Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Why Yes, Cute Fireman, That *IS* My Ass

curves for women is a great place to work out if you are like me. and by that i mean overweight and out of shape and really not okay with the idea of getting on the treadmill next to some 19 year old who weighs 14 pounds and is wearing a sports bra and running shorts and talking on a cell phone that is way cooler than yours.

right. so the way curves works is that they have a circuit, and you go around alternating between cardio stations and hydraulic machines in a set pattern.

sort of like this:
(picture "courtesy" of their website, completely without permission)
no permission here

except the excessive smiling seen here is total bullshit.

anyway. not featured in the pirated picture is this machine thing that you are going to have to try and envision. you stand on it, and lean forward while some thing supports your chest, and then you lift one foot, and push your foot backwards against a different thing. sort of like... um...this:

i'm a powerpoint whiz, oh yeah

okay. now imagine that while you're happily (but not as happily as those bullshit women in the picture) working out, you are suddenly surrounded by three very loud firetrucks.

[if you do not live in a city, you might find this cause to stop what you're doing and find out what the firetruck activity is about. but when you do live in a city, you assume that loud noises -- even those being emitted from firetrucks 15 feet from you -- are not cause for concern unless you are directly instructed that yes, your building is actually on fire and yes, you should probably leave.]

however, despite the fact that not one of the women working out stopped what they were doing to find out if our building was on fire, every one of us was straining to look through the big windows and glass doors to see the firemen. because this is how city-dwelling women are.

and anyway, the woman running the place did eventually saunter outside (muttering, i should add, "he's a cute one") to ask a fireman what was going on, only to discover that some suspicious "cooking fumes" caused the alarm and there was nothing to be concerned about (see?).

but here is the point. the cooking fumes were extinguished and all the firemen left, just in time for me to reach the kick machine illustrated above. and so i did my reps. and then when i was finished, i looked up, and i realized that a SECRET and SILENT truck had pulled up DIRECTLY outside the window that was DIRECTLY behind the machine and so about a half-dozen firemen were parked in such a way as to be DIRECTLY FACING MY ASS.

sort of like this:
Image image so not to scale

i am so proud.

i mean, i sure showed those cute firemen that i, in the face of grave danger and cooking fumes, can still slowly kick backwards 21 times. go me.

26 comments:

  1. omg, i am dying, dying over your diagrams!
    p.s. a certain other blogger we know (initials CAP) once got a fireman to escort her up darkly lit staircase, claiming she had lost me, eyelash bat, eyelash bat. she has no shame.

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  2. lol that is too funny.i have started working out so I can totally relate,and the firemen? too funny
    cara
    earth mother

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  3. These diagrams caused me to laugh wine out of my nose!!!

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  4. always the picture of breezy elegance...

    el snarkster

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  5. Awesome illustrations.
    And I love your Auntie Mame quote.

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  6. I just laughed so hard it made my eyeball hurt. Now I need some Vicodin.

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  7. Funny story, funny diagrams ... you are making me snicker so much at work that my co-workers are coming over to my cubicle to see what's up. (Keep it up!) I enjoy your blog very much --

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  8. So Friggin' Funny...what is it about great big hunky firemen? You just want to go up to them and stare at their beautiful, chiseled faces and feel their big muscles...hint-hint...

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  9. Ok, so did you actually catch them looking?!?

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  10. In a word - lame. Sounds very stalkeresque. After all, I do believe you are in your late twenties and not in the seventh grade.

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  11. I just love it! Funny story, love the diagrams.

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  12. thought this was hilarious. thanks.

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  13. This is the funniest story I have read in a long, long time. Thanks for sharing your story, and the diagram of your ass. Rrrowwr. :)

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  14. I'm not sure what your standing on abortion or comprehensive sex education is, but the only reason I have ever refused to go to Curves is because the owner supports anti-abortion groups and abstinence-only sex education. Because basically, he feels that abortion is wrong no matter what (even in cases of rape) and you won't need abortion or birth control anyway if you just tell kids not to have sex.

    http://curvers.squarespace.com/home/

    I somehow stumbled on your blog and felt that you may or may not want that information.

    http://livejournal.com/users/marikodeville/

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  15. Congratulations on making the "best of Craigslist"

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  16. As a fire fighter I felt obligated to respond. We are trained profesionals and seeing people in compromising positions is something we ar used too and we dont get too excited, oh who am I kidding we think its funny as hell we live for it, trade stories. Yours doesnt even sound that intresting sorry, Now the waxing accident thats story

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  17. haha, that is great. I saw your site linked on one of my best friends pages...I was kinda like...meh. But you are hilarious! haha, that is great! I love your site. Check mine out sometime. *not as entertaining*
    http://trippsinsides.blogspot.com/

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  18. That's freakin' funny! What's funnier is, you're probably not even overweight in the true sense of the word! Alas, America's marketed image of "pretty" or "right size" will always keep places like Curves making plenty of money.

    No offense to Curves though... heard they were OK.

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  19. You are too funny!! If it wasn't 5:30 am, and if I hadn't been up since 3, I'd be laughing really hard. I really hate those thigh adductor/abductor machines also - It seems they are always pointed towards the free-weight area where the men are, or some other busy area. Can't we put it in a corner area, so the thigh opening/closing motion doesn't have to be shared?

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  20. Wow, I so love your site. The fireman story is the funniest thing I've heard in a while. Nice drawings.

    Altaviese
    http://saturdaynightsheep.blogspot.com

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  21. I simply love your drawings!

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  22. You go girl! As a firefighter, and a girl I can attest to the fact that they were indeed probably checkin' out your trunk! I hope you turned around and made a reaffirming "I kick ass" smile and pranced off to do 16 more sets of something else!


    Ruby Rant

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  23. That is the funniest ever! You gave those poor guys a thrill! whooo hooo!

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  24. I think your site is fantastic! It makes me smile-and-smile-and-smile-and-smile!

    As for the firemen story, you just KNOW that usually all they do all day at the firehouse is sit around bored, cook meals and watch TV.

    I would betcha that when they got back, the spent the WHOLE rest of the day, talking about:
    "spankin' the woman's ba-donka-donk"; "breaking off a piece of that azz"; etc; etc.

    I mean seriously! I'm a guy, and I know that of which I speak. Once a group of guys who hang out together start talking about that, it just goes on and on!

    Hee hee. That's realy excellent. I really truly hope it made you feel great, them all eyein' you and thinking naughty thoughts. To them, on that day, you were as sexy as any "Playboy" model. Prime fantasy material!

    This was a wonderful story, and it warmed my heart.

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  25. OMG! That was so hillarious!
    The drawing of you and your butt was so cute. Thank you for making me laugh. I just love your blog!
    Dixie Dobbins

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