entire weekend is devoted to valentine's-like activities.

and...i have decided to go off my diet for the weekend!

what? don't look at me like that.

i've been really good! today is the 10th which means that for one whole month, the only true transgression i've had is a piece of baklavah. everything else has been strictly SBD-approved or in strict moderation. (go me!)

taking a weekend off is my reward. i know it might seem odd--rewarding myself for eating healthily by not eating so healthily--but having this weekend to look forward to has helped me give up stuff in the meantime, e.g., "why ruin it now? i can hold off till valentine's."

so this plan has actually been helpful already. and plus, t is taking me to a swanky place on saturday and i'll be damned if i'm not going to have dessert. i'm not even a big dessert person (i'm seriously looking more forward to bread, mashed potatoes, and/or fries), but it's practically the point of the whole stupid holiday anyway. and i'm nothing if not festive.

as for my weight...i know i'm losing, i just don't know how fast. my ring has been erratic, as has my water weight. i had originally planned on weighing myself after valentine's day. now i think that's stupid. it's still early, my working out has not been as consistant as i'd like, and i don't think getting on the scale after a weekend's binging makes any sense.

my new goal weigh-in day: march 10. that's two months after starting, one month from today. what should my realistic goal be? 10 lbs? 15? 20? i'm afraid 20 is too much, though it'd be super. i think 5 lbs/month is a reasonable expectation, understanding that more will come off the first few weeks.

so okay: 3/10 = 15+ lbs gone.

*crosses fingers*

*drinks more water*

But Why Fight It?

a lot of you have given me feedback on how it's great what i'm doing, but have said it's too bad i don't feel better about myself as i am.

to which i say, "hey, i'd really like to feel better about being this size, but i don't think i have it in me to fight all the fat-is-bad sentiment that's out there. i'm just not that big a person. [ha, ha.]"

don't get me wrong -- it's not that i'm trying to be exceptionally thin. i'm okay with having a few extra pounds. i'm just not okay with being treated like fat people get treated.

some of it's overt and some of it's not, and some of it is just so ingrained that it's barely perceptable (unless you're on the receiving end) but anti-fatness is everywhere. most notable are the following, seemingly deep-rooted american beliefs i've come across again and again:

  • fat women are funny: comedians still freely make fun of overweight people where they otherwise shy away from other un-PC topics. one of the worst offenses i've ever seen was on "friends" with "fat monica." that monica was once fat is a harmless enough storyline, but in the flashbacks when she became fat--meaning courtney cox put on a fat suit--monica also suddenly became a different character. she talked differently and behaved differently. (she sounded stupid and acted like an oaf.) she was desperate for male attention. she had no life. she was down on herself and envied others. and when she danced, it was just hilarious! imagine: a fat person dancing! with a donut! god, the laugh track couldn't get enough.

  • fat women eat sooooooooo much: as with comedians, journalists of every ilk love --LOVE-- to use "light-hearted" similies comparing one random thing to how much [insert well-know fat person, usually oprah] eats. because of course, if you're overweight, that means you eat like a pig. it never ceases to amaze me how readily writers and commentators use fat people eating too much to make off-handed comparisons. nevermind that oprah is one of the most successful women ever, by any standard, it's still funny to think of her at an all-you-can-eat buffet. *blink*

  • fat women are desperate: this is the worst and most demoralizing. it comes out in subtle ways for the most part, and usually in situations where young, single men and women are socializing (bars, clubs, parties).

    when a single-and-seeking-man is faced with the prospect of speaking to either a thin woman he finds unattractive or a fat woman, he will choose the former. if a man is faced with speaking to either a fat woman or having a moment to himself, he will choose the latter. of course, there are exceptions*.

    why? because the guy assumes that by talking to the fat woman, he is leading her on. she must be single, she must be eager, and she must be hopeful that he'll be into her. and he's not the desperate one...

the truth is, there are about a million other ways in which being overweight is demoralizing, and each deserves more space than i can give in this entry. they'll come later.

for now, i will simply say that i am very impressed with women who are genuinely okay with being "pleasantly plump." they are able to counter a lot of bias and second-class citizenry every day. they see the bigger picture. [again, ha ha]. sometimes i wish i could muster the same strength and contribute to the plus-size movement better.

instead, i look at myself and think: "but why fight it?" it's just easier to be thin.

*happily, not all guys are like this. the ones who aren't--and there are many--deserve their own entry.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Ring of Bloat

i asked for some jewelry for christmas and received a few lovely pieces. one in particular is a silver ring that's actually three bands of silver loosely intertwined.

the ring currently just fits my (ring) finger on my right hand. so i decided that i'm going to wear it regularly as a sort of weight-loss gauge. dropping clothes sizes and losing pounds are good indicators (duh) of my body's changes, but i like the consistency of the ring and the day-to-day "feedback" i get from wearing it.

for example, i put the ring on this morning and wore it for about 15 min. before realizing it's too tight to wear today. with it on, my finger looks like a little pink sausage with a silver belt.

now it's off and in my bag, reminding me that eating salty foods and drinking too much wine right before bed is a bad idea. (the ring is kind of bitchy.)

i look forward to the day when the ring becomes too loose to wear.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

just one of those things

it's a truth universally acknowledged by women that you will have a great hair day the day you're scheduled to have it cut.